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7.26.04
So last week I wondered aloud why “For Love or Money” began at 10:00 last night, and why they were postponing the “Who Wants to Be Engaged to My Dad with the Hardened Face?” finale for another week. Well, we got our answer last night. It was because of that little thing called the Democratic National Convention, or as I like to refer to it, the “Pep Rally on Steroids”. I mean seriously, that’s all it is really. Just one giant pep rally where a bunch of the cheerleaders….err….democrats come out and give cheers….errr…speeches about the old guy who likes like Jay Leno and his running mate, John Edwards. Can’t get a read on that guy yet. I mean we know he’s slimy, but hell, everyone in politics is slimy. But he could be the slimiest of them all considering he is a lawyer. Double slimy. But the pep rally, by all accounts, went according to plan. The ASB commissioner came out and said a few words, the men’s water polo team came walking in and no one cared, then the women’s soccer team came in to an equally silent crowd, then the football team came in and the place went nuts. And the cool quarterback went with the ever-so-popular “backpack, flip flops, and sunglasses” look. And the girls ate it up. The only thing redeeming about pep rallys is that you got to miss class. Nothing like getting all classes shortened for a day so you can cheer on a bunch of guys half the school can’t stand. That was always fun. Anyway, where was I? Doesn’t matter. Onto last night’s show….
-So to start off the show, I missed the final lyrics to the FLOM theme song….again. Dammit. I hate that. It wasn’t til the song was almost over did I remember I needed to keep track of the lyrics. By then it was too late. Not a good start. And the three beginnings to this show have got to stop. First they tell us what the show’s about, then they play the theme song, then they recap last week. I can understand the theme song and recapping last week, but do we really need the game explained to us again, every single week? Especially when we know it’s going to change 159 more times? And is Andrea getting residuals for still getting that small appearance in the beginning? I wonder. She’s dating Jamie Kennedy now, you know that right? Now she’s guaranteed to be popping up on the WB in our near future. Can’t wait.
-Jordan’s first appearance was another memorable one. Had the jeans with the red t-shirt, and the tightest vinyl sweat jacket God’s ever created. Great look for him too. Was that jacket sent in a time warp from the PUMA company in 1982? So they change his look and put him in tight little sweat jackets instead of suits that don’t match. I don’t know where they’re going with his wardrobe but they’re drifting farther and farther away from reality as the weeks go by. Next week he could be wearing a painter’s cap with a bunch of buttons pinned on it, along with Levi’s stonewashed jeans, and a pair of creepers for all we know. I’m sure counting the seconds.
-He explains that to win a solo date with Rachel, the guys must draw a picture on a canvas of her, and whichever one she picks will, not only get a one-on-one date, but will get a chance to swap their checks with someone in the house. Someone’s gonna get to swap checks? Really? No way! And do you think maybe, just maybe, someone with little or no money will be swapping out for a bigger, more lucrative check? The possibilities are endless! Jordan: “It’s time to head to the event room, your model is waiting.” They brought in a model to pose as Rachel? That’s gotta suck for her. She’s gotta look at drawings of another woman. Brutal. Easy there, Jordan. Model? Uhhhh…not quite. Now if he would’ve said, “Please head into the event room, where your stewardess will be waiting to seat you and take your drink order”, that would’ve been more like it. More peanuts please.
-When they walked into the room, the airline waitress was laying on the couch in nothing but a robe, very Kate-Winslet-like. I got excited. I thought she was going to say, “Guys, I want you to draw me like one of your French girls, wearing this. Wearing only this.” Then she would strip down to nothing but a $5 necklace and all of us would get to bask in her holy nakedness. But that didn’t happen. She kept the damn robe covering herself and my hard-on went away. Bastards.
-Trying to describe these guys drawing the bartender-in-the-sky laying a couch in nothing but a robe wouldn’t do it justice. If you didn’t see it, you missed it. Let’s just put it this way: Picasso’s they weren’t. Think back to about 5th grade art class where you got to use pastels for the first time. That’s more like it. These clowns might as well have done stick figures after watching that load a garbage they tried to draw. Caleb I think threw out his canvas three or four times. Mike went very deep on us and didn’t even draw what he saw. He went for just a skyline and a rose. Uhhhh, Mike. If she’s gonna sit there and hold a pose for an hour, do us all a favor and draw what you f***in see. Quit trying to be Mr. Artsy Fartsy when you’re most certainly not.
-Commercial. Sort of. They teased going to commercial with, “Up first is a group date with Mike and Caleb. And Rachel makes a huge mistake.” Then without showing a commercial, they immediately went to the date. Something they’ve never done before. Either someone back in the control room screwed up, or that was supposed to come out like that. Whatever. There wasn’t a commercial and they’re probably should’ve been. I should be programming NBC right. “Fear Factor” would get sh**canned, “Who Wants to Get a Ring from Our Recently Divorced Father?” would run on a continuous loop, “The Next Great Action Hero Superstar” would die a slow death, and I’d bring back “The Weakest Link”, but I’d allow the contestants to fire back insults at the annoying, cue card reading hosts whose unfunny jokes are written for her and who’s about as talented as Jordan.
-Mike and Caleb’s date was out by a small lake and there was an archery contest to see who would get alone time. Closest to the bullseye gets Rachel in the sack…errr….some alone time over at the table. Mike: “I did archery every summer from age eleven through eighteen.” Of course he had to tell us that so we knew beforehand he wouldn’t win. Which he didn’t because he purposely through the archery contest so Caleb got the one-on-one time. Why? You’ll have to ask Mike. Mike? “I’m gonna throw the contest because I’m friends with Caleb. I really think we can be friends after this. There’s no way I’m gonna have him lose and have him feel like the cards are stacked against him.” Ummmmm, one question: Why? Isn’t that kinda the point of this? Mike really thinks a lot in this game. And frankly, he’s too honest and nice. We don’t need that on this show. Give us more greaseballs like Morgan. That makes the show interesting.
-So Caleb gets the alone date and they must get in the rowboat and paddle over to the other side of the lake where the table is set for them to eat. Except Christopher Columbus here doesn’t know how to row a boat, yet Rachel thinks that’s the cutest thing in the world. Why? I have no idea. She just did and apparently this went over really well with her the fact that Caleb is a complete zero and has nothing to offer but a million dollar check. For now. Very bizarre sequence I frankly didn’t understand. Caleb showed himself to be a complete and utter nuisance and she ate it up. Head scratcher.
-During their alone time, Caleb really opened up according to Rachel and her connection with him is getting stronger and stronger and stronger. Caleb tells his first lie that we know about. Caleb: “I’m a big eye guy. She’s got beautiful eyes.” Is this before they come bugging out of her head like a frog, or afterwards? So Caleb likes eyes. Uh huh. Anything else you’d like to share with us, big boy? Ass man, or breast man? Might as well tell us. We’re all friends here. Do you want to grab hold of the ba-donk-a-donk, or would you rather explore the mountains? Ok, that was very immature but, then again, what do you expect?
-Rachel then pulled Mike away for some alone time. So what was the point of having a contest to see who got alone time when they both got it anyway? This show makes more and more sense as it goes along. Anyway, these two’s physical attraction is undeniable. Rachel: “I feel something. I’m completely attracted to you.” What you feel is his johnson rubbing against the side of your leg, that’s what you feel. And if that causes attraction, so be it. The guy knows what he’s doing.
-Mike the deep thinker is at it again. “She encapsulates the best intentions.” Huh? My dictionary is stored away in my closet. She does what? Can’t he just say, “I think she has the best intentions in mind.” Quit throwing big words at me, Mike. My head is starting to hurt. Use words and phrases like “smitten”, or “connection”, or “physical chemistry”, or “dry hump” in describing Rachel. “Encapsulate” is a word I could probably figure out if it wasn’t Tuesday morning already, but it is, and I don’t need that on my mind as I fall asleep.
-In the limo ride home, Rachel makes a good and accidentally calls Morgan, Jordan. The guys catch this and are immediately onto her. If she was never on another show, and she supposedly hadn’t met a host named Jordan, why would that accidentally slip out of her mouth? Uh, oh. Not good. A big secret was just let out of the bag, and everyone must know before it’s too late. Here, I’ll fill you in on it. Ready? Ok. You might not be ready for this but here it goes: Rachel might not be here to find love. She might just be in it for the money. “Hang on to them hats and glasses, cuz’ this here’s the wildest ride in the wilderness!” Is that death coaster up and running again yet, or is it still sending people to their untimely demise? Just curious.
-Commercial. The “Who Wants to Take on Three More Children in Their Family?” finale airs next week, and we finally get to see who the children pick for their daddy. Will it be Suzanne Penny, the 38-year old mortgage broker (shocker), or Stacy Leutner, the 39-year old accountant? The commercials suggest it’s going to be Stacy based on the spaghetti strap dress they show her wearing and that’s the dress the woman he proposes to has on, which probably means Suzanne gets the proposal. They wouldn’t be stupid enough to give the show away in the commercials, would they? Never have before, so why start now? But does it really matter? Can Marty handle either one of these broads? Suzanne’s high maintenance will get pretty old, pretty quick. And Stacy talking out of the bottom of her mouth all the time would annoy the hell out of me. Pick your poison, girls. I don’t envy your decision. Heck, it’s gonna be your stepmother now.
-When the guys returned home from the group date, Mr. Honest Mike decided to tell the rest of the gang about Rachel’s little slip in the limo. “She called Morgan, Jordan! She called Morgan, Jordan! Mommy mommy mommy! Rachel made a mistake!” Ok, maybe it wasn’t that severe, but Mr. Honesty just couldn’t keep anything a secret. Everybody had to know. Made him feel good about himself, because God knows, Mike is here for the girl. He doesn’t care about the price of his check. How do I know this? He’s let us know about 1,500 times since he’s been on the show.
-Mike’s tattle-telling made Morgan suspicious. Morgan: “We all have secrets. We know she’s gotta secret.” Yeah, she was here doing the same thing a month previous, she lied and cheated her way to get to the finals with some doorknob named Preston, she fought with some bleached blonde bimbo named Andrea, and she doesn’t know who Jordan is, or what any of your checks are worth. She’s completely clueless about anything and everything that’s going on. And the fact that your relationship with her, whomever she may choose, will start out on one big lie. Other than that, everything’s dandy.
-Chris, David, and Morgan go skeet shooting on the 2nd group date. More excitement. Chris won by being the only one to shoot the plate with his gun. Well, at least that’s what the editing had us believe. The best part was Rachel telling the boys, “Ok, you all get one shot. Whoever hits the plate will get alone time” and there she is keeping score on her clipboard. Exactly what was she writing down? Pretty simple to me. Each guy gets one shot. If one out of the three hit it, they get alone time with you. Do you really need to keep track of this? I mean God forbid, two guys hit their target and we’re faced with a tie. She’ll be scribbling all over that thing.
-Chris wins, gets the alone time, and utters the Quote of the Night. Chris: “I’m so happy with everything in my life right now. But when 8, 9, 10 o’clock rolls around every night, I get lonely.” Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris. C’mon buddy. Do you really need to be telling a national television audience the times at which you like to rub one out at night? I mean, we probably could’ve done without that visual, thank you. Nothing screams out louder “I’ll screw anything in the house” than “when 8, 9, 10 o’clock rolls around every night, I get lonely.” And there might be a reason we saw Chris exit the show last night. Rachel just can’t be friends with a guy who’ll be blind in a couple years with all the jerking off he’s accustomed to. So actually she did the guy a favor.
-Commercial. “The Bourne Supremacy” was the big box office winner over the weekend raking in a cool $55 million. Not bad. But of course, that wasn’t the most important movie news of the weekend. Not even close actually. The most important thing we heard on the movie scene was that the third Star Wars installment finally has a title, “Star Wars – Episode III: Revenge of the Sith”. Do you know how many pencil neck geeks finally came out and saw sunlight yesterday after getting that news? Now instead of sitting in front of their computer in their underwear like they have been since Star Wars Episode II was released, finally they can shower, put on their “Return of the Jedi” t-shirt five sizes too small and their Britanica jeans and head out to the local theatre to get in line for a movie opening in May of next year. What a life a Star Wars fan must lead. Some days I wake up and I just thank the Lord, as crappy as my life is sometimes, it’s never come close to being pathetic as that.
-Rachel’s time to pick who’s art was the best and who’ll get the one-on-one date with her. She chooses Morgan’s masterpiece, which they bring with them in limo, and is never seen again ever. By anyone. Probably given to the local grammar school to show what not to ever draw if you want to be successful in life. But if you ever want to get into a American Airline’s bartenders pants, that’s what you strive for. Before the limo even takes off, Rachel leans in and goes after Morgan’s tongue. I never knew such sh***y art could get you laid, but apparently I was wrong.
-I’ve noticed Morgan is battling Jordan for being the worst dressed male on the show. He’s got on pin-striped pants, with a black boots up to mid-calf, and a jeans jacket. What look is he going for here? The “I’m-trying-to-be-hip-but-I’m-mixing-in-some-80’s-look-to-go-with-it”, or the “I’ve-given-up-on-life-and-Jordan-now-dresses-me” look? I’m totally confused right now.
-Date begins, and so do Morgan’s lies. Morgan: “I’ve only had three meaningful relationships in my life. And in all of them I learned something new. How to be a better communicator, what I need to improve on, blah blah blah blah blah…” I stopped listening at this point. This putz is strictly here for the money and is doing everything in his power to reel her in like a white girl to Kobe’s hotel room. Might as well just start calling Rachel “Kobe’s accuser”. Or “alleged victim”. Or whatever they’re calling her nowadays. How about calling her by her name since she’s an adult? I mean, doesn’t everyone know it by now? Haven’t we all seen the pictures of her on the internet by now? You haven’t? Well, let’s just say Kobe must’ve been especially horny that night if that’s what he cheated with. Be a little freakin’ selective next time Kobe. Geez. You put your career in jeopardy for THAT?
-Rachel: “The qualities I find attractive in Morgan, are also the qualities that scare me.” Now wait a minute. Didn’t Preston say the same thing about Rachel? He did, didn’t he? The things that he liked about her made him the most nervous, or something to that extent? At what point in FLOM 4 is Preston going to appear saying he dumped PJ, he made a mistake, and wants a 2nd chance at Rachel? Can’t that happen just for entertainment sakes? Please?
-Rachel: “I really enjoyed kissing Morgan in the hammock. Part of me was playing him…Once when I opened my eyes, he was staring right at me. I was thinking, ‘Good, he likes me.’” Or he could’ve been staring at you thinking to himself, “I’ve got this woman completely fooled and can’t wait to walk away with the money.” Although at this point, Morgan only had a $1 to his name. But since he knew right then he was stealing Caleb’s $1 million check, I’m sure he had other intentions. He’s a sleaze.
-When he comes back from his date, the guys huddle around like a bunch of 8th grade girls again begging to him to tell the details of his date. And in un-guylike fashion, when asked if he kissed Rachel, Morgan says, “No.” I guess he’s decided to use a little strategy. Strategy sucks. Just tell em’ everything you did. We all know this game is coming down to you and Mike anyway at this point. Like David S. has a snowball’s chance in hell. I didn’t even know David S. was still around until about 3 ½ minutes ago. Who’s David S. and when was he allowed on the show?
-Mike the Good Samaritan is at it again. Now he’s telling Morgan before he has to make his decision, that Caleb told him, he has a $1 million check. Morgan questions whether to believe Mike or not, but you know he will. It’s too obvious. So now it’s time to head into the study where all the checks are and make his decision on if he’s going to exchange his check for someone else’s, or if he’ll keep his own. Jordan appears in his wort suit and tie in four FLOM series yet. This one is a blue, lavender, and purple striped dress shirt with the lavender type tie that has a design. The wardrobe has officially taken on a life of its own. May God have mercy on his sould.
-So Morgan decides to take Caleb’s check, which is the only $1 million check left. Morgan: “Up to this point, I’ve brought out my ‘C’ game, now it’s time for the ‘A’ game.” Thanks for the warning. I can’t wait to see you getting more clever as the game goes along. You seem totally overwhelmed by the whole situation and we can’t wait to see you crack under pressure. Or you can just keep your money and be gone with it. Girls like Rachel are a dime a dozen. Head down to your local bar this weekend and there’ll be about 15 of her kind in there. Or go fly Southwest and pick up on her.
-Caleb’s a little upset his check was taken for some unknown reason. Caleb (to Morgan): “If someone told you the value of my check, then it’s personal with me.” Why? Apparently everyone in the house knew what you had, so it couldn’t have been that important to you. Morgan might actually be right for a change. He might be a complete greaseball playing the game better than anyone, but at least he’s not hiding it. He’s letting everyone know he’s there for money by dumping his $1 check for something bigger.
-Tonight is the big elimination night and tension is riding high. We’re getting quotes from all five guys remaining and the consensus is no one knows who’s going home tonight. I do. Anyway, Mike is really feeling the tension, so he decides to stand out on the balcony and spin a basketball in his hand. Huh? Where did that come from? Has an shot ever been thrown in more out of left field than that one? They’ve never even hinted that Mike ever even dreamed about basketball, yet there he is spinning like he’s a freakin’ Globetrotter before the biggest elimination to date. Very funny stuff.
-Chris gets Quote of the Night II in just before being eliminated. Chris: “Everybody’s very contemplative about what’s gonna happen tonight.” Maybe that is the correct pronunciation, but it seems way off to me. “Contemplative”? Is he Don King now? I would think the sentence he was looking for was, “Everyone was contemplating what was going to happen tonight.” Hey, I was no English major, I know that. But I swear that sentence is wrong. That word is completely made up. “Contemplative?” Can’t be. Please tell me I’m right. This is bothering me, as you can tell.
Elimination time.....
Mike: "There's obvious chemistry....you're always fun....I look forward to more of that.....I caught 90210 reruns last night, and I'm now convinced you used Kelly to get back at Valerie, but I'm over it....I'd love for you stay."
Morgan: "I'm glad you opened up to me...felt so comfortable....I loved laying in the hammock with you.....especially when you tried to mount me and then the rope broke and we came crashing down...that was so romantic....I'd like you to stay."
Caleb: "Gosh...you just wow'ed me on our date....you opened up to me more which is exactly what I wanted....and I'm still totally confused as to why I want to even keep you around considering you were flaunting your check amount around to everyone....Please stay."
-Commercial. They'll get back to the final two of Chris and David S. after a word from your local sponsors. The Democratic National Convention is the talk of the night, as Slick Willy showed up and got a standing ovation from the students. This guy is unbelievable. I mean, I'm still baffled to this day that the President of the United States not only cheated on his wife, but did it in the Oval Office, and everyone loved the guy even more after the fact. Trust me, I can think of hundreds of worse things the President can do than get a hummer, but still, the guy cheated. And he was the President. And his approval rating went up. America doesn't care. We're a BJ country. As long as his mistake was something sexual, and he got some pleasure out of it, then by God, it's all right with us. You go Willie!
Chris: "I loved your energy...you have the ability to show me who you are....you're going to make the world a better place....however, there was no romantic chemistry and kissing you is like kissing my brother...I see you better as a friend....See ya sport..." Wait, didn't she use the "let's be friends line last week?" She's not very creative is she? At least think of something new.
David S.: "I love your sense of humor....haven't had much of a chance to be together....and quite frankly, you have no chance of winning, I'm sparing you the embarrassment of asking two people to leave tonight instead of one, so enjoy your last week here...."
-So next week, apparently the game takes a "dramatic turn" for the guys and according to one of these boneheads, "She has no idea we're playing this game!" And what makes you think that? Because you've been so quick to pick up on everything else so far? I don't think it's any secret Mike and Morgan are ending up in the finals. Who will she pick? Hell if I know. There's still 437 more twists coming where she'll know the previous value of one of their old checks but the guys won't know that she knows, but they'll know that she's playing for a million without her knowing. Got it? Neither do I. Neither do any of us. What's going on in this game? Keep it coming....
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