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6.14.04
Whoa….let’s see if I ever do that again. You know how sometimes in the past I couldn’t make it through typing the column so I’d take a little nappie nap? Well, that nap has now taken me to 1:00am without typing a word. Somehow, some way, I’ve built up enough strength to actually not hit the snooze button, get my ass off of my uncomfortable bed, and begin typing. But needless to say, that’ll be the last time the first words I type are at 1:00am. I need to be back in bed. Hell, I should be in REM sleep right now considering the show ended 3 hours ago. Could I possibly whine any more? Didn’t think so. Let’s begin…
-The show starts with Jordan walking in on the ladies downstairs in the living room. Good thing he didn’t come in banging on a wine glass. That’s host Chris’ schtick. He could get sued for something like “lame gimmick trademark” or something. If you were to rank Jordan’s metrosexuality on a scale of 1-10, would you give him a 15 also? Thought so.
-Well, if Jordan is appearing on camera, there must be another twist happening. And there is. Shocker. We aren’t more than 37 seconds into this show, and they have yet another twist for us. The ladies have just been told that Preston knows the amount of each and every one of their checks, and has known since before their first dates. A look of shock and amazement fills the room through such creative editing. I think they showed some of the faces the girls had made earlier when Jordan walked in looking all foofy just moments ago, but they saved the reactions until now.
-PJ (who’s name still rhymes with….ok. You get it. I know): “Now we’re not allowed to tell Preston that we know that he knows the amount of our checks.” Yes, that would be bad. Would kinda ruin the whole show now, wouldn’t it? If this is making the ladies head spin as much as it is, I can’t wait until later when they spring on them yet another twist. I think one of the blondes heads might explode into pieces.
-Commercial. We’re very early into the show, and already we have our first commercial. And by God, here’s the commercial for “Garfield: The Movie.” Holy sh**. I guess I don’t really have a problem with them making a Garfield movie per se, but why is it being made in the year 2004? Garfield hasn’t been popular since I was in 3rd grade. What’s next? A movie about “Clifford”, that big red dog? Or how about “Curious George”? What was so curious about him anyway? I found it curious that “Curious George” never hung around other monkeys. He was always hanging around that older guy? Should’ve been more like “Curious George and his Curious Relationship with an Older Man Who Seemed Rather Curious About His Sexuality”. And can you believe it’s gotten to the point where I’ll spend a whole paragraph talking about “Garfield: The Movie” and not make one mention of the fact that Jennifer Love Hewitt is in it? See. That’s the effect Lindsay Lohan is having on me.
-With the revelation that Preston knows the amount of their checks, the girls begin to question Preston’s motives. All of them are wondering that all-important question: Why is there no appealing whatsoever about Preston? Kidding. Sort of. Actually, one of them actually has the nerve to say, “There’s always that chance that a guy is in it for something else.” Who thought that? And where could they ever come up with such a preposterous idea? Next thing you know, one of the ladies will be blurting out, “What if he’s just using me to get to my check.” Or even, “He just looks at me like a piece of meat.” Woops. Wrong show. That’s “Ultimate Love Test”. Check “Reality Roundup” for that little recap. Fun show.
-So to further make the ladies start catfighting with each other, the producers let them play a game called "Gang up on Rachel”. Each girl has a box in front of her, one with a love coin, and one with a money coin. They are to take each coin, and put it on the portrait of the woman they think is most there for love, and most there for money. There wasn’t much suspense involved in this game whatsoever considering ever girl but Rachel put their money coin on Rachel’s picture, and Rachel put her money coin on Jamie. As for the love coin, PJ got 3 of the 6 votes. And all six simpletons thought the game had no consequences whatsoever even though we all knew it would. To their utter disbelief, they’re told the two ladies who got the most votes, PJ and Rachel, now both get a solo date with Preston while the others get a group date. Imagine that. Another crazy twist. Is there any level these producers won’t stoop too? Well, they did screw up the editing here. As my astute roommate so effectively pointed out, when they showed one of the shots of the group’s reaction to this, all the coins were still in the box, yet they had just put their coins up on the pictures. Woops. Some editing guy just lost his job. Sorry dude.
-Here comes another twist. PJ or Rachel will now find out what their check is worth. Jordan is holding in his hand the latest piece of FLOM memorabilia that you could own for only $99.99 if you head on over to Ebay right now. I’m sure someone’s hocking it as we speak. He informs us he’s holding the “For Love or Money” coin. One side is a heart, the other side is money. Get it? Heart symbolizes love, dollar sign…….you get the point. These producers are very tricky. He’s going to flip it, and whatever side it comes up, that girl gets to know amount of her check. He flips……and they head to commercial break while the coin is in mid air. Could they possibly kill me with any more suspense? The coin flipping over side by side in mid air, Jordan waiting in anticipation to catch it, and the women all giddy with anticipation wondering if they’ll finally get to know what their check is worth. Drama at its finest, I tell ya’.
-Commercial. The DVD for “Field of Dreams” is hitting stores soon. Or maybe it’s already out. Not sure, but whatever the case, they’re bringing it to your attention so you can go buy it. Not because it’s a good movie, and not because they’ve added narration by a couple of athletes in the “Extras” section, but because this movie has now become a collector’s item. You see, this is the last piece of work Kevin Costner was in involved in that anyone gave a crap about. Get it while it’s hot. “Waterworld”? C’mon. I don’t need to see dude’s drinking their own urine. “My Bodyguard”? Yeah, that was believable. Some coked out Jesus freak like Whitney Houston would fall for some bland, boring, white guy hired to protect her. Those two had about as much in common as Kobe and a black woman. Sorry. But the Game 4 performance warrants me getting on him again. Tonight he’ll come out and probably go off for 35.
-One thing I noticed about “For Love or Money”, when they return from commercial, they replay about the last ten seconds BEFORE they headed to commercial, just in case you didn’t happen to be watching what just happened two minutes ago. I guess. Can’t really think of any other reason. The “Bachelor” doesn’t do that. And since this show tries to rip it off as much as it can, I’m shocked they’ve added this themselves. But whatever. Let them create their own identity. Let them be Ashlee Simpson. Let them be Haley Duff. Let them be Nick Carter. Or should they be Aaron Carter? I mean, Aaron is the younger one, but he’s the one who was banging Hilary Duff then cheated on her with Lindsay Lohan. So technically, that makes him extremely more important than Nick right about now, doesn’t it? What’s that? Nick is boinking Paris Hilton? I take it all back. What the hell was I talking about?
-PJ wins the coin flip and decides to kick off. Uhhhhhh….I mean, she has now found out her check is worth $50K. The 3nd smallest amount among everyone remaining besides Rachel and Rebekah, who are both worth $1. We are twisting again people. If Chubby Checker and the Fat Boys would’ve trademarked the “Twist”, they’d be making a hell of a lot of money off this show. Even though PJ doesn’t know the amount of any of the other ladies checks, she’s been given the option to switch with any one of them. But of course, the chick who’s most here for the money wants none of that, so she decides to stay. Good girl. You are here for the right reasons. You will find your mate PJ, I just know it. Problem is, it won’t be on this show.
-We are twenty minutes into the show, and we finally get to see Preston for the first time as he arrives for his group date. Not that that’s a good thing, I just figured I’d point that out. I think I figured out what’s wrong with Preston. You know how most people’s eyes are located about a ¼ of the way below their forehead? Well, his eye level is pretty much right in the middle of his face. I’m gonna have to take the measuring tape to the TV next week, but I’m almost certain the top half of his face is forehead. I could be wrong though.
-The group date is some flower garden with umbrellas because it’s raining. Could these producers have shot this show at more imperfect time? It rains about three days a year in Cal-ee-forn-eeya (as the Governor so aptly pronounces it), and so far one Elimination Ceremony has been wiped out because of the rain, and now the group date is ruined. So they head towards a shelter where they’ll be performing some sort of tea ritual. Whoa. Flashback. Déjà vu. Isn’t this the exact same ritual Daniel performed with Kumiko in “Karate Kid II” when they were falling in love? “I am a man, who will fight, for your honor…..I’ll be the hero, you’ve been dreamin’ of….We’re gonna live forever, knowin’ together, that we, did it all, for the Glory of Love….” You needed a good make out song in the 80’s, Peter Cetera was your guy.
-Preston said going into the group date, he had question marks about two women, didn’t say who, but only pulled two of the four girls aside for some alone time, Jamie and Andrea. Guess those were the two. He isn’t very sneaky about this, is he? They show us a whopping 30 seconds of his alone time with Jamie, which doesn’t bode well for her. Especially since she wasn’t as affectionate and flirtatious as Andrea was. All the other girls watching Preston and Andrea: “Andrea’s the touchy feely type.” Translation: Clingy and needy. No use for her. Get out while you can, Presto.
-Preston: “There has not been a connection with Jamie.” Wow. Imagine that. A guy who’s not impressed with the unaffectionate girl who didn’t stroke his ego the whole time she was with him. Is Preston related to Bob Guiney by chance?
-As the girls get back from their group date, PJ and Rachel are watching through the window at the types of hugs he’s giving the ladies goodbye. Apparently this means something to women. Never did it occur to them it could’ve been freezing outside and he was rushing hugs to get his cold ass back in the car. For whatever it’s worth, they thought he gave fake hugs to everyone but Rebekah. The day I’m being judged on the length and quality of the hugs I give someone, and I find out about it, that girl is getting a tongue lashing. And not in the good sense either.
-Rachel’s date is up next, and after torturing the group date when they came home about what they did, I’m glad the producers sent her on what might have been the worst date in the history of reality dating shows. Preston: “It’s only been a few days, but I kinda missed Rachel.” Once again, shocker to hear that the first girl he kissed, Rachel, is the girl he’s most impressed with so far. What’s that saying? “The sword is mightier than the pen.” Or is it the other way around? Well, in this case, “The tongue is mightier than the pen.” Or something like that. You know what? Scratch the last few sentences. My eyes are starting to shut on me.
-Every girl in the house regarding Rachel’s date: “She’s going to bounce as much as she can.” Are they talking about her chest? I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I think they are. And hey, I know women use their goods to attract men by wearing certain tops or revealing the necessary amount of cleavage, but has someone actually used “bouncing” their breasts to their advantage? This happens? And I’ve never dated these women because……..? What does this “bouncing” consist of? Would this be when you have a decent size pair of breasts, and Preston tells a lame joke, then to flirt, you’ll exaggerate your laugh by bouncing up and down while laughing? That type of bouncing? Oh I get it. Next.
-Preston and Rachel arrive at the “Worst Date Ever” old folks home to spoon feed the elderly. Who thought of this date? Man, the producers must hate Rachel as well. Actually, they were there to deliver a wedding cake to a couple who’s been together 62 years? How these two managed alone time with the camera was beyond me. Even the old guy had a take on Preston and Rachel: “I think they’re falling in love.” Aaahhhh Christ. They’ve even got the old guy hooked now. This date is sinking faster than Ed Harris in the “Abyss”. You know, that was the only movie I’ve ever seen where my feelings changed so quickly. I really liked it up until the point where after they lose contact with Ed, he remains alive because he’s living underwater with glowing purple creatures, they bring him and their ship back up to water level, and everyone isn’t in complete and utter shock at what’s happening here. The guy is human and he was living underwater with things never been seen on this earth. Did any of his crew members find this the least bit strange? Weird movie.
-In the car ride home, Rachel gets in the line of the night. Rachel: “If you pick me, we’ll get to see each other more and more and hang out.” Really? Is that how it works? Yeah Rachel, usually when you’re dating someone, you get to see them as much as you can. She must’ve been following the Jesse and Jesse relationship currently not going on. Three different sources have revealed to me that these two are completely finished already. He was seen at a restaurant in New York this weekend hanging all over what was reported to me as a “skanky ho”. He was seen at the Belmont Stakes in New York without her around two weeks ago. And then there was the NY Post reporting he left a restaurant a few weeks back with at least two girls numbers. And to think Tara was embarrassed by this man. She must feel great right about now.
-Commercial. Victoria’s Secret is having some major sale going on right now. I mean, MAJOR sale. Bra’s starting at $9.99 and panties at $2.99. Look, I’m no aficionado on women’s undergarments, but I do know a couple things. With first and foremost being this: You ain’t getting’ any good pair of panties for $2.99, I don’t care what kind of blowout sale they’re having. $2.99?!! Those have to be the granny panties, right? That’s not even possible. I’m guessing a $2.99 pair of underwear lasts a good 24 hours before having to get chucked. And $10 bucks for a bra? Since when? Those things are like $30-$40 bucks for just your standard basic black lace bra with the back strap and the double hook and no wire, right? Damn, I’m good.
-PJ’s solo date was very reminiscent of Jesse and Trish’s first date where they went to the opera. Once again though, the “Bachelor’s” stepchild here took it a couple below. Whereas Jesse and Trish went to some upscale LA Opera House, they stuck Preston and PJ (which almost sounds worse together than the two Jesse’s) at the Pasadena Civic Center. I mean, no disrespect to the PCC but c’mon. This was a blatant rip off of Jesse and Trish’s date. Preston and PJ got to have the whole theatre to themselves and had a front row seat as the dude in his unbelievably tight blue leotard pranced around on stage with his junk in full view of the world. But Preston and PJ ate it up like they were at “Phantom” or something.
-Preston went in for a small kiss and nailed it. Then 30 seconds later, he tries another tongue attack and PJ backs away. Uh oh. Preston: “I need PJ to throw herself out there more.” Translation: I need PJ throw herself all over me more. Hey, Preston’s a simple man. If you don’t want to kiss him and throw all your attention his way, you might not be around much longer. PJ needs to come correct or risk the chance of getting booted the same night she gets an alone date, which rarely ever happens. Hasn’t happened since Amber the mouse took Firestone ice skating then professed her love for the “Olive Garden” to him. That went well.
-Back at the house, the remaining fivegirls were chatting about something the producers probably told them to run with – sex pills. A few of the girls were talking about some herbal supplement that could help satisfy their sexual appetite or something. To which Rachel blurted out how horny she is, she can’t take it anymore, and she just takes care of her sexual frustration herself at the house. Outstanding. Hey, at least she admits it. Why they all jumped on her for this is beyond me. Rachel’s not doing anything that any of those other girls aren’t doing in their alone time, other than telling the truth about it. If these other ladies don’t want to admit to being fans of double clicking the mouse, that’s their problem. I’m beginning to like Rachel more and more. Tell us more, please.
-Rachel and Andrea have at it because Andrea doesn’t like Rachel’s mouth about her masturbation skills. Rachel: “I don’t even want to look at your face anymore. Get out of here.” Sweet. Let the catfighting begin. The claws are out, Rachel’s pissed, Andrea’s a lying skank (and an unattractive one at that), and both of them are around at least another week. This’ll be good.
-Elimination Ceremony. And Preston walks like a duck. Just noticed that….
Rebekah: Tells her he can’t wait to get 1-on-1 time with her. I bet. Stays.
Andrea: She’s got a snag in whole bottom of her dress. Ugh-lee. Stays.
Rachel: He thinks they need to spend more time together so she can kiss him more. Stays.
PJ: Some girls wear dresses and a lot of jewelry. PJ had on black stretch pants. Stays.
Jamie: “Unfortunately, I don’t think I’m the type of guy you’re looking for.” Her and her $250K are gonzo.
Ali: He tells her she’s the most sophisticated in the group and he’s impressed with her. Translation: I can’t figure out yet how bad you want me, so you better step it up soon or else you’re going home. And you have a $1 million price tag as well, which never hurts.
-Next week, they show clips for more catfighting. And they give us this great tease. “Next week, there’s a date so hot, it’ll steam up your TV set.” Can we stop, please? I’m guessing my TV is not gonna start steaming. I might start steaming if they start throwing more stuff in here to make me sick as a dog, but I’m sure my TV will be fine. And who’s going to win this thing? I thought Jamie was a front runner because she was the best looking girl left. Andrea has no chance, neither does Ali. That leaves Rachel, PJ, and Rebekah. I’ll go with Rachel since they’ve spent the most time on her. She’ll choose the money, end up $1 richer, and she’ll be the feature of “For Love or Money 4”, just like Erin returned for a 2nd show. I know they’re doing a 2nd show, I just don’t know who’s in it yet. And the one person they’ve spent the most time hyping is Rachel, so it makes the most sense. But then again, what makes the least sense is usually what happens, so maybe I’m completely wrong. Yeah, right. Until next week….
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