7.14.03 7.21.03 7.28.03 8.4.03 8.11.03 8.18.03 8.25.03 9.1.03 9.8.03	FOR LOVE OR MONEY 2 8.4.03 We're getting down to the nitty gritty. Five guys vying for Erin's heart. Yet NBC still wants to give us a refrehser course on the last 10 weeks at the beginning of every episode. However, one thing I did notice was that in the previews for upcoming episodes, it shows Erin making out with certain guys. Well, up until tonight, she hadn't kissed anybody, so I guess if you were paying attention since the beginning of this show, you'd know who lasted. Then again, I just have way too much time on my hands to go Zapruder film on "For Love or Money 2". You should see me hear me, "Oooohhhhh....who's that she's making out with?" "Is that the back of Erica's head? No wait! That's Chad's dome!" "Is that Greg the Bore on the blanket, or Wade the neck?" Thank God this show is almost over. It's almost embarrassing how much I've fallen for this show. -Jordan starts out the show with another horrible shirt. This one isn't nearly as tight, ugly, or zippered as past pieces of cloth, but still repulsive nonetheless. It resembles a shirt guys used to wear in their 6th grade picture. Plaid. Looks like something you'd spread across your dinner table. And once again, just a few sizes too small. Why is Jordan dressing like this? Did he lose a bet? Think of all past game show hosts and what they wore on the show. And basically that's what Jordan is. A glorified game show host in horrible gear. Chuck Woolery, Wink Martindale, Richard Dawson, Alex Trebek, and that other dude from "Family Feud" that hung himself in his hotel room. Tough break. Rough life hosting "The Feud" I guess. Anyway, all these guys were snazzy dressers. Then we get plain Jordan. Quite boring, sexuality in question, and a horrible dresser. I don't get it. -As for "The Feud", wasn't it great how the longer the show went on, the less sexual it became. I mean, Richard Dawson used to practically bend his female contestants over the table when he introduced himself. Geez, Rich. Back away. And quit trying to grope the contestants. Then Ray Combs came on and, before offing himself, went a little more casual. Shake their hand, maybe peck on the cheek, possible holding of hands during the answer. Then fat Louie Anderson becomes the host and no one wants to touch him. Best thing about Louie Anderson was he was so strong in his masculinity. I mean, while watching him, it never crossed your mind once that he had a liking for big, burly men. Then they brought in the guy from "Home Improvement" for God knows what reason. All in all, quite a comical show to watch, that lost interest with me when they started taking out the sexual aspect of it. -Ok, show begins and we're treated to another "physical challenge" to win Erin's desire. Two double dates will happen, with one guy left out in the cold. The guys must hang from a pole above water, and whoever drops last gets to choose the guy who doesn't get to go on a date. This show is seriously becoming a mix between "Fear Factor" and "Double Dare" from Nickelodeon. "Fear Factor" comes from the NBC element, and the show's innovator, J.D. Roth, is that red headed guy who hosted "Double Dare". Remember, the "physical challenges" where kids had to jump into a 10 foot peanut butter and jelly sandwich to find a flag? Or go swimming in a bowl of chocolate pudding? Very cool show. J.D. Roth also hosted "Sex Wars" for a while with some hottie. Whatever happened to her? Forgot her name. She was also the chick on "Strip Poker" on the USA network. Is there a teenie bopper game show that I haven't seen or memorized? Didn't think so. -Anyway, to make things more interesting, they bring Olive Oil in to watch. I'm sure the guys were thrilled by this. Nothing like hanging from a pole with just your swim trunks on and trying to hold back pitching a tent. Great editing job to not show us that. First one to drop is Greg the Bore, then Vic, then Erica. That leaves us with Chad and Wade the neck. Since Wade's already had a solo date, you knew if he dropped, Chad would leave him aside. Which is exactly what happened. Chad and Vic's date is up first. -I don't have a nickname for Vic. And frankly, I don't think I need one. He's really been such a nothing so far, he hasn't warranted one. However, I have come up with one for Chad. As Chad gets some alone time with Erin on his date, I sat there screaming at myself to picture who he reminded me of. Then it finally hit me. I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner. Chad is Noel from "Felicity" (Christ, there I go again admitting my knowledge of a show aimed at 15-19 year old girls). For those who never watched "Felicity", Noel is also the former Mrs. Jennifer Garner. I'm sure he's thrilled about that. Talk about two careers going in opposite directions. Yikes. Please keep all sharp objects at least 50 feet away from Scott Foley at all times, please. We're very concerned. -Erin gets deep with Noel. "Why did you come here?" Noel: "Uhhh....err.....true love.....all things happen for a reason.....worth a shot....." Something like that. I don't really remember his lame answer. However, I did remember what happened next, which was his tongue inserted into Erin's mouth. BINGO!!! We have our first kiss ladies and gentlemen! Only four episodes in and finally someone has reached first base. Congratulations Noel! And who's left watching in the background? Vic the Voyeur. He's getting off on this. I think. Actually he's pretty pissed he saw this. "There's no way I'm gonna win now." Foreshadowing, anyone? -Commercial. Amanda Bynes "What a Girl Wants" movie is now on DVD. Is Amanda Bynes just Hillary Duff with brown hair? Is Hillary Duff just Amanda Bynes with blonde hair? What was the real reason Hillary Duff didn't renew her "Lizzie Miguire" contract? Will Hillary's singing career take off? How will her and Aaron Carter's breakup affect her acting career? Who will Amanda ask to her junior prom? Am I really a 28-year old heterosexual male asking these questions? Therapy is not far away. -Vic the Voyeur is just so put off by walking in on Noel and Erin's smoochfest he says, "There's no way I would try to kiss Erin now." Why? So you're Noel's sloppy seconds. Big deal. Better than nothing. By not kissing her, wouldn't that make Noel the automatic winner of that date? At least if you do, she can compare who was better. By not trying, you've already lost, you dolt. Suck it up and go give her mouth-to-mouth. -Erin: "Vic is so cute. He's like a little kid." Translation: Goodbye Vic. She might as well have just said, "He's such a good friend" (Actually, later in the show, she said Vic reminds her of her guy friends back at home. So Vic basically bad no chance to win this thing. But he still could've tried to kiss her). -The money thing is really bothering the Voyeur. "Not telling Erin about the money is like not telling your best friend his girlfriend is cheating on him." Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up there, big guy. Say what? Uh, not quite. You're contractually obligated to keep your mouth shut to Erin about the million bucks. That's the whole point of the show. So it's not like you could even tell her if you want to. Vic's as dumb as he looks. He really seems to think that if he somehow let it slip about the million bucks, the producers wouldn't give a crap. Vic seems normal, hasn't completely embarrassed himself, definitely has no connection with Erin...I take that back. Vic's an idiot. -When they get back to the house, Vic is telling the other guys that Noel has got it made. "I definitely see a connection with Erin and Chad. It's pretty strong." Not once, but like, ten more times he tells the guys how much of a connection Erin and Chad have. Um, could they have made this any more obvious who was going to take the money at the end? And what's Vic's erotic obsession with Erin and Chad? Is he turned on by this? He must be since he won't shutup about it. Noel gave her one kiss and the Voyeur is acting like they just conceived a child. Easy there sport. Go throw your hat on backwards again and act even more like you don't want to be on this show. -Erica hears all about Noel and Erin reaching first base and he immediately puts his game face on. "I need to derail the Chad train." Hey Erica, I know you weren't there, and you only have that pud Vic's words to go by, but that Chad train you're referring to, well, the conducter isn't even on board yet, the wheels haven't started turning, there aren't enough coals in the fire, and it's still at the same station it was four weeks ago. You just take care of the Erica train, make sure it functions properly, and maybe you can't try and stretch a single into a double. I figure if this show can use stupid analogies, I'll throw mine in at my own free will. -Erica is immediately taken with Erin's dress on their date. Yeah, so were we. Is Erica registered in California as a pervert, or just in his homestate? Not that he's not allowed to comment on how Erin looks, but geez, the horny toad is constantly telling us how excited he is. Keep it in your pants, smokey. You haven't even kissed her yet. So Erica, Erin, and Greg the Bore head out in a limo on their date and Erica's thrilled he gets to control the conversation. Of course he's controlling the conversation. #1, his testosterone level is bursting through his pants, and #2, Greg is a mute. Does this guy speak? Does this guy even like Erin? I mean Greg, c'mon buddy, this is a game here. You're fighting for Erin's heart. You might want to throw a couple sentences her way now and then. -These two opposites get to play polo with Erin, and dress in yuppie polo outfits. Fits Erica like a glove. Erin likes it, "You look hot. It's obvious I'm smitten with you." Uh oh. My roommate won't like that. She's said since the first episode that she finds nothing attractive about Erica at all. So he must be ugly because she thinks everyone is hot. And I mean EVERYONE. You should see some of the guys....forget it. She'll hate me if I continue. -Erica and Erin get some alone time on a picnic blanket and Erica starts babbling about himself. "I'm really a good guy....I'm not one to bad mouth others....I donate to children's charities all across the world.....I never appeared on an episode of "Meet My Folks" six months ago telling the 21 year old hottie the exact same things I'm telling you now..." Erica just doesn't stop talking. Whether it's about anything important or not, the guy doesn't shutup. Whatever works. He's now slobbering all over Erin. Apparently she's smitten again. What's the definition of smitten anyway? Oh wait, here it is. Smitten: "....to somehow be turned on by slimy, immature, self absorbed tards with dime sized mouths so much so that you begin to make out with them on picnic blankets." A lot of smitten-ing going on here. -Erica: "That first kiss was the best 1st kiss I've ever experienced." Huh? Dude, you were smashing her nose back into her face. Anyone ever tell you to tilt your head when kissing someone? Once again, the smitten one was completely unfazed by this, "I think at this point, Eric would choose the money. But since he's the guy I'm most attracted and intrigued by, picking him might be a chance I'm willing to take." Completely lost me there. Attracted and intrigued by him, she thinks if she picks him, he'll take the money, yet she might still pick him? I just can't wait until Knob arrives next week so I can stop trying to figure this show out. -Commercial. We get to see a Justin and Christina video promoting their "Justified and Stripped" Tour. In addition, we get to hear an excerpt from Christina's "Fighter" song. And, most importantly, we get a a chance to see portly Christina and all the extra lbs. she's added in the last 6 months. God. She really let herself go. Granted, she's probably still only about a buck o-five, but when you once weighed 68 lbs, now you look like a pig. And how bout' Justin doing a whole summer tour with Britney's nemesis? I mean what a slap in the face that was. Yeah sure he and Christina aren't screwing like rabbits every night. Are you kidding me? He's all over that before and after every show, and if you don't believe me, you're oblivious. Cameron Diaz? Please. She's either clueless or doesn't care. -Erin is judging her date with Erica and Greg the Bore and has come up with this. "Eric is kind of different. I like that." Translation: Eric's a dork. "Greg's charisma doesn't attract me to him....I don't think Greg realizes I'm not attracted to him." Wow. Possibly the most blunt statement anyone's ever offered on a dating reality show. Pretty much, I DON'T LIKE THAT GUY. But she says she'll keep him around as a safety net since she knows he'd probably pick her over the money. Safety net? Is this "Survivor" now? Does she think she's Brian Heidik with this master game plan where she's the marionette and pulling all the strings of her puppets? -Back at the house, Erica let's his smitten-ness take over in front of the other guys. Guys: "So did you kiss her or not." Erica: "A guy doesn't kiss and tell." Since when? I thought the woman didn't kiss and tell? The guy is the one on the phone with his best buddies four seconds after you leave the apartment, right? Right? C'mon Erica. You got as far as an 8 year old "going around" with his first girlfriend. Why did we ask girls to "go around" anyway? "Kristen (first girl I ever asked), will you go around with me?" Go around where? I'm eight years old, I have no clue what getting aroused even feels like, I have no means of transportation, my only form of income is the $7.25 I made last weekend with my "Iced Tea and Lemonade" stand, and now I'm ready to settle down into a 48 hour relationship with someone who I've shown off in front of for the last week? The pressures us eight year olds once faced. Or was that just me? -Ahhhh, but Erica is a thinking man's player. He's ahead of the game. A visionary. "I want to have intimacy with Erin. But without letting anyone know. Don't want them to see me as a threat." Then shutup already. Quit stammering on about how it was the greatest date ever, and how you guys clicked. And having your poker face not turn red as a tomato when they asked you if you kissed her might help too. Complete baffoon. Yet this guy is the front runner right now. Erin is smitten. Erica is smitten. Pretty soon they might smitten all over each other. -Jordan comes to tell the guys Erin will be coming over to choose one of them for a solo date. The guys think it'll be Vic the Voyeur or Noel. Why they thought Vic, I had no idea. Maybe one last date before she let the door hit him in the ass on the way out. Who knows? Of course, with the guys discussing who it would be between Vic and Noel, I immediately start thinking, "Ok. Will it be Wade, Greg, or Erica?" Too predictable. Just before Erin makes her choice, we break for commercial. -Madonna and Missy Elliott make a commercial set to Madonna's "Get into the Groove" song. Ok, here's the all-time, eternal, Madonna question that I like posing to whoever wants to pay attention to me: What is your favorite Madonna video look? I mean, there are tons to choose. Early fish-net-messy-hair-look? Or maybe the Marilyn Monroe stages? Short-hair-Papa-Don't-Preach style? Psycho-lesbian-slut-ho-Justify-My-Love look? You could go on forever. This chick changed her style more than Kobe's changed his story. OUCH. Oooohhhh. Low blow. Had to hurt. Anyway, without a doubt, the sexiest, most arousing and erotic look I believe Madonna ever had was her "Material Girl" look. Sorry. Hands down winner. I just used to get so pissed watching that video and seeing her make out with that ugly, older guy at the end all because he bought her shit. Too bad the video was 100% factual. -Come back from commercial and Erin has chosen Erica for her solo date. She says she was going to pick someone that she wanted to see again, not necessarily someone that she hasn't had much alone time with. And oh yeah, this was her exact quote. "Every time I see Eric, I'm a little more smitten with him." I'm beginning to hate that word. Smitten. Sounds too much like "kitten" and I'm not a big cat fan. In fact, I think cats are stupid. They're all the same. At least you can buy little dogs, big dogs, medium sized dogs, dogs that bark, dogs that don't bark, dogs that play frisbee every waking moment of the day, dogs that are blind and run into walls, etc....Every cat does the same exact thing: Crap and run out of the room at warp speed for no apparent reason. Cats are more decoration than they are pet. Dogs are your buddies. Cats are just there. Yeah, some will lay next to you and purr and make you feel all warm inside. Then what? They get up, sprint to the other room leaving a giant scratch across your arm, and they crap like a mountain lion even though they only weigh 8 lbs. Cats suck. -Erica's solo date with Erin was indescribable. Over dinner, this cheesedick literally rolled off every single line in the book to her. I developed writers cramp trying to jot all these down, and all I could make of my notes was, "TELL THIS GUY TO SHUT THE F*** UP ALREADY!" I thought too many compliments would become insincere at this point, but Erin ate it up like it was her last meal. She loved it. Erica's charm is sweeping Erin off her feet and making me nauseous. Calgon, take me away. -Time to go into the hot tub to see if he can get past first base. Erica goes upstairs to change and rub it in the guy's faces he gets hot tub time with the Oil. He might as well have just stuck his tongue out at them and said "Nanny, nanny, billy goat" while he was at it. This punk ass is getting annoying. The guys are playing dominoes and completely ignorning Erica's teenage love stories. "Go away loser" I think was uttered by someone. Erica is becoming very well liked by others. -Erica's hormones are once again out of control as he slobbers all over himself describing Erin in a bikini. "She had 98% of her skin showing." Great. Now Erin's become a pie chart to Eric. A real piece of work this guy's become. But hey, he's winning and we're not. Time for some steamy make out time. Erin: "He'll probably pick me over a million dollars." Whoa. Quite a 180 from earlier when she was convinced he'd take the money. Olive Oil has definitely become smitten with Erica's tongue. Someone needs to put an end to this smitten-ness and fast. -Time for tonight's show twist. Although it was already spoiled by the previous week's previews, and this week's actions of one Vic the Voyeur, it was still a good twist nonetheless. Jordan has each of them blindfold themselves, take their ring off, and hold it over a pillow. If they want out, they must drop their ring on the pillow. He offers $10 grand for anyone to leave the game right now and never see Erin again. Someone drops their ring, but they don't show us. Oooohhhh. The suspense. Jordan says they were willing to go as high as $25 grand. Wow. Would that be spread out over 40 years as well? Just think, someone missed out on the chance to get themselves an extra $52 bucks a month. Or $625 a year. They must be livid with themselves. And that's before taxes. Ok. Be honest. How many of you just went to your calculator to check my math? -Jordan tells Erin about the offer that just took place and informs her that some money grubber has accepted some cash and no longer wants to try and get some action from her. This is upsetting to Erin. She looks like she's going to puke. Please don't. We don't want you to ruin the hot, black, leather mini skirt you have on. Puke on Erica. Just not here. -Erin will not be eliminating anyone tonight as this pud's acceptance of the money is the lone elimination of the evening. He will have to come face to face with her to tell him his decision. The guys begin to come down and speak with her..... Wade the Neck- "There's no sum of money that can buy me....." Right line to say, but so perfectly hokey makes me think it's not sincere. Greg- He mumbled a couple sentences and said he didn't take the money. You should've. Erica- "What does it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul." Huh? Quit becoming Poem Guy and shutup. And I just realized something. If Erica was ever on life support, he wouldn't be able to survive because there's no way in hell they could ever fit one of those tubes in his guppie sized mouth. Does he only drink liquids? Vic- If the previous 55 minutes didn't give away that it was he who took the money, maybe the fact that after he hugged her he stood 50 feet away from her did. I thought he was going to need a megaphone to tell her he was leaving. Erin has some news for the Voyeur. "You were not going to be eliminated tonight." It was at this point, I heard a loud "DAMMMMMMMITTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!" come from Greg at the top of the steps. -Vic: "If I had to do it over, I'd do the same thing. I have no regrets." Vic's pretty happy with himself he made the right decision. Considering the guy wouldn't have won anyway, I guess you can't blame him. Enjoy the $10 grand Vickster. Or $20.83 a month for the next 40 years. Or $250 bonus at the end of the year until you're 65. -Noel: "I believe in fate.....If offered a larger sum of money, I still wouldn't take it." Way to steal Wade's line there, pal. How original. -Vic is still beaming about his decision as he throws his million dollar check into the fire. And you know what I noticed? Maybe this is the first time I really paid attention, but it seems to me that Vic was the first person on either show, to actually crumple up his check, then throw it in the fire. As opposed to just dropping it in. Does that really have any sort of significance towards anything they've shown us in the last 10 weeks? Didn't think so. Which is exactly why I probably noticed it. -Next week, the return of Knob. And apparently this isn't a one show appearance. I guess Knob's moving into the house. This show certainly has a lot of explaining to do. I think I'm looking forward to next week's episode more so than any other reality dating show episode ever. Moreso than the "Joe Millionaire" finale, or any "Bachelor/ette" finale, or even Knob's final decision episode. There are tons of different ways that they can go with this. What will Knob tell the remaining guys? How do they explain who Knob is? Does Erin have to play along? Is her secret from the first show revealed? How do they not keep that a secret? Do they just say Knob is an ex-boyfriend trying to win her back? Will these guys think Knob is as big a Knob as we all thought he was? Will Erin throw up at the site of Knob again (We already know she curses when she sees him)? Will Jordan end up proposing to Knob? Granted, the "Dawson's Creek" series finale had me losing sleep in the nights leading up to it, but this one will be a close second. back to FOR LOVE OR MONEY 1 index page
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