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7.5.04
So, going into the finale, I had partially known what was going to happen based on some information I got. I had been sent an email over the weekend that had next week’s TV schedule for NBC. On Monday night, it said “For Love or Money” and the description read that 15 men were arriving at a house looking for love, only to find TWO women looking for a second chance at love. The men would be playing for checks ranging from $1 to $1 million. So in that aspect, I somewhat knew the ending to last night’s show. But it was still interesting, since my first thought was, both PJ and Rachel wouldn’t end up with Preston, and the both of them would be appearing next season. One-for-two isn’t bad. Great. Another six weeks of this mess. And I love every minute of it. Judging by the five minute preview we saw for the upcoming weeks, if you even think for a second I have any clue what the rules are, you’re sorely mistaken. They told us literally fifteen different things about what to expect. More headache. Just what we like. On to the finale…..
-The show opens with the traditional “let’s-let-the-two-finalists-enjoy-a-nice-eggs-and-bacon-and-orange-juice-breakfast-alone-despite-the-fact-they-have-nothing-in-common-and-can’t-stand-each-other”. Ok, maybe it’s not “traditional” since Erin and Paige didn’t hate each other, and I don’t think Chad and Wade hated each other. But nonetheless, that’s where we are with these two. I’m sure they’re deeply saddened this long journey has come to an end and they will no longer have to spend quality time together. These two are no Jessica and Tara. Have you seen these two in every magazine since the “Bachelor” ended? My God. I think THEY’RE dating now. Jessie sure got over Jesse pretty quickly. Sorry. Fantasy.
-After the happy-happy joy-joy breakfast, time for them to move into the living room where another box awaits them. And Jordan. So you know this’ll be full of good news. Another twist maybe? No way. He explains to them what’s going down tomorrow night and what’s going to happen. He says one of them has a check for $1, and one has a check for $1 million. So now they have a 50/50 chance at a million. That’s very good math, Jordie. You get a scratch-n-sniff sticker on your test. Was there a worse scratch-n-sniff flavor than chocolate? You know what it smelled like? The burn from my finger scratching so hard against the paper trying to get it to smell like chocolate. Bad idea. PJ: “I could use $1 million in so many ways.” Rachel: “I’ve never been this close to $1 million in my life.” These two sound clips were thrown in to make us think each of these chicks was into money more than Presto the Magician and his Wacky Forehead. Clue #1 that someone wasn’t going to pick the money over him.
-PJ: “If Preston has been leading me on this whole time….he deserves a Best Actor Award.” Isn’t this like the 3rd time someone’s used that phrase to describe someone’s intentions? Can we switch it up a bit please? The last thing these contestants are good at is acting, so let’s drop it altogether. Thank you.
-Jordan goes on to explain that once Preston makes his choice, it is then up to these ladies to decide between the age old theory: “Are you in it for love? Or are you in it for money?” So dramatic Jordan. Thank you for telling us the show title for the 500th f***in time since it’s began. I forgot all along what we were doing here. Anyway, he then tells them that if the ladies choose love over money, then Preston will make his decision: “Is he in it for love? Or is he in it for money?” Rachel: “I don’t like the fact he has the power now.” Translation: You mean everything’s not going to go my way? This sucks. I’m going to go pout again.
-And I know it’s only been five weeks, but didn’t Jordan tell us all of this once the show began? Why did they make this so dramatic when we all knew that was going to be how it played out? Maybe to add to the drama I guess. Speaking of which, I must commend the NBC producers for only giving us a 1 hour finale. That was nice. Granted, I didn’t start typing until 1:15 am, but that’s another story. There was “Who Wants to Marry my Botox’ed Dad?”, the end of WWE RAW, and some sleep to catch up on. But nonetheless, 60 minutes was much, much better this time, thank you.
-However, there were a couple similarities between this finale and FLOM 1’s finale. The first being that Jordan explained to the ladies, “If you choose the money, you can never see Preston again?” Yeah, like Erin and Lawyer Knob. That lasted a whole two weeks before his ugly mug appeared again. Granted, it wasn’t by her choosing, but still. Why say it if it isn’t true? We didn’t need to be force fed another dose of Rob Campos, unintelligent, dimwitted, nipplebrain lawyer.
-Commercial. Last week we had Garnier and Feria hair coloring products being pitched, now this week I see “Loreal Vive”, which, as it was explained to me so eloquently by my roommate, is a shampoo and conditioner that if you were to use either the Garnier or Feria products, this shampoo and conditioner helps you keep that coloring you’ve done to your hair. Oh thank goodneess for that. Well, I guess that explains why any time you look in a chicks shower you see, at minimum, eight different bottles of goo they throw in their hair. Never understood that until now. A guy’s shower? A soap bar so thin, that somehow he manages to make it last at least a week before he has to go out and buy another one. And some shampoo. That’s it. Soap. Shampoo. No conditioner. No wash cloth. No scrunchie thing we pour our liquid soap onto. We’re pretty simple creatures.
-Preston: “Now it’s time to meet Jordan. Every time I see him it’s either for a twist or something unexpected is going to happen.” And this time was no different. Jordan told Preston he was in love with him, that this whole game was a farce, and it was just a smoke screen so that he could be closer to him. Kidding. That didn’t happen. Jordan wishes it did, but it didn’t. No, this meeting was just so that Jordan could explain the rules to Preston. Didn’t we already go over this? I guess Preston was sleeping through all of Jordan’s previous boring speeches. Pay attention, Presto. The viewing audience doesn’t want to hear this again either.
-Preston: “I could really see myself having a passionate relationship with Rachel, but I can also see a long term commitment with PJ.” Translation: Rachel would be great for a nice sex romp and she has the better body, but PJ is the most logical choice because she’s actually into me. If I could only combine the two.
-Preston arrives at the mansion to have lunch with both ladies, and to have one final make-out session with each of them. PJ is taken away first, which doesn’t sit well with Rachel. Shocker. Rachel: “I am not one that shares. I don’t share with anyone.” Why do I find this hard to believe? She seems like she’d be the type. Not that she’s a complete sexual freak, but definitely could be in the “hey-honey-what-would-think-about-maybe-adding-a-third-member-to-our-bedroom-escapades” category. Guys, you never know unless you ask. Who am I kidding? No guy is reading this. I guess I’m just talking to myself.
-Preston pulls PJ outside and we get hit with a thunderstorm of cheesy lines. However, the only one I was fast enough to write down was from PJ when she said, “I’m ready to step off the ledge. I hope you’re there to catch me.” Translation: Pick me and I promise I won’t take the money……unless by some chance we find out beforehand how much it’s worth and mine happens to be a million, then you’re sh** out of luck, Presto. No guy I’ve known for six weeks is worth more than anything I’ll ever make as an “assistant media buyer.” No idea what that entails.
-Preston: “The chemistry is there with both of them, it’s just a matter of which is stronger. I’m confident PJ would choose me over the money. Rachel is definitely the riskier pick.” Translation: Why can’t Rachel just tell me not only will the sex be great, but she actually wants me too? That’ll make things so much easier for everyone involved. The reserved, sheltered one is nice and all, but Rachel will get freaky deeky.
-Commercial. Why this is running on NBC is beyond me, but I saw a preview for an upcoming show called “Missing” starring Vivica A. Fox. It’s some detective/cop show airing on the “Lifetime” Channel. Wait, so Vivica A. Fox is a lesbian now? I thought she was bangin’ 50 Cent? And I thought it was against “Lifetime” rules and regulations to have a show appear on that network that didn’t have Meredith Baxter Birney or Judith Light in it? Someone’s in trouble. You ever want the holy hell scared out of you about having kids, you just check out Lifetime’s “Movie of the Week” sometime. It’ll inevitably be about one of these three topics: abortion, child abduction, or adoption.
-Preston’s turn to suck up with Rachel now that PJ’s gone. Preston: “When some of the girls talk about the biggest doubter in the house, they say it could be you.” This didn’t sit too well with Rachel. I think she began having dizzy spells, shortness of breath, and uncontrolled muscle twitches. But after realizing that everything everyone in the house was saying about her was true, and Preston was just making a point of it, she calmed down. I mean, we can’t have a complete meltdown here. She still has another seven episodes with us. They don’t want to make her look like too much of a lunatic.
-Rachel: “I want to start something with you. I want to be there with you….and all that stuff.” Rachel definitely seems into Preston. More talk like this, and I think he should start to book a chapel. I mean, at least she’s here for all the right reasons. Let’s give her that much. What exactly does she want to start with him? An unhealthy manipulative relationship? What does “…all that suff” consist of? Like the stuff people do in relationships? Yeah, she’s ready. Preston, go for the ring fittings as soon as possible.
-This is where the benefit of having only an hour finale took place. These “last dates” with both girls lasted maybe a minute each. Great stuff. After Rachel got back, PJ was depressed and Rachel gloated. Here was the 2nd reason why this finale was similar to FLOM 1’s: One of the girls openly said she thought the other would win. PJ: “I’m willing to bet my check on the fact that Preston is going to pick Rachel.” Dead giveaway. When one contestant says that to camera, take it to the bank they’re the ones getting picked. Erin had Paige’s head spinning when she kept telling her dweeb lawyer dork was going to pick her. Made Paige start preparing her acceptance speech.
-We’re already to the morning of the big day, and once again, we get the inevitable shot of both girls getting ready. And I mean, the pre-pre-pre “getting ready” stage, where they’re barely out of bed. We got Rachel brushing her teeth, and PJ contributing to breakdown of the ozone layer by applying a giant can of hairspray to her head. Environmentalists probably weren’t too thrilled with that display. Neither was I. I thought like the pump spray was the way to go nowadays. Looked like she had out the old can of “Aqua Net”. They still make that stuff?
-PJ is crying at breakfast. “Every time I find something I want, it gets stripped away.” Clue #2 that Preston was picking PJ: Now she’s harping on the fact she won’t get picked. So, she really likes this guy? Really? I mean, serious? Good for her. I guess. I just don’t see it. But since this is one of the few shows that has produced a lasting relationship, maybe she’s onto something. Forget the bars, forget the singles clubs, forget the online dating, PJ has come to the realization that the only way to meet a quality guy anymore is to appear on “For Love or Money”.
-PJ is still a wreck. PJ: “I’ve had every emotion today – I’ve gone from mad, to being glad, then I’m sad……” A woman going through fifteen different emotions in one day? Can’t be. Something’s not right here. That never happens. Except every thirty days or so. I’m just shocked she didn’t admit to going through these range of emotions over a span of 3 ½ minutes. I think the all-time record for “Ridiculous and Unexplainable Different Emotions In the Shortest Amount of Time” was twenty-seven over a one minute and forty-two second span. I’ll have to check my diary on that one.
-PJ: “Which dress should I wear? I like this one better.” Was she talking to Rachel here? Or the cameraman? Or herself? Frankly, I didn’t notice a hell of a lot of difference between either one really. However, being the keen observer of detail that I am, I did notice that Rachel’s dress did seem to make her jugs look bigger. That’s what I’m here for. To point out the little things that maybe you people may have overlooked. Or not cared about.
-Jordan greets each girl in the living room one final time. Something just struck me. Rachel hasn’t changed her hairstyle in five weeks. Every time we see her, it’s long and straight. As am I. Ok, enough. That was most definitely uncalled for. You did not need to know that about me. I barely know you. That’s personal, that’s private, and frankly none of your business. Accept my apology. Where was I? Oh yes, Rachel’s hair. Why hasn’t she ever changed her look? At least PJ brought a little variety to the table tonight. If she’s going down, at least she’s going down with it curled. And if she’s going down, let’s hope…..forget it. In fact, scratch this whole last paragraph. I’ve been a bad boy.
-Preston: “PJ is someone my parents think I would pick. Rachel is someone my friends and people that know me think I would pick.” Uhhhhh…..isn’t that kind of a slap in the face to PJ? Basically what he’s saying is, Rachel is the one he’ll bring home from the bar and show off to all his buddies and talk about the next morning, whereas the parents would love PJ, yet his friends would be bored with her. Great guy.
-It’s time for the final elimination. Damn this show went quick. This is going to be the shortest column I think I’ve ever written….
-They show Preston with Rachel first. He begins by recapping every waking moment he’s been with her, starting with date #1 on the beach. Awwww christ, we already had to live through this once, must we do it again? “On our first date, I remember what you said to me (referring to her telling him she loved his lips, teeth, eyes, forehead, nose, jaw, earlobes, etc…)….At that point, the competition stood no chance…..On the 2nd date, you wowed me at the old folks home…..Then on our Cabo date, we seemed to have really good chemistry (i.e.- we had a great make out session in the hot tub)……
-Now, they stop his speech with Rachel and skip over to his speech to PJ. “Our first date at the ballet, you were a little bit reclused (i.e.- you didn’t put out)…..I wanted you to open up…..I wanted you to meet me halfway (Jesus Christ, now he’s quoting Kenny Loggins songs?)…But our date in the tent, I saw the transformation….you started to open yourself up to me…..
-Commercial. Thank God. Busting out Kenny Loggins in his final speech almost had me in tears. “Meet me halfway….across the sky….make this a new beginning….for only you and I….” What movie, people? Too late. “Over the Top” with Sylvester Stallone as the arm wrestling truck driver trying to win back his son who he abandoned years ago. Some great performances in this one, most notably by his son’s grandfather, Robert Loggia. And his son was that little pipsqueak who used to be the little boy all the girls loved on “General Hospital”. How in the blue hell do I know this sh**? Honestly, I scare myself sometimes. I should not know anything about “General Hospital”. It’s one of those shows, I’ve never watched a complete episode of, yet I have a vague idea of who the characters are and what happened in the past. I can’t remember to turn off my iron before I leave for work, yet I can remember that garbage. Unbelievable. I need therapy.
-Commercial. Woops. Forget to mention what I saw in this last commercial break. “LAX” is the new drama appearing this fall on NBC starring Heather Locklear and Blair Underwood. It’s about, well, LAX and all the crazy things that apparently happen there on a weekly basis. Didn’t realize so much stuff happened at the airport, but hey, if they’re doing a TV show about it, it must be true. I have one prediction about this show. I have not heard anything about it, I haven’t read any reviews, I don’t know what night it’s on, I don’t know what its lead-in show is, none of that. However, I do know this: At some point during the season, Blair Underwood and Heather Locklear will be hittin’ it. Guaran-damn-teed. Hey, if this guy was knockin’ boots with Miranda on “Sex in the City”, you don’t think he’ll have Heather-freakin-Locklear bent over a table? Please. She did Grant Show on her work desk at D & D Advertising.
-Back to Preston’s speech to Rachel. “……but, my feelings were hurt that you couldn’t trust me, and that you doubted me…..” Rachel: “Well, I wasn’t dating other people.” Oooooohhhh, good one. When all else fails, and you think hammer is about to get dropped, go to the old “well-how-am-I-supposed-to-feel-when-you’re-dating-all-these-other-women” card. Almost always positively never works. Good try though.
-Back to PJ. “….I had a little hesitation with you (as he said this, Preston began to finally hit puberty with his voice cracking about 3 times in one sentence)….you seem nervous…but, I choose you.” Weeeeeeee!!!!!!!
-Back to the dumping of Rachel. “….I just don’t think our chemistry would transfer into something long term. I might be making a huge mistake.” Rachel: “I’m shocked. Why aren’t you picking me again? Because I doubted you? I hate to tell you this, but everyone doubted you, it wasn’t just me.” Yeah, she didn’t go down without a fight. She wasn’t happy at all. But what does she care? She has another seven weeks on TV. Who’s Preston anyway? I’m sure NBC picked up some fine quality gentlemen for the 4th installment of this show.
-Commercial. The DVD for “Butterfly Effect” is out. I never saw it, and I hate to judge things I’ve never seen, but, I’m guessing this movie sucks. Has Ashton Kutcher appeared in any movie that didn’t suck? Didn’t think so. For someone as big as he is now, you’d think he’d get at least one decent flick under his belt. Nope. A truckload of bombs. “Dude, where’s my car?”, “Just Married”, that one movie I saw which was terrible with him and Tara Reid that I can’t remember the name to, and now this load of garbage. But what does he care how untalented he is? He’s got gobs of money, he’s on a popular TV show, he produces and stars in one of the top shows on MTV, and he gets to go home and crawl into bed with Demi Moore every night. I’m guessing his life doesn’t suck right about now.
-After the shot of Preston and PJ all happy and giggly and kissing, which none of really wanted to see, the producers smartened up and gave us more of Rachel. This was good stuff. So she runs back into her room crying and face plants right into the pillow like a 4 year old who didn’t get their dinner. Awesome. One of the highlights of the season. Rachel: “I’m hurt….I feel stupid….I was going to pick him over the money anyway.” Whatever. Whether she was or wasn’t going to isn’t the issue, what is is that we get another seven weeks of this chick, and I’m looking forward to every minute of it. At least she keeps the show interesting.
-Back outside to the two P’s, oh yeah, PJ chose Preston over the money. Then Preston chose her because he said he liked her or something. I wasn’t really paying attention to the happy ending at all. Didn’t care too much for it. As they walked away a happy couple due to break up within a couple months, they showed that PJ’s check was worth $1. Ahhhhhhhh….so refreshing to see true love. Kinda reminds me of Britney and her new toy. She’s getting married….again. To a backup dancer. You don’t think that relationship is based strictly on the physical aspect do you? Yeah, neither do I. They really seem in love. He’s got everything she’s looking for in a man: Great dancer, is there for her whenever she needs him, willing to get a matching tattoo for her, and has a daughter on the way from his pregnant ex-girlfriend who’s the mother of his other child. I wish these two lovebirds all the best.
-So next week starts “For Love or Money 4” where 15 guys will compete for Rachel AND her #1 enemy Andrea. They actually tried to tease us with what to expect, but like I mentioned earlier, I was clueless as to how next season works. But I’ll try and give it a go: Both girls think right now each of them is the only female on the show, and they both will be playing for $1 million. If they can convince one of the men to pick them over the money, they get the $1 million. The men each have checks as well ranging from $1 to $1 million. And they’ll know the price of their checks, but the girls won’t know that they know the price of their checks, nor do I think they’ll even know the men have checks. Or something like that. As long as there are cat fights between Rachel and Andrea, and as long as we get more hot tub scenes, I think next season should be a doozy. Eventually it’ll come down to the age old question: Will they choose love? Or will they choose money? And Jordan will have no problem reminding us of that 682 more times. Until next week…….
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