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7.14.03 7.21.03 7.28.03 8.4.03 8.11.03 8.18.03 8.25.03 9.1.03 9.8.03 |
FOR LOVE OR MONEY 2 8.25.03 While flipping channels last night to kill time before the show started, I came across a variety of channels that I had no idea about. One imparticular though. The "WE" Channel, or "Women's Entertainment" Channel. Huh? Now women have two channels all to themselves? The Oxygen Network wasn't good enough for them? What's this new crap? Anyway, on this "WE" Channel was every chicks favorite ice skating movie. No, not "Ice Castles". Yeah, that was realistic. A blind figure skater. She was hot, yet she chose Robbie Benson as her boyfriend. Apparently when you lose your sight, you also lose your taste in guys as well. Robbie Benson? What a dope. "We forgot about the flowers." Great line to end a movie. That wasn't based on a true story was it? My condolences if it was. No, every chicks favorite most recent ice skating movie was "The Cutting Edge" with Moira Kelly and D.B. Sweeney. Another movie that when it comes on, I find myself being stuck on that channel until the last line is utterted. Do I enjoy figure skating that much? Am I really interested about a fictious hockey player and some spoiled brat coming together to win a gold medal? (Actually, we never actually get to see if they win the gold. He just tells her after the final routine that he wants to get in her pants or something like that). Or do I watch it to ask myself, "Why hasn't Moira Kelly been in any movie since?" I'll choose the latter. Oh yeah, "For Love or Money 2" was on. Let's get to that before I start giving my review of "American Anthem" with Mitch Gaylord and Wayne Gretzky's hot wife.... -Let's cut to the chase: Erin's going on three 24 hour fantasy dates with the remaining bozo's. And I use the term "fantasy" loosely. Let's call one of them cheap, the other one repetitive, and the other one boring. Noel's up first with the cheap date to Puerto Vallarta. Not necessarily cheap in cost, just cheap as in "let's-send-them-to-a-nice-part-of-Mexico-which-is-like-saying-let's-take-them-to-the-safe-part-of-Compton". Mexico's a dump, and you can't convince me otherwise. Notice how they never showed Noel or Erin drinking the water? So Erin picks Noel up in the limo, as they head to the airport to take a private jet. (Drink up people, Erin's got her low-cut jeans on. Hey, we have something in common. Her jeans are on low, as are my boxers. Ok. I apologize for that. Won't happen again). -Immediately Noel starts in with his, "I've got so many emotions right now....I don't know what I'm feeling....Who am I?....Who is she?....Do I really know her?....Am I acting like a complete girl right now?" I swear. Noel is actually turning into Noel. That guy was a complete woman when it came to Felicity. At least Ben boozed it up, and cheated with other chicks like Avery and that one drunk that helped his father. Yeah, Ben may have whispered every line he had for four seasons, but dammit, that's good acting. Has there ever been a worse acting job in the history of dramatic television than Scott Speedman's portrayal of "Ben" on "Felicity"? I give you 5 years to come up with someone worse. Clock's ticking.... -So Noel and Erin are enjoying dinner....sort of. Is it just me, or is no one talking during this dinner? Here was the conversation we heard... Noel: "Is everything o.k.?" Erin: "I'm good." Noel: "Are you sure?" Erin: "Positive." Noel: "Good." Now, these two were claiming because there "connection" is so unbelievable, that they feel so comfortable around each other. Hmmmm.....so if the dinner conversations sound like that now, what will they sound like 25 years into marriage? Noel: "Is everything o.k.?" Erin: "I'm good." Noel: "Are you sure?" Erin: "Positive." Noel: "Good." -Erin: "I feel so comfortable around you." Excuse me, I need to go find a dictionary. Ok, here's one. Let's see, "comfortable" (this is straight from Webster's Dictionary online) 1 a : affording or enjoying contentment and security b : affording or enjoying physical comfort 2 a : free from vexation or doubt b : free from stress or tension Hmm....looks to me like none of those definitions state "a dinner lacking in conversation with a guy who has giant ears and loves wearing hats that cover his face." But hey, that's just me. And while we're at it, I might as well check the official definition of my favorite word ever. "Smitten", which by the way, wasn't used again in this show. I'm pissed off. Someone just throw it out there even if it's out of context. Jordan: "I"m definitely becoming smitten with Chad." Woops. Bad example. Anyway, here's Webster's official definition. "Smitten" 1 : to strike sharply or heavily especially with the hand or an implement held in the hand 2 a : to kill or severely injure by smiting b : to attack or afflict suddenly and injuriously -Time for the hot tub. Pound that beer ladies and gentleman, Erin's looking as hot as ever. Her and Noel are exchanging some pretty heavy kisses. In fact, my T.V. just informed that if I wanted to see the unedited version, to just turn to "Skinemax" on my DirecTV. Yikes. Of course, Noel being the tard he is, is once again trying to analyze Erin's kisses. Noel: "I have to ask myself, 'Are those real kisses? Is that real passion'"? For God's sakes, shut the hell up already. The woman's half naked in a pool with you and you're questioning how sensitive her kisses are? Does Noel actually want to win this thing, or is he just enjoying the free six week vacation at the mansion? -As they head to commercial, the announcer plugs the upcoming elimination ceremony as the "most important elimination yet". So, they've broken away from the "most dramatic" and gone to "most important". Why is this elimination any important than the other ones? Are we already dismissing the previous twelve as complete losers who's fifteen minutes will be up after next week's reunion episode airs? The other guy's should take offense to this. What about what's his face in episode one? Or, or, or that one real nice guy who got eliminated after the 2nd episode? I liked him a lot. Or even the token black guy? -Commercial. "Telemundo" is advertising their upcoming reality series on NBC. It's called "La Cienicienta." First off, translation please. I don't have a Spanish-to-English Dictionary handy. Neither do probably 99% of the people watching this show. Secondly, I've never been a big fan of subtitles in movies. Now we have subtitles in TV shows? Forget it. I won't watch two seconds of this show. Wait a second. A beautiful Latina girl has to choose between 15 eligible bachelors, and in the end after she chooses, he has to decide whether he wants to stay with her after she reveals her secret she's been keeping the whole time- she has a kid!!! Damn. Now this might get interesting. How come none of the networks have thought of this concept? Single mothers are the horniest women alive. Do you realize how much potential there is for all the boinking that could go on during this show? That's it. I'm sold. What channel is Telemundo? -Time for Noel to hand off his date to Wade. Just like in the original "For Love or Money", right when Noel and Erin got off the plane, Wade was waiting to board the plane. Erin had to give the "I-want-to-make-out-with-you-but-I-can't-or-Wade-will-piss-his-pants" hug to Noel. Noel leaves. Wade arrives. God help us. Erin and Wade are flying to Sedona, Arizona for their date. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I mean, c'mon people. Can we get original? Look, I'm no world traveler. And granted, I've never been to Sedona, Arizona. Trista and stalker Russ hung out there one night, and now these two? What is going on? I thought candlelight dinners overlooking the ocean were romantic? Sedona, Arizona? I guess that's why I'm single. That's it. I'm buying two tickets to Sedona tomorrow. One for me, and one for whoever else. I'll just leave it open until that day, or that year comes when some female wants to go with me. If all these lovebirds can find true love there, then dammit, so can I. -Ok, Wade has on the ugliest looking hat I've ever seen. Is he from the Old West now? To quote Anthony Michael Hall in "Sixteen Candles", "Would you take that ridiculous thing off!!!" I mean, if this is "easy goin', high fivin', hand jivin', livin' it up" Wade, uhhhh, I'd rather see the old Wade again please. That "Indiana Jones" thing has got to go. I literally thought we were going to see him running from giant boulders and ripping guys' hearts from their chest. Wade, an outdoorsman you are not. You're a complete stiff that is wound tighter than a baseball. Get over yourself. -Wade and Erin's fantasy date takes a turn for the better (for the time being) when they arrive at the masseuse parlor. Oh boy. More bikini shots. I swear, if you're playing the drinking game correctly, you've got to be completely blacked out by now. Wade and Erin must give each other massages. (Gulp). I think it would've been appropriate to, instead of playing soothing, soft music, to bump in a little Nelly while this was going on. "It's getting hot in herrrrrrre....so take off all yo' clothes....I am....gettin' so hot....I wanna take my clothes off....." I know I was close to. -Quote of the Night: As Erin is lying face down on the table ("Face down....ass up....that's the way we like to......" Sorry. Gotta give Luther Campbell and the boys a little love). Anyway, as she's lying face down on the table, the masseuse delivers the line of the season so far, "Is this o.k. if we undo your bikini top?" I mean, where do I begin? Look lady, no need to ask, just do. Secondly, why is Wade standing there with his hands in his pockets. Dammit, do it yourself little boy. Would you grow a pair already? Jeesh. Between Noel's overanalyzation and Wade being a freakin' little pansy, Rob's chances are looking better than ever. -Wade: "I was rubbing Erin all over her body....her neck, her hair....I was trying to make it as sensual as possible." There you go, Wade. Now you're starting to come around, big guy. Ok, this is getting a little too much for me. I mean honestly, did they really need to torture us with this? With all the bikini scenes, and making out, and oiling, and rubbing, I swear to you, this is becoming the first reality show ever that makes it possible to watch with the volume and my pants down. Ok. I admit it. That was wrong. I said it would never happen again, and it did. Accept my apology. Speaking of soft porn television, "Temptation Island 3" starts Thursday. You don't know how excited I am for that. Problem is, I was fully expecting to write a column, but realized my schedule will not allow. Sorry. Basketball league on Thurs. nights. Plus, I'll be in Vegas during the 2nd week of the show. That would've been my favorite show to write about ever. All the sex, drinking, dancing, bikini's, hookers, and cheating you can think of all wrapped up into one hour of television. Forget it. Somehow, someway, I gotta find a way to write about the show. How about this? Count me in, but you won't be getting the review until Monday morning. That's the best I can do. And I'll definitely miss the 2nd episode. -So Wade and Erin continue to cop cheap feels on each other. Wade's totally turned on and horny as me right now. Erin isn't enjoying any second of it. "Massages are more of a personal thing, and I don't think Wade and I are really ready for that yet...(10 minutes later)....There wasn't a connection there." Wade to Erin: "That feels soooooo good. You're really good at this." (Drink up if you're not passed out yet). Oh please. Why not just throw the ol' "You're-the-best-I-ever-had" line at her? I'm guessing if Erin was the worst massage giver in the history of mankind, Wade still would've dropped that line on her. Ladies, one thing guys will always lie about is how good you are at something that pleases him. I take that back. They won't necessarily lie, they'll just overexaggerate. "Wow. That was great. That was the best sex ever." No it wasn't, dude. It was the best sex you had that day. Just like the women lie to us about our performance in bed, we lie in return. So no hard feelings, ladies. We're both lying are asses off to each other. And what a shocker. For the 3,196th time since the show started over a month ago, Wade feels a connection. And Erin feels nothing. Flat out admits there's no romantic connection between her and Wade. Uh oh. We're headed down the road of "let's-make-believe-Wade's-gone-when-he's-really-not". -So during dinner, Wade breaks out a line that only a meathead like Wade could break out. "I think the connection between us has been awkwardly comfortable." Huh? Awkwardly comfortable? Is that anything like "Jumbo Shrimp"? Where does he come up with this stuff? Quit speaking, Wade. Makes my skin crawl. I'm awkwardly uncomfortable with Wade still being a part of this damn show. Boy, Russ and Wade sure scored in Sedona, didn't they? Forget what I said earlier about my two tickets to Sedona. I ain't goin' anymore. It's ugly, and you don't score with the ladies there. Stalker Russ, in a last ditch effort to win Trista's heart, basically picks a fight with her over dinner, and Wade can't get any love after feeling his half naked date up. Sedona sucks. -Wade goes in for the kiss after dinner and gets a nice "you'll-make-a-great-friend-someday" kiss in return. "Our kiss, although soft and sweet, wasn't very romantic. I think it was Erin bailing out of an uncomfortable situation." Yes Wade, you hit the nail on the head. Not only did she bail out, she pulled that parachute cord the minute she jumped out of the plane. So wait a minute. They've shown two overnight dates, and in neither one did we find out if the couple slept in the same bed? C'mon. At least give us that. Give us a hint. Give us a clue. ABC practically showed the mouth love going on with Trista and Charlie. Disappointing. -Commercial. This new show "Las Vegas" better be good. They only advertise it every 40 seconds on NBC. Apparently if you log on to NBC's website, click on this new show, and give your best Vegas story, you can win a trip there. My best Vegas story? Uhhhhh, I have about 732 of them. Where do I start? And how graphic can I get with these? I mean, if they want me to keep it PG-13, I have one story. The rest, well, I think you get the picture. No good story that comes out of Vegas doesn't involved one of the following things for guys: 1) Strip Clubs 2) Getting piss drunk 3) Going to strip clubs piss drunk 4) Losing 3/4 of your money gambling, getting more free drinks, and blowing the remaining 1/4 of your money at the strip club. -We come back and it's time for Rob and Erin's boring date. They went on a retreat somewhere in the woods. Get some time away, relax, become one with nature, yeah yeah yeah....where's the hot tub? Noel and Wade got the proverbial bikini shots, where's the love for Rob? See, already setting him up to get shut down. And what kind of retreat is this? Is this like band camp? Are they going to have bunk beds? Will both of them get bitten by mosquitos all night long? Will they have a camp counselor there? Will Erin stick a flute......ok, I'll stop. This column has officially become NC-17. I don't know what it is tonight. Must be the air or something. -LADIES AND GENTLEMAN!!!! LADIES AND GENTLEMAN!!! IT'S NOW 9:26 PM PACIFIC STANDARD TIME, AND ROB CAMPOS HAS SMILED. The android has actually shown some sort of emotion other than the blank stare you get from most vegetables. Rob's sharing his story about the other guys back at the house asking him about Erin. He's so witty that Rob. Wade actually had this to say about our beloved friend: "Rob's all right by me. He's a funny guy." What? Since when? Rob hasn't come close to funny since he arrived 3 months ago. Kind of like "awkwardly comfortable", so is "Funny Rob". -Rob and Erin enjoy a nice candlelight dinner, and I felt like we were watching a repeat of last week. Rob's laying it on thick....again. Rob: "I took a major risk by coming back.....I've got something to lose.....I want to be with you.....It's like, what do I have to do to make you figure that out?" Erin: "Why has he thrown himself into this position again. It's unbelievable." Boy Robbie is just relentless. Look, we get it already. You're into this chick. A lot. A whole hell of a lot. More so than any man who's been dumped once for a million bucks should be. Telling her a 1,000 more times, just a guess here, isn't going to change many things. Either she likes you, or she doesn't. And the more you keep telling her how much you want her, the more she's turned off. I love how now I'm giving you Erin's thought process like I'm freakin' scanning her brain. -Back from commercial, and Rob is on his third layer of thickness. Erin: "How do you know what you want?" Rob: "I just do....I just want to give myself another chance." Erin: "I really, really, really am glad you came back. I wasn't at first, but now I am. (Rob grabs her hand. She squeezes it tightly....according to him. She could've just wanted squeeze all the life out of him so he'd quit bugging her. We'll never know). -The next morning (once again, no idea as to who slept where), Erin and Rob are on the flight home. More great conversation. Rob: "I know who you're gonna pick." Erin: "You do? Any final words of advice for me?" Rob: "Keep Rob." Erin: "Maybe I will." -Erin: "He's much deeper than I ever thought he was. There's definitely a level of attraction that wasn't there before." Ok, let's see. She's had nothing but nice things to say about Rob tonight, and she feels no romantic connection with Wade. It's a no brainer. Rob's gonzo. NBC may think they can fool us, but we know better by now, don't we class? -Rob gets back to the house and the jealous boys are ignoring him. They're playing chess and Wade's rockin' out to Tim McGraw on his headphones. Or Clint Black. Or Garth Brooks. Whatever neck he likes listening to. Funny part is, he's trying to show the world he has rhythm. Uh Wade, we saw your act at the Hollywood Bowl and at the Derby, or wherever you guys went. "Dancing Wade" we can put right alongside "funny Rob", "awkwardly comfortable", and "jumbo shrimp". Wade is still trying to figure out the steps to the "Roger Rabbit". There wasn't a better song to do the "Roger Rabbit" to than "Every Little Step" by Bobby Brown. Nice to see Bobby's back in jail for violating his probation. Whitney sure as hell picked a winner. A drug addict, a career in the toilet, and in denial that there's anything wrong. And then there's Bobby's problems..... -Final synopsis of what the guys are thinking heading into the elimination ceremony Rob: Thinks he's advancing Wade: Nervous about advancing since he knows his romantic connection with Erin still hasn't gotten past first base. Noel: "I don't know...I don't know what her intentions are....I don't know....Is she in it for love, or is she in it for money?....I don't know anymore....I really don't....." Shut the f*** up you whiner. -It's 9:45 and we have our first appearance from Jordan as he sits down with Erin before her fireside chats with the idiots. He's wearing a suit, and he's got a little surprise. No, he didn't come out of the closet. That's on "For Love or Money 3". Erin has an extra chair right next to her. Someone is going to help her make her decision tonight. Commercial break. Last week I guessed Paige or Kelly. When they went to commercial, I changed my mind. I guessed her sister was coming back. Wrong, wrong, and wrong. It was her best friend, Kristi. Or Christy. Or Christie. Or Kristie. Or Christi. Or Kristee. I don't know. They didn't tell us. First girlfriend I ever had spelled it "Christie". So we'll go with that. If it's wrong, shoot me. -I should get the spelling of her name right because, outside of Andy's brother that made him cry on the "Bachelor", this chick came prepared. She came out all guns blazin' with opinions.... On Rob: "He seems good. Maybe you oughta give him another chance." On Noel: "He could be just like every other San Francisco guy." You mean he's gay? On Wade: "Would you be willing to move to San Francisco?" Wade: "Oh yeah. Love conquers all." What p***ified answer. Of course he's gonna say that. -Erin said something of note during all of this about Wade. "When another person's in the room, he seems more comfortable. But when we're alone, he's much more reserved and nervous." I couldn't agree more. Definitely Wade is a nervous wreck one on one with someone of the opposite sex. Which obviously goes to show dude is down for a threesome. At least that's what I made of it. -Elimination Ceremony time..... Noel: "Muy guapo." They go to Mexico for 24 hours and now they're bilingual? Excuse me while I hurl. Anyway, Noel stays. Rob: Here come the compliments. "I'm so flattered you came back into my life......I didn't realize truly how you felt until last night....It shows your selfless nature....You have a good heart.....But I dumped you once and what possibly made you think my feelings would change.....No romantic connection Knob.....See ya." Rob's gone. But not before he gives Erin a parting shot. "If you can't open up, you'll never get what you want." Good riddance buddy. I saw what they wrote about you at the end of the show (more on that in a second). How does it feel to be completely embarrassed on national television by the same girl twice? How does that taste? Wade: I didn't pay attention to what she said to Wade. Too busy cursing Rob off the screen. -So next week is the finale. Looks like the first hour will be the reunion show with all eliminated contestants, male and female, from both shows. And the second hour will be the series finale. Awesome. Goddam I wish I could've gotten tickets to that reunion show. You know how for the "Bachelor/Bachelorette" they had those ridiculous planted questions from the audience. F*** that. I would've walked up there with a clipboard and a notepad and just running through questions like someone was on trial. "Hey Jailbait, exactly how many DUI's are you going to get before realizing it's not smart to get behind the wheel of a car when you're .23?" "Hey Jailbait, exactly how in the world did you have any feelings for the Knob?" "Hey Jailbait, are you currently still wearing your chastity belt....errrr.....ring?" "Hey Jailbait, you wanna go out sometime?" -During the final credits when they run the fine print on how the 2 million bucks is dispersed over 40 years and all that junk, I noticed this sentence: ROB CAMPOS WAS PAID A CONSOLATION PRIZE. Ah hah. So they did bribe him to come back. I knew it. No guy in their right mind would risk getting embarrassed by the same woman twice if there wasn't some cake involved. Way to grease up the contestants, NBC. Definite reality we're dealing with here. Man I'm bitter. -Wade or Noel. Noel or Wade. I don't know. Noel makes all the sense in the world since she's never had anything bad to say about him, and they live in the same freakin' city. Why would we think Wade could win? She's got no romantic connection with him, he lives in Dallas, he's a complete redneck, Erin is 50 times more sophisticated than him...I could go on for days. But there's just one question to ask yourself, "Is Erin in this for love, or for money?" Wade is her key to 2 million bucks. And she can dump him four seconds after he picks her. She got her money, what does she care if she ever sees him again? I think. Someone check the rule book. Probably in with all the other fine print bull****. Should be a very interesting two hours next week. I'll go with Wade for the sole reason that it makes the least amount of sense. I've stopped trying to figure out these shows a long time ago. back to FOR LOVE OR MONEY 1 index page |
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