7.14.03 7.21.03 7.28.03 8.4.03 8.11.03 8.18.03 8.25.03 9.1.03 9.8.03	FOR LOVE OR MONEY 2 8.11.03 Ok, so maybe I got a little too fired up over the return of Knob. Considering they gave the guy about four seconds of airtime last night, I really had nothing to flip out over. I should’ve known last week when they showed him on the staircase, that he wouldn’t appear until the end. But of course being the degenerate, reality-crazed, freak that I am, I immediately thought he’d be all over the show. Uh, not quite. So all the questions I posed last week asking how are they going to pull this off, and where do they go from here, and what will Knob tell the other guys, etc….well, just insert that at the end of this column. You may insert it before or after I discuss the chick with the giant rack losing out to the wrinkly old woman on “Who Wants to Marry My Dad?” You know, for the last month, I really began to like those kids. Until they chose their grandmother to marry their father. “Beauty is only skin deep, Steve.” Yeah, yeah. It’s obvious why the two sons dumped Christy…..they wanted to bone her themselves! Kinda hard when she’s already married to pops. So for them, they’re fired up. Getting rid of her was the easy part I guess. Time to go chase a former Miss USA. We’re getting off track here. Let’s begin….. -Real quick. In past articles I’ve mentioned my fondness for “Grease 2”. Well, it was on about 5 times this weekend on Cinemax. I think I only watched it four of the five times. That movie gets better every time I see it. Couple more things: I mean c’mon guys, how did none of those people know it was Michael under the goggles? He talked like him, he looked like him, and Michael was never around when biker guy was around. Nobody could figure that out? Secondly, did you realize that Goose was one of the better T-Birds ever? All he did was repeat whatever Johnny said? Classic. One of the more underrated comedic performances of this generation. And although there are tons of lines from that movie which should go down in the archives, this was my favorite exchange. (Michael and Stephanie just got finished making out on the bike) Stephanie: “I’m starting to shiver.” Michael: “Then hold on.” Stephanie: “That’s what’s making me shiver.” Nothing sums up this movie better than that dialogue right there. Cheesy, high schoolish, horribly written, and priceless. That scene makes me shiver. -We start by Jordan in somewhat normal fitting clothes, coming into the guy’s room, waking them up, and explaining to them how the day would go. Gee Jordan, why not wait until they’re in the shower to make your announcement? Closet gay Jordan seems pretty excited to be waking the guy’s up in the morning. I’d be pissed if I were them. What if they had morning wood going thinking of Erin and this tard walks in? You know how embarrassing, not to mention frustrating, that is? There is nothing worse in this world than being in the middle of the greatest dream ever, then having your alarm go off. Or having some half-a-sissy walk in with four cellphones in his hand. C’mon, J. Better timing. -So Jordan has a cellphone for each of them, Erin will call one guy in a half an hour to go on a date, then at 11:00, 2:00, and 6:00, she’ll call her next date, though it doesn’t necessarily have to be someone who hasn’t had one. I liked this little game as well. Not so much that these five got to play walkie talkie for the whole day, but more so to watch these guys wait in anticipation for a phone to ring. These guys acted like they had never seen a cellphone before. Noel and Wade are trading phones like they’re baseball cards. “Let me see yours.” “Only if you let me see yours.” Grow up, boys. -So Erin makes the first call to Noel, even though Wade was holding Noel’s phone at the time. So Wade being the backwards redneck he is, thinks it’s for him. “Hello?” Erin: “Chad?” Wade: “No, it’s Wade.” So these two toddlers switch phones back and she asks Noel to go on her first date. Wade rethinks why he would even touch another guy’s phone knowing she’s going to be calling soon. Or, at least that’s what I was thinking. Obviously Wade wasn’t. Wade is a very simple man, and thinking doesn’t seem to be something he likes to spend a lot of time doing. Working on his biceps and NOT working on his dancing seems to be how he spends his free time. More on Wade Astaire later. -Erin feels comfortable with Noel in her limo ride over to the ice skating rink. She says it took her a while before opening up to Knob, whereas she feels herself opening up to Noel much quicker. Cute first date. Ice skating. I can honestly say, I’ve never stepped foot on an ice skating rink. And I don’t plan to. Unless I go on a reality show, they force me to put on skates, and set up a dinner table in the middle of the rink to where my date can look me directly in the eyes and profess their love for the Olive Garden to me. Other than that, put me on a miniature golf course. Or at a comedy club. Or at the beach. Keep me as far away from ice as possible. -So they get to the ice skating rink, and they don’t ice skate. They play hockey. Olive Oil gets in full goalie pads while Noel stands at the blue line firing 80 mph shots at her. Who thought of this romantic moment? He could’ve knocked her unconscious with one of those slap shots? And why wasn’t anyone looking out for Erin’s personal well being? Let’s do some quick math: Erin weighs 85 pounds. All her goalie padding weighed at least 105 pounds. She can’t move, people! Someone help her! I felt bad. I was half expecting her to pass out at any moment. But there’s Noel, without a care in the world, firing away on a poor, frail, helpless soul like it’s for the freakin’ Stanley Cup. Good God. Ease up, Noel. -The only thing good to come out of it for Noel was apparently when he was helping her put on her suit of armor, he copped a feel. And Erin didn’t mind. She says he grabbed her butt. Finally. At least someone’s making a move to try and stretch a single into a double. Look, I know “hand on ass” isn’t a double, but on network TV it is. And by the way, exactly what are the bases and at what stage in your life do they change? Based on the research I’ve done, here’s what I’ve come up with. Ages 0-13. First Base: Making out. Second Base: Touching outside of clothing. Third Base: Touching underneath clothing. Home Run: Touching underneath clothing. And then some. Ages 13-60. First Base: Groping. Second Base: Groping with benefits. Third Base: Oral sex. Home Run: Intercourse. Ages 60 and over. First Base: Holding hands. Second Base: Touching without oxygen tank in the way. Third Base: Anything where teeth don’t have to be removed. Home Run: Not dying during sex. I’d say my research is pretty accurate, don’t you think? I really have a lot of time on my hands to come up with a chart like that. Please help. -Noel and Erin enjoy their date. He’s falling for her. She’s falling for him. And he’s wearing a hat like he’s at a freakin’ baseball game. Take off the hat, buddy. Look, I don’t mean to play “Mr.-Queer-Eye-for-the-Straight-Guy-fashion-consultant” here, but isn’t the whole “hat-on-a-date-where-you’re-trying-to-impress-some-chick-with-a-million-dollars-at-stake” a little tacky? Maybe it’s just me. -It’s 11:00. Time for Erin to call her next date. Pan back to the house, and these three lemmings are sitting by their cellphones like they’re waiting for Santa to arrive. I’ve never seen anyone more excited to receive a phone call in my life. They’re on pins and needless praying Erin calls them. She’s doesn’t. She calls Noel who’s sitting right next to her and asks to extend their date. He accepts. The whole phone thing got a little cheesy, especially when she actually had to talk to Noel once he picked up his phone, but hey, all shows can’t be perfect. -So all the dudes are disappointed Erin didn’t call at 11:00, meaning they’ll have to wait until 2:00 to find out the next date, and one of them is definitely going to be axed out of alone time with the Oil tonight. Erica is none too happy. He’s quite disappointed Erin extended her date with Noel because he felt he said some things at the last elimination ceremony that might make him look bad. Something about throwing Vic under the bus, and that he said they were all offered money to “sell their souls” or something. Erica is so creepy at this point, I really don’t care what he has to say anymore. Weird guy. Small mouth. Greasy hair. Just a weasel to be honest. -Erin and Noel are on their date somewhere (man, I’m really not paying any attention to where these people go anymore), and they come up to a wishing well. What a crock of shit those are. Hey, I’ll give credit where credit is due. Whatever jackass invented the wishing well is a freakin’ genius in my mind. “Here, throw me your change, and anything you wish for will never happen in a million years.” I’d honestly say over the years, I’ve thrown about $6.35 into wishing wells, and Jennifer Love Hewitt is still not my girlfriend. What’s that bullshit? Granted, it’s only $6.35, but c’mon. It’s a wishing well. Shouldn’t my wishes be answered at some point? At what point do I stop throwing hard earned money into that thing only to have my dreams shattered? I guess I’ll outgrow them eventually. I need to go halfsies with the guy who invented the wishing well. I can be his partner, sit right next to the well, tell everybody we’re out of water that day and I’ll just collect their money, give him 15%, then go about my business. Wishing wells suck. -It’s 2:00pm. Time for Erin’s next call. Pan back to the house, and there are the four puppies waiting anxiously by their cellphones. Wade’s phone rings. “Hello?” “Hey, it’s Erin.” “Hey there……” Ummmmm….who else could’ve had access to this phone number? Why would Wade even pick it up and say “hello”? Why would Erin have to come back with, “Hey. It’s Erin.” This is a very simple game and they’re making me clench my teeth so tight together, my brain is starting to hurt. “Hey, it’s Erin.” NO SHIT!!! And I thought this whole time that Jordan was going to come out of the closet to give Wade a call. -Erica is still pouting over not getting chosen at the 2:00 date. “I’m really hurt by not getting a phone call.” He’s now saying he doesn’t feel well, and he looks like he’s about to cry. No joke. The guy’s already felt her wet body in a bikini last week when they were in the jacuzzi, yet he’s balling because his phone didn’t ring. Pipe down Erica. You’re bitching about your situation, and Greg the Bore…zzzzzzz….(yawn)…..zzzzzz…..(yawn)….hasn’t even gotten any alone time with her. Never a good sign. When a woman is determining whether or not to continue to see you, and she doesn’t let you get any alone time with her, my suggestion is you just pull the trigger. You’re done. -Wade: “This time around, Erin’s definitely going to see the edgier side of Wade….and I’m definitely going to kiss her.” Uh oh. He’s referring to himself in the third person. Wade likes Wade. Wade is pretty proud of Wade’s muscles. Wade is confident that Erin is falling for Wade. An edgier side of Wade? The hell you say. What could that possibly be? Is he going to try and actually make physical contact with someone from the opposite sex? Does this entail him maybe pounding two beers instead of one to get a little buzz going? The edgier side of Wade. Can’t wait to see it. The anticipation is killing me. -Back at the house, Greg and Erica are still bitching about not getting picked. Greg: “I’m still the only person remaining who hasn’t had a 1-on-1 date with Erin.” Good. Let’s keep it that way. Ace of Base once had a song called, “Sign”. “I saw the sign….you opened up my eyes…I saw the sign.” I think this song was written for Greg the Bore. Although, he still couldn’t find the sign with a giant magnifying glass, a pipe, trench coat, and funny hat. Or a propeller thingy on his hat. What I’m trying to say is, Inspector Gadget he’s not. Can you believe they even made a movie out of that show? What’s worse is Matthew Broderick actually penned his name to that thing. Has Matthew Broderick made a movie worth the price of admission since “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”? Didn’t think so. -Erica is just as bad. He’s taken his ball and gone home. He’s crumpled in the fetal position in bed sucking his thumb, and can’t believe Erin wouldn’t pick him for the 2:00 date. God forbid a woman didn't want to spend any of her free time with Erica the sleazeball. Except 21 year old hotties on “Meet My Folks”. We need to get an update on that girl. Where she is? What’d she think of Erica? Did she have a smaller mouth than he does? A follow up show is all I’m asking for. And you can throw Heidi from “Who Wants to Marry My Dad?” in there for no reason at all too. I’m guessing we haven’t seen the last of that chick on NBC. Somehow, someway, I’m sure they’ll find a way to have a camera in front of that girl in the near future. I’ll demand it and hold people hostage like Donna Martin’s stalker during her senior year of college on “Beverly Hills 90210”. Great episode. An all timer. He holds Donna hostage just so he can make her say on TV that she loves him. Kook. -So 6:00 rolls around, and it’s time for Erin to make her next call. Will she call Erica or Greg back at the house? Or will she stay with Wade? No brainer. She stays with Wade. Greg the Snore: “Just looks like today wasn’t my day.” Well, at least Greg’s got a positive attitude and doesn’t pout like Erica. I don’t think any day since you began on this show was your day, Bore. Let’s break it down a little further. She’s now had two 1-on-1 dates with Wade. She spent some quality time with Noel this morning getting hockey pucks blasted at her face. Erica had her hot and bothered in the jacuzzi. And you, well, let’s just say you can’t hit a single if you haven’t gotten out of the dugout yet. Good luck, Snore. Hey, at least you got to give her that little piggyback ride on the beach. There’s a moment you can cherish forever. -We are 35 minutes into the show, and it’s finally happened. Took a little while, but we finally got there. Erin: “I definitely think Wade is smitten with me, and it’s good to see him open up a bit more.” Yes my friends, “smitten” has returned. I thought maybe last week was the last we’d hear of that word, but not quite. It lives on. Now Wade is part of our smitten clan. Erin is smitten with Erica. Erica is smitten with Erin. Wade is smitten with Erin. Does this mean Wade is smitten with Erica? Find out next week on “For Smitten or Money 2”. -So on their second date into the night, Wade and Erin go dancing and he tries to stick up for the other guys by saying, “You’ve got three great guys to choose from.” Last time we checked, there were four guys in the house. Apparently there’s a conspiracy against getting Erica booted from the house since none of the guys like him. So Wade subtly did his best to basically tell Erin, “Why have you kept this clown around? What do you see in a guy that was on ‘Meet my Folks’ six months ago?” Whatever. I’m more interested in these two dancing. Let’s just say Wade is not the fleetest of foot out there. Maybe it was because he was wanting to kiss her the whole time, but I wasn’t impressed. But hey, he’s trying. This is difficult for a southern neck like him. I mean, he’s actually having to dance to music coming from instruments instead of from people blowing into jugs, clapping hands, and stomping their feet. Quite a transition to make. -So Wade moves in for the kiss. “It was real nice. Real soft and sweet.” In the limo ride home, they discuss their first kiss. Erin: “I usually don’t kiss on the first date.” Wade: “Neither do I.” What? It’s 2003. Who doesn’t kiss on first dates? Why do I have a feeling if Erin said, “I was hoping you’d jump all over me on our first date”, Wade would’ve come back with, “I wanted to, but I’m a complete nervous wreck around you.” He never brought this up to us earlier when he said he should’ve kissed after their date at the Hollywood Bowl. Wade’s a liar. Noel has monkey-like facial features. Greg can make watching paint dry and exciting event. And Erica’s a chick. Maybe she should rethink this and go back with Knob. -So to end their date, Wade and Erin get Henna tattoo’s. Wade decides to get “Be honest. Be true” in chinese writing on his arm. Erin gets the same on her ankle. Awwwwww…matching tattoos. Good thing those wash off in a couple months. “Be honest. Be true”? Yeah, that’s something that should go on their bodies considering the beginning of their relationship is one big lie that both of them are keeping from each other. Wade’s tattoo should’ve read: “I’m a big liar who has no business being with someone as hot and sophisticated as this chick.” In fact, let’s give all the guy’s tattoos. Noel’s would read: “Jennifer Garner dumped me, my career’s in the toilet, and all I get to live off of now is residual checks from ‘Felicity” running on the ‘Oxygen Network’.” Erica’s would read, “WAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!” And Greg’s would probably be something to the effect of, “I went on a reality TV show and all I got was this stinkin’ tattoo.” -Commercial break. Sweet. We’re only a couple weeks away from the release of “Freddy vs. Jason”. You know, with all the crap out there right now, finally something to look forward to. It’s the summer of sequels, and what better way to top it all off with a battle between the guy in the hockey mask who’s been killed 10 times already vs. the guy who appears in your dreams, has also been killed about 10 times, yet he’s not a real person because he only appears in dreams. What could this movie possibly be about? We’ve never seen Jason sleeping, so how can Freddy ever appear to kill him? And Jason only hangs out in the woods waiting for dumbass teenagers to fire up some marshmallows before he starts chopping heads off. Who thought of this idea? And I thought “The Hulk” was bad. There won’t be a worse movie ever made than “Freddy vs. Jason.” Well, except maybe “Gigli”. I love the fact that some critics are calling that one of the top five worst movies ever. I didn’t see it and even I know it sucks. -So the commercial goes from “Freddy vs. Jason” to Miss Teen USA being crowned this week. Now that’s what I’m talking about. Miss Teen USA. Kobe Bryant isn’t hosting this is he? Oh, he’s not. But I’m sure he’ll be showing up with the leash around his neck that Vanessa will drag him in on. Talk about wearing the pants in a relationship. What that Garbage Grove, Jay-Z video groupie trash has on Kobe I’ll never know, but needless to say, Kobe is definitely “smitten” with her. $4 million dollar purple diamond ring? Are you kidding me? Kobe, she wasn’t leaving you anyway. Why the hell are you blowing 4 large on her? Talk about finding yourself a gold mine. Just imagine this life. Your mom’s filed for bankruptcy in the last few years, you come from nothing, you’re a skank extra in MTV videos, Kobe Bryant shows up one day, you flirt with him, and six months later you’re engaged to the biggest star in the NBA. Congratulations sweetie. I guess the wishing well worked for her. -It’s the morning of the elimination and the meatheads are working out. Well, three of them are. Little bitch Erica is still in bed staring at the ceiling, still baffled by why Erin didn’t pick him. Wade and Noel tell Greg that on their dates with Erin, they talked him up to her so she’d keep him around. First sign that we knew Greg was gone. And what’s with this collboration here? Guys talking up other guys? Don’t Wade and Noel want to win? Maybe that was the strategy. Knowing Greg was a complete and utter zero, they figured if they could convince Erin for at least one more week he wasn’t that bad, their chances would improve. Not quite guys. She can see right through Greg. He’s a tard. -The guys have one last chance to say something to Erin before she makes her decision. Why Wade and Noel chose to say something is beyond me. Who didn’t know that those two were locks to advance? Noel: “I missed you.” Dude, you just saw her yesterday. You miss her? What about poor Greggie who hasn’t seen, felt, touched, or heard from Erin since about Day 2? Wade: “I get this warm feeling every time I see your face.” Well, that’s either him “smittening” all over himself, or Wade’s trying to convince himself he’s in love. Greg: “Wanted to see you….waiting for call…..Date 4….going delirious….blah blah blah…..” Someone throw this guy a life preserver. He’s sinking pretty fast. Erica: Finally Erica gets his chance to tell her what he’s been wanting to tell her the whole show about what he said last week. This is his big moment. His moment to shine. Here he goes. “I just wanted to ummmm…..last week…..didn’t want you to think I was throwing Vic under the bus…..selling our souls….I made it seem contribed.” Contribed? He’s had three days to rehearse this and blurts out “contribed” instead of saying it was “contrived”? Get rid of this fool, now. That alone would should be reason enough. -Elimination Ceremony. It’s at this point where I realized we’re barely going to be seeing Knob at all. I mean, it’s 9:55, and she hasn’t even started to elminate anyone yet. But here she goes….. Noel: “I was giddy after our date….you made me feel like a little girl.” I don’t know how to react to this. Erin used “giddy” and “little girl” in the same sentence. Either this guy’s got it made, or Erin’s just coming up with stuff out of her ass to sound original. Giddy? Who uses that word anymore? Wade: She likes he’s shown a more playful side, and loved spending time with him. Yeah, but were you “giddy”? Somehow, “Wade” and “giddy” don’t seem to go together. And if that’s Wade’s playful side…..oh boy. I don’t even know if $2 million is worth having to hang around “playful Wade.” I think Wade’s crying when she keeps him around. “Playful Wade” is now “Crying little girl Wade”. Erica: She immediately starts in with nothing good to say before they go to commercial. “You’ve been nervous….you’re trying too hard….it makes me think…..” At this point, they break to commercial. And we all know rule #12 in reality show television. “If someone is constantly dwelling on the negative to begin with, it’ll turn out positive.” Sure enough, when they get back from commercial, it turns to, “I’m a really simple person. You don’t need to try so hard. Calm down. Quit being a big baby. I’ll keep you around.” Erica’s giddy. Greg: This was awesome. “You’re an amazing person. I just feel that you didn’t open up as much as the other guys.” Greg: “Well, it’s kinda hard when you don’t have a date.” Erin: “Ummmm…..err……uhhhhhh……yeah, anyway, I need my ring back.” Perfect. No need to respond to Greg’s perfectly logical response. Just ignore it and move on. He’s chopped liver. Who cares what he has to say now? He’s going home. Perfectly handled. -Jordan comes out and tells Erin someone from her past will now be included into the game. Obviously, it’s Knob as he appears at the top of the steps with the other guys wearing the exact same white coat, black bow tie he was wearing when Erin dumped him. 4 guys left. 3 episodes. Previews show that Knob apparently is still pretty smitten with Erin. He tells her he’s crazy about her. And none of the other three guys like him. Gee, wonder why? So this tard is actually back in the game trying to win over Erin? Huh? She chose a million bucks over the guy? What would possibly make her change her mind about him? And what does that say about him? Granted, he was probably offered some cash to come back to the show. Please, tell me he was offered some cash to come back to the show. He didn’t voluntarily do this, did he? I think Erin would choose Munch over Knob. It’ll definitely be worth watching. Can’t wait for the final three episodes of “For Groveling or Money 2”.
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