7.14.03 7.21.03 7.28.03 8.4.03 8.11.03 8.18.03 8.25.03 9.1.03 9.8.03 QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? EMAIL ME	FOR LOVE OR MONEY 2 9.8.03 The predictability meter was in full effect last night during our series finale. I mean c’mon already with the “let’s-make-it-seem-we’re-going-one-way-then-surprise-them-with-the-opposite” editing job. I will say this, it wasn’t nearly as predictable as “The Bachelor” or the first “For Love or Money”, but still, who didn’t see that coming last night? But finally some closure to a series that consumed the last four months of my life. Excuse me if I sound a little more bitter, or jaded, or angry this week. Definitely still recovering from my Vegas trip this weekend. When you’re in Vegas, you lose complete touch with everything else that’s going on in the world. Obviously, with no clocks in the casino’s, you never have any clue what time it is, or what you’re doing next. But you don’t do the normal things in Vegas you do at home. You don’t get up in the morning, get some coffee, read the paper, get dressed, and go out. Getting up consists of scraping yourself off someone’s floor, putting your clothes back on without waking any of the strippers up….err….being too loud, and it’s usually noon by the time you’re leaving. At least, that’s what I’ve heard. Not me. I’m in bed by 10 in Vegas, wake up at the crack of dawn, go for a jog, and let my day of sightseeing and travelling begin. Enough bull****. Let’s get started…. -Being the show was two hours, you knew everything was going to get extended. So the opening recap basically started with Adam and Eve standing in a forest butt naked with an apple in their hands. They went back to the first show, showed all the girls, showed some dates, blah blah blah, then they went to this season, explained who all these tards were, who was left, why Knob came back, and on and on and on. And during that entire 7 minutes, I had goose bumps the size of zits up and down my body. It was a rather exhilarating feeling I tell ya’. Great job NBC. Feel free to proceed with “For Love or Money 3” starring 15 sixth graders vying for Jailbait’s heart. They can each give her gifts they made in art class, their dates can be to the varsity basketball game, they can make out at the lunch tables etc…All sorts of goodies for the viewing audience. And the twist to the show would be they would throw one single, horny 28 year old guy from L.A. in there to backstab all the little mutants by sabotaging one of their kickball dates and win Paige’s heart by buying her a triple scoop ice cream cone at Baskin Robbins. I’m getting carried away. Pardon me. -Real quick thought: I know it’s a tragedy what happened this past weekend at Disneyland, but I gotta say, someone getting killed on a ride at Disneyland takes the cake. I’ve heard it all now. Disneyland? Someone died? What a P.R. nightmare for that company, huh? “Happiest Place on Earth”? Uhhhhhh….not anymore. And the most ironic thing is that on Thunder Mountain, when you get on the ride, they got that little ‘billie on a recorded soundtrack telling you to “hold on to them hats and glasses, cuz’ this here’s the wildest ride in the wilderness!” Can we get a voice over in here to lay that one down again? Apparently they need to hold on to a hell of a lot more then a stupid hat with mouse ears and your name inscribed on the back and some giant Elton John glasses. Their life would be my first guess. What a horrible, yet somewhat comical story. Trust me. You are not an evil person if at any point during this last paragraph you let out a chuckle. It’s true. Albeit horribly tragic that I wouldn’t wish upon anybody, someone getting killed on a Disneyland ride….I mean….I couldn’t make this stuff up. -So, it’s 9:07 and the recap finally ends. First scene: Noel in a red hat and Wade shirtless. Someone in America should have a .15 BAL right now. This is going to be a long two hours. Both of them are getting out of bed realizing tomorrow is the big day. Wade’s realizing he hasn’t done any bicep curls in the last 26 minutes, and Noel was awoken numerous times during the night wondering where his career went and if Jennifer was actually banging Michael Vartan before she dumped him. The answers to those questions: Nowhere fast, and you better believe it. I’ve never seen “Alias” although I thought Jennifer Garner was hot the moment I saw her as Jennifer Love Hewitt’s roommate in “The Time of Your Life.” You all remember that show, right? The one that lasted as long as an orgasm. Spinoffs of successful shows rarely work. I think “Frasier” is really the only one. And spinning off of something Scott Wolf starred in didn’t help matters. Nothing like a 29 year old playing a 15 year old with a drinking problem. Did Bailey ever age on “Party of Five”? You know he’s seeing that chick from “Real World: New Orleans” now don’t you? Unbelievable. I thought she was in love with that doctor. That chick had the least amount of time on any “Real World” ever because she was constantly staying at his place. I’ve officially entered the world of the completely insane. 1…2…3…4…5…I just recapped 5 shows in the last 11 sentences. -Boy, they are really killing time here. A lot of great shots of Wade tucking in his shirt, Noel putting his socks on, Wade trimming his sideburns, Noel buttoning his shirt. Just fabulous, fabulous television right now. Riveting stuff. Nothing like it anywhere. I just can’t wait until they show Wade putting one foot in front of the other out in the backyard. Or Noel putting gobs of goo in his hair then styling it so we see exactly how many pints Erica taught him how to use in order for your hair to shine like a newly waxed car. Only 110 more minutes of this. -Jordan makes his appearance, and for the finale, he’s dressed like a normal human being. Nine weeks in and wardrobe has finally gotten it right. Well, except maybe they could’ve stuck a rainbow pin somewhere on his jacket, but that’s not important right now. What is important, is that Jordan has a little twist for the boys. He presents them with million dollar checks, each with their name on them and tells them there’s a big decision to be made. If Erin chooses them, it’s either Erin or the money. Very anti-climatic. We know this, J-knob. So each guy looks long and hard at their respective checks: Wade W., and Chad V. Wade Whistler and Chad Vigiano (Don’t ask me how I know, I just do). The Whistler looks perplexed, while Noel has had enough with the twists in the game. I’m guessing the next 45 minutes will be spent discussing with the boys, “Do I risk a million dollars for Erin?” Man, I’m good. -Commercial. Dr. Phil and Katie Couric have some special about weight loss coming up soon. Question: Is there any question in the world Dr. Phil doesn’t think he has an answer to? This guy’s everywhere. Dr. Phil this, Dr. Phil that, another Dr. Phil book, etc….Enough Dr. Phil. Those giant bug eyes and the constant raising of the eyebrows scares the crap out of me. He’s weird looking. Where’s Dr. Ruth when you need her? What happened to her 15 minutes of fame? Yeah, she wasn’t too uncomfortable to listen to. Nothing like hearing about where your woman’s g-spot is from some 95 year old who hasn’t had sex in as many years as you’ve been alive. Can’t imagine why she didn’t last. -Back from commercial, and Jordan goes over the rules. If Erin chooses them, and they choose the money, they will never see or speak to her again. Sure. Just like Rob last season, right? Yes, I realize it wasn’t her choice to bring him back on the show, but that’s not the point. The issue was made that she could never, see, hear, or talk to Rob again, then within a couple weeks, they go on a couple more dates. Then two weeks ago, they sit right next to each other at the Reunion show. Rob was a pig in slop that night. Erin on his right, the woman he’ll stalk til’ the day he’s thrown in jail, and Jailbait to his left, the woman he’ll continue to have sex with until the day he’s thrown in jail. -Jordan leaves, and the guys sit and ponder the big shocker that was just dropped on them. This was a very intense moment. Both guys would look at each other, then look at the checks, then look at each other, then look back down at the checks. And as a viewer, I’m just sitting there dying to know what these guys were thinking about. It was pretty obvious. The Whistler was probably asking himself, “Are my ears actually bigger than Chad’s?” And Noel was thinking, “Being part of the Vigiano family, who can I, you know, “take out” if this b**** don’t choose me?” -These two were constantly gazing into one another’s eyes, I thought they were going to hold hands then lean in and start kissing each other. Scary. Nope. I was wrong. Time for them to go back up to the room and start playing the manly game of Backgammon. People still play that? What, was “Operation” not available? What about “Sorry” or “Life”? Couldn’t NBC scrounge up one ol’ box of “Candyland” for the boys. I think “Life” was my favorite board game ever. So realistic. Driving around in your car, popping out a few kids every couple blocks, then making decisions about stock options before going to the grocery store. I just cheated and always made sure I stacked my car with kids. Just so I could drive around town yelling at all my neighbors about how loud my kids were. Yes, it was a lonely childhood. -Noel’s paranoia is slowly but surely creeping in. “She’s gorgeous. She’s witty. She’s funny. She’s great to hang around. But is it real?” Here he goes again with this s***. Now maybe he didn’t spend nearly as much time on this topic as the editors wanted to make us think, but since Erin treated Mr. Whistle like he was a leper, they had to show that Noel was wavering on his decision. Whistle Boy on the other hand, was laying down the law heading into his final night with Erin. “She’s really gotta show me something on this next date.” Whoa boy. Isn’t that kinda taking it too far? What exactly is it you want to see? I mean she’s been in a bikini at least 3 times so far, so that covers that. What else would you like to take a look at? Oh, I get it. Gotcha. -Heading to commercial, even the announcer starts clowning Noel. “Chad’s date turns to full paranoia.” Hilarious. When the voice over guy starts seeing you’re a major wreck on your dates, something’s terribly wrong. He claimed the Meat Whistle had some shocking news for Erin on their date, which never panned out. Voice over guys get paid a ridiculous amount of money to say things already written out for them in their cheesy, game show announcer voice. I think I have a second calling. -The Whistling One says, “I’ve shown Erin everything.” Hey now. Everything? You mean, everything? Well, what was her reaction? Did she run and hide? Did she touch it? Or did you touch it first because you’re a narcisisstic pig who can’t get enough of feeling your own “muscles”? This better be on the uncut DVD version. Along with deleted scenes of Erica putting on his training bra in the morning, Greg sleeping throughout the whole show, Vic at the car dealership putting the down payment on his new Jag, and Jordan making out with….forget it. I think you get the picture. -So Erin’s coming over for a menage-a-tois…I mean….for a dinner with both guys, and this is their last chance to make an impression. Last chance for Wade to find out he has a better chance of scoring with a hermaphrodite, and for Noel to drive Erin through a wall with all his, “Is this real?” b.s. Noel’s being quiet over dinner, so the Whistler tells us, “Chad just isn’t as expressive as I am with my emotions.” Wade is at it again. There she goes with Wade again. Topless wouldn’t be bad please. Thank you very much. -Whistle boy tells Erin he was very letdown with his date in Arizona because he the flet their kiss, well, basically sucked. He went in for the kiss expecting a big, giant, wet, sloppy one and instead got a peck on the lips which had no meaning behind it. Kind of like the way you kiss your hand where you’re practicing before the big night. Nope. That wasn’t it. She’s not happy with Wade’s game, and is basically telling him that without officially telling him that. -Erin apologizes for being as cold as the North Polo over this, but said her reasoning behind it was that she didn’t know what Wade’s mom would think. Yes ladies and gentleman, she actually used this as her excuse. Not, “you’re a horrible kisser”, not “frankly Wade, I’m turned on more by family members than you”, or even “the whole ‘meathead-wit-the-southern-accent’ thing doesn’t work for me either”. Wade is stunned that someone as sophisticated and attractive as Erin is actually not turned by his game. And to cap off their last meeting, they give us big foreshadowing hint #1 with Wade telling the camera, “I’m not an idiot. It’s Erin’s fault if I take the money.” First off, it’s still debatable whether you’re an idiot. Don’t jump to conclusions just yet. Idiot. Secondly, is that a threat? God help us if you choose the money over Erin. That would just send shockwaves through our existence. To which Erin ends with, “Choosing Chad is a way bigger risk.” Uh oh. Erin’s turning into Rob. The Whistle Blower is the sure thing, but the true love is with Noel. Oh, who oh who will she choose? -Commercial. “Malibu’s Most Wanted” starring Jamie Kennedy is coming to DVD. I’m fired up. Just the movie I want to see right on a Friday night home alone. Maybe it’s just me, but is there a reason, that every movie that’s been released since within, oh I don’t know, the last two years, has to have some white people in it uttering the phrase, “fa schizzle my dizzle nizzle?” Is that supposed to be funny? It’s like writers and directors way of trying attract the black audience to a mostly white cast for their movie. So instead of having actually funny dialogue, they think if they have white people throw a couple street slang phrases in there, the black audience will appreciate it. I can think of four movies right off the top of my head which shows something to that effect in the previews: “Malibu’s Most Wanted”, “Bringin’ Down Tha’ House”, “Head of State”, and that new movie with Damon Wayans and Lisa Kudrow, or as I like to call it, “Another Bomb from A ‘Friends’ Cast Member.” Right up there with “Lost in Space”, the “Pall Bearer”, and anything with Matthew Perry. -Now it’s time to recap all the warm and fuzzy memories she’s had with Noel during his date. Whoa. Wait a second. These two meeting up is like she’s been stranded on a desert island for a month without him. 30 second hugs, kisses, removal of clothes (well, not exactly, but you get the point. I like to exaggerate). When she met with Wade for the last time, she basically told him she’d rather kiss his mother than him, now her and Noel are in full lip lock mode wandering around the backyard. This isn’t looking good for our boy Mr. Whistle. Trista practically had Poem Dork’s children on their last date together, while Andy and Jen gave the couch a great workout. Wade got a handshake and a “I-think-about-your-Mom-a-lot-when-kissing-you” speech. Ouch. Like Wade said, he needed a huge rally here in the bottom of the ninth from Erin, and basically she came in throwing upper 90’s heat, mixed in with a wicked curveball and retired the side 1-2-3. Game over. Drive home safely. -When Noel is reeling off his, “Are these real kisses?”, “How do I know you’re sincere?”, “I’m questioning your motives” B.S. to Erin one last time, it sounds like she actually gets a little fed up. Erin: “Why are you questioning that? I can’t fake it.” Uh, yes you can honey. In fact, I’m sure you have before. Although it is one of the rudest, coldest things women can do to men, we all know you do it. Why is that? Do you purposely like screwing with our egos? Do you take pleasure in knowing you’ve made us think we’re Tarzan when really you enjoyed it less than a root canal? Can we tell? Of course we can. Not all the time, but most of the time. You’d be surprised. It’s just that in the throws of passion, we’re not gonna call you out for illegal procedure, because frankly, it would ruin any chance of a return engagement. We just have to go along with it, and hope you’re not as cold, sadistic, and calculating as we think you are. -Here is something about Noel and Erin that immediately bothers me. When they are together and talking to each other, they like to hold hands up by their shoulders with their palms facing the other person with the fingers intercrossed. What is that? Who holds hands like that? Don’t normal couples hold hands down low when kissing? Where did these two come up with this kissing stance? Frankly, it’s scaring the hell out of me. Put your hands down people. I’ve literally never seen this before. It’s like they’re playing that game where you stand facing each other and try and knock the other one off balance by putting your palms together and pushing the other person. I hate to break bad news to these lovebirds but it’s a proven fact that couples who hold hands like this when they’re talking to each other rarely ever last past 9 months. Numerous books and research have backed this theory. I think. -Noel asks Erin where does she see them ending up after this, and she says, “I don’t have any expectations. I just want to see where things go.” Noel says this is a huge red flag. Not the greatest answer he wanted to hear from someone he would give up a million dollars from. Translation: The editors made sure this was put in the final show just so it might throw people off into thinking Noel would possibly take the money over Erin when she picked him over the Whistler. Didn’t work. Although Chad’s flipping out and is in desperate need of a valium at this point with all his questioning to Erin, we really don’t need to pay attention to anything happening on their final date at this point. Knowing that she would come across as the biggest golddigger in the history of the world if she picked Wade after seeing her obvious lack of interest in him, they can’t possibly make us think that she’d pick him over Noel. She’d get ridiculed for day’s on end for that one. -After Noel’s date which consisted of more tongue action and a 30 second goodbye squeeze, Noel and Wade are left pondering to each other, “Who will she pick?” Whistle tard, thinking he’s actually still in this game, thinks there’s another twist coming to the show. “What if she chooses me, I choose her, and then she gets to choose whether or not she wants to stay with me once she hears my answer?” Don’t worry Whistle dork, ain’t happening. Quit turning into Noel and overanalyzing every aspect of the game. She’s choosing Noel, you’re S.O.L. and that’s that. Try Match.com, or Matchmaker.com. There seem to be numerous quality women on there for you. If you’re willing to possibly meet your soulmate over a 4 week period on television, the internet shouldn’t be half as bad. -So the next 20 minutes or so is the guys going over their feelings for Erin. What do I do if she picks me? It’s the morning of the big day, and they both wake up with different thoughts. Wade tells us he had crazy dreams about what happens. They didn’t really specify if that consisted of Wade changing the sheets immediately when he got up, but I think we all know it did. And Noel figures he’d just write some things down in a journal he’s decided to keep after 4 weeks. Good idea. The one line that we do see him write in his journal is “My feelings for you are real.” Wow. Great start. Are guys allowed to keep journals? We all know girls have diaries and crap like that, but how many guys have them? Is this column technically considered a journal because I’m writing my thoughts down? If it is, why am I sharing them with you? I don’t even know you. That’s it. I’m done. Goodbye. Nice knowing you……. -…..Uh, just kidding. I’m back. The theme to these guys’ decisions seems to be with the line that the good ol’ prophet Wade came up with. “Go with your gut.” Whew. I’m glad someone figured out how to come to an answer on all of this. All this time, I thought they would make their decision based on something completely irrational and illogical. Good thing our boy Mr. Whistle is there to help Noel out, because Noel likes that phrase. “Go with your gut.” And he even adds to it with a sports cliché of his own, “It’s gonna be a game time decision.” Neither of them will know what their answer is until that moment arrives. If you go back to my last column in the first “For Love or Money” when we found out that Erin comes back trying to win 15 guys, I told you then that no matter who she picked, they would pick her over the money. They weren’t going to air back-to-back shows where the main person ended up losing everything. Just wasn’t gonna happen. -Ok, after commercail #469 for the show, it’s showtime. The guys are getting dressed up for the big elimination ceremony. I don’t know how he did it, but he managed to do it again. Chad has his full tux on besides the jacket, and he’s got his hat on. Just one last hat on backwards shot for the viewing audience. Outstanding. Bravo. So, did he get back in the shower after this? You mean to tell me he actually just took the hat off, put the jacket on, and went downstairs for the final ceremony? I don’t want to tell some chick that I’m choosing her over a million bucks with hat head. Something’s not right here. -They’re waiting to go out to Erin when Jordan comes in and tells them to say their goodbyes to each other since this will be the last time they’d see each other. This was almost as dramatic as the actual ceremony. Once again, the homosexual undertones were running rampant here. I mean first off, you’ve got Jordan in the room. That’s sign #1. Secondly, listen to this exchange: Wade: “This might be over, but THIS isn’t over. I’ve got your digits.” Obviously referencing their “friendship” and his plans to call him. Yikes. Not so sure if it’s a good idea they left these two together in a room. Noel: “You got it man. Good luck. Keep in touch.” Was that a sincere “keep in touch?”, or was that one of those “K.I.T.’s” you got in your high school yearbook. Look back to your senior year yearbook and count how many people told you to “K.I.T.”, and said they’d never forget you for the rest of their life. Done it? Ok. Now count how many of those people you’ve said more than 4 words to since graduation. Probably about 99%. Never fails. They should’ve written “K.I.T.U.I.G.T.C.A.M.A.N.F.A.N.S.W.A.F.H.S.A.” which stands for “Keep in touch until I get to college and meet all new friends and never speak with anyone from high school again.” That’s more like it. -Time for the Elimination Ceremony. Wade’s up first. Erin now must give the proverbial “I-must-give-you-loads-and-loads-of-compliments-before-dumping-you-on-your-ass” speech. Gonna be tough. “You light up the place (he does?)….I knew you’d be here at the end (I didn’t)….I don’t know what it was about you (neither do we)….” Shutup already, Wade. He keeps interjecting his own little comments. Just smack one time please, Erin. This is comical. It’s like Beavis and Butthead these two. Erin: “You’re so vibrant.” Wade: “Yeah, uh huh, vibrant.” Erin: “You’re so funny.” Wade: “Yeah, yeah, funny, uh huh.” Unbelievable. Shutup Beavis. She’s not asking for your opinion on any of this. Let the woman talk and dump you in peace. “I’ve never met anyone that meets all the criteria of everything I’m looking for (then why are you dumping him?)” -Just like the first finale, they then stop the screen, and flip over to her beginning to talk to Noel. “We first started out, I noticed you at the pajama party (you mean, when he looked about 15 pounds skinnier?)…..You definitely stood out (no, that was his junk pushing through his pajamas that stood out)…..We have this unbelievable connection (uh oh. The word “connection” has been brought up again. And whatever happened to smitten. We had a good 3 to 4 show run with that word, and now it’s gone forever. I guess only fairies like Erica brought that out in Erin)…..So, what I’m trying to say with all of this is just that……” Commercial. -We come back, they go back to Wade, and she finishes up after complimenting him 400 times. “Our connection is so real (is this connection anything like the “Rainbow Connection” that Kermit sang in the “Muppet Movie”. Sorry. Just asking)…..but I just feel my connection with Chad was just stronger.” Wade: “You don’t have to explain yourself. Sometimes you just can’t.” Would you shutup, already. Let the girl finish. Do you have to have a reaction to every sentence out of her mouth? Stand there, take your dumping like a man, and go on with your life. In Wade’s defense, he was very genuine, didn’t cry, and didn’t have any parting shots for Erin. He just wouldn’t shutup. “I’m gonna feel rejection every time I go to bed….If Erin chose me, I would’ve never taken the million dollars…” Of course you wouldn’t have. We knew this in Week 1. None of these guys would’ve. Except Vic, the soul less money grubber. Rumor has it that Vic and Chad bought an apartment together in L.A. That’s gotta be awesome. Every time Erin visits Chad she gets to also see the guy who took 10 dimes over her. That must not be awkward. -Erin’s turn with Noel. For the first time in nine episodes, Erin Brodie opens herself up to a guy. “What I’m trying to say with all of this is just that I’m falling in love with you and I choose you.” Noel’s response: “I think you’re a smart, witty, classy, down-to-earth, special person…..I loved every date with you….on the ropes course, I wanted to run over and maul you….Mexico was the greatest thing ever…..but here’s the twist….” So he tells her about the million dollar decision he has to make. He says, “Remember yesterday, I asked you about where you see us in the future, and you said you had no expecations and just wanted to see where things ended up.” To which Erin delivered the line of the night, “I said that?” Basically, she felt the cool 2 million slipping from her fingers so she wanted to backtrack and take away some potentially damaging evidence. Noel goes on to say, “Well, that definitely hurt me. So I have a tough decision to make. It’s nothing against you but…….” Commercial. -It’s at this point, the show gave away the obvious. They told us to stick around for the shocking conclusion. Well, if he just went into the commercial with, “I have a tough decision to make. It’s nothing against you, but……” then shocking would be that he picks her over the money. Which he did. He basically was jerking with her to add more spice to the show. So now it’s Erin’s turn to reveal her secret about Rob and the other show, and before she even starts, Noel thinks she’s gonna dump him or something and almost passes out. Calm down, dude. Take a deep breath. She tells him that she received $2 million for him picking her and to show him it’s not all about the money with her, she’s going to split it with him. So she writes him a check…..for $500,000!!!!! -Whoa. Wait a second. I thought she just told him she was gonna split the $2 million with him? Why did she only give him 25%? Now, if you’re saying that she’s splitting the money that he originally thought he was playing for, that’s why she gave him $500K, then why did she say she’s splitting the $2 million? Or maybe I wasn’t listening at this point. I’m confused. Whatever. Maybe she told him she was splitting just the money he thought he was playing for, maybe she didn’t. I just thought I heard her say she’s splitting the $2 million. In any event, she gets $1.5 million, he gets $500K, and they live happily ever after. Or until he realizes she shortchanged him out of 500 G’s. Ok. I understand. She does confirm that she’s splitting the $1 million that just they were playing for, hence the $500K. Fine. He still should hit her up for another 500 G’s. Congratulations to Erin and Chad. -The End. I hope you all enjoyed the “For Love or Money” columns. When this show first started, I had no idea I’d be this into it. I also didn’t know it was going play out over about 4 months. Now, I only have until Sept. 24th when the next “Bachelor” starts up. Bob’s big boy gets to choose between 25 ladies, and according to what I’ve read, Bob is like the biggest Bachelor they’ve ever had- literally and figuratively. ABC received 15,000 applications once Bob was revealed as the next Bachelor, compared to 2,000-3,000 for the guys before him. Unbelievable. And they add a couple twists to the show. Apparently a couple of the rose ceremonies are done out on the dates themselves, rather than back at the house, and a surprise guest comes to h