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7.19.04
Although this is totally unrelated to “For Love or Money”, I’m sure some of you who haven’t heard already would like to know who the next “Bachelor” is. Well, there’s two of them. And they’re both 40 years old. And one of them has gray hair. And one of the them is divorced. And a professional bass fisherman who has earned $46,000 in 13 years on the circuit. Wow. He must be really good. So yes, the “Bachelor” has actually resorted to stealing from “For Love or Money 4”. And all this time I thought it was FLOM trying to rip from the “Bachelor”. Silly me. Anyway, on the first episode, which will air Sept. 22nd, the 25 women will eliminate one of the two guys. And I’m pretty sure it’ll be in the exact same fashion the way the men chose between Andrea and Rachel. I’ll hold my thoughts on this revamping the “Bachelor” did until the season actually begins, but let’s just say, they’re taking a huge risk going for the older men this time instead of the horny, cheating, sex crazed man whores that they have in the past. I’ll take a wait-and-see attitude on this one. Let’s start FLOM with some pretty interesting news…..
-Last week I gave you the link to a story about Andrea being in a love triangle with some TV personality out in Philadelphia. You know, she was his “escort” at a Super Bowl party even though he has a wife and a few kids. And he’s 50. Hey, if it were L.A., I’d say “No big deal” since that happens all the time out here. You’ll see more mid 20’s chicks with 50 year old balding men than you can shake a stick at. Well, here’s another boffo regarding Andrea. I also mentioned she was in an episode of “Sex in the City”. Well, I happened to catch that episode this past weekend. It’s the last episode of Season 5 (Episode #8), the one where Samantha uses Richard’s house for a pool party or something. Well, three little twentysomethings show up at the party, and Andrea is one of them. And another thing: she takes her top off. Now, when she’s actually topless, you don’t technically get to see her face, but they’re insinuating it’s her body. Very nice Andrea. Making quite a name for yourself around Hollywood. Why not just try out for “Basic Instinct 2” and ask to cross your legs at some point in the movie.
-So I actually tried to catch some of the lyrics to the FLOM opening song. Here’s what I came up with:
“Truuuuuuuuuue Looooooooove……is all I need But if I can’t find love, will money (blah blah blah)”
I promise, next week, I’ll try and get the rest. I need these lyrics. And can this show win an Emmy for “Best Score”? Whoever wrote those lyrics has a skyrocketing career in music ahead of them.
-So, two of the meatheads are sitting around asking each other about the other’s check. Josh and Mike. Josh tells Mike he’s got a check for $500 grand, and Mike tells Josh his check is for $250 grand. At the time, I asked myself, “Why would they only reveal these two dweebs talking about their check?” After which, I slapped myself and said, “Wake up, Steve! FLOM does everything for a reason. They don’t show things that aren’t important. EVERYTHING’S important. You’re an idiot!” I often have these debates with myself when I really struggle with my self-esteem. But I’m getting better. I am. My counselor says so.
-In walks the flaming….errrr…the dapper Hostess….errr…Host Jordan. He’s got the suit on, with no tie, and his shirt collar going out over the suit jacket. With the top button unbuttoned so we can check out his masculinity or something. I wore my suits like this about five years ago. That style is out. Don’t put the collar out over the jacket. It’s over. You’re not cool, you’re not suave, and you’re not masculine. Stop it, Jordan. Just stop.
-Jordan informs the fellas that they will be auctioning for some alone time with Rachel. The winner will get to give Rachel a $500,000 necklace (not a pearl one, however. Damn), will get a night at the Biltmore hotel in the grand ballroom, and will get to grope her like a schoolboy in the limo ride home. Well, the last part wasn’t part of the package. Although judging by Josh’s actions, you never would’ve guessed. Back off, creep.
-The bidding would start at $25,000 and have $25,000 increments. Whoever bid the most, would have that amount subtracted from their current check total. Ahhhhh, I see now why we saw Josh and Mike’s little discussion. You didn’t actually think it would’ve come down to these two did you? Crazy how that happened, wasn’t it? I mean, they were JUST talking about their checks like, two minutes ago, and walla! Here they are locked in a heated auction to win an alone date with Rachel. Never mind the fact that Josh had $250,000 more than Mike, or the fact we saw in the previews him dry humping her in the limo, the suspense was riveting.
-The only thing that interested me during the auction was the fact that they guy with a $1 million check, Caleb, never bothered to bid once. Was he sleeping? Did someone explain the rules to him? He knows no one can outbid him, yet apparently, he didn’t want to lose $1 off that cool million he has. Would you bet, you idiot? Ok. I’ll just say what everyone else is thinking. Caleb’s gay. Either that or he just wants to run home to be with mommy. He’s got more money than anybody, this could be the only shot he has with Rachel and he’s……forget it. I’m already too frustrated and we’re not at the first commercial break yet.
-Commercial. I just saw a commercial for the US Olympic Women’s Gymnastics team. I guess they’re good this year or something. Anyway, it reminded me: the Olympics are next month and I could give a rat’s ass. There isn’t a more overhyped sporting event in all the world than the Olympics. Especially on tape delay. When they’re on American soil and shown live, my interest definitely goes up because I like actually watching live television. I know. Crazy concept. But why do I give a sh** about a race that happened 9 hours ago and I already know the results too? Doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose and take the excitement out of it. What if I were to tell you that Game 7 of the World Series went into the bottom of the 9th inning, and the home team came back from a 2-run deficit, hit a game winning 3 run homer on a 3-2 pitch with 2 outs, but you couldn’t see it until 10 hours later? Wouldn’t that kind’ve kill any buzz or excitement about the home run? Well, that’s the Olympics. They suck.
-So back from commercial, and Mike has just made his bid of $250,000 to take Rachel out. Let’s stop right there. Someone bid $250K to take out Ms. Rachel Veltri, the airline stewardess (Please oh please, let me end up on a flight where she’s serving me a cold piece of chicken with a spork). $250 grand! I’ll spend when I need to spend on a date, but I don’t think I’ll ever be approaching the $250 grand mark. Did I tell you about the time I once spent…forget it. You don’t need to hear, and I don’t want to re-live it. It wasn’t pretty. Just know I ended up broke, she ended up not liking me, and I struck out on three straight fastballs right down the middle of the plate. Anyway, the only thing worse than Mike betting $250 grand for a date with Rachel? Josh bidding $275,000 to put him away and get the date himself while Caleb sits there with his thumb up his ass not betting anything. Mike’s reaction (if you could read lips): “F**k”. Thanks, Mike. NBC will be sending you the bill shortly.
-So Mike, Alex, and Chris get the group date at the beach. Alex isn’t happy with the overcast weather. Alex: “I was disappointed there was no sun. I would’ve liked to have seen Rachel in a bikini.” So as we can see, Alex is definitely into the intellectual side of Rachel and would really like a chance to get to know her better. Maybe even meet her family. You can tell he’s really thinking long term on this one. The “I’m-pissed-I-didn’t-see-her-ass-attitude” usually gets you far with the ladies.
-Rachel: “Alex is a flirt. I felt a little uncomfortable when he was holding my hand. But I didn’t want to pull away and make him feel bad.” So obviously the smart thing to do was to continue to hold his hand, lead him on, then dump him at the end of the show so he’ll be completely blindsided by everything. Women are the greatest.
-Mike was next up to pull Rachel aside. Rachel definitely has a physical attraction towards Mike. Mike looks like Valerie Malone’s ex-boyfriend from Buffalo, Tom, who came and ran the Peach Pit for about a month before pissing everyone off, dating Kelly, and leaving the show prematurely. Seemed to happen a lot on that show. I know a lot of you are probably saying, “Who the hell is he talking about?” Just trust me. They look exactly alike except for the hair. Turn on FX sometime this weekend and I’m sure you’ll catch a re-run. It was during their junior year at CU. The year that also consisted of Kelly becoming a coke addict, going to rehab, then getting held hostage by a 14 year old girl who cut her hair to look like her, Claire and Steve’s weird relationship, Claire’s friend who’s a Prince declaring his love for her and Steve punching him in the face on the Queen Mary during his birthday, Donna and David’s on again off again relationship, and the best girlfriend Brandon ever had, Susan Keats. Sorry diehards. She wins.
-Rachel: “Mike kept asking me why I was here and what my motivations were. He’s definitely a wild card. I find it funny that the guy I’m most attracted to is also the guy I’m most leery of.” That usually never ends well for someone. Never be the one they’re most attracted to because you won’t win. Plus, if she thinks you’re still hittin’ it with Tiffani Amber Theissen, she’s going to get upset then it’ll completely blow your cover. Go live at David’s house again for a while, just til’ this show’s over. Then you can move back in with Val, since she feels so close to you because you were the only one there for her when she was being molested by her father.
-When this group date ends, the guys are back at the house and Mike isn’t too thrilled with Josh for outbidding him on the alone date. Josh pleads innocence…and stupidity. Josh: “Dude, I swear on my mother’s life, I didn’t remember your check was for $250,000. F**k you for not believing me.” Who’s the bigger moron here? Josh for actually admitting to forgetting Mike told him check was for $250 grand, or Mike for being mad at Josh for outbidding him, when, that’s the whole point to winning an auction? Dumb is most certainly battling Dumber here.
-Commercial. Uh oh. It’s currently 12:39 PST on Tuesday, July 20th. That means today is officially the day I can buy “Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen” on DVD. I haven’t seen it yet but I think I’ll be making more of an effort now that Lindsay is officially 18. I mean, not like I wouldn’t have watched it before July 2nd when that fateful day came and went, but sometimes you just don’t feel right, you know? Now, it’s official. We can all celebrate. Lindsay fans unite. She’s eighteen, she’s got a new DVD out, and she’s decided to let Wilmer Valderamma be the first one to officially tap that ass. Good God. What do chicks see in him? Does he have some yard long rocketship down his shorts that we don’t know about because this guy is getting a LOT of young Hollywood teens. Disturbing.
-Group date two has Caleb, Morgan, Dave, and Rudy on it. Rudy’s one of the two guys, along with Caleb, with a $1 million check. He’s also the guy who sounds like Boston Rob and is a cross between Boston Rob and Preston. He’s apparently the big jokester of the whole group and will have Rachel’s side splitting once he gets some alone time with her. Just a flat out funny, funny guy who lights up a room and brings everyone to tears laughing when he speaks. Can’t wait to see him knock Rachel’s socks off (That would all be foreshadowing of the negative kind in case you couldn’t tell).
-Morgan: “I feel like I didn’t need to step it up on this date to stay around. I’d just let one of these guys slip up.” You are a very confident guy, Morgan. You also look like someone that literally was on the tip of my tongue all night, but I couldn’t figure out and it’s pissing me off. Next week, I’ll remember. I need a little more time. Anyway, you’re my least favorite person thus far. Don’t like you. A little too cocky for me.
-Rachel’s turn to pull Rudy aside for some alone time. Here it comes. The jokes will be at rapid fire pace. I just hope Rachel’s ready for this. He’s a good one. Eddie Murphy, do your thing. Rachel: “I think Rudy was nervous around me and he wasn’t that funny.” Wah..Wah..Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh. Booooooooooo. You suck, Rudy. I was waiting for the clown from off stage to use his cane to pull Rudy by his neck off the screen. Or maybe Host Jordan was going to step in to gong him. Rudy might’ve wet himself during that alone time.
-Rachel: “Morgan’s hot. He seems like a man to me.” Well, let’s hope so honey. There could be a major lawsuit on NBC’s hands if they brought in a contestant that WASN’T of the male race, only to have you find that out first when reaching into his/her trousers to play with Captain Winky and finding out he’s no longer around. That wouldn’t be good. Just don’t tell Morgan you think he’s a man. He might not be able to fit his inflated Jack-in-the-Box head out of the limo door.
-Morgan: “I just want to hug you, scoop you up and stick you in my pocket.” What??!! What kind of line is that? “I wanna stick you in my pocket?” So she’s an elf now? Are you King Kong and can hold her in the palm of your hand? If that was supposed to be like a term of endearment or even a compliment, I wouldn’t have taken it as one. I would’ve taken it as, “Ok, this guy’s a freak. What the hell did he just say?” Morgan=Ewwwww.
-They went to the House of Blues on Sunset Blvd for this date, and to see who got to ride in the limo home with her alone, they played one hand of whatever it is they were playing. They never really made that clear as to what they were playing, but I know it wasn’t BJ. I’m sure that was played later. So they played one last hand, and every guy bet every chip he had on the last hand, which excited Rachel. Rachel: “I was so happy they all bet every chip they had on the last hand because it showed they really wanted to go home in the limo with me.” Exactly what did you expect them to do? Say, “You know what, I think I’ll sit this last hand out. Go ahead. Why don’t you guys compete? I’m gonna not try and win some alone time to make myself more of an outcast.”
-David S. had the winning hand, although we never saw how much he bet, what his hand was, or what anyone else’s hand was. That sucked. I wanted to see if one of these bozo’s ended up folding with a flush in his hand, or a possible straight. Probably did. So because of his win, David picked Rachel up, and carried her down the stairs to limo. Rachel liked this a lot. Rachel: “I love the way he carried me. He’s a man. I need someone to be a man with me. That’s very sexy.” Shhhhhhtttttt….maintenance is high. I repeat. Maintenance is high. Over. Shhhhhhhhtttttt.
-Time for Josh’s $275,000 solo date, and you just knew this would be good when he uttered this before the date started. Josh: “I have no problem admitting I’m playing this game for money.” That’s awesome. There’s a man with honesty. He’s going all-out from the start. “Look, I’m not here for no bulls**t love or relationship crap, just give me my money.” However, that’s never a good sign and we should’ve seen this ouster tonight coming a mile away.
-They arrive at the grand ballroom at the Biltmore, reserved for just those two, the violins are playing, the dinner is great, the setting is beautiful, etc. So he gives her the $500,000 necklace and it just blows her away. Why? Does she actually think he bought it for her? If the producers said to Josh, “Hey, on your very first alone date with Rachel, get her a gift”, do you think he would’ve chosen a necklace worth 500 grand? Don’t think so. So why was this such a kind gesture? He was just giving you what the producers told him to give to you? He didn’t pay for it. Nor did he pay for the date. And even the $275,000 he spent to get this date with you cost him nothing. So this whole thing blows is what I’m trying to say.
-They’re heading back in the limo after the date, and here’s where the real good stuff started….sort of. Everything they “showed”, they showed in the commercial. I think he was trying to give her a hickey on her neck. And her breast. And somewhere up her skirt. Good God you creepy little bastard. Hands off. The cameraman either got quite a peek at some serious lovin' going on or Rachel blew this out of proportion. I’ll take the former since that makes the story sound better. So as we head to commercial, Rachel’s telling the camera that Josh the C.L.B. was not very gentle with her. Rachel: “I felt like I was being mauled by a wild animal.” Hey, sometimes that’s a good feeling.
-Commercial. “Father of the Pride” is this new animated series starting on NBC soon. It got really good reviews from somewhere yet is under some intense media scrutiny due to its content. Some are saying it might be too vulgar for network television. Really? I mean, outside of re-enacting the animated version of Roy getting attacked by that lion onstage, how bad could it be? Or was it Siegfried that the lion had for lunch? I can’t tell those two apart. I think it was Roy that got eaten though. Anyway, how pissed do you think the boyfriend was now that the damn mountain lion gets more action than he does? And this freak show still claims he’s gonna come back and do that show again? Why? I’ll tell you what. If a lion even looked at me wrong, I’d never want to be in his presence again. Eat me? I think I’m having that thing put to sleep within minutes.
-Back from commercial, and the C.L.B. is shown zipping his pants back up while Rachel is pulling her skirt down. Well, maybe not the former, but she was definitely straightening out that dress that was probably just behind her ears. Actually, they show Rachel making fun of him for being so aggressive. So Josh plays the “poor me” card. Josh: “I just got scolded. Point taken.” To which Rachel rushes to his defense. Rachel: “No, no, no. Don’t say that.” But he keeps going. C.L.B.: “I feel awful. I didn’t want to make you feel awkward.” Rachel: “Don’t be offended.” C.L.B. (to the camera): “I just read the situation wrong. I thought she was having fun.” Translation: Why didn’t she want to bone me? What’s the problem here?
-Back at the house, the guys are worse than the girls. Talk about catty. Geez. The minute this doorknob came home, all the guys rush to him to ask how everything went. And this prick told. Guys kiss-and-tell? Really? No way. That’s never happened to me before. I’ve never been so excited about action I got that I didn’t even wait until the next day, but I called on the way home even if it meant leaving a message two in the morning. Nope. Never done that. I don’t know why women get so offended by guys kissing and telling anyway. You should take it as a compliment. Hey, we’d love for you to tell your friends about how good we were. Boosts our ego. And don’t act like you don’t. You just don’t like telling us you told your friends, because then you’re thinking it’s the green light for us to tell our friends. Let me tell ya’ something ladies: That light’s been on green since the minute your bra came off. We tell anyone who’ll listen.
-Jordan with a re-appearance as he’s got a twist to add to the game. Wow! A Twist! In “For Love or Money”? That’s a first. He gives Rachel the option of looking at one of the remaining guys check values. She chooses Mike and sees he’s got one for $250,000. Rachel: “$250,000 is a lot of money. I wish it were less.” She wanted it to be a $1 so she could actually think he might like he for something other than her rack, but that wasn’t meant to be. Guys like breasts. So I’ve heard.
-Heading to commercial, we get this tease, “Stay tuned for the most shocking elimination you won’t believe!” Translation: “In the most dramatic rose ceremony yet…..” Boy, these two shows are just ripping each other off left and right. Good for them. Would love to see a good lawsuit start brewing out of this. Hey, NBC and ABC are already spewing venom towards Fox calling them a copycat network saying they’re stealing all of their ideas. Huh? I don’t know who’s stealing what, but didn’t “Temptation Island” start on Fox? Now ABC has the “Ultimate Love Test” which is basically the same concept with just less people? Fox’s reality shows are the ones completely over the top and ABC’s are just the ones that no one watches. “Ultimate Love Test”, “The Mole”, “I’m a Celebrity, Get me Outta Here!”, “Celebrity Mole: Yucatan”. Shall I continue? Quit blaming Fox when all your shows suck.
-The guys are getting ready for Elimination night. Mike: “If she knew what’s best for her, she’d choose me because I’m not here for the money.” Mike has mentioned that about 10 times this episode alone that he could care less about his check. He could be a great actor, but I actually might believe this guy. I truly feel Valerie Malone is part of his past and he’s ready to move on with his life. Kelly Taylor might still make a play for him, but Rachel seems to be someone he’s really into and he can’t be dealing with all that baggage Kelly brings along with her. You know, the eating disorder, the coke habit, the speed habit, the getting-shot-in-the-stomach-habit, the getting-caught-in-the-fire habit, etc. That’s very taxing on a man after a while and he just needs to move on to a new woman. And Rachel is that new woman for Tom…err…Mike.
Morgan: “Presence….sense of humor….genuine….sincere…and any other cheesy, generic adjectives I can think of…..I’d like you to stay.”
Rudy: “I wanted to hear that sense of humor….I needed more….you’re so unfunny, don’t ever try comedy……I have to ask for the ring back. Goodbye.”
David: “I loved when you carried me down the stairs…..you made me feel like a woman…..now, make me feel like a woman in other ways, take me now….I’d like you to stay.”
Chris: “I loved your energy…your zest for life…the way you make the world a better place….how you walked on water and could turn water into wine…..I’d like you to stay.”
Alex: “You’re very assertive…I love that….alone time was great, but I see us more on a friendship level…..basically, I couldn’t think of anything else, so I’m giving you the ‘Let’s-be-friends’ line since it’s the best cop out I can think of…..I have to ask for the ring back.
Mike: “You’re so open and honest….so important to me…our connection is so much stronger than yours and Valerie’s…meet me at the Peach Pit after the ceremony….I’d like you to stay.” Oooohhhh, a response from Mike. Mike: “I’d love to explore everything about you. I want this. I need this.” Translation: How soon before I can take off your pants and throw them across the room?
Caleb: “You’re either nervous or shy or something….I’m easygoing….I need more from you….I need you to show me you’ll come running at every need I have….and I think you can do that…..I’d like you to stay.”
Josh the C.L.B: “My only problem was, you moved too fast too soon….You can now join Rob “The Groper” Campos as sickest guys to ever appear on this show…..I’m gonna have to ask for the ring back.”
-As he’s heading out, Josh once again reiterates how baffled he is by everything that went down in the limo. Josh: “I misread the situation. I thought she was having fun.” And usually when a girl is having fun, that’s a universal sign for “Please go up my dress and give me a hickey wherever you please in front of these cameramen, on national television, on our first date.” Too bad we don’t get more of the C.L.B. He could’ve really been an all-timer in FLOM history if he would’ve pulled that act somewhere else down the line.
-Next week, five guys becomes four guys and Rachel makes a slip that may cost her the game. Oh don’t tell me that. Like we’re honestly supposed to believe she says something so bad that they considering just cancelling the whole game and sending someone home? I highly doubt that. Just make it so that later on in the game, one of these dopes returns to get rejected again. I’m shocked, stunned, and on the verge of sending a letter to VH1 for not including “Rob Campos Getting Dumped Twice by the Same Chick” on their list of “40 Greatest Reality TV Show Moments”. How does that not make it? The guy was dumped, and then decided to come back and embarrass himself yet AGAIN, and got dumped….AGAIN. That’s top five if you ask me. Now he’s married with a kid. Go figure.
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