7.14.03 7.21.03 7.28.03 8.4.03 8.11.03 8.18.03 8.25.03 9.1.03 9.8.03	FOR LOVE OR MONEY 2 7.28.03 Some serious happenings last night. Just to forewarn you, we will be breaking away from our regularly scheduled column at some point, while I give a quick review of Erin on “Jay Leno” last night. As I start typing this at 11:12pm, I’m guessing she’ll be on around midnight. I mean, with Drew Carey ahead of her, and John Cougar Mellencamp behind her, who knows how much time she’ll get. I know. I know. He calls himself “John Mellencamp” now. Bull****. He’ll always be John Cougar Mellencamp to me, and he’ll always be singing “Jack & Diane”. Two American kids growin’ up in the heartland in case you care. I think Jack was gonna be a football star. Diane was into porn or something. Anyway, onto last night’s show, which I must say, is getting better and better by the week. UPDATE!!! UPDATE!!!! We have a nickname change. No longer will Eric be referred to as Peter Brady. I’ve noticed Eric has a very feminine look to him. It looks like he wears makeup and tweaks his eyebrows. He’s now Erica. Big news on Erica too. I found out last week that he was on “Meet My Folks” six months ago, and the parents chose him to go on a 2 week vacation to Hawaii with their 21 year old daughter. What a media whore this guy is. That’s what happens when “Meet My Folks” and “For Love or Money” are produced by the same person. Let’s just start recycling old contestants. Hey, unless that hot daughter Heidi on “Who Wants to Marry My Dad?” gets recycled, this is a trend that needs to stop, and stop now. -We start the show with host Jordan arriving in another just God awful outfit. He’s got this tight, long sleeve, zippered, sweater/shirt/blouse thing going, that is five sizes smaller than last week’s gear he had on. Who’s in charge of wardrobe here? C’mon people. And I’m not done with these wardrobe people just yet. They fell asleep at the wheel towards the end of the show as well. Back to those screwups later. -So Jordan tells the young horndogs that with 7 guys left, there will be two, 3 person dates, and one guy will get a solo date. They’ll determine who gets the solo date by playing hands of blackjack until there’s a sole winner. Immediately I was intrigued due to my love for blackjack. Actually, craps is more fun to play, but when you have $35 left in your pocket after a weekend of drinking, gambling, strip…errr….drinking some more, and gambling, playing $5 hands of blackjack can make your $35 last a couple hours. I don’t give advice much, but, never sit down at a female Asian dealer’s table who’s just shuffled a new deck. You might as well just take a match to your money right when you sit down, because you’re never seeing it again. Ever. -Ok, so on the first hand, five of the seven guys end up busting. And Jordan’s not even Asian. Is he? Anyway, Vic got blackjack, and Wade had a winning hand. So those two advance to the finals. Oh, and by the way, when Thomas found out the solo date would be determined by blackjack, he tells us, “Blackjack is my game.” Yeah, daddy. Which immediately should’ve told all of us he wasn’t getting past the 1st round. Very predictable. -Follow me here: Vic vs. Wade. Vic’s first two cards are an ace & 4. Wade’s first two are a 4 & 5. Can someone double check Jordan’s ethnicity please? Did he have any long lost relatives who were Asian? Just checking. So Wade’s got 9, and Vic’s got 5 or 15. Mind you, the dealer is showing a 6. So Vic hits and gets an ace, giving him now 6. He hits again, gets a 7, and now has 13. Wade hits, gets a 10, and is at 19. Wade 19, Vic 13, Dealer showing 6. Dealer flips over card and shows a 3. Hits and gets a 2. Dealer now has 11. Guess what? Commercial. Such suspense. Uh, not really. I think it’s obvious even to a novice that Wade was going to win. Last time I checked, 19 beats a 13, and all the winner had to do was beat the dealer. -So they cut back from commercial, the dealer pulls a 3, then a 4. Dealer stops with 18. Wade wins. Vic is still scratching his head adding numbers lower than 10. Wade gets the solo date. Chad Fabulous, Erica, and Thomas get one date, while Greg, Vic, and Chad V. have a date to get ready for in an hour. Whoa. They only gave the guys an hour? What will they do? I mean, to throw the jeans on, splash on a pint of cologne, and pleasure themselves will take a whole 4 minutes! Anyway, I really thought blackjack was an interesting way to see who got the solo date, until Chad Fabulous opened his giant, whale-sized mouth and said, “I would’ve loved to go on the solo date with Erin. But I guess it just wasn’t in the cards.” AAAAAAHHHHHH HHHHHAAAAAAAA!!!! WHOOOOOOOO!!!!! HHHHHEEEEE HHHHHEEEEE HHHHHEEEEE!!!! Damn, this guy’s funny. “Please, ladies and gentlemen stop it. My name’s Chad. I’ll be here all weekend. Try the veal and be sure to tip your waitress”. Shutup, you tard. A very bad attempt at humor by the fabulous one. -(Ok. It’s 11:50 and Drew Carey hasn’t even appeared. I’m guessing Erin will get about a minute and thirty seconds). Time for Group 1’s date and Erin is making her first appearance of the show. It’s 9:14!!! She’s the star of the show and we don’t see her until a quarter of the way through? What’s going on here? The guy’s are not that interesting. They don’t need a whole fourteen minutes to themselves. Especially Erica. Apparently that guy’s already had enough TV time. So, six months ago he’s banging 21 year olds in Hawaii, and now he’s convinced himself he’s out to find his soulmate? I see. “I got the magic stick….I know if I could hit once….I could hit twice…..I rock the boat…..I work the middle….I speed it up…..Straight beat it up…..” Don’t know why I started singing that. Just seemed appropriate. -So on this date, the Oil takes them out onto a ropes course. She wants to develop some trust in them, so they each have an obstacle they have to do with her so they can try and start bonding. I was half expecting Joe Rogan to come out at this point and offer the guys a horse intestine/cow testicle/pig urine shake to down in 30 seconds. When did this show become “Fear Factor”? Very strange dates on this show. I understand the concept, I just thought that was something you did as an icebreaker during freshman year orientation, not on a date when you’re vying for a million bucks. Regardless, this event started and I felt like I was watching the circus. -By the way, the circus is one of the more overrated shows in America. Even for a kid. The only thing that comes out of taking your child to the circus is the horrible nightmares they’ll develop from seeing the bearded lady. I’m still scarred to this day after seeing some 20 foot tall man walking around in silk pants. Yes, I know he was on stilts, but at the time, I thought he was really that tall. Children aren’t that bright. Don’t torture them. Especially with the 300 clowns they pile into the Volkswagon. Who thought of that as part of a circus act? I get the trapeze, I get the elephants, and lions, and tigers, and to some extent I even get the rings of fire. But clowns piling into a Volkswagon? Huh? The only circus worth watching is the Cirque de Soleil. Now that’s entertainment. Anytime some woman can bend her back so that she can pull her feet to be pointing the same direction her head is facing, that’s impressive. It’s also very erotic. -(12:15. No Erin. Drew Carey is on his 2nd segment. I haven’t seen Leno in about 9 months. I forget, is this over at 12:30 or 1:00?. And I think Drew’s whole schtick with the thick black glasses works better than the “Lasik Eye Surgery Drew”. Just an opinion). Vic and Erin must face each other and hold hands while walking a tightrope together. Like I said, very odd dates. They get about _ of the way across before she dumps him. I think. Well, it seemed like she let go because she was sick of holding onto him. But then she said, “I was very impressed the way Vic handled himself on the ropes course”. Um, ok. Next. -Greg didn’t do much to help his case here. He basically didn’t guide Erin along, was telling her what to do instead of helping her, and I think she hates him now. “I didn’t feel as good on the challenge with Greg as I did with Vic. The more time I spend with Greg, the less I think we’re right.” Translation: Greg isn’t going anywhere. Too obvious. **********Erin’s appearance on Jay Leno*********** -Officially starts at 12:21. How do I know before this starts, Jay will pretend he knows nothing about the show, lob a bunch of softball questions up there, or, ask questions that Erin won’t be able to answer? This isn’t going to be good. -Whoa. Is Erin wearing lingerie? Damn. That dress is about as light as air. The wardrobe people on Leno get an A+. Well, maybe not. I’m guessing she got to choose her own outfit for the show. Erin gets an A+. First question by Jay: “Explain to those who never saw ‘For Love or Money’ what it was about.” Here we go. I swear. I know I could host a talk show. I understand there’s a certain protocol of what these guys have to follow, and they’re supposed to follow a certain format and give them easy questions to answer, but c’mon Jay. -Erin explains “For Love or Money”. Rob was a dork, she chose the million, and, “I didn’t see myself dating him after the show ended.” Neither did any of us. So then Jay decides to ask about past boyfriends, and she tells us about a guy she met as USC who she had a crush on, then she ran into him at a party, he was screwing some other chick and she walked in on it (ok, maybe not screwing, but she did walk in on him and another girl), then they ended up dating a couple years later for 5 years. End of story. -And she closed with a story about how that same guy hopped in bed with her mom the night of her college graduation. Or something like that. So basically Jay let Erin do all the talking while he kept his mouth shut. All for the better. We didn’t need Jay’s mindless babbling pretending he doesn’t know anything about his guest. It’s interviews like these that make me want to get back into the media. I swear I can have people write my jokes for me better than he can. Yes, I realize Jay writes a lot of his monologues and tries it out at the comedy club in Hermosa on Sunday nights. My point exactly. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed once at something he said during his monologue. Canned jokes with canned laughter isn’t funny to me. -All in all, a decent performance. Barely got any time, told ex-boyfriends stories, and looked smoking hot. I give it a B+. Why am I grading everything tonight? Didn’t you love it when you were in school, and if you got a B- on a test, you’d tell your parents you got a B, but if you got a B+, you’d tell them you got a B+? Why did we do that? And why was a “D” still considered a passing grade? You could get all “D’s” and pass. A “D” is like 63-65%, right? Since when is that considered good? And was getting a D+ supposed to make you feel better? “Here Steve, you did horrible, but a plus won’t make you seem like a complete failure.” *******We now return to our regularly scheduled column********* -Chad V. has his obstacle course turn with Oil and they have to walk across a wooden log starting from opposite ends and meet in the middle. How cute. Chad V. basically sprints across and gets to Erin before she’s even taken about 3 steps. Erin didn’t know what to make of that. “There are times in your life where you don’t want people overcompensating for your weaknesses or else you won’t be able to grow.” (Gulp). She didn’t just say that, did she? For pete’s sake, all he wanted to do was get closer to you. Her philosophy on Chad V.’s ability to walk across a log seemed juuuuuuuust a little too deep. Call me crazy. But hey, whatever floats her boat. I understand what she meant, but all the guy did was walk across a log. No need to go all “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” on him. -I actually read a whole chapter of that book on Saturday, and I think I may have pulled out a good handful of hair. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT GUY RAMBLING ABOUT? The one chapter I read was entitled, “Scoring Points with the Opposite Sex.” Or, as I would’ve titled it, “P****whipped Things You Can do to Maybe Get in her Pants”. I figured, “Hey, I gotta check this out. Maybe I’m doing something wrong.” He has a list of 101 things a man can do to score points with a woman. And these aren’t major things, but just little things to do here and there to have a better chance of having sex more than once a week. Some of these I completely agreed with, “Tell her ‘I love you’ at least a couple times per day”, “Take pictures of her on special occasions”, “Make a point of cuddling or being affectionate sometimes without being sexual” (Ok, let’s not push it here, Dr. Gray), “Display affection in public”, and my favorite “Create occasions when you can both dress up.” I agree with all of those. Then I got to some that I completely shook my head at….. -….. “If she washed your socks, turn your socks right side out so she doesn’t have to” (WHAT?!!! That scores you points?) “Offer to build a fire in the wintertime” (Sure. We here in California are always freezing our asses off in the wintertime. I’ll get right on that). “Plan a date several days in advance, rather than waiting for Friday night and asking her what she wants to do” (Damn. You mean no more surprise bags of Burger King on the weekends?) “Wash before having sex or put on a cologne if she likes that” (Or just wash each other during sex. Nothing wrong with that either). “Be understanding when she is late or decides to change her outfit” (Is that possible? I think I just bit my tongue off). “Take her side when she is upset with someone” (What if that someone is me? I want to be on my side). And a couple of the more humorous things this clown wrote, “When listening to her, reassure her that you are interested by making little noises like ah ha, uh huh, oh, mmhuh, and hmmmm” (Guys do that all the time. Doesn’t mean we’re paying attention though). And finally, “Treat her in ways you did at the beginning of the relationship” (Pardon me, Dr. Gray, if guys did that, nobody would ever break up because every relationship would be perfect). I could literally write a 100 page book, just on that chapter alone. But I won’t. -Back to the show. So in the car ride home from Group date #1, she asks the guys their age, and Vic has to admit he’s 25. Erin: “I usually date guys 2 to 3 years older than me.” Couple things. Ummm, Vic’s gone. Maybe not this week, but he’s not lasting. And secondly, Erica now must figure out how he’s going to add about 6 years to his age in a matter of a couple weeks. I think Erica is in trouble now. Maybe Olive can set him up with Jailbait. He seems to like the little young ones who’ve been on T.V. before. -Time for Wade’s solo date at an empty Hollywood Bowl. Wade is in a tux. The coat is white with the black bow tie. I think I may have mentioned this before, but I did the whole white coat with the black bow tie thing at my senior prom. Now, I can’t even bring myself to look at that thing it was so hideous. White tuxedo coats should be outlawed in all 50 states. I don’t care who’s wearing them, they’re ugly. -Erin says the setting similar to her first date with Knob that was on the beach. Very romantic and peaceful. Except for one major thing. The guy that she’s with now isn’t a complete and utter baffoon who can’t put two sentences together. If I had to pick a winner now, I’d go with Wade the neck. He seems like a decent guy. But apparently, he “lacks mystery.” The Oil apparently doesn’t like guys that open up, are honest, and tell you exactly what they feel. She wants mystery and intrigue. Goodbye Wade. -The quote of the night comes from Wade the neck as they’re conversing over dinner. “I definitely think I’m different than most guys. I need to be more emotionally involved before it becomes physical.” I just swallowed my own vomit. Great. Now Wade’s definitely not winning. He can’t. He’s gay. Wade, so if Erin told you over dinner she would like nothing better than for you to do her in the limo ride home, you’d pass? Uh huh. Wouldn’t we all. “Emotionally involved” my ass. You’d bark like a dog if she asked you to. -They are brought down to the stage for a slow dance. Awwwwww. The waterworks were in full effect here. “Mr. Emotionally Involved” must’ve been in heaven during this dance. I’m sure his emotions were at their peak. As was his unit. Of course, Mr. Emotionally Involved never bothered to try and kiss her, even though she admitted she would’ve liked him to. “It would’ve been nice if he would’ve shown a little more affection.” Yes, it would’ve Erin. However, Wade the neck refuses to get physical until he feels he’s sucked every single emotion out of you. Remember how you made Knob wait until the 5th episode before giving him any love, well, here’s a dose of your own medicine. Apparently Wade won’t touch with a ten foot pole right now. It’s just not emotionally there for him right now. -Wade comes back to the house and spills the beans to the guys. “Wonderful date….it was beautiful…..the music was great….dinner was fantastic….love was in the air….” Wade, the other guys don’t give a shit about what you did. All they want to know is, “Did you stick your tongue down her throat?” That’s it. Tell us that so we can go to bed. -3rd date is with Chad Fabulous, Erica, and Thomas at the Santa Monica Pier. They had it completely rented out to themselves. So no little brats running around screaming for no apparent reason. And I didn’t realize that place actually had rides for people over 46” tall. I mean, there’s no “Matterhorn” or “Thunder Mountain”, but ones that actually travel faster than a stroller. I should head back there soon to check it out. Maybe this weekend or something. Ok. Enough of my plans for the weekend. I’m guessing no one cares. -So the four of them start playing all the games that win the stuffed animals. Awwwwww. Tears flowing again. They play the basketball game and of course they show every guy missing his shot, and Erin makes hers. Very impressed. No, not with her shot. But the way her top almost completely fell off when she shot the ball. That would’ve added a little spice to the show. Is there a reason all three guys shot like girls? Oh wait, there’s more….. -So after their basketball embarrassment, they head on over to the football where they have to hit a moving target to win a 49er stuffed animal. Now of course, with Erin’s dad being a former 49er quarterback and current Hall of Famer, now the guys really wanted to flex their muscles and show her who’s boss. Chad Fabulous and Thomas missed by about 10 feet each. And yes, this moving target was no more than about 6 feet away from them. Erica luckily hits his target on what I’m guessing was take #38. The guy thinks he’s Joe Montana now that he hit the target and won Erin the 49er stuffed animal. I could be wrong, but I’m guessing over the course of her life, Erin has probably had at one time or another, 4,972 different 49er stuffed animals. Just a guess. -Now it’s time to spend a little alone time with each guy on the Ferris Wheel. The Ferris Wheel. Always a great make out ride. That and the “Zipper”. Swinging around in the “Zipper” cage waiting for the ride to start was the perfect time because after it ended, the first thing anyone had to do was puke. Anyway, Thomas and Erin have a little pleasant ride on the wheel. Erin asks what he does, Thomas says he’s a lawyer, Thomas says he feels a connection, and we basically can start warming up the cab for Thomas. There’s nothing there. -Chad Fabulous’ turn and I didn’t hear one thing they said to each other because my roommate still is having a hard time understanding the concept of this show. “So, whoever she picks gets a million dollars? Of course they’re going to pick her.” Sure. Whatever. You’ve only seen every episode since “For Love or Money 1”. Sometimes blondes just need a little bit more explaining. “Erin will choose a guy, and IF he picks her, they get to split two million dollars. Only he doesn’t know that. He also doesn’t know that in a couple weeks, he’ll find out that it’s the money OR Erin, not both.” “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.” -Erica’s turn on the wheel, and Mr. Reality TV immediately takes Erin’s glasses off like he’s going to mount her right there on the ride. Nope. Just wanted to see her eyes. He tells her, “I’m starting to fall for you.” To which the Oil replies, “Thanks”. I’m guessing about six months ago, Erica was saying the same thing on a beach in Maui to some teenie bopper barely of age to drink. What happened to her? Will her and Erin get in a catfight? Can’t wait to find out. I’m sure Bruce Nash and Co. will have a show that brings her back and pairs her with “Munch”. -Date’s over, all the guys back at the mansion talking about their odds of advancing. Vic: “I’m pretty much gone”. Erica: “I’m probably 1-to-1”. Translation: Neither of them is getting booted tonight. -“Who Wants to Marry my Dad?” is up next. I’ve watched this every week and I like everything about this show. The people are likable, the women are o.k., Patrick Stewart isn’t God’s gift, but he seems like a decent enough guy. I just refuse to stay on this channel when old people flirt and make out. There’s something not right with that. I have to turn away like his kids when he’s sucking face with someone. As for his daughter Heidi. She needs her own reality show, like, yesterday. Someone bring a couple cameras and follow her every step for about a month. I’ll watch. -Elimination Ceremony. Ok, here’s where I think the wardrobe fell asleep. Of course, all the guys are dressed very sharp. I would hate to be wrong on this because I’ll sound like an ass, but if I’m not mistaken, Erin wore jeans to this Elimination Ceremony. Shouldn’t she be getting dolled up for all these ceremonies? Knob was always in a suit or a tux. The women were always in nice dresses. These guys are always in suits or tux’s. Jeans? I can’t imagine she picked those out on her own. Like I said though, I could be wrong. But they did look like jeans. Ok. Enough fashion advice from me. God, I sound like Ted Casablanca. -Time to eliminate. We can now officially stamp this next sentence as the #1 repeated sentence in all reality tv dating shows. Erin: “This is by far the most difficult elimination ceremony yet.” Yeah, until next week. Here we go….. Wade the Neck- “I’ve never been on a date that was absolutely perfect until our date.” Damn Neck, you did play your cards right. Hell, never try and kiss her ever, and you’ll end up getting married. That was a “perfect date”? Uhhhhhh. Ok. Erica- She’s intrigued by him and when he told her he was falling for her on the Ferris Wheel, “I got a warm feeling inside when you said that to me.” Funny. Rumor has it his 21 year old slam said the same thing Hawaii. Thomas- She gives him the biggest hug yet (gone). “You have so many great qualities” (gone), “Any women would be lucky to……” (gone), “But……” (gone). Thomas is gone. He ain’t mad at her though. He’ll still get him some fine hiz-zo’s when he heads back down to tha’ clubs in SD this weekend. Chad V.- Other than the fact that I think Erin’s taller than him too, I don’t know what she said. He stays. Greg- Talk about not getting any airtime. This guy’s rarely been in front of the camera. But somehow he and Oil have developed some brilliant connection we haven’t seen. Oh yeah, he did give her a piggy back ride. He stays. -Final Two: Vic and Chad Fabulous. They each look at each other and say, “I’m gone.” Chad Fabulous- She says her and him are probably the most similar. Weeeeeeeee!!!!! She loves his sense of humor, he’s always making her laugh. Oh goodie!!!!!! But Erin apparently doesn’t like people like herself, so she dumps him. Let’s face it, Chad Fabulous was just kind of a dork. Maybe he himself wasn’t a dork, but he definitely gave off a dorky vibe. The constant smiling was a little too much for me. And Erin doesn’t like people similar to herself. She wants someone opposite of her. Sucks to be Chad. Betcha’ that guy was fired up when she was reeling off all those nice things about him, then, BAM!!!! See ya. You know what Chad did after she eliminated him? Smiled. Vic- She felt a connection with his rope on the course. Or something to that effect. He stays. -Why do they feel the need to show us these guys loading up their cabs? Are we expected to believe they have to pay for the fare? Is this a commercial for Yellow Cab? And how come they don’t show us the drivers of these cabs? Those guys are always a pleasant sight. We need more cab drivers and more Jordan in his tight, zippered blouses on this show. -I will say this about “For Love or Money”. Although the production value isn’t nearly as good, and you don’t nearly become as attached to these characters as you would in the “Bachelor” for the sole reason we never get to meet family or anything like that, I like the twists they keep throwing on the show. Next week, apparently one of the guys is offered money to leave the show, and accepts it. Then, in two weeks, the boffo surprise of all boffo surprises…….KNOB RETURNS!!!! YIIIPPPPPPEEEEEEE!!!!! And I thought my days of making fun of him were over. No sir. He’s back to do, well, I have no idea what he’s gonna do. If I had to guess, I’d say he’s going to come back to tell the guys a little about Erin, about how she’s been through this before and all that juicy stuff. I mean, how else are they going to explain this dolt walking back onto the show. “Uh guys, say hello to Rob. He was just in the neighborhood and wanted to check out what was going on…..Ok, see ya later, Rob.” Don’t think so. They’ve gotta tell the guys who he is and what his purpose is in life, although, I’m still trying myself to figure that out.
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