7.14.03 7.21.03 7.28.03 8.4.03 8.11.03 8.18.03 8.25.03 9.1.03 9.8.03	FOR LOVE OR MONEY 2 7.21.03 All right. Let me just say that I almost missed the beginning of the show because I was at Staples Center last night checking out the WWE. I’ve always been a fan of wrestling, and going to the shows is something you have to experience at least once in your life. Not necessarily for the event itself, but to just check out the society’s finest that hang out at these shows. Holy smokes. Look, I know I’m normal. Although you may question that because I watch wrestling, at least I don’t show up to these events with signs and foam fingers, and flip off the wrestlers while screaming obscenities. Man, tough crowd. There were easily 12 to 15,000 people at the show last night, and I think about four of them had a high school diploma. I could be wrong though. Might have been two. Regardless, I had a blast and the “Soap Opera for Rednecks” continues to be an all time classic. -As the show begins, they feel the need to recap everything that’s ever happened since the beginning of time. Olive Oil was once on this show with 14 other women….Olive Oil chose the money over a pathetic horndog…..Olive Oil is now risking her million for a chance at love with 15 new meatheads…..This takes a good four minutes out of the show. I guess for people who have never seen it, it’s kind of a “For Love or Money for Dummies”, but it’s still unnecessary. Get straight to the good stuff and don’t bother us with this nonsense. -Opening scene: Guys pumping iron again. Ok. I’ve developed a theory on reality dating shows and it goes like this: You will never get picked if you’re body fat percentage is over 3% unless your name is Bob Guiney or Munch. Is that some sort of discrimination? Can I start a petition regarding this? Where can I start picketing? Is there really someone named “Munch” appearing on my television set every week? I understand America is all about looks nowadays, but for the love of God, just once can we put some average Joe on one of these shows and see him do well? They’re either runway models, posterboys for Men’s Health Magazine, spoiled rotten grandchildren of multi-gazillionaires who made tires, or they’re named “Munch”. -So now Jordan brings the 10 dolts into the other room to explain to them what’s going to happen today. Jordan is also wearing a shirt that I wouldn’t be caught dead with. Horrible design and about 5 sizes too small. You’re ugly and you’re mother dresses you funny, Jordan. Someone needs to fire the dress coordinator on this show. But just Jordan’s. Not Oil’s. They can keep their job. In fact, give them a raise. -Just like the first show, of the 10 guys remaining, 8 will go on dates being in two groups of four. But, whereas the women chose by voting who they thought shouldn’t go on a date, the guy’s were assigned two “captains” who would pick what other three guys would go in his group. Erin assigned Wade and Munch to be the captains. I don’t know what went into this decision, and I really don’t care. The fact that Munch is in charge of anything is a frightening thought. Why can I see a drunken Munch leading his troops down fraternity row yelling, “We’re goin’ streaking!!!” Take another rip, dude. -Wade goes first and picks Thomas, the token black guy. Munch counters that with Dan. Or, as he calls him, “Dan-imal”. Uh, whatever. Have you people taken a look at Dan? The guy’s got about as much “animal” in him as Ryan Seacrest. In fact, that’ll be Dan’s name from now on. Well, at least until the end of this show. -Wade picks Greg who I don’t know a damn thing about. Munch goes with Chad F. Why? Because as Munch called him, “He’s a starch competitor.” Didn’t he mean “staunch”? A starch competitor? If I’m not mistaken, I studied about Munch back in the fifth grade when I was taught about evolution. Munch was at the beginning of the picture if I can remember correctly. You know who’s picture was at the end? Not Dan’s. -Wade went with Deric for his last choice leaving Munch to pick one guy out of the remaining three of Eric, Chad V., and Vic. They keep us in suspense by going to commercial. When we come back, Munch is trying to explain to us his thought process and I’m guessing this took a few takes. Don’t think Munch. Makes my head spin. So he chooses Eric, or Peter Brady. Peter Brady sort of has that preppy, fraternity look to him that makes me want to puke all over his cardigan sweater if I ever got the chance. And his mouth is about the size of a quarter. Two things that scare me in this world: Midgets and people with small mouths. -Chad V. and Vic weren’t picked for God knows what reason. Oh wait, Chad V.’s got his theory: “In basketball, you pick up the All-Stars. Here, you drop the All-Stars.” I’m guessing Chad V. spends a lot of time in the mirror. A lot. More than you think. My roommate still thinks he’s hot. I’m sure he thinks the same way. Just ask him -Wade’s group is up first and they go to the beach to meet Olive. Olive’s first comments are about Greg who has “exceeded her expectations and is really good looking.” I still don’t know a damn thing about Greg. Guess we’ll have to take her word for this. As they’re walking along the beach, Greg offers to give Oil a piggyback ride so she doesn’t have to walk through water. Awwwwwwww. If we ever meet Greg’s family, why do I have a feeling they’ll tell us that back when Greg was younger, he used to help old ladies across the street too? Yeah right. You ain’t foolin’ anyone Greg. The ol’ “piggyback-over-water-so-I-can-feel-her-body-pressed-against-mine” trick has been used many a times. Nice try, slick. So, how did she feel? -They pan back to the mansion, and Chad V. is grilling the Muncher on why he didn’t pick him. Munch-a-lot is trying to explain his reasoning and subtitles started appearing at the bottom of my screen. Still couldn’t make out what he said. Then Munch boy blurted out, “You guys could be standing in my way of getting paid.” Damn right. Munch already has his eyes set on all the Twinkies and Ho Ho’s he can get with a million bucks. And by the way, does the cream of the Twinkie get shoved in after the cake is already made, or do they make the cake around the cream? And why are Twinkies just as good if you eat them 4 weeks after buying them, as opposed to eating them 4 seconds after taking them out of the box? -Commercial. “Race to the Altar” begins next Wednesday where eight couples compete to have their wedding paid for. They show a lot of competitions, a lot of couples crying, and one chick mauled by some guy. Don’t know if it’s her boyfriend or not, but considering they showed it to us in that grainy, black-or-white video, there’s probably more to it. Just like on “Real World Las Vegas” when all the people on it started sleeping with everyone else, they always go the “black-and-white” shot. Why do they do this? Is seeing this in color going to change how we see these people? They’re all whores anyway. I mean, Trishelle, it’s o.k. to not bang the whole cast. Best thing about Trishelle is that she really held her alcohol well. That chick’s mom must be proud. Skank. -Ok, time for Munch’s group’s date. So we got Munch, Ryan Seacrest, Peter Brady, and Chad F. Damn, we need a name for him. Chad F. has GIANT white teeth. He carries around more enamel than a dentist sees in a week. Kinda looks like those fake teeth Matt Dillon put in in “There’s Something About Mary”. He’s the male equivalent of Tina Fabulous. Hmmmm….Tina Fabulous……Chad F.? This one’s easy: Chad Fabulous. -Our four gaggle of misfits meet Olive Oil at a baseball field. When they arrive, she’s standing on the pitcher’s mound in tight jeans, a baseball undershirt, pigtails, and with a baseball cap on. Peter Brady: “There is nothing sexier than a woman in pigtails and a baseball hat. She looked hot.” Yes, she did. Certain women can pull off the hat look. The Oil is definitely one of them. However Peter, I’m guessing there is something sexier than seeing her in a hat and pigtails. That would be her in lingerie wearing a hat and pigtails. But whatever floats your boat, kid. -From the moment they arrived at the field, I had a feeling this was a different sort of date. What the hell was this? Four person baseball? Ummmmm….ok. Who thought of this crap? Munch is playing like he’s trying out for the freakin’ Braves. Ryan Seacrest over there swings, runs, throws, and bats like a girl, Chad Fabulous gets no airtime whatsoever, and Peter Brady gets to help Oil stretch and gives her a massage. And by the way, while stretching, Olive Oil looked VERRRRRRY flexible. She must play baseball a lot. -Olive Oil: “Munch is like your favorite stuffed animal.” Translation: I was into Munch for about 30 seconds, then I put him away in my closet for 5 years and never cared if I saw him again. And if you look up “favorite stuffed animal” in the book of synonyms, you would find the alternate expression to use would be “let’s just be friends.” -Peter Brady pulls Oil aside and asks her how old she is. Don’t women hate being asked their age? Why is that? It’s not like it won’t come up at SOME point down the road. What’s the big deal about being asked? You know once we ask you, whatever you tell us, we’ll still say, “Really? You look much younger than that!” C’mon ladies. Have you ever told a guy your age and he said, “Shit. And this whole time I was thinking you were collecting social security.” That’s what I thought. Guys will do, say, and act any way that’ll get them laid. -Olive Oil tells Peter she once dated someone 26 when she was 29. So Peter being the quick witted, math wizard that he is, figured he would point out the insignificance of him being three years younger than her. “So that means, when you’re 52, I’ll be 49. And that doesn’t sound nearly as bad.” Yeah, I think she can figure that out pal. Where is he going with this? Olive Oil: Eric is definitely very aggressive and very forward.” Translation: Eric is a horndog. Big deal. So Olive Oil likes em’ young. So does Kobe. And R. Kelly. And Pee Wee Herman. And Mr. Rooney from “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”. I think Rooney and Pee Wee liked em’ young together. -Back at the house, they get a letter saying Oil’s coming over tonight for a pajama party. Guys run upstairs and there’s a couple racks of silk pajamas for these meatheads to fight over. Olive Oil arrives in her French maid pajamas and I immediately have to get a new pad to write on since I just drooled all over the other one. Whoa. I’m guessing those guys will be able to go camping inside the mansion tonight with all the tents they’ll be pitching. -Since Vic and Chad V. didn’t get any time with Oil today, each one takes her too another room. Vic’s up first, and frankly I find nothing redeeming about this clown at all. Hat on backwards all the time, wore an Enrique Igleasias cap to the last meeting with Jordan. I think he and Chad V. are definitely competing for the “Most Vain and Narcissistic” person in the house. Definitely a battle I’m hoping both of them fall flat on their faces in. -Chad V. interrupts Vic’s alone time with Oil because, well, he’s Chad V. Chad V. takes Olive upstairs to show her the master bedroom and she’s scared she might let it slip out that she’s already lived there. He takes her out on the porch and we get a flashback of her and Jailbait having one of their million talks on the porch. I like the whole flashback idea. Very innovative. Especially when we can throw in a shot of Jailbait. More of those please. Is Jailbait still crying over Knob? Is Knob still crying over Olive Oil? Did Olive Oil lose one second of sleep over her decision not to pick Knob? What’s the Beyotch up to? Did she really actually have an ounce of feelings for the Knob? Hmmmmm…..wouldn’t we all like to know? -Well, we’re only two episodes in, and we’ve come to that all important time in the reality dating show world where we venture into the hot tub. However, this hot tub scene was unlike any other that we’ve seen. Let’s see, Joe Millionaire basically undressed every chick in the hot tub with his eyes, Trista showed off her ridiculous body to every slobbering horny guy, Andy made out with, I believe, every single woman in the hot tub, and Knob wouldn’t let anyone leave without trying to feel them up underwater. Outside of Olive Oil looking as hot as she did in her bikini, nothing happened. The guys treated her like a leper. What was that all about? Either ten guys had hard ons underwater and didn’t want to get up, or they’re all gay. -Peter Brady: “Seeing Erin in a bikini was worth it. You could bounce quarters off her stomach.” You know, I could really go on and on about how Olive Oil’s body is like that of a Greek Goddess and how I had to excuse myself from the room once she took off her clothes, and how stupid the guys were for not wanting to pounce on her, and all that good stuff, but that would be inappropriate if you ask me. Let’s move on. -Greg decides to get up and leave about half way through this hot tub party for no particular reason, other than saying, “competing with nine other guys isn’t really my style.” Huh? How do you expect to get picked? So Greg took his ball and went back to his room to pout. Nice impression. Maybe he was turned on by seeing nine shirtless guys in a hot tub. Greg is one guy I have absolutely no read on right now. -So Olive Oil leaves at 1am, and the guys being guys, decide they’ll all just start wrestling each other at 3 in the morning. And 4 in the morning. And 5 in the morning. Guys are such neanderthals. What was the point of showing this? I thought maybe someone damaged the house, someone broke an arm, etc…Nothing. They show these tools wrestling each other for hours on end, then nothing happens. Who cares? -They wake up and are told 3 more will be eliminated tonight so that they should get ready for the ceremony. Peter Brady uses an electric shaver meaning he has about four hairs that are growing out of his face. He’s 26? Electric razor? Is his voice gonna start cracking during this show too? “When it’s time to change, it’s time to re-arrange….Sha na na na na na na na na, Sha na na na na.” I still can’t determine which was a better television singing group: The Brady’s or when Willis, Kimberly, and Charlene got together and sang “Ebony and Ivory”. Don’t get me started on “Diff’rent Strokes.” Dana Plato had a hell of a career. From Diff’rent Strokes, to drug addict, to porn, to lesbianism, to dead. Todd Bridges is another winner. Goes from banging Janet Jackson to the pokey. And why did they even have Mr. Drummond remarry and bring in that little punkass Sam? God I hated that kid. Little redneck wouldn’t shutup for about two years. Except when he got kidnapped and Arnold thought it was his fault. I’m going to go shoot myself now. -Elimination time…. Ryan Seacrest- “You’ve got quite a package.” Oh wait. Sorry. Olive Oil said Ryan was “Quite the package”. Woops. Anyway, she lowered the boom on him saying there was no romantic connection. I agree. I always pictured him and Clay Aiken together anyway. Greg- “You really know how to treat a lady”. What? By walking out on her when she’s in a hot tub. Uh, ok. Whatever. He stays. Thomas- He stays. “Go shorty, it’s your birthday. We gonna party like it’s birthday. We gonna sip Bacardi like it’s birthday. And you know we don’t give a f*** it’s not your birthday.” Why I felt the need to recite 50 Cent there is beyond me. I guess it just wouldn’t have felt the same writing, “All right stop. Collaborate and listen……” Isn’t it funny that no matter how many people make fun of Vanilla Ice, every single person who’s ever been into a club knows the lyrics to that song? Chad Fabulous- He stays. I think he’s wearing Erin’s watch too. All the other guys are jealous. Woops. Getting my shows mixed up. Munch- Awwwwwww man. He’s gone. Who the hell’s gonna be my whipping boy now? “She’s definitely missing out.” On what, Munch? Free weed? And maybe it was just the camera angle, but Olive Oil looked taller than the Munchies. Chad V.- His Arrogance is staying. Wade- “We understand each other without having to talk too much.” God. I think every guy would love that. Erin and Wade will now converse throughout the rest of the show through mental telepathy. Vic- The title is still up for grabs. I can’t wait for the episode where Vic and Wade start bitch slapping each other over one hogging the mirror too much. -Commercial. “Who Wants to Marry my Dad?” is up next. I watched most of this last week, and Patrick Stewart certainly has an interesting group of women to choose from. I just get a little queezy watching old people date and flirt. Kinda creepy. I’m sure he’s a nice guy, I’m sure all the women are decent women, I just don’t want to see old people getting it on. Sorry. -Two guys left: Peter Brady and “Deric” without a “k”. Peter’s up first, and after telling him that she doesn’t know if they’re after the same things, she asks him to stay. Deric isn’t sticking around which is too bad. I think he had the potential to be one of the most boring people we’ve ever met. Sorry to see that. -I just wanted to point one thing out. This may be very miniscule, this may not even be anything major, and I could be completely overanalyzing this. But, at the beginning of the show, when the announcer is going over the rules for the show he says something to the effect of, “If Erin can convince the man she chooses to pick her, they’ll get two million dollars. If the man she picks chooses money over love, Erin walks away with nothing except for our consolation prize.” Why would they feel the need to tell us there’s a consolation prize involved? Why wouldn’t they just say she walks away with nothing? Just curious.
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