6.7.04
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THE BACHELOR 5 LINKSFOR LOVE OR MONEY LINKS
6.7.04
Boy, this show really picked up where it left off, didn’t it? When we last left “For Love or Money”, over the course of two shows there were probably about 57 different twists and turns to the show. I think that was the total in just last night’s opener. Holy smokes. I wasn’t ready for that. But it was damn good. And how about being down to six chicks after one episode? God, could they make this any more interesting right off the bat? This is going to be good. I read where NBC ordered 12 episodes this summer of “For Love or Money”. There’s no way they could possibly make 6 girls last another 11 episodes, can they? I think we might be on to another sequel once this one ends. Checking back on last season, Rob’s “For Love or Money” was only six episodes long as well. Hmmm….we could be on to something here. Let’s begin….
-They added a real cheesy opening montage to this show with crappy music and headshots of the girls. C’mon NBC. That can’t possibly be your answer to ABC’s montage of seagulls in the sunset, and the silhouette of a couple walking on the beach that we see in the “Bachelor” now is it? Not even close. Plus, ABC’s has funkier, more hip background music playing. Man, I already miss Jesse squared. I wonder how they’re doing? The New York Post reported over the weekend that Jesse Palmer was seen getting girls numbers after leaving a bar. So how are those NY law school applications coming Jessica?
-So we see the girls arriving at the house, and NBC gives each chick about 4 seconds to introduce themselves and tell us something that we don’t care about. Like, why they’re here. We know why you’re here. To add this to your resume so that someday, you can have thirty minutes of fame instead of fifteen. I’m not gonna go through all sixteen girls right off the bat, but here were the ones that made an impression to me….
Jamie: good looking girl. Kind of a miniature version of our Jessica from the “Bachelor”. Except her skin looked a tad more orange. Cute girl though. She’ll definitely be around a bit.
Monica: she’s 21 years old, but says she’s mature for her age. She says she’s already had as many life experiences as some 30 year olds. Whoa. Hey now. Well excuse me, Ms. Big Shot. You have? Really? You’re like, soooooo cool then. Glad you elaborated on what types of experiences these were. I was dying to hear. In case you haven’t noticed, people who make themselves sound more important than they really are, well, they’re never around more than one episode. Add this to your laundry list of life experiences, Monica. We’ll see you on “Blind Date” or something I’m sure.
Rachel: the girl the show has been hyping since the previews started. And she didn’t disappoint. She says she treats men great, and that she’s “great in bed”. That’s always a plus. Ding! Ding! Ding! Gee, and I wonder why NBC focused on her immediately? Rachel looks like a combination of Alicia Silverstone and Sissy Spacek. Kind of an odd combination. But think about it. Squish those two heads together, and you’d get Rachel.
Melayne: well, what dating show hasn’t included the all-important, never-lasting virgin? Melayne is our token virgin for this season, which means Melayne has no chance of winning a damn thing. And Melayne spells her nameall jacked up too. Don’t like it. Strike two, girl. If you just could’ve looked less hotter than you were, you would’ve struck out 5 minutes into the show.
Beth: said something really interesting when she mentioned, “I’ve always been the other girl in a relationship. This time, I want to be THE girl.” Uhhhhh….does anyone know what this means? So, basically she’s the girl the guy calls when he wants some ass and is bored with his girlfriend? Got it. Beth, I’m sorry. You may take your check and throw it in the fire.
Tiniesha: well, what dating show hasn’t included the all-important, never-lasting black woman? Tiniesha is our token black woman this season, which means Tiniesha has no chance of winning a damn thing. Some things never fail in reality dating shows. A virgin never wins. A black person lasts about as long as a black person in a horror movie does. And “For Love or Money” brings in boring guys to be its “bachelor” (more on Preston later).
PJ: I immediately thought PJ was interesting because she was tall, she was blonde, rather attractive, and seemed to have a great personality. Ok, I’m kidding. There’s only one reason PJ caught my attention. Her name rhymes with BJ. Sorry. Can’t help it. What? I’m a guy. Yeah, like I’m the only one who thought that. Then again, I probably was since I’m the only dude even watching this show.
-Hey everyone! It’s our good friend, Jordan! So good to see him again. He’s lookin’ fit and fiddle. Someone Clooney’d his hair, but other than that, he looks as gay as he did last season. Outstanding. Great to have ya’ back, pal. So he brings the girls into the dining room, and tells them they're either her for love, or for money. I’m guessing unless these wannabe actresses have been living under a rock since last summer, they know exactly what’s involved in this show. An uninteresting bachelor to chase, a feminine host, and elimination ceremonies standing out in the freezing cold.
-Ah hah. But here’s our first twist. They’re checks are blank. They range anywhere from $1 to $1,000,000, and they will never know how much their check is for. The only way they’ll ever find out how much their check is worth, is if they’re dumped, or if Preston chooses them in the end. They see the checks are blank, but when put under a black light, we see how much each is worth. Oooooohhhh. Nothing like the use of black lighting on this show. I’ve always asked myself, “Why don’t more shows incorporate the black lighting?” But those brainiacs at NBC must’ve read my mind. Either they went down to the local rave and stole it off the ceiling, or some NBC big wig yanked one out of the champagne room at Cheetah’s in Vegas. So I’ve been told. Never been. Wouldn’t know.
-Commercial. Can’t wait until the end of the month. “Spiderman 2” is coming out. Not that I care about the actual movie at all and I’m some sort of Spiderman buff. The only thing I’m interested in this movie is how many guys Kirsten Dunst gets to sleep with. I mean, in the first one, she set a cinema record for banging the most guys in a 100 minute span. When the movie started she was with that one dude, then she hopped on the Green Goblin’s son, then she upside down kissed with Spiderman in the alley way while the pouring rain soaked her shirt and we got to see her dripping wet dress, and finally she topped it all off by professing her love to Peter Parker. Slut. Is there anyone left for you to tease, Mary Jane?
-Back in the mansion, Jordan Clooney mixes up the checks, so the girls don’t know which checks have which dollar amount assigned to them. The girls actually thought they’d get to walk up and grab the checks after just seeing the prices on them. Dolts. Not so fast. Clooney needs to take them and shuffle them around like he’s a freakin’ magician. Hey, that’s what JC could definitely pass as. A magician. They’re all have that aura about them that screams “completely-and-utterly-sexually-confused”, don’t they?
-The ladies will be meeting their knight in shining armor that night, so it’s time for the proverbial, “let’s-show-the-women-getting-ready-for-the-ball” scenes. Now, once again, here’s where I got confused. Practically all of the ladies were putting on their makeup after their dresses were already on. Don’t most of you put make-up on beforehand? What’s the protocol on this? Why can’t this be different? Why can’t you all do it the same so I’m not so confused all the time? Come to think of it, I don’t know a damn thing about the opposite sex.
-Time to meet our bachelor. Mr. Preston Mercer. He owns his own mortgage company (Shocker. Perfect. Another Bob Guiney on our hands), and in his free time, he hangs and drinks beers with his buddies, fly fishes, golfs, and ski’s. The All-American boy. And if you really look closely, you’ll see that Preston Mercer actually came about when NBC producers morphed Andrew Firestone and Jesse Palmer together.
-So it’s time for the ladies to meet Preston. Not all of the sixteen entrances were that exciting. But some were…..
PJ: he gave her like one of those guys handshake hugs, where you shake with one hand then hug with the other arm. Bizarro. Uhhh huh huh…huh huh huh…huh huh….her name is PJ.
Jamie: she’s wearing a sparkly blue dress that definitely draws Preston’s attention. But not nearly as attractive as her dress was her job title: Manager of a lingerie store. I think she could be here a while. I don’t think there’s such a thing as an ugly piece of lingerie. Maybe women might think there are some ugly outfits. Nope. Not us. You could bring home a top and bottom made out of newspapter and aluminum foil and we’d get excited.
Johanna: this girl looks like Mimi Rogers. Tom Cruise’s first wife. Or fake wife since we all know which side of the plate he swings from. Eleven years with Nicole and not one child conceived? C’mon. That’s all you need to know. That and Nicole likes women. Why do I find it so fascinating to find out celebrities are gay? I live for that sh** and I have no idea why.
Beth: Preston: “When I saw Beth, I immediately noticed her physique.” Translation: Beth had a great rack.
Ali: the only girl to give Presto a kiss on the cheek. Awwww…how sweet. Presto the Magician seems likable at this point, he’s just putting me to sleep. I thought Rob was bad last season. This guy doesn’t do anything for me. Then again, I guess he’s not supposed to since I like females.
Heather: first thing she does is ask Preston how old he is. Preston: “I’m 25.” Heather: “I’m 33.” Preston: “That’s ok. Age is just a number. I’ve dated quite a few women older than me.” Translation: See ya, moms. As Heather leaves, even she knows she’s gone. Heather: “He’s 25. I’m goin’ home. Guaranteed.”
Andrea: last blonde girl in a what seems like a swarm of blondes. I think he likes her. I think he likes everyone so far. Preston is so nice. And plain. And lame. There better be some catfights this season.
-Next morning, Preston comes over and makes dinner with all sixteen girls. Well, except for two who were outside gossiping and didn’t make it down in time, Heather and somone else. Heather was blabbering away about how she’s 33, she feels like cuz’ she’s the oldest, she’s going home. And at her age, you only get one shot, and she doesn’t play games……shutup, already. Of course you’re not long for this game, and it has nothing to do with your age. There are fifteen girls better looking than you. There’s your first problem. And the fact that when you were graduating high school, Preston had just finished mastering long division. Two reasons why you need to leave now.
-They show Preston at breakfast with the ladies for no more than two minutes. They never show him speaking with anyone alone, they just show the girls asking him questions at the breakfast table, him not answering anything, then him leaving. And he’s eliminating six girls tonight. Or as I like to call it, the “I-Don’t-Know-Sh**-About-You-You’re-Just-Not-Hot-Enough” Elimination.
-The six girls eliminated at the first ceremony, along with their dollar figure they were playing for…..
Johanna: the mini Mimi Rogers is gone. So is the $1 million she was after. Woops. Sucks to be you.
Beth: her and her rack must exit stage left along with the $250K she missed out on.
Heather: her tired 33 year old ass must get to steppin’ now. But she was only playing for a $1 so I guess all that crying and whining and blabbering didn’t matter at all.
Meredith: I think she got booted for those god awful cargo pants she was wearing to the ceremony. Who dressed her anyway?
Lauren: I don’t remember a damn thing about her other than she was playing for $200K.
Melody: She got booted because of the horrible highlights in her hair and the fact that her shower nozzle spit out glitter. A couple dabs isn’t bad, but geez. Easy there, stripper. Hope that was worth possibly losing $50K over.
-Couple side notes about some of the women remaining. Jamie had a dress on I’ve never seen before. Considering she works in a lingerie store though, it made all the sense in the world. It was basically a dress that was mostly backless, but the straps down in the lower back made it look like a thong was showing. Sexy. Me likey.
-And Rachel was wearing what looked like something Adidas gave her. Tight, black, body suit-type dress with those famous Adidas two white stripes down the side. Weird. But when they left her as one of the final two, you knew she wasn’t going anywhere considering all the commercial time they’ve given her. Kind of anti-climactic.
-Commercial. Another season of “Who Wants to Marry My Dad?” starts in two weeks. Couple things I’ve heard: They put a mole in the house. The mole is the dad’s sister. Very original concept. Who thought of something as innovative as having a mole live with the other contestants? Genius. Pure genius. And this guy has no sons. Just three hot daughters who will eventually choose his future wife. Three daughters who have to choose from fifteen women vying for their father’s heart. I don’t know, this might be out of left field, but do you think there’ll be much crying in these episodes?
-After his first elimination, Preston goes into the private room to get his first surprise. Awaiting him is Jordan. He tells him Preston is actually vying for his love, and he wants to be swept and humped like a…..woops. Got carried away there. Preston meets Jordan and is told he will get to know what each girl is playing for. The breakdown goes like this…..(I will be expecting you to all remember these dollar figures by next week as there will be a test)
Ali: $1,000,000
Jamie: $250,000
Rebekah: $1
PJ: $50,000
Tiniesha: $1,000,000
Leslie: $1,000,000
Monica: $1
Andrea: $500,000
Melayne: $100,000
Rachel: $1
-At breakfast the next morning, this turns into the Jordan Clooney show. How much airtime is this guy gonna get? Geez. He’s everywhere this episode. He must’ve really strong armed the producers for some extra air time this season. Granted, the guy automatically gets to appear a lot because of the 147 different twists he has to explain, but this is ridiculous for a first episode. They are overworking Jordan. All this TV time is making him a wanted man all across America. By other men.
-Twist #2. Ten girls left, 10 boxes sitting at the breakfast table, 1 box containing a silver heart. Whoever chooses that box must pick which three girls DO NOT get to go on a date with Preston and have to stay home. Rebekah and her Lee Press-On nails pulls the silver heart. She has to choose which three girls don’t get a date based on knowing these chicks for 48 hours. The waterworks have already started. Rebekah: “Do I have to choose now?” No, in a couple weeks darling. We’re just gonna waste time while you contemplate this. The three girls she picks and her lame reasons….
Leslie: “Only because you got to talk to him yesterday.” Didn’t everyone talk to him yesterday?
Jamie: “Only because you’re so damn cute.” Oh please. She may be, but you gotta think of better reasons than this honey. Tell her because you disapprove of her orange skin.
Rachel: “I don’t know why?” That’s more like it, even though you’re a liar. Everyone’s on to Rachel. They all know what she’s about: money. Rebekah just couldn’t tell her that to her face.
-Twist #3: By leaving those three girls out, now one of them gets a chance to get the first solo date with the Magician. Leslie, Jamie, and Rachel will each write Presto a poem. Whichever one he likes best, not knowing who wrote which one, will get the first alone date. Great. This show’s got it all now. We get to hear poems. Brilliant. Although, I’m sure it’ll make for some damn good entertainment.
-Rachel’s upstairs crying under the sheets because she’s upset Rebekah couldn’t give her an answer as to why she picked her. Rachel: “I feel everybody hates me. My goal in this now is the money. I don’t even think Preston likes me.” This Rachel/Omarosa/Trish girl is something else. It’s all about her. A woman who wants all the attention on her and everyone to adjust to the world she’s living in. Imagine that?
-First group date is a real good one. Melayne, Ali, the BJ, and Tiniesha all get to make a long trip out to the backyard where they’ll ride the stationary bike. Yeah, you talk about 2nd rate show. Jesse’s first group date was at least in a park to play football and make out with some girls. These five get to work out in the backyard. Are these producers working on a per diem here? What kind of date is this? Although, I must say, the producers more than made up for it when they gave us the proverbial ass shots when these chicks were on the bikes. We just didn’t get faces with asses so I couldn’t tell who was who. Oh well. I’m sure I’ll get over it never.
-Apparently since he liked her ass the best, Presto pulls the BJ aside for some alone time. The Beej tells him that she’s led a sheltered life so far and wants to explore new things. Oh, I bet she does. And Preston found that “kinda cute. I really liked her innocence.” Those are the best ones sometimes. The real quiet, innocent, introverted types that end up being the loudest, horniest, and outgoing in the sack. So I’m told.
-Commercial. By no means am I a very political person. Hell, I don’t know if I’ve ever given one political opinion in any of these columns. And goes without saying. I don’t really have many. But it was very sad to hear that former pres Ronald Reagan took the “L” this past weekend. I mean, this was the President when I was going through puberty. This was the leader of our country as I was developing into the mature, upstanding, adult you’ve come to read before you. It was still sad to see him go though. And I think we’ll all agree it was about time. The guy was 93 years old, and he’s been hiding his own Easter eggs for years. No more. Enough was enough. I’m glad he went in peace. Godspeed (I’ve never understood what that meant, but it sounded like the right thing to say. Especially after that Easter egg crack I just made. It’s all in good spirits).
-The 2nd group date was ripped straight from “Average Joe”. Andrea, Monica, and Rebekah get to play basketball with Preston. The actual playing wasn’t nearly the importance of this date. Just like seeing the girls in their workout clothes was the premise of the first group date, this one was to put these three girls in the tightest basketball shorts and tank top imaginable and watch them bounce around on the court. And they played basketball too. And for three chicks who couldn’t play basketball worth a lick, they sure were excited to play, weren’t they? Do women usually lift one leg up like a dog when hugging a guy? I’ve never really noticed that. I guess then again I probably should’ve since I’m usually looking down in that direction while giving a hug. Except it’s not the feet I’m looking at. Whaaaaaaaat? I love the small of women’s backs.
-Preston: “Andre has a real nice stomach.” And you wonder why she was the only one in a cut off top. Hmmmm…didn’t see that one coming, did ya’? So since all three girls are smoking in their little tight uni’s, Preston decides whoever makes a free throw will get some alone time. Andrea and Monica throw up bricks that make Shaq look like a 95% shooter. Then Rebekah went and after either 100 shots, or some fine editing, she “made” her next one. And I use that word loosely cuz’ all we saw was the ball leaving her hands, then a shot of the rim where the ball went in at an angle and speed that didn’t seem possible based off that horrible form Rebekah displayed, but whatever. Someone had to make one eventually I guess, so they let it be Rebekah. I’m guaranteeing that take took about 7 hours for one of those girls to drop one.
-In the limo ride back, Andrea wasn’t too happy with Monica’s flirting. She thought Monica tried too hard. Monica: “I can put my legs behind my head.” Tried too hard? With that comment? Not at all, Andrea. Hey, this girl’s obviously here to win. Andrea should’ve just followed that up with, “Oh yeah. Well, I once had twelve orgasms in the span of 20 minutes.” Win at all costs, ladies. Win at all costs.
-Time to pick the best poem to see who gets the first one-on-one date. Although that hideous sweater/carpet/vest that Preston’s wearing should be chick repellant enough as it is. Someone unfortunately has to go out with him looking like that. He chooses Rachel’s poem. Surprise! Didn’t see that one coming either. They start strolling down on the beach. Rachel tells Preston she liked his lips, his eyes, and his teeth when she first saw him. They hold hands, they kiss, he’s hooked on her, and she drops a bomb to the camera. Rachel: “Guys love it when you tell them that…..Just fall for me….That’s all I need….” So I guess anytime anyone tells me I have nice eyes, I guess I shouldn’t believe them anymore. Huh. Interesting. Didn’t know that. I’ll keep that in mind. So, the more compliments I get, the less interested the girl is? I’m getting it now. Reverse psychology.
-When Rachel gets home from the date, the girls corner her and ask her if she kissed Preston, which of course she denies. Then they basically all call her a liar behind her back and every one of them thinks she’s still in it for the money. Rachel has officially become the Trish of the household, they all hate her, and she knows it. Good. The claws are starting early on this show.
-Elimination Night. Preston tells us he’s going to keep the girls he could fall in love with, or who he thinks could fall in love with him. So last season, the girls were in control from the start because they knew what they were playing for, and Rob wasn’t. The tables are turned this time. The girls don’t know what they’re playing for, AND they don’t think Preston even knows they’re even playing for a chance at money, let alone knowing what each girl’s check is worth. Got it? Didn’t think so…..
Rachel: staying. Good.
Melayne: virgin. Goodbye. The streak is still intact. She was playing for $100K.
PJ: stay. Of course. With that name.
Leslie: no chemistry. See ya’ to her and her $1,000,000 check. Ouch.
Rebekah: apparently because she can make a free throw, she sticks around.
Tiniesha: black girl. Goodbye. The streak is still intact. And she was playing for $1,000,000. Double whammy.
Andrea: staying.
Jamie: I can’t get her black thong evening dress out of my head. Very sexy.
Ali: staying. Only girl left with a $1,000,000 check.
Monica: gonzo. She tells him it’s something he’ll regret. And she’s right. Remember, this is gymnast chick who can throw her legs behind her head. How can you go wrong there? His loss. I guess. Her check was only $1.
-After the ladies leave, Clooney walks into the room and tells them another big twist awaits them as the show sings off. I knew that’s what I remembered loving about this show. It’s like “24”, except with bad acting, bad editing, and more catfights. Every episode always leaves with a cliffhanger twist. The twist next week is I guess each girl is offered a chance to exchange checks with someone. There are a million different things that could entail. Great, juicy stuff that I can’t wait a week for. Someone get me the advanced copy now. Until then…..
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