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6.28.04
Already we’re one episode away from the finale on “For Love or Money”. You know what they say? “All good things must come to an end at some point.” That phrase couldn’t be more true than what we’re dealing with here. Now even though I haven’t seen anything to tell me otherwise, I’d be shocked if this were the last “FLOM” of the summer. There were twelve episodes of this show ordered. Next week will only be five. If my math serves me correct, that’s seven unaccounted for. Someone named “PJ” or “Rachel” is going to be starring in “For Love or Money 4 – The Search to be Happier than Erin and Chad”. Or “Ryan and Trista”. Or “Hayley and Will”. The only three couples that still remain together from the “Bachelor”, “Bachelorette”, or “FLOM”. Let’s get it started (not in an MC Hammer type of way. More like a Black Eyed Peas sort of way)……
-The show starts out amazingly enough without us having to deal with sexually confused Jordan right off the bat. No breaking into bedrooms with the women looking like death won them over. No screaming at them to come downstairs. Nope. Just the final four all sitting around the breakfast table trying to guess what Rachel and Rebekah’s checks are worth. Rachel is worried she’s playing for a buck. At what point in the game did she get completely sidetracked and believe she was playing for something else? Does her bedroom have a blacklight in it and she cheated? Worrying about one another’s check is just about the dumbest thing you can worry over in a game like this. I mean, c’mon ladies. Like Jordan’s going to walk into the room and give you any reason to think you’ll have the chance to find out how much your check is worth. Like, for sure. Wait. Here’s Jordan now. I wonder if he’s gonna tell them “the game is about to change”?
-I’m…I’m…I’m stunned. Jordan is here to proposition the ladies. No, not for himself. That would require him being physically attracted to the female race. Not happening. No, he first tells them that all of the $1 million checks are gone, but each of them will have an opportunity to trade in their check for a mystery checks. To which he then reveals a case of four mystery checks- two worth $1, and two worth $1 million. Ooooohhhhh goodie. Of course, one at a time, each of these four scavengers comes up to the case, and each of the four women choose to swap their check for the mystery check. The money-grubbing whores have now shown their true colors.
-Andrea gets ridiculed by everyone for swapping, since she already knew she was playing for $250,000 yet still took a chance on getting $1 million check. Why weren’t the others ridiculed? If they were all strictly playing for Preston, what would taking a chance at a million matter? They all should be ripped for it. Oh, you mean they aren’t sincere and some women actually are attracted more towards money than the man? Really? I’ve never heard of such a thing. I don’t know what to say. This can’t be happening. Someone file a complaint to NBC right now. They’ve completely misled the viewing audience into thinking that these actresses were blown away by Presto’s charm, wit, personality, and freaky facial structure. Bastards. Can I run to my room crying right now?
-Commercial. “I, Robot” starring Will Smith comes out in mid-July. Please tell me this will be nothing like “Artificial Intelligence”. Please. Also, you know this movie would’ve for certain come out over the 4th of July holiday if it weren’t for “Spiderman 2” already about to shatter every holiday record known to mankind. There are three guarantee’s in life: Death, taxes, and that Will Smith will be in a summer movie which opens on July 4th weekend. Let’s go down the list shall we? “Men in Black I & II”, “Independence Day”, “Enemy of the State”, and “Wild, Wild West”. I’m sure I’m forgetting one. So it looks like Toby Maguire has temporarily knocked Big Willie Style off his 4th of the July perch. No biggie. He’ll just move it back a couple weeks.
-As we come back, Jordan has one more big surprise for us. If he doesn’t stop with the surprises, I think the last surprise will be they’ve set the record for most times a game show has changed the rules over a 5-week span. If we weren’t already confused about who knows what and who knows what the other thinks they know about what the other person knows, in comes Preston with his gay caballero cowboy shirt on. The rodeo’s in town and Preston’s leading the charge. About ten sizes too small and a red rhinestone design across the top. Just screams “sexy hunk of a man” if you ask me.
-Anyway, Jordan tells Preston that he is no longer in control of the game. And neither are the girls. It’s a level playing field now. All four girls took new checks that they don’t know the value of, and neither does Preston. All any of them know is that two of them are for a million, and two of them are for a buck. Good luck, chumps. Great. So what have we been doing for the last 3 weeks or so? Thanks for teasing us. What fun is it if no one knows how much they’re playing for and no one has the upper hand? SOMEBODY has to have the upper hand in the relationship, don’t they? Isn’t that how relationships work? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
-Jordan tells Rachel and Rebekah that the fantasy dates are about to begin, and immediately pack their bikini’s because they’re headed to Cabo San Lucas. I wonder if that’s all they were allowed to pack? It should’ve been. That would’ve made for a more interesting fantasy date. And maybe I’m wrong about this, but last season they never went on fantasy dates, did they? If they did, it wasn’t anywhere near Cabo. I don’t remember Erin and Lawyer Dork going anywhere close to a romantic getaway. Another thing they decided to steal from the “Bachelor”. Not good.
-On the way to the airport in the limo, Preston calls Rachel and Rebekah his two his “two $1 girls”, since they each previously owned $1 checks. Then he follows it up with two words that should never be uttered by this whiteboy: “Holla! Holla!” Why not just start raisin’ the roof while you’re at it, Presto? Or maybe yelling out “Booyah!” Or how about just commenting on the chicks nice “bling bling” they got goin’ on? It was at this point that spewing out the chicken fajitas I just had for dinner actually sounded like a good idea.
-Rachel is hounding Preston the whole limo ride to the airport about…well….nothing really. Rebekah’s just sitting back listening to Rachel steal the conversation. Rebekah: “I was getting sick in the car just listening to her. I didn’t want to be there.” Makes two of us, sweetie. Why are you letting Rachel be the Preston hog? Why does she get to hog him while you just sit there? Speaking of hogs, why don’t you just reach for his, and maybe she’ll shutup. It’s your only hope at this point, or this blabbermouth will keep yapping away. Ah hah, I see Rebekah’s strategy. She’s letting Rachel dig her own grave. Or so we thought….
-Once they get to the beach in Cabo, both these ladies put their bikini’s on, and now the real fun begins. Preston and Rebekah begin frolicking around in the water, splashing each other and doing what all 12 year olds do in the water, while Rachel lays back and gets ignored. Then when done in the water, Preston and Rebekah return to the beach towel all three are laying on and begin to laugh at things that only these two can laugh at. I’m still not sure what was so funny, but these two thought they were at the freakin’ comedy club. Needless to say, Rachel’s not happy. Rachel: “I felt like a 3rd wheel.” I’m guessing when Rachel was a little girl, she didn’t like sharing her toys with anyone either. And if she was playing in the sandbox and someone took her pail, she probably through a hissy fit of epic proportions. Just a read I get on her, that’s all. Nothing else to base this on. Could there be anything worse for a parent or adult to have their kids play in than a sandbox? What good can come out of someone letting their son or daughter play in something that, with just the right amount of water, can turn to mud. Just not something you hope for. Hey, I used to eat mud when I was a kid. I’m sure that made my parents real happy. And I’m sure it has nothing to do with why I am the way I am today.
-As Preston goes to refill the margaritas and get the girls more drunk so he can take advantage of them, a letter is waiting for him and it states that he must send one of the girls home now. The power of editing once again made this decision a no-brainer. They only showed him having fun with Rebekah, they showed Rachel pouting the whole date, they showed Preston and Rebekah whooping it up like they were a comedy team while Rachel sat by idly, yet, Preston chooses Rachel to stay and Rebekah to get her ass off the island. Makes sense. If this wasn’t the first sign of things to come on Elimination Night, then nothing was.
-Rebekah is just as surprised as most of us aren’t. Rebekah: “Him picking Rachel to stay was like a slap in the face. Rachel was miserable the whole time. Maybe if I acted like a party-pooping crybaby, I would’ve stayed.” Maybe. But you didn’t, and that’s why you’re going home. Haven’t you realized yet that Preston isn’t interested in a hot little number like yourself? Of course you haven’t. He wants drama queens with insecurity issues and baggage. Sorry Rebekah. You’re just not his type.
-Preston: “I was going to pick the girl who I thought was sold on me, and that’s Rachel.” She’s got him fooled. Her plan must be working. This guy must literally be approaching Rob the Boring Dork Lawyer in IQ points. I know the editing is making Rachel look worse than she probably is, but is he completely clueless, or just partially? Who acts like that and gets away with it besides spoiled brats? This game is beginning to turn out a lot like I predicted.
-When Rebekah came back to the house, she was greeted by Andrea and PJ. Well, actually she jumped into Andrea’s arms and straddled her while PJ just kind of stood there. Was this straddling really necessary? Just because she didn’t get any action out in Cabo, did she have to come home and immediately start in with Andrea? I mean, I’m not complaining in the least bit. In fact, I wish they would’ve shown what led up to this straddling, and what possibly happened after this act of bisexualism, but c’mon. It seemed a bit much. She was gone for a day. Couldn’t have missed her that much, could she? Anyway, the three girls then went into the kitchen and gossiped about Rachel while stuffing their faces with ice cream. Nothing like a good pint of Ben & Jerry’s to drown your sorrows in. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough from Ben & Jerry’s is the best creation ever. If I’m ever down in the dumps, running to the store and picking up a pint of that, then coming home curling up under the blanket, popping in “Beaches” and sobbing til’ the wee hours of the morning is some of the best times I’ve ever had. Uhhhh…..woops.
-Back at Rachel’s hypnotizing session with Preston, Rachel reveals to us she has a decision to make. Rachel: “I need to figure out if I’m choosing him or the money.” No sh**? That’s what your choice is? Crazy. Are you sure you’re able to let this out of the bag? Will the producers get upset at you for this? And how come 48 hours ago, you said you were fed up with Preston and you were strictly here for the money? Gee, a guy pays a little attention to you, and all the sudden you’re attracted to him. Is that how easy it is? I should try that sometime.
-Preston: “If Rachel’s playing me, she’s doing a good job. Oscar-worthy.” This guy’s as sharp as a beach ball, isn’t he? Oscar-worthy as in “Kathy-Bates-in-‘Misery’” Oscar-worthy? Or Oscar-worthy as in “Anything-with-Anna-Nicole-Smith-in-it” Oscar-worthy? Maybe I’m just reading her wrong, but is Rachel doing that convincing of a job towards liking him? Seems like the only thing she’s doing right is letting him suck on her tongue when he wants to.
-Commercial. “Catwoman” opening in theatres soon. Now, this is going to open up a can of worms. Why does Halle Berry get this part? Just because she won an Oscar for “Monster’s Ball”, she’s now getting all the good stuff? “Gothika”? Please. C’mon, we all know the only reason she won Best Actress. That scene where she was taking it from Billy Bob Thornton like it was the last sex she’s ever get. Good god. Whoever can act like they find Billy Bob Thornton that desirable definitely deserves an Oscar in my book. He’s the most disgusting man on the planet. I still think Michelle Pfeiffer should’ve been given the “Catwoman” role since she played it in the original “Batman”. Well, that and the fact that I just watched “Grease 2” again this weekend and need more Michelle Pfeiffer in my life. But not “old” Michelle Pfeiffer. I want the “Stephanie-Zinone-high-school-‘Cool-Rider’-straddle-the-ladder-Queen-of-the-Wani-Ke-Lani-Luau” Michelle Pfeiffer. Is that possible? No? Ok, thank you. I’ll go crawl back in my hole now.
-When the limo comes to pick up PJ and Andrea for their fantasy date, Rachel and Preston are still making out in the backseat in full view of the two ladies waiting. That was very classy. I’m sure that wasn’t planned at all. Very classy by these two perverts. I’m sure PJ and Andrea liked nothing more than to jump right in the backseat and get their date started, huh? How about sitting right in the same spot where Rachel’s bodily juices are still visible? Was that appropriate? Didn’t think so.
-Regardless, these two are headed to Lake Tahoe. In the limo ride, Andrea will play the role of Rachel and be the complete flirt grabbing all the attention while PJ will play the role of Rebekah and sit back to just watch. Lake Tahoe’s nice and all, but damn these two got the short end of the stick on this one. Cabo or Lake Tahoe? Lake Tahoe or Cabo? Tough call. Maybe it’s just that I’m not a big fan of the cold. And oh yeah, I like bikini’s.
-Preston pulls Andrea aside on their alone time to talk about……Rachel. That’s never a good sign. So Andrea realizing her chances to win now are down to slim and none, just immediately becomes the town crier. She throws Rachel under the bus any chance she can get telling him she’s not here for the right reasons, she’s not into him, blah blah blah all the while thinking this is working in her favor. When all of us know that anytime the main person in question asks you about someone else in the house, as much as you want to make them look bad, it’s always best to keep your mouth shut and talk about yourself. Andrea didn’t study her “Bachelor 5” season with Trish. Bad girl.
-PJ’s turn for some alone time, and she does a 180 compared to Andrea. Preston asks her about the other girls, and she’s plays it a little more straight. She does say Rachel “is very outspoken and sometimes doesn’t think before she speaks”, but that’s about it. She chooses to say nothing about Andrea since she hates her. PJ comes across as the innocent nice girl when really she’s a naughty, dirty girl who likes it as many times in one night as possible. Ok, I made that part up but it sounded good.
-Back at the house, Rachel wants to apologize to Rebekah about the way she acted in Cabo, and Rebekah wants none of it. Back and forth, back and forth these two went and it was frankly driving me crazy. Rebekah saying she thinks Rachel’s is deceitful, Rachel saying she hasn’t tried to deceive anyone etc. On and on and on and on these two went and the only thing I kept asking myself was, “Are Rachel’s real or fake”? Certain outfits and dresses they looked real. But in that bikini, they looked fake. “Real or Fake” is one my favorite family games to play. Try it next time you’re out at the bar. Remember though, children under the age of 15 are now allowed to play. Unless of course they’ve been surgically enhanced, then they’re fair game.
-Back in Tahoe, Preston has another letter waiting for him, and he’s no dummy, he’s knows what’s coming. Preston: “Once I saw that note, I knew exactly what it would say.” Good thing you did cuz’ I was on the edge of my seat not knowing what on God’s green earth that would reveal. But once you told me you already knew what it would say, then by golly, that made me much more relaxed. Thank you Preston for calming my nerves. You’re the greatest.
-Standing out in the freezing cold, Preston and his red nose asks PJ to stay. This didn’t sit well with calm, cool, collected Andrea. Andrea: “I’m shocked……I possess everything Preston’s looking for in a girl.” Except looks, personality, sense of humor, blonder roots…..should I continue or just stop now? What would possess someone who dropped her ring in hopes to get a bigger check to possibly say she has everything Preston’s looking for in a girl?
-Preston and PJ head up to the log cabin for some nice conversation by the fire. PJ (to Preston): "Preston and PJ. That sounds good. Has a nice ring to it.” Awwwww christ. Here we go again. Just because people’s names start with the same letter, doesn’t mean it sounds good together. Weren’t the two Jesse’s saying this a month ago about their names? Look where those two wound up. On opposite coasts. Funny thing is, “US Weekly” reported this week that Jesse & Jesse still have a vacation planned together with Jenny Spy and her husband Nick in the Bahamas sometime next month. You talk about friends with benefits. Props to you guys. I guess that’s what the “Bachelor” has become. Giving one lucky man the opportunity to meet and establish as many “friends with benefits” as possible.
-The intimate setting that Preston and PJ were in could only lead to one thing: him laying her down and swallowing her tongue as the fire burnt in the background. PJ: “The warm cozy fireplace surrounded by pillows was very romantic.” Honey, it was your pillows that Preston was more interested in. And I’m sure he fluffed them more than once. I really can’t help myself sometimes. Really. I can’t. I’m sorry.
-Commercial. I know she’s been doing this for a while, but Sarah Jessica Parker is hocking Garnier Hair Coloring. Not that I disapprove or anything, but it just got me to thinking: Is her career headed in a complete nosedive now that “Sex and the City” is over? Where are we going to see her again? She’s had three defining roles in her career: As the nerd on “Square Pegs”, the catholic dancing girl in “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”, and as Carrie in “Sex and the City”. Screw the “Sex and the City” movie. Can we get a “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” sequel? Who cares if it’s 20 years later? Jonathon Silverman needs some work people. What an all-star cast: Sarah Jessica Parker, Helen Hunt, Jonathon Silverman, Shannen Doherty, and Richard Blade. And oh yeah, that guy that played SJP’s dancing partner Jeff. His career took off after that movie. Maybe in the sequel, they’re part of a travelling dance troupe who performs at risque sex shows as backup dancers. Ok, I’ve completely lost it.
-Andrea’s arrives back at the house after getting the boot and heads out to the pool to meet up with Rachel and Rebekah. Wow. Andrea has put on her stripper outfit for us. She’s got the bikini on, that’s not the stripper part. No, the stripper part would be the skirt made of the chiffon material. Or it could just be a very light linen she has on (No, I asked my roommate on that one). Either way, if Preston was poolside, I’m sure a $20 lap dance would’ve been in order. I wonder what her stage name is? “Comin’ the stage right now fellas, put your hands together for the lovely Candy”. I remember one time having a “conversation” with a self-employed dancer named “Candy” and just asked her out of curiosity why she chose to use that name on stage. Her reply: “Because I’m sweet like candy.” The Rhodes scholarship really missed out on this one.
-When PJ arrived back from her date, Rebekah jumps and straddles her too. This is getting way too intense for me. Either show us what led to all this girl-on-girl action or don’t show anything at all. I don’t need these little teases. Anyway, the girls grill PJ on her alone time, and she reveals nothing. PJ: “We went to bed about 10:30.” Translation: We were hittin’ it all night long. Who admits they go to bed at 10:30 when they have time alone with a man? Please. C’mon PJ, they’ll see right through that.
-Elimination Night. No frills, no thrills, just business as usual…..
Andrea: “Had a good time with you….you’re real sweet….upfront with me….but I’ve built more trust with the others….gonna have to ask for the ring back.” Andrea: “I’ve been the most upfront with Preston. Maybe he could have an ulterior motive.” Yes, and it’s not to leave his decision in your hands. Go home.
-At this point, Jordan steps in, walks right up to Preston like he’s about to either kiss him or give his ring back, and says he has some bad news for us. Well, considering if you read the paper yesterday morning and looked in the TV section, the description for the show said, “2 of the 4 remaining women get eliminated”. So hearing Jordan tease us with the “bad news” wasn’t all too suspenseful. But they kept us waiting through the commercial break.
-Commercial. Sarah Jessica Parker hocks Garnier Hair Coloring, now Jewel is doing “Feria”. Which I think is hair coloring also. I couldn’t really pay attention to the commercial due to the fact I’m still fixated on this chick’s snaggletooth she has. All this money she’s made, all these albums she’s sold, and she can’t afford one quick trip to the dentist? Hell, she obviously has her plastic surgeon on speed dial the way she had her breasts done up. Can’t she sit at the orthodontist for a couple sessions so he can fix that thing shooting out the top of her gums?
-Jordan’s news, of course, is that Preston has to eliminate one other person tonight. Here goes nothing….
PJ: “Most honest….shows me character…loved playing with your pillows…will you keep your ring?”
Rebekah: “Good time getting to know you (never a good sign)…this is so much about timing….I’m making my decision based on who I spent the most time with…gonna have to ask for the ring back you hot little number….”
Rachel: Said something about how the other girls hate her, they all threw her under the bus and questioned her intentions, and that he still liked her despite the fact no one who’s appeared on this show has had one nice thing to say about her whatsoever.
-Rebekah’s new check was worth $1 again, and Andrea’s was for $1 million. So we’re down to the final two next week, and it’s the two most opposite girls he could’ve possibly picked: PJ & Rachel. I’ll still go with my prediction that Rachel gets picked, chooses the money, then “For Love or Money 4” is about her trying to find love. Or whatever it is she’s after. Can you see a 7-week show focused around PJ? Me neither. And from what I gathered, the season finale is not two hours long. Thank God. Is there any way to shorten it to 15 minutes before they throw seven more twists in? Until next week….
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