7.14.03 7.21.03 7.28.03 8.4.03 8.11.03 8.18.03 8.25.03 9.1.03 9.8.03	FOR LOVE OR MONEY 2 9.1.03 What an idiot I am. All last week, and up until about 7:00pm last night, I thought “For Love or Money 2” was going to be the finale. I thought they were showing the reunion show for the first hour, then the finale in the 2nd hour. Boy was I pissed when I found this out last night. I had a whole dinner planned for myself, and I was ready to be entertained for two hours straight. Instead, I had a 6” tuna on wheat from Subway, and watched Paige give panty shots all night long. So, I guess it’s safe to say, I was partially entertained. The reunion shows are usually filled with goofy, stupid stuff, planted questions from the audience, canned laughter from the sound people, and horrible editing. Last night’s reunion episode surely didn’t break from that norm. -Before I get started, I must mention that I saw the single worst movie ever made over the weekend. People throw that phrase around a lot, “That was the worst movie I’ve ever seen.” And some people will leave early if it’s that bad. Can’t do that. A movie cannot be considered the worst you’ve ever seen if you walked out on it. You have to see the whole thing. So I sat through every single minute of this abortion called “My Boss’ Daughter”, and I can honestly say it was the worst movie ever made. For someone as “in” right now as Ashton Kutcher is, I can’t believe he agreed to that movie. He might be everyone’s heartthrob, but that guy can’t put out a good movie if his life depended on it. “Dude, Where’s my Car?”, “Just Married”, and now this? The minute Demi dumps him, this guys popularity disappears quicker than Tara Reid’s. Who by the way, actually looks pretty good. Still a whore, but she looks good. -So onto the reunion show where we’re greeted with a new host. Karyn Bryant. Who? I hate how shows do this. “Joe Millionaire” brought in a different host when Joe and Bore-a reunited, “Who Wants to Marry my Dad?” did last night as well when the incomparable A.C. Slater hosted, and now Karyn Bryant. Karyn immediately referred to “For Love or Money” as a “cultural phenomenon”. Wow. Yeah, I’m guessing kids in India are on pins in needles waiting for Erin’s decision next week like the rest of us. Cultural phenomenon? Easy, Ms. Overexaggerating Cue Card reader. Could she have been any more robotic in her questioning? How do we know she even watched the show? And what are her credentials? I’ve never seen this woman ever, and now she gets to jump on the “For Love or Money” bandwagon? I should’ve been hosting that thing. -So they pan around the room to all the former contestants, and we get a quick peek to see how they changed their look. Erica- Cut his hair. You can almost say he looks like a 12 year old boy now. But for the sake of this column, he’s still a little b****. Erica it is. Vic- Seemed to get the loudest applause of any of the guys. Why? Because he sold his soul? Because he’s 10 grand richer? Didn’t understand that one. Paige- Her skirt couldn’t possibly have been any shorter. I wish I would’ve been in the audience. That had to have been quite a show for anyone sitting with 20 to 30 feet of her. I wonder if she was bombed out too? Did someone drive her home? Munch- Well, his name’s still Munch and he let his hair grow out even more. Man, him and Erin looked like they’d make such a good couple. I wonder where things went south? Knob- He cut his hair too. So, on the first show, he had the greasy long hair. When he came back for Erin, he kept the grease, and let it grow a bit. Now he took out the grease, and it’s shorter. Much shorter. Maybe he thought if he cut his hair for the reunion show, Erin would finally develop feelings for him. Can’t wait to see what his next move is. -Half the girls there I don’t even remember being on the show. I do remember that chick Alima. I wonder if she’s still a virgin? How come this wasn’t asked? See, I would’ve made a great host. “Bed head” Lauren looks good, and “Popeye” Laura looks as fit as ever. I was just hoping we’d see one of these chicks just let themselves go and put on 30 lbs since the show ended. Nope. They all looked fit and fiddle. And they all had nothing to say as usual. As for the guys, I didn’t remember some that were eliminated first, and the show wanted to keep it that way since they never allowed anyone to speak unless spoken to. I’m sure guys and girls dumped in Week 1 were pretty fired up to come back to a reunion show that they never got to speak at. Whatever. They get more face time on T.V. to add to their resume tape, and they get a paid vacation. What do they care? -Someone from the audience gets to ask the first question to Jailbait. This audience member has to go up on like this big stage about 1,000 yards away from the contestants to ask their question. And from everything I’ve heard, these were all planted and given to them by producers. What’s the point? Have people on the show that are going to ask what everyone wants to know, not what you want us to know. So this lemming asks Jailbait if she thinks her age and maturity level had anything to do with not getting picked. To which Jailbait responded, “I didn’t realize I looked that young.” Yes, you are honey. You’re 21, you’ve had three D.U.I.’s, and you wear a chastity ring. By the way Paige, I went on your website the other day. What a shocker to find out that Paige wants to be an actress and has starred in numerous commercials already. I also went on Kelly the Beyotch’s website. Outstanding photo gallery. None of her in her hooker boots though. That was disappointing. Her and Paige apparently have the same web designer. Basically the same site. -Before they head to commercial, we get to see our first “never before seen footage” from the show. It’s of Kelly and Jailbait wrestling each other. Now this is more like it. Granted, no clothes were flying off, and there wasn’t any rolling around on the floor, but I’m sure that’s on the unedited version of the DVD. And when does that come out by the way? I know Bruce Nash & Co. aren’t gonna shy away from making a couple extra bucks on the side. Let's see the all access cameras that were planted around the mansion. I’m guessing there were more catfights like that one. And if there weren’t, at least I could pretend like there was. They should be a couple if the whole guy thing doesn’t work out for them. -Commercial. Here it is again. “La Cenicienta”. The reality show about the Latina chick who chooses from 20 guys and then tells them at the end she’s got a daughter. Dammit, what does “Cenicienta” mean? Tramp? Skank? Single mother that’s out-of-her-mind horny and she needs someone to satisfy her immediately? So in this show, we get subtitles, Spanish speaking contestants, and this chick’s sister takes off her top in the hot tub to try and seduce one of the guys to sleep with her. Outstanding. Reality shows are everywhere. You cannot change your channel without running into one. For christ sakes, Telemundo is jumping into the reality world now. Tele-freakin-mundo. The only thing that station shows is bad Spanish soap operas, and wrestling with guys in masks performing in front of crowds of 50 people. Does this really belong on that channel? Aren’t they breaking some FCC code by cutting back wrestling time? Why do Spanish people talk so fast? Or are us who speak English talking really slow? Even though I don’t know what these people are saying, it just seems like they’re going 100 mph. Freaks me out. -Back from commercial, and the host introduces us to “the one all of America fell in love with, Paige Jones.” Damn. And I thought it was just me. Apparently all guys want her now. And if they didn’t before, after last night’s free show, I’m guessing they do now. She literally might as well worn nothing outside of her top, because that’s basically what was going on. She was asked if Rob chose her, would she have taken the money, and she said, “yes”. To which the sound producers pumped in voices going, “Oooooooohhhhhhh”. Very high quality production going on last night. I was just waiting for this to turn into a Bruce Lee flick where the voice sound didn’t match up with the person’s lips moving. -Jailbait has no regrets and says she has spoken with Rob several times since the show has ended. Translation: I’m currently giving up the ass to Rob right now. I mean c’mon. This guy knows this little teenie bopper loves him, he’s already been dumped by Erin twice, of course he’s running back to Paige. Like none of you would’ve done it. You got your ex who still wants you, so you satisfy him/her with that once-a-week booty call just so they don’t completely forget about you. So it’s just casual sex until someone starts seeing someone else. Then a decision needs to be made: Do we get louder or quieter in bed with each other now that one of us is seeing someone else? Ex sex never stops. It’ll always be there no matter how hard you try to ignore it. It’s just guys treat it different. It’s great when it’s happening, but when it gets taken away, we get pissed. Women don’t care. They’ll move on like it’s nothing. Damn you women. -At this point, Knob makes his first appearance with his new hair-do. He sits down between Jailbait and Erin. When he walks up, Jailbait stands up to give him a hug (panty shot #1), and Erin doesn’t even get up to hug him. Wow. She must really not like this guy. It was funny seeing Jailbait practically jump into his arms and straddle him while Erin just sat there and made him hug her. Who knows? She had Wade her mind the whole time anyway. Or was it Noel? Or was it on Erica in his new little girlie haircut? We don’t know where Erin’s mind is. She can play the standoff-ish girl real well, when maybe she’s just really a go-getter. Outside of her just making out with all the different guys, she hasn’t been the most flirtatious, openly sexual, come-here-I-want-to-rip-your-clothes-off female we’ve ever seen. Basically, she’s not Trista. -So they start recapping Knob and Paige’s time together. I felt like this was something that should’ve been reserved for their wedding, not this show. We got to revisit all the making out, and the making out, and the making out, and then they finished with them making out. Somewhere in the middle they threw in where she told him that she was falling in love with him, and he told her, well, nothing. -Host asks Knob and Jailbait if there are still any sparks between them. Translation: Are you willing to admit tonight that you two are having sex? The host calls Jailbait out for blushing to which she says it’s only because it’s hot in therrrrrre. Then take off all your clothes. Hell, you’re half way there already sweetie. So basically neither answered the question. Meaning “yes, the sparks are flying, and I’m sure they’ll be flying later on tonight.” -Great. More questions from the fans. “Rob, are you having trouble getting back into dating?” Rob tells us that yes, it’s been tough dating, and he’s even gotten stood up four times in one week. No way. I can’t imagine something like that. Rob? Stood up? You don’t say? I mean, he gave off such an impression on the show, who would blow him off 4 times in one week? There are women out there that do that sort of thing? I can’t imagine. Does Knob take pleasure in getting punched in the face on national television? Why does he tells us things like this? So we can feel sorry for him? Makes me laugh my ass off even harder. -Now they’re taking a look at the “controversial” night in the hot tub where Knob tried to feel all of them up underwater. That was a hell of a night. Let’s go touch her. Now, let’s go touch her. Come here, Paige. Gimmie a kiss you naughty little girl. Basically, Rob is following the “Andrew Firestone Handbook on Being a Complete Pervert in the Hot Tub”. The women weren’t impressed. Neither was anyone else in America, ladies. Even one of the early eliminated women says, “I came here looking for love, and I got Rob.” Ouch. Well, not really. Rob doesn’t mind getting kicked in the face by women. In fact, he’s probably turned on by it, and will ask that chick out by show’s end. She’ll say “no”, then he’ll come back two weeks later with a different hairstyle and ask again. She’ll say “no” again. Repeat this step seven more times. -Before commercial, we get more “never-before-seen” footage of Rob in the pool with one of the girls and he challenged her to a race. I think it was Christy. Or Christina. Or Laura. Or Lauren. They showed the race. Rob swam, the other girl got out of the pool and ran to the other side, ended up beating Rob, and he never found out until he saw it the night of the show. He was duped into thinking a girl had beaten him in swimming. Why didn’t he just call “fish out of water”? “Marco Polo” might be the stupidest game you could possibly play in the pool. What’s the point? And who determined the game was going to be called “Marco Polo” anyway? Did he used to play that back in the day with his friends? You know why that game was stupid? Because everyone who was “Marco”, always cheated. Always. I did. I mean, are you honestly supposed to know where someone is in a pool by following their voice, especially when your eyes are supposed to closed? C’mon. You all cheated and you know it. I hated that game with a passion. Now, jumping off the diving board and having to answer a trivia question before hitting the water. That was the pool game to play. -Back from commercial, they ask some of the other guys what they thought about their experience. Dan answers. Question. Who the hell is Dan? I don’t even remember this little redneck. Oh wait a minute. Yeah, I do. He was that little redneck. He gives the cliched answer of, “I had a great time on the show. Erin’s a great girl.” Whatever. Go home and rope some more cattle. -I just saw the worst commercial ever. There’s something for females called the “Femring”. I really, really, really tried to listen to the commercial to understand what the hell this thing is, and frankly I’m still clueless. These are the only words I remember hearing. In no particular order: Scarring, uterus, bleeding, and menopause. And consult your doctor. This commercial was very similar to the “Happy Fun Ball” commercial from the old “Saturday Night Live” skit. You know, the one where it shows how fun the ball is, then the voice over starts explaining all the side effects of the ball. Based on this commercial, apparently any female that uses the “Femring” is a mutant. It’s got like 83 side effects. Thank God I’m not female. -They recap Vic eliminating himself. Boring. Then they recap Erica’s time with Erin, which was great to watch again. It was so great to see again all the cheesy lines that Erica fed Erin. I couldn’t even write that fast to keep up with them. I truly did not capture the essence of Erica’s complete inner cheesedick until they recapped it for us. Thank you NBC. We owe you one. Anything to embarrass that little girl. -More “never-before-seen” footage captures Knob dancing by himself. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up here. Let’s have a dance off right now in the center of the studio. Rob vs. Wade. Hey, wasn’t that the abortion case from back in the day? Anyway, Adrian Zmed can host our dance off like he did after finishing “Grease 2”. Watching those two tards trying to cut a rug would be a sight to see. This thought just popped into my head: If I ever got to interview Michelle Pfeiffer in my lifetime, I think the first thing I would ask her to do, would be to sing a few bars to “Cool Rider” for me. Or that song she sang at the end to win queen of the talent contest. So, since Michael didn’t disappear on his bike until right before the talent show started, how did she write that song so quick? And should it have officially counted as part of the talent show since she just made it up on the spot? And in the emotional state of mind she was in, how could she have all the sudden just written a song? Can her title of “Queen” be revoked? Can we reward it to Paulette for being Ms. Spring? And how come we never saw him in that gold jump suit before she had that dream? “All I know is that I love you…..So Stephanie…..Please don’t leave me….Remember…..I love you…..I won’t be far away…..” I’m a sick, sick person. -Commercial. Jason Biggs and Chrisitina Ricci in an upcoming movie “Anything Else.” Jason Biggs seems like a nice guy, but whatever that guy does for the rest of his career, he will always be known as the guy who was screwing a pie. Christina Ricci you can tell has a little naughty side to her. Or at least that’s what I like to think. I’ve never seen a chick 5’2” with size D’s either. Unbelievable how she pulls that off. And does she ever wear makeup, or no? Christina Ricci looks the same now as she did five years ago. A very plain girl. A very plain girl with giant jugs too. -When they come back, they recap when Knob returned to the show and Erins’ subsequent reaction. Did she really say, “Oh my f***ing God!” when she first saw him? I think she did. What a little potty-mouth our little Erin has. Frankly, I’m appalled. I have no use for that sort of venom and hatred. Disgusting. She should be ashamed of herself. Her parents bring her up to be a classy, sophisticated women and now she’s dropping f-bombs on national television. Apologize young lady. -Once again, the out-of-touch host with a question we’ve heard a 1,000 times already. Host: “Rob, did you honestly think you could win Erin’s heart a 2nd time around?” Knob: “I wouldn’t have come back otherwise if I didn’t think I could.” Translation: I was bribed with a gift which I’m not allowed to reveal to come back on the show. C’mon Knob. I’ve read the fine print to the show. I know what you’re all about you little weasel. -Jailbait is talking about something, and Knob is absolutely raping her with his eyes. He’s looking her up and down like she’s a piece of meat hanging from a locker. But really, it’s almost impossible not to. And ladies, I’d take that as a compliment if I were you. Granted, you don’t want your guy staring you up and down the whole time you’re talking to him, but if you have on a low cut top, don’t ever get upset if you see us glancing. I mean let’s be honest, the reason any woman would wear a low cut top showing cleavage is to have people look at her. Why else would you? If you didn’t want to be gawked at, you’d wear a turtleneck. So when guy’s look and guy’s look again, and again, and again, take it as a compliment. -They go back to the audience for them to play matchmaker. One person suggests Kelly the Beyotch and Vic. Nah, don’t see it. Someone else suggests Jailbait and Erica. Didn’t I suggest that a couple columns ago? Of course they’d be perfect. He wants someone barely legal to go to Hawaii with, and she wants someone as naïve as her. The perfect couple. Then someone suggested Christy and Munch. Christy gets up out of her chair to go over and mount the Munch. Uh, no. I don’t see it. -Back from commercial for the final segment, and we get to see one last montage video of Wade and Noel. Awwwww….how cute. I finally get to count all the different color hats Noel wore on his dates with Erin. Why I didn’t catch or mention this earlier is beyond me. Did you realize on one date, Noel had on a nice sweater, nice long sleeved shirt to go underneath it, and a black hat pulled down right in front of his nose. You know what else I didn’t catch? On that phone date where she called Noel twice and Wade twice, she actually said Wade’s last name. If I’m not mistaken, Wade’s last name is Whistler. Or something that ends in “istler”. Wow. Now he’s a true neck. Wade Whistler. He looks like a Wade Whistler, doesn’t he? -They poll all the contestants to see who they think Erin will choose, and it’s basically split right down the middle between the two. Shocker. Until they get to Jailbait, she says, “I hope no matter what, you followed your heart.” Shutup. Here’s a scotch on the rocks. Everyone else picked who they thought, and you’re giving her the same line that Knob gave you about “following your heart”. So they introduce Wade and Noel to the surprise of Erin. These mutes don’t speak, they just kinda stand and wave at Erin and everyone else. Looks like Wade hasn’t missed any of his cycles the last few months. My God, this guy is turning into Lou Ferrigno before our very eyes. Don’t get Wade angry. He might rip out of his own clothes. -So next week is the finale, and it’s two hours. Geesh. Boy, they’re going to drag this thing on like the previous one. Remember last season, a _ hour into the show, the producers had everyone believing that Knob would pick Jailbait, and she’d take him over the money. Didn’t quite work out that way, did it? So just know that anything that happens in the first hour, the complete opposite will happen at the end. According to Karyn Bryant, apparently this season finale will send a rippling effect through this great nation of ours. I’m counting down the minutes…. back to FOR LOVE OR MONEY 1 index page
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