7.12.04
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7.12.04
For season openers, that one couldn’t have been any worse. Honestly, was that the most rushed episode we’ve ever seen out of this franchise? Could they have possibly shown us any less about the fifteen nipplebrains who are vying for Andrea and Rachel’s affection? Maybe I’m just all FLOM’ed out. But when the show which produces more twists and turns than a one night sex romp with Trish can’t surprise me anymore, something’s wrong. Anyone who didn’t think Rachel was going to be the girl to stick around over Andrea hasn’t been paying attention, like, ever. As much drama as they tried to put into it….sorry. Didn’t work. No one cares about Andrea. No one would watch a show centered around Andrea. I don’t know. Maybe it’s run its course. Maybe after all the Dork Boy Rob’s and Jailbait’s and Whistler’s and PJ’s and Preston’s, you know, maybe it’s just time to admit they’ve lost me. Yeah right. Let’s begin….
-The show started with Rachel and Andrea both talking to camera about how happy they were to be chosen as the girl to come back on the show. In the industry this is called “building drama”. Ok, maybe not, but that’s what I call it. Each girl was discussing how lucky they were, there’s less stress now that they’re chasing the guy, no one else is around, blah blah blah. Andrea went so far as to say, “I do have faith that there’s someone out there that has what I’m looking for.” Judging by the very limited time we were given getting to know our fifteen toolboxes, I couldn’t possibly see what they had to offer that you’d like. But then again, you’re not going to be around long anyway, so who cares right?
-Andrea: “I’m looking for a guy who takes pride in the way he looks, cares about his appearance, is tall, well-built, and has great energy.” Translation: I want a metrosexual who’ll look good around my arm and cares as much about himself as I do about myself. And oh yeah, having a lot of money in his 401K is most definitely a bonus that will looked highly upon.
-The whole time they were introducing us to the fifteen mental midgets, they were still playing voice overs from the ladies saying how excited they were to be chosen. So we never got to hear any cheesy intro’s from the guys giving their name, age, city they’re from, and what talent agency landed them this gig in hopes to start their TV career. Actually, all they gave us was a name, age, and occupation on the bottom of the screen as the cars were driving up to the house. They must really not want us to care at all about these fifteen dweebs, or they would’ve done this correctly. We could be in for a long season here.
-Out comes Jordan happier than a clam to be standing in front of such fresh meat, wearing his new hot pink shirt with pink tie. God, that was a bad look. Who deemed that acceptable? I’m no “Queer Eye” dude, but that was not the color outfit I would’ve chosen for our sexually deprived host. Especially when he has a chance to begin hitting on a new batch of fifteen willing and able bachelors. He must’ve put up some sort of fight when no one commented on his attire. That must’ve really stung.
-After the guys ate some meal, Jordan brings them into the living room to go over the rules. After being told they were on “For Love or Money”, over lunch or breakfast, or whatever they were eating, some of the guys began talking out loud about what to expect. I couldn’t put names with quotes since I barely know these people, but someone said something to the effect of, “I’ve seen this show before. We’ll be like, playing for a million bucks.” Brilliant. And they’re smart too. Can’t wait to dig deeper into these little minds of theirs.
-So Jordan brings all fifteen guys to the living room, which is standard for, “Ok, time to lay out the rules, where we confuse the hell out of the viewing audience while you guys sit here and act surprised.” Anyway, as the cameras panned around the room, I did notice one thing about our batch of characters: they all basically looked and dressed the same. I mean, nobody looked like twins, but you could tell what kind of guy they were looking for. Athletic build, trendy dressers, and spiky or messed up hair style. They never cease to amaze us with the type of guy picked for these shows.
-Jordan begins with the rules of the game, and tells them their checks are blank. They could be worth anywhere from $1 to $1 million (Yawn). Been there, done this. This is becoming all too repetitive for me. Why can’t the checks be different this time around? Why can’t some checks be worth $12.47, and another check be worth $36,871? How about we make the checks worth exactly what they’ll be worth once taxes and all that B.S. is taken out? Which is nothing. Damn government.
-Commercial. Is it just me, or does anyone else get the biggest craving for Olive Garden after seeing one of their commercials? I swear, I’m going to have the O.G. within the next two days after seeing the advertisement last night. I’ve never been one who’s been fooled by product placement, like when Pepsi takes out five 30-second commercials during the Super Bowl. No matter how funny they are, or no matter what outfit Britney is wearing in it, I’m still buying Coke. But when I see the soup, salad, and breadsticks special for only $5.99, I become Pavlov’s dog. And hey, I’ve got a $3 off coupon for any meal at the O.G., so does that mean I can get unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks for $2.99? Are they open at 2:30 in the morning, and can they deliver please? Big deal if it’s white trash Italian food, it’s damn tasty.
-So each guy comes up to pick up a blank check after Jordan does his tricky thing of moving them all around so no one can knowingly pick a $1 million check. This must really excite Jordan when he gets to do this. I only caught about what half these guys checks were worth, and I only wrote down who either had a $1 or $1 million:
Caleb: $1 million. Nothing noticeable other than his parents chose to name him Caleb.
David K.: $1 million. Nothing noticeable either other than he’s one of two David’s on the show.
Steven: $1. Same name as me, different spelling. I’m S-t-e-p-h-e-n. Maybe that’s why they gave him…..errrrr….he chose $1. And he decided not to look at his check because it didn’t matter to him. He wasn’t here for money. Ok, buddy.
Rudy: $1 million. East coaster. Thick, thick accent.
Jai: $1. Token black guy.
Ben: $1 million. Looked like a blown up Clay Aiken.
Morgan: $1. May be the only smart guy in the whole group. “I don’t think I’ll end up with this dollar in the end. There has to be another twist coming up sometime.” Ooooooh. He’s good. Watch out for him.
-Now, it’s time to go back to the ladies, and basically they picked up where we left off. Each girl arrives separately at the mansion thinking they’re the only one on the show. Jordan takes Rachel outside first to have her wait for the fifteen guys to come out and greet her. But little does she know, out comes Andrea first, and their fake hating of each other begins. Both girls appeared on a radio show out here in L.A. and neither of them acted anywhere near the way they acted towards each other on the show. So, I can’t really call it a good acting job they did, but it wasn’t nearly what it’s made out to be. I was gonna write down some of the things each said about each other, but I figured, “What’s the point?” This is all completely staged. They do not hate each other this much, and it’s no different than watching “Elimidate” where you can tell the producers pry these women to say bad things about the other girl.
-Then Jordan comes out to inform them that at tomorrow’s elimination, “You are not sending any of the guys home. They are picking one of you to leave. So you might want to make a good 1st impression.” Translation: Whichever one of you can whore yourself out the best in the next 24 hours will have the better chance of staying. So both girls are now waiting for the fifteen guys to come out and greet them, and they have to act like they don’t know each other. And although the guys are thinking they must impress the ladies, it’s actually those two who have to impress the guys or they’ll be eliminated. Ahhhhhh……I see. Thank you very much for that explanation. I’m sure now the fake cat fighting over making 1st impressions will now double that staying in the game is on the line. Can’t wait.
-Commercial. “Little Black Book” starring Brittany Murphy and someone else not important is opening soon. Boy, there’s a girl whose career I can’t figure out for the life of me. First, she plays the ditz in “Clueless”. Then she moves on to the humorous role in “Just Married”, and during this period continues to act stupid by dating Ashton Kutcher but keeping private about it. Then she plays the town slut in “8 Mile” and spreads her legs for Eminem whenever and wherever she gets a chance. Then she plays the psycho in the looney bin in “Don’t Say a Word”. And somewhere in there, she played a looney in “Girl, Interrupted” too. And I think she got to make out with Winona Ryder. I think. No, I didn’t really have much of a point to this. Academy Award Winner she’s not. I think that was my point.
-Only a few guys made any sort of impression on me when they came out to greet the girls….
Steven: Not because of the lame way he spells his name, but because he chose to go first and had his whole introduction planned out: what he was going to say, what she was going to say back, and what his response was going to be to her response. A flat out mess this guy was. Did the name proud, I tell ya’. Basically he said everything went out the window when walked out and there were two girls standing there. Way to think on your toes, buddy.
David K.: First guy to kiss each girl on the cheek. This made each girl excited and made him a front runner from the get go.
Chad: Kissed Rachel, but not Andrea. Must’ve been one hell of a kiss considering he chose Andrea at the end of the show.
Rudy: Made a joke about being a male stripper. Hilarious pal. That’s original. The cheesedicks they pick for these shows never cease to amaze me.
Mike: He was the last guy, and paid way more attention to Andrea than Rachel. Andrea must’ve given him some hell of a vibe back considering he chose Rachel on elimination night.
-So now it was time for each lady to cook lunch for all the little lemmings. Andrea likes this. Andrea: “I was in my element.” What element would that be? Being surrounded by fifteen guys and doing whatever you can to focus all their attention on you, your horrible roots, and your overly tanned skin that you’ve gotten from living in New Jersey? Hmmmmm…..just to let you in on couple tidbits about Andrea. She’s a former Philadelphia Eagles cheerleader, she’s appeared on a couple TV shows in background roles including “Sex in the City”, and apparently she had an affair with a somewhat famous married man in the Philadelphia area that made headlines a couple years ago. Here’s the article in case you’re interested: http://www.philadelphiaweekly.com/archives/article.asp?ArtID=5104 Quite a catch this one is.
-Apparently Andrea was in her element here as she blew the guys socks off with her penne a la vodka, with shrimp, asparagus, and greek salad. Rachel put some sort of cheese concoction together that made most of the guys sit at Andrea’s table. Rachel: “Andrea’s an event planner. This is perfect for her. I’m not an event planner.” You don’t say? I could’ve never figured that out. I mean, by no means am I any sort of cook. My warm meals consist of anything I can heat up on the stove that comes out of a can, andything I can throw in a microwave, and anything I can put on my George Foreman girll, which happens about once every six months. But I tell you, I guarantee I could’ve come up with something better than what she threw out there. At one point, Andrea had 10 guys at her table, and Rachel had five. Clue #100 that Rachel was going to be kept around in the end.
-After that lunch, it immediately becomes nighttime, and it’s already time for the elimination ceremony. But Jordan tells the guys since the ladies have no idea that they’re playing “For Love or Money” (wink, wink), he cannot be at the elimination ceremony tonight and will be replaced by someone else. And Goddam, was he ever. Can we move this chick in on a permanent basis please? Let’s never “tell” the ladies they’re playing “For Love or Money” so this little nugget gets to keep making appearances. Can we get a name on her at least? Maybe a little background info. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Anyway, the Double H (Hot Host) tells the guys as they’re standing on the steps that they must choose between Andrea and Rachel. They are to walk down the steps and stand next to the woman they choose. Then they kind of ruin the surprise when announcer boy, heading to commercial break says, “Up next, the guys send one of the women home, and the men who choose, will leave too.” Well gee, thanks for ruining it. I kinda figured that would happen, but announcer boy didn’t need to spoil it.
-Commercial. During this commercial break, I saw advertisements for Botox, followed right up by Oil of Olay daily facials. Are they trying to tell us something here? And shouldn’t that be saved for the show coming up next? “Who Wants to Have Plastic Surgery Simultaneously with My Dad?” should definitely be fielding commercials like these, not this show. Although, I’m guessing one, if not both of these chicks uses the Oil of Olay daily facials. Can guys use those? Not that I’m interested or anything, but I’m sure someone like Jordan can put those to use in the morning. Would you believe me if I told you I’ve never had a facial, or a massage, or a pedicure, or a manicure in my life? I mean, professionally that is. Sure I’ve had a massage, but you know, I didn’t pay for it or anything. Kinda came with the territory. Sorry. You don’t need to know anymore, other than it had a happy ending. I’m kidding.
-Here’s where the NBC producers really tried their best to make Rachel look like the underdog throughout this whole voting process, but I just wasn’t buying any of it. Rachel was going to be the girl this show revolved around, and this started back before “For Love Or Money 3” even started. Remember those promos that ran which specifically focused on Rachel being this season’s “evil” girl? They never would’ve done that from the beginning if Andrea was going to be the one in the 2nd show. Sorry if you actually fell for that, but c’mon people. You should know better. So here’s how the breakdown went (in order)….
David K.: Andrea.
Chad: Andrea.
Mike: Rachel.
Jai: Andrea. (in case you can’t add, that’s 3-1 Andrea. First to 8 votes wins).
Morgan: Rachel.
Rudy: Rachel. (oooooohhhhh….we’re tied up at three apiece. The suspense).
Ben: Andrea.
Chris: Rachel. (tied again. 4-4. Seven guys left. This is getting good).
Josh: Rachel.
Brian: Andrea. (5-5. You can cut the tension with a plastic knife it’s that thick).
Wes: Andrea.
Steven: Andrea. (Andrea leads 7-5 with 3 guys left. All she needs is one small, measly, little vote from ANY of the remaining three guys, and she’s the winner. She gets to move on. We all get to see Andrea over Rachel for the next 6 weeks on Monday night. One vote. That’s all she needs. Just one).
Caleb: Rachel.
Alex: Rachel.
David: Rachel. (Awwwwwwww….shocker. Never saw that one coming. I mean, how’d she do it? How she pull it off? The odds were so against Rachel. I mean, three guys left and she needed all their votes to win, and she somehow managed to do it. I never thought it could happen. Ever. But it did).
-Rachel: “This is my show now. My game. My men.” You go girl. You should be thrilled you pulled that off. One of the biggest moments in reality television history. Down 3-0 in the count, and you throw three straight fastballs right down the middle of the plate to strike out Andrea. You’re the best. (Here’s what I’m guessing is what happened: Before going out to the steps, each guy wrote down or told the producer who they were going to pick. Then they told Double H which order to choose the guys to come down to make it seem so dramatic. No way was that not pre-planned so it worked out that way).
-Then of course, they informed the seven guys that chose Andrea that they were done from the show as well. One of them was quoted as saying, “In the end, I guess I picked the wrong horse.” Did he just Andrea as being a Clydesdale? Now that wasn’t very nice, whoever you were. Take that back.
-Andrea of course had to get a parting shot in. Andrea: “In the real world, Rachel couldn’t hold a candle to me.” You’re right. She couldn’t. As far as I know, she hasn’t gotten it on with a married man and been in the center of a scandal in the city of Philadelphia. Neither has she been seen as one of the 1,000 New York city streetwalkers in the background of a “Sex in the City” episode either. You are definitely the bigger woman, my friend. Be thankful they even bothered to give you another episode when all of us wanted to see Rachel anyway.
-The last defining moment of the show was when they showed Steven burning his check. Remember, Steven with the horrible spelling, was the guy who chose not to look at his check because “it didn’t matter. I’m here for love.” Well, Steven is very upset that it wasn’t meant to be. So upset, he’s crying. A lot. More than he should be. “Some day I’ll be a loving husband, a good father, and make my family proud. Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!” Easy Stevo. Calm down. It’s only a game. I’m sure you can go on “Extreme Dating” or “Elimidate” or “Dismissed” and find the one that’s meant for you. Good luck. And change the spelling of your name.
-Next week, Rachel begins the hunt for the man of her dreams, and she will eliminate three men bringing the field down to five. And apparently, “One of them is someone NO ONE WILL EXPECT.” How can they say that when we don’t know anything about any of these guys? All these guys are dopes based on what I’ve seen so she could eliminate seven of the eight and I wouldn’t be surprised. They also show a scene of her in the limo with one of the greaseballs and I think he tries to rape her with his clothes on. Back off there, pallie. You might not want to try and physically force yourself onto a woman when the cameras are rolling. She can kinda use that against you in court when she files the restraining order. I love this show. Until next week…..
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