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6.21.04
Going back through every column I’ve ever written, starting with the first “Joe Millionaire” all the way through this current season of “For Love or Money 3”, I’ve never written a column the following night after the show aired. I’ve always written right when the show was over, no matter how long it took me to write. We live in a world of instant gratification. People want everything now. Don’t give it to me later, give it to me now. Now, now, now. And I’ve always tried to do that. I’ve seen some sites that put up their review sometimes 48 hours later. Granted, they probably have more of a life than me but still. Who wants to read something a day or two days old? So this has been a streak I’m pretty proud of. Or, WAS pretty proud of until tonight. This definitely feels a little bizarre writing 24 hours after the show aired. I feel like a complete failure. Pardon me while chastise myself for screwing up my streak. Ok. I’m done. Let’s begin….
-Can anyone find me those chart-topping lyrics to this season’s cheesy “For Love or Money” theme song? Why was this added to the show? What’s the point? Is there a soundtrack to follow with bad guitar solo’s and depressing music? Oh wait. That’s the “Bachelor”. This one is a little more upbeat. But it sucks. Get rid of it. I mentioned this last season, but every “FLOM” show starts with a description of what the show’s about, then the cheesy intro song, and then a recap of last week. That’s too much. Give us the fake couple on the beach, give us the seagulls and leave it at that.
-There’s Metro Jordan to open the show running into the ladies room to wake them up as they all look like crap first thing in the morning. Andrea: “I get nerves in my stomach every time Jordan arrives.” Now, is this because she’s afraid Jordan will twist the game around for the 1,462nd time, or is it because she thinks he’s peeking at her in her nightie? You can rule out the latter, sweets. Jordan likes dudes. I think.
-Our “FLOM” producers went for originality on today’s date. With five people remaining, Erin, excuse me, Preston will have to choose one girl to go out with for 3 hours. When they come home, he can choose to stay with the same girl, or pick someone else to go out with. There’s only four dates, and five girls. So one person could get screwed, or four of them could get screwed if he chooses to take one girl out the whole day. I don’t quite remember correctly what Erin chose last season, but I think she went with Chad for two dates, and Wade for two dates. I remember Wade definitely got more than one. Can’t remember who the other/s she went with. And those were your two finalists. I wonder if Preston would’ve led us down that same path. Ahhhh, no.
-So the first date began in an hour and the ladies need to run upstairs and get ready. Shot of the bathroom where they’re all getting ready and someone’s shaving their legs. They never showed who and I won’t begin to guess. But it reminded me of this new product I saw on TV the other night for women: razorless razor. Have you seen this? Who thought of this and how does it work? A razorless razor? Huh? Thank god I’m not a chick sometimes.
-So we’ve got one girl shaving her legs, while Andrea’s rubbing that gooey ultrasound lotion on herself. Maybe it was a sign of things to come and she’s anticipating her and Preston’s trip to the doctor to find out the sex of the baby. And Andrea knows her belly turns Preston on so maybe that’s why she’s doing it. Who knows. Anything to distract from her face, I guess.
-Preston arrives for date #1 and he chooses Andrea in his new haircut. Same style, just shorter. Still doesn’t change the fact his eyes start in the middle of his face though. Actually makes it look worse since now his hairline starts higher. But that’s neither here nor there. Andrea got really dressed to the nine’s for this one as she had on a short top that showed off her gooey stomach, and her pajama bottoms. Preston: “That is the perfect attire.” For what? To remove the easiest without any struggle? She looked ready to go to a slumber party for Christ sakes. Preston, c’mon buddy. Tell your women to dress like they care at least.
-Their date is to the local roller rink, of course rented out only to them. That’s where they went wrong. They should’ve just had a regular date with all the little kiddies skating around them holding hands and listening to Air Supply. And then on cue, the bully of the class would skate up from behind and break your bond by skating right in between you. Humiliating you in front of your friends, and sending any chance of you getting a french kiss right down the toilet. You’d be scarred for weeks, your girl didn’t like you anymore, and she actually had the nerve to start liking that prick who skated in between you two because he gave her attention. Damn Damon used to piss me off. Sorry. Flashback. Where was I?
-So there roller rink was empty except for, surprise, a dinner table right in the middle of the rink. I happen to remember something quite similar in “Bachelor 3” where a certain Mr. Firestone took a certain mouse like creature to an ice skating rink, had a candlelight dinner in the center, where she proceeded to salivate over the unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks from Olive Garden. Once again, “FLOM” is the redheaded stepchild of the “Bachelor”.
-Andrea (we’re three episodes in, and it has finally arrived ladies and gentleman): “You make me giddy. I don’t know why…….I am SMITTEN with Preston right now!” Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!! Oh no she di’ uhnt. Oh ha-yel no she di’ uhnt. “Smitten” is back better than ever. Can’t Erin sue for copyright infringement over this? Is this legal? That’s her word. Hers and only hers. She started it, she used it enough, and by golly, especially when trash like Andrea uses it, Erin better make some money off this. Long live “smitten”. Lay it to rest so it shall never be used again.
-Time for the 2nd date. Some girls have changed I see. Not PJ. She’s still got the same cocktail dress on when Preston dumped her the first time. Ali wins date #2 because well, I don’t know why. And apparently neither does Preston. Preston: “Ali was on this date simply because of her $1 million check.” Nice. Way to be subtle there, Presti. But I guess honesty is the best policy. I just never thought Preston would see Ali like the rest of us: boring.
-Preston: “I’m disappointed with the connection. It hasn’t been there all night.” Then why are you fondling her hand in the limo ride home? Don’t you see how that might confuse her? Women don’t like to be teased. Women don’t like to be fooled. If you don’t like her, tell her. If you don’t want her, tell her. If you think she’s fat, well, don’t tell her that. But you get the point. Most women just want to hear the truth, and whether or not if affects them in any way, they’re always the most understanding and rational creatures to deal with in a time like this. Gee, it wasn’t until this point that I realized I could actually take my index finger and touch the inner lining of my esophagus. Crazy.
-Ali’s date was to a silent moive theater in L.A. (how fitting for these two) where we got to see photos of Ali’s childhoold. Oh goodie. This should be good. Here’s Ali on the drill team. Here’s Ali as captain of her dance team. And here’s Ali as Homecoming Queen. An extensive search done all around the country which probably included thousands and thousands of women, and you’re telling me that NBC was lucky enough to find someone that not only was on drill team in high school, not only was captain of her dance team, but was also Homecoming Queen? Not possible. I find that very hard to believe. How many hours upon hours upon hours of research and background checks did this one take to find? Great job, NBC. Next thing you know, they’ll tell us one of these girls is a model/actress. Oh wait. That’s Ali too. She’s got it all.
-Preston: “I had no connection with Ali whatsoever. I’d love to take her million and put it on someone else……she’s the highest risk, but has the highest reward.” Always seems to work out that way, doesn’t it? I hear ya’, Presto. That’s a tough one. I hate it when that happens. All these women you and I encounter and it’s always the riskiest ones who give us the greatest reward. I know how you feel. Don’t worry about it. I’m sure you can get through it. People always seem to do on this show. And if he’s there strictly for love, why would he want to take her money and put it on someone he actually liked? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose? Shouldn’t he be happy the woman he dislikes the most has the biggest check?
-Commercial. For you non-sports fans, Wimbledon began on Monday and will run for the next two weeks. This only interests me because the commercials in America are only promoting the Williams sisters and Andy Roddick, basically our only hopes whatsoever to win the thing. One of the Williams sisters will probably win on the women’s side, but Roddick will never win for the men. Why? Bad karma. The guy dumped Mandy Moore. He’s destined for bad luck now. Who dumps Mandy Moore? Who? And I thought those two were destined for greatness together. Since their breakup, Mandy has done numerous interviews and from what I can gather, has no business dating anyone famous anymore. In fact, she told People that her next boyfriend would be someone that nobody knew. You think the pencil neckers will Mandy’s pictures from “Bop” and “Teen Beat” aren’t completely wetting themselves right now? Should’ve never have said that Mandy. They’re ALL after you now. By the way, this little website I have, that doesn’t make me famous, does it? Just checking.
-Date #3 is with PJ. This beautiful, luxurious date is a whopping 30 feet from where he picked her up. They go halfway down the driveway before stopping at an Arabain tent where they’ll just kick back, drink some wine, eat some snacks, and enjoy some quality one-on-one time together. At least that’s that Presto’s looking forward to. Preston: “I’m going into relaxation mode.” Translation: If PJ would blow me, that’d be great. Bonus points for her.
-I haven’t mentioned it yet, but everytime Preston comes back and chooses his next date, and that date is NOT Rachel, she has a hissy fit. She bugs the person who just went on the date to tell her everything that happened, and everyone becomes annoyed. I just figured now that I’m three pages in, I might want to bring up the most important contestant in the show. Ms. “I’m-here-for-the-money-yet-I’m-getting-upset-because-I-can’t-go-out-with-Preston”. She’s making no sense. But then again, isn’t that the best part? If she were totally cool with sharing Preston, and wasn’t a bitch, and said nothing but nice things to all the others, would she even have been cast….errr…..made it through the grueling interview process? Didn’t think so.
-You can tell Preston likes PJ. They’re making out in their Arabian tent and Preston’s even got his special Justin Timberlake leather wristbands on. What the hell is he wearing? I fully expect him to break out with a version of “Bye bye bye” at some point. I think Preston really, really enjoys fooling us into thinking he’s not a closet N’ Sync fan. The truth hurts, doesn’t it big boy? And we all know Justin has done well for himself on his own, but what about the others? JC has that ridiculous “Some girls dance with women” song out right now that’s god awful, but where are the other three? Lance Bass made a horrible flick then wanted to go to the moon or something. The other little runt Chris I haven’t heard word one from. And Joey Fatone was in “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”, and rightfully so. When you look at that group, my question was always this: What pictures did Joey Fatone ever have in his possession for him to latch on to a group like that? Who was he bribing? Talk about a square peg in a round hole. “Nobody….but nobody knows anything about this, ya’ dig? I’ve gotta rep to protect.” - Johnny Nogarelli “Grease 2”. Remember that.
-Date #4 rolls around and he’s chosen Rebekah meaning he wussed out and went out on a date with everyone except Rachel, who’s now hurt and crying because the love of her life has decided to go with someone else. Preston: “Rebekah’s the cutest girl of the bunch.” It’s always about looks with guys, isn’t it? How shallow. Why not pick an Ali for her intelligence and her wit and charm. This trend that’s disturbing me is becoming very prevalent in these shows. People choosing strictly on looks, and body, and cup size rather than what’s inside. Is Preston seeing something that I’m not?
-Their date was on top of the Hilton in downtown L.A. where dinner was awaiting them, and he got to feed Rebekah chocolate cake. Why is chocolate cake always used as a toy to flirting? Ever noticed that? Feeding someone cake is the universal sign that you two are about to, or want to, go at it like rabbits. Why can’t it be like a ham and cheese sandwich or something? Do sweet foods like chocolate really make someone that horny? Or is it just an excuse people use when they don’t want to seem so forward and now have one built in? Like alcohol. Ladies, you want guys paying attention to you at a party, or at a club, just make sure they here you say, “Oh my God. I’m so drunk.” They’ll be on you like stank on a monkey. So I guess chocolate now falls into that category. Hey, I’m not complaining, I’m just asking.
-Preston and Rebekah saved the best date for last as they get to strip down to their hot tub attire and we get out first hot tub scene in Episode 3. Not bad. They held out a little longer than some of the other shows. Including “Bachelorette 2” where we got ZERO hot tub scenes for six weeks. Booooooooooooooo Meredith. Anyway, Preston and Rebekah’s hot tub scene produced the Quote of the Night. Preston: “Rebekah has a smokin’ physique. Her body was ridiculous.” Translation: I’d like to have intercourse with that woman.
-Back at the house, the girls were told before Date #4 that whoever got it would need to bring their bathing suit. So all of them are pissed Rebekah's the one who got to go. Well, not necessarily. Rachel’s pissed, and all the other girls are laughing at her for getting snubbed. PJ: “Rachel feels threatened by Rebekah’s body.” As she should be. I read somewhere that Rachel’s real job is that she’s a model for the cover of romance novels. So she knows Fabio? I wonder if she’s dated him and reveals it to Preston at the end and he leaves her at the altar? That would be like, totally random and a first in reality dating show history. Woops. Make that a second. Gil dork already pulled that off with Larissa.
-Rachel’s about to lose it over Rebekah getting the hot tub date. Rachel: “She’s in a hot tub with a boy. You don’t know what that could lead to and how it could sway his decision.” Well, if you’re having trouble figuring it out, maybe I could help you, Rebekah. That’s my job and all. You see, what it could lead to is hot steamy sex between two young, vibrant sexual beings. And if that sex rocks his world, it very well could sway his decision in picking a woman for her sex, over a woman like yourself who has so much else to offer a man in a relationship with that warm personality, and that genuine sincere care you have for others. Hope that helps.
-Now last week when they were previewing this show, they said one of the dates is “so hot, it’ll steam up your TV set.” This was it? It obviously wasn’t any of the other three dates. So they made out in a hot tub. Hello? We’ve seen it a million times, buddy. Let’s get original here. There was no steam anywhere in my apartment watching these two swap spit for a few minutes. Steam up my TV set? Because she draped her leg over his underwater? Please. Now, unless some happy ending was involved that didn’t make the final cut, leave the exaggeration to the “Bachelor”.
-Rebekah is falling for Presto the Magician. “If he wants the money out of this, he sure is a good actor……I am falling for Preston. He’s amazing.” Hey now. Can’t Jesse Palmer now sue for copyright infringement on the word “amazing”? He’s a very distraught individual now that he’s decided to dump his love of one month. Do you think this guy really needs a lawsuit now? He’s hurting. A relationship that was supposed to last forever has taken a turn for the worse and has now barely lasted longer than the “Chevy Chase Show”. I’ve lost all hope for love. If the dualing Jesse’s can’t find love together, who can? Moment of silence, please.
-Commercial. Hilary Duff’s new movie “Cinderella” will be out shortly. Yes, it’s the story of Cinderella and you’ll never guess who plays the lead role. Yep, Hilary. Could Hilary and Lindsay possibly be fighting it out more for America’s “It” girl right now? Seems like each of them has a movie coming out every other week. I think Lindsay would kick Hilary’s ass anyway, but I’m biased. Here’s some good news on the Hilary front though. I saw a website with a picture of her dancing in a tank top and you can see a lot of her breast. Cool, huh? Should I just re-enroll in high school now?
-When Rebekah returns home from the date, Rachel’s grilling session begins. She asked Rebekah what she thought of Preston’s body. Then Rebekah gave Quote of the Night II. Rebekah: “I didn’t look at his body. I felt too self-conscious. It would make me feel uncomfortable if I knew someone was checking me out, so I never looked at his body.” Where do I even begin with this? You didn’t look at his body? Well, that’s your loss since that’s all he did when you were getting undressed. Hell, even before you got undressed he’s been looking at you salivating like you were a strip of New York sirloin. As for you feeling uncomfortable, do you actually expect us to believe this? Yeah, just like women who get implants, where shirts 10 sizes to small to clubs, then think that guys who glance at her chest are pigs. When you really break it down into its simplest form, which once again is something I try to do to help the masses here, there’s a simple explanation for getting implants: Because you want more attention. So don’t get mad when it actually happens. Your chest is bigger, men are going to look, which is just what you wanted, and now you have to deal with it.
-The next twist is every lady now has a chance to find out the value of their check. They will hold their ring above a pillow and whoever drops it will get to find out their value, but lose 50% of it. Once again, originality here. They did the same thing with Erin when they asked the five remaining guys if they would accept 10 grand to leave the game and Vic did. Andrea ends up dropping her ring, and is now worth a ¼ of a million instead of a ½ million. I know this because Jordan told me that ½ of $500,000 is $250,000. Thank you, Mr. Wizard. Oh wait. Mr. Wizard was that science guy who could make an erupting volcano out of two beekers and some mud. All the other girls are laughing at her calling her an idiot for dropping. I’m laughing too.
-Jordan informs Andrea he was willing to go as low as 20% of her check if no one would’ve dropped. I guess that’s why they were laughing. See, they actually watched he “For Love or Money 2” when Jordan told Vic he would’ve gone as high as 50 grand, I believe, if no one dropped their ring. That’s what Andrea gets for not owning a television apparently. Here’s my question: After about the first ½ hour of the first episode, and these people realized they weren’t on just another reality dating show but actually on “For Love or Money”, and they’re seeing the same dates and twists as last season’s, wouldn’t you think that these people should kind of know what to expect? How can Preston not be thinking now that the girls know that he knows the value of their checks? Did he not watch any of the last summer’s show? I highly doubt it. This is where the show becomes a little less credible to me. Yes, I’m laughing once again.
-So Jordan being the fair and equal opportunity host that he is, he immediately goes running to Preston to tell him Andrea is now worth $250K cuz’ she opted to see her check. This does not sit well with Preston. “I was very upset to find out Andrea dropped her ring. My trust went out the window. Money was obviously an issue with her. If it wasn’t, she wouldn’t have dropped.” By no means am I taking Andrea’s side in this, but I didn’t see the big deal about her dropping her ring. As far as she knew, her secret was between Jordan and the girls. How did she know that town crier would run outside and immediately tell Preston? If we’re going under the assumption that Preston wasn’t going to find out who dropped their ring, I don’t see the big deal. If you find out your price, you can gauge exactly what the other person’s intentions are. Nothing wrong with that. I would’ve done the same thing. But once that little bitch Jordan starts loadin’ up that bus and throwing you right under it, that’s where her decision backfired.
-So Preston has a tough, tough decision tonight. Is his trust in Andrea completely gone now that he knows? I wonder how long he thought about this decision. I’m guessing a ½ a second. On to Elimination Night….
PJ: Her and her $50,000 are staying.
Rebekah: Her, her ridiculous body, and $1 check are staying. And Preston tells her “You cracked my Top 5 of Funniest Women of All Time”. She did? When? She made a funny? Was this edited out? What would you know about her being funny when all you did was drool over her body and suck her face all night?
Rachel: Her and her $1 check are also staying. And she informs us that “Preston is not for me, and now I’m strictly playing for the money.” As opposed to earlier when you were playing fooooooooorrrrr……?
Ali: “You didn’t take things too quickly, and unfortunately in this game, you have to. I’m gonna have to ask for the ring back.” Translation: “These other ladies all have shown a much more sluttier side than you. See ya.” Gonzo. How come every time Preston talks to any of these women besides PJ who’s about 6’8”, he bends over at his waist like he’s talking to a 3rd grader? Very annoying.
Andrea: She now has the biggest check left at $250K. Wow. Her dropping her ring had some effect on him, huh? Glad that happened. He’s also happy she’s wearing another outfit that accentuates her stomach. This turns Preston on. As does anything with a pulse it seems. And he calls her “Dre” now. When, why, and how this started I don’t know, but I’m asking politely for it to stop now. Thank you.
-Preston leaves us with these two beauties. Preston: “I’ve gotten rid of all three girls with $1 million checks. That shows you I’m in this for love…..I definitely think one of the four remaining women is my future wife.” Whoa, whoa, whoa. This doesn’t show you’re in it for love, it shows you’re a buffoon. You’ll never spend more than a month with whoever you choose, IF they even choose you back. So you might as well have played your cards right, got one of the $1 million chicks to think you were totally into her, and when she picked you, you’d say, “See ya. I’m taking the money.” Mistake #1. Mistake #2 is actually thinking any one of these ladies will be the future Mrs. Preston Mercer. Other than that, you’re playing the game great. Hope your face doesn’t hit the cement too hard.
-Next week I promise will be up on Tuesday morning, as will the rest of the season. I’ve got a new disk that can’t possibly crap out on me. I don’t think. Next week’s show is entitled “Good Girls vs. the Bad Girls”. Apparently PJ and Rebekah are the good girls, and Rachel and Andrea are the bad ones. Outstanding. Let the catfighting begin. Please. We need to more of it. More scratching, more clawing, more hair being waved around, more rolling around on carpets, and more pillow fights in pajamas. Or something like that. Until next week……
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