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FOR LOVE OR MONEY LINKS
8.2.04
“For Love or Money” is really beginning to learn from its past mistakes. Last season, instead of just airing a 2 hour finale, they split it up into two one hour shows, which made my life much much easier. Now, next week’s finale not only looks to be an hour long, but there's still three dorks remaining. So they can cut out all the fluff from the get go and we can immediately start in with the good juicy stuff. I like good and juicy as opposed to fluff. Makes for much better television. And speaking of good and juicy, “US Weekly” (the greatest gossip magazine ever), reported last week that after attending a Vogue function in Chicago, Preston returned to his room at the “W” hotel only to find Rachel there. She apparently had snuck in at 4 am. Some sources say he “declined Rachel’s advances” yet other hotel guests say they spotted her leaving at 9 am. I’ll believe the former. Makes for much juicier gossip. And because whatever “US Weekly” reports, I believe. Even though this is also the same rag that had a two-page layout of Lindsay Lohan and Wilmer Valderrama groping each other poolside at a charity function. I don’t care what I saw in the pictures. It didn’t happen. That’s all make believe stuff and they’re living in a make believe world. At least, that’s what I keep convincing myself happened. Let’s begin….
-One quick note before we begin, here is a link to an article in today’s Maine Times Record written by reporter Mike Reagan, probably the greatest columnist in North America.
http://www.timesrecord.com/website/main.nsf/news.nsf/0/7A387D77F04E808C05256EE500576217?Opendocument
Why, you ask? Well, he interviewed me for the article. Pardon me if I’m a tad biased towards the guy. I spoke with him last Thursday after he contacted me through the site looking to do an interview for a reality television article he was doing on Jared from “Next Action Star”, who’s from Maine. Hopefully when Mike Reagan finally wins the Pulitzer Prize, he’ll look back on that column and realize that’s where it all started. Or something like that.
-I’ve given up on FLOM’s opening theme song. Every week I try and write down the lyrics, and every week I only get the first sentence. The song is freakin’ three sentences long, and my memory sucks so bad, I can’t remember the damn thing. And who wrote that crap anyway? Whoever did put a huge run-on sentence in there that has me completely fooled to this day. “Why don’t you just tape it Steve, and watch it later as many times as you want?” Shutup. Probably why I’m so pissed. I keep forgetting to tape it. I’m a frustrated individual with numerous things running through my head at any given moment. You think it’s that easy to run upstairs, put a tape in, and hit “record”, which would take all of about six seconds? Thought so.
-When the show opens, Morgan joined Rick from the “Bachelorette” in the category of “flaming metrosexuals”. He had his big can of “Aqua Net” and was spraying his hair while destroying the ozone layer at the same time. What???? Guys still use hairspray? Since when? Hey, I dilly up my hair every morning, but not with hairspray. I think I stopped using that when I stopped using “Drakkar”. Yikes.
-Time for sexually confused Jordan to appear. Two episodes left in this series, and it looks like our man just went for a complete makeover. Out are the pink shirts with the pink ties, and the ridiculous suit outfits. He’s now raided the “GAP’s” sweater collection, and apparently was in the boys, and not men’s section. The striped beige sweater he thieved could have possibly been twelve sizes too small. But I could be stretching that a bit. Whatever it was, I was embarrassed for him. And apparently he went to the salon too, because he had a new do’ that was very short and spiky. He definitely looked like Will from “Will and Grace” last night. I remember I used to call him that back in the day, then I stopped for whatever reason. With only tonight and next week’s episode left, he will now be referred to as Metro Will.
-M.W. informs us that tonight will be the “I-could-have-four-dates-with-one-guy-or-four-dates-with-four-guys” night. This is the very original date night where Rachel starts out on a date with a man of her choosing and every three hours (noon, 3:00, and 6:00) decides if she wants to continue with that person, or choose someone else. They’ve done this every season, and inevitably, you know someone is going to get left out. Getting left out is the greatest. Here’s a FLOM fact that you can share with your friends, wives, colleagues to impress the sh** out of them: To this day, anyone who’s ever gotten left out of this date has never gone on to win “For Love or Money”. Tell that to a co-worker. They might really think highly of you.
-Mike: “I was hoping I’d be first because that shows me that I’m the first thing that she thinks about in the morning.” Well, either that, or she didn’t know how to work the picture phone and she pressed the wrong button. Regardless, Mike ended up being first, so he got to continue to think Rachel wants to see him first thing in the morning. I love how they propped all the guys in front of the big screen every three hours and someone’s horrible camera phone picture appeared. As great as technology has become today, has anyone in the United States ever looked good in a picture taken off a phone? Didn’t think so.
-Rachel (on her date with Mike): “I needed some answers from Mike….I didn’t want to make small talk, I needed to get deep.” Whoa, girl. Slow down a second. His clothes are still on. Is this allowed on network television before 9:30pm? Didn’t everyone seeing Janet Jackson right boob put an end to all this? Apparently NBC never got that memo since they’d allow such filth on the air. I’m disgusted.
-Mike and Rachel went somewhere that I can’t recall for their three hour date to play Bochy ball. Who thinks of this stuff to do for them? Do people really play Bochy ball on dates? Whatever. Mike didn’t care. He was just checking out Rachel’s outfit. Mike: “She rocked it like she does most outfits.” Like a hurricane, Mike? She “rocked” it? Was it “totally radical” what she had on? My watch does say August 2nd, 2004 right? We are in the 21st century, correct? Just checking.
-When Rachel broke out her ridiculous Bochy ball skills and was killing Mike, he called her a “hustler”. Rachel: “I got all nervous inside when he called me a ‘hustler’”. I didn’t get this. Was she afraid he would see that she was more talented at the game than she was letting on? Or did she think that he would think that “Hustler” is her favorite magazine and she’d do anything for a one page pictorial in it? Larry Flynt is just a phone call away, Rachel. I’m sure you’ll have an offer the minute the show ends. I can see it now: “Women of the Airlines: Hot Stewardesses Take it All Off 20,000 Feet In the Air”. I might purchase that.
-Commercial. Uh oh. We are now being inundated with Olympic Opening Ceremony commericals. A week from this Friday will be a night everyone is glued to their television watching absolutely nothing happening except a bunch of people from countries we don’t care about, with about a 0.000001% of winning any medals, walking through a crowded stadium. Exciting stuff. And here’s more hype for the US Women’s Gymnastic Team. Is Keri Strugg on this one too? Or is she completely grown up now and at 21 years old, just too old for this? Do you realize that as big of a deal as they made out of that jump in those Olympics, the US team had already won the gold medal no matter what she did? But the Olympics is all about hype anyway, so I guess they got what they wanted. And she got her endorsement deals. And she still sounds five years old.
-David S.’s bad picture appears on the screen at 12:00 and he gets the next date. When Mike returns home, Caleb confronts him about Mike not telling him he kissed Rachel for 10 minutes during those two’s group date. Apparently Caleb wants to be told everything about everyone else’s date since he likes telling people exactly how much his check is, what he and Rachel did on their date, what she was wearing, where they went, Rachel’s social security number, and what her favorite cereal is. Caleb, not all these guys are as stupid as you. Keep your mouth shut and just play the game.
-David and Rachel go rollerblading in the park for their date, yet another date I’m guessing David didn’t choose on his own. Yet Rachel’s having a blast. Rachel: “I need someone fun. I need someone playful. Life’s too short.” Not short enough where you’d catch me rollerblading. Maybe David enjoyed his date, maybe he didn’t, but isn’t it a state law that if you’re a guy, and you’re going to go rollerblading, you must wear a fanny pack to make the experience that much more embarrassing? I thought it was, but I guess I could be wrong.
-Rachel is just oozing with the compliments for David: “You have some of the qualities to build a foundation on.” What qualities would those be? Can you please explain? I’m lost. I haven’t really seen anything that David’s done which has made me go, “Wow, he has some of the qualities that Rachel can build a foundation on.” But maybe that’s just me. Maybe he does it for her in other ways like, “I’m keeping his ass around because once I pick him, I know he’ll pick me, then I can tell him, ‘See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya’, and walk away with my $1 million.” I think that’s why David is still on this show.
-This date really didn’t consist of much. Just her B.S.’ing him into liking her so he gives her options, a few kisses here and there, and some wine tasting. I think we’re beginning to see exactly where Rachel is headed with two of the guys, and with the finale next week, I still haven’t made up my mind what the hell I think is going to happen. Gimmie til’ the end of this column, and hopefully I’ll have an answer before then.
-Commercial. “Alien vs. Predator” starts Friday. Hey, if “Jason vs. Freddie” can pull in as much money as it did when it opened, I expect this one to draw just as big, if not bigger numbers this weekend. And of course I’ll be there in line Friday night, are you kidding me? That’s a no-brainer. Can we get a cameo from Sigourney Weaver please? Or maybe from Arnold? Or even Winona Ryder? Here, we’ll play a game. I’ll throw out a list of movies, and you tell me which one doesn’t belong: “Heathers”, “Reality Bites”, “Boys”, “Beetlejuice”, “Edward Scissorhands”, “Girl, Interrupted”, “Alien Resurrection”, “Lucas” (one of the more underrated 80’s teen flicks of all time), “Great Balls of Fire”, “The Crucible”, “Little Women”, “Hook”, “Mermaids”, and “Mr. Deeds”. That’s what I thought. Did she fire her agent after he got her that gig? Where the hell did that come from? And yes, I went to Yahoo.com to find a list of all the movies she’s been in. Of those fourteen, I could’ve probably named half without looking. I’m not THAT much of a stalker.
-At 3:00, Caleb’s freckled mug appears on the big screen, and he finally stopped wetting his pants about getting picked. If he didn’t appear, there was a good chance this guy was going to just go kill himself. Rachel: “I want Caleb to open up even more so we can take it to the next level.” What level is that? And what level are you currently on? Also, what are the different levels? Is this just girl-speak for “I haven’t gotten in his pants yet, and I’m hoping this date that I can.” Hmmmm….
-Third date today that was at some park and Rachel is beside herself again. “I’m on an amazing date with an amazing guy…I needed to see something romantic with Caleb, and when he leaned in to kiss me, I got that.” Rachel is Bob Guiney-ing with all the guys right now, and back at the house, the chicks are onto her. David came back from his date and turned himself into the gossip queen. David: “Did I make out with her? C’mon. What do you think? Yeah. And she’s the one who started it.” This had Mike and Morgan in a tizzy. Well, maybe not Mike. He doesn’t really care about anything in the world other than Rachel apparently. Nothing bothers him ever. Morgan on the other hand, was a complete mess.
-Morgan: “Maybe she needs to kiss a bunch of frogs to find her prince.” Or maybe she was just done kissing a pig like yourself, and has already found her prince. Whatever the case, Morgan is squirming just a tad bit more now that there’s only one date left and he hasn’t gotten one yet. He’s becoming all disheveled, he’s turning red, one of hairs is out of place now, I mean this guy is a wreck. Someone call a medic.
-Back to Caleb and Rachel’s lovefest. In the park, two chairs that were shaped like hands were set up, but Rachel was impressed that Caleb told her to come sit on his lap. In fact, I think the line Caleb used was, “Hey sweetie, come here and sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up.” That line never fails. Neither does, “Is that a mirror in your pocket, cuz’ I can sure see myself in your pants.” Or how about, “If I tell you that you have a great body, will you hold it against me?” Or maybe even the classic, “Uh, hey, you wanna have sex tonight?” There are really fools out there that use this sh**. No joke. Not me of course. Other than in a joking matter, I can honestly say that I’ve never used a pick up line in my life. I couldn’t even if I tried. I don’t have it in me to release such a line that would have me cracking up within seconds of it coming out my mouth. Who says stuff like that to get laid? I’ll tell you who: Every guy with a penis who walks into a club with all his buddies. Minus me.
-Caleb starts showing some semblance of balls on his date with Rachel when she starts to get frisky. Rachel: “I don’t have a problem getting what I want from men, especially when it comes to being physical.” Caleb: “I won’t kiss someone who’s kissing all the other guys.” Ooooooohhhhhhhh…….bussssssssssssssteeeeeeeed. You go Caleb. Rachel takes him back in the car, and basically tries to rape him, but Caleb wants none of it. He’s gonna be a man in this situation. He’s gonna play a little hard to get. He’s not giving in right away. No sir. He’s Caleb. He’s gonna show Rachel that she can’t always get what she wants. Not with him. He’s wearing the pants in this relationship. What he says, goes. She’s not gonna dictate anything to him. He’ll kiss when he wants to kiss…..yeah right. That lasted a whole fifteen seconds before his tongue was firmly planted into her mouth. That was the best moment of the season, by far. Caleb actually tried to convince us he was going to hold out and not kiss a girl was basically straddling him in the car. Uh huh. We can all do that.
-Rachel: “The men were all good kissers…..but Caleb’s was the end all be all.” Am I missing something here? I mean, I understand that I wasn’t the one who was actually kissing Caleb, but is this guy wow’ing you as much as he’s wow’ing Rachel? I don’t get it. And what a surprise that the kiss Rachel got from Caleb, you know, the one where she was denied at first and the one that was the hardest to get, was also the most satisfying to her. Never happens that way. Like I said, I didn’t kiss the four guys, and maybe Caleb’s tongue did things that apparently the other three’s couldn’t, but please. We all know why she liked his kiss the best. She had to work for it. That’s human nature. If she’s so wow’ed by Caleb, he’ll win this thing. And I don’t think he will.
-As we head to commerical, the guys are wondering who’s gonna get the last date. Morgan: “She’s saving the best for last.” Mike: “I fully expect Morgan to get it.” Which basically made it clear after the fact that Morgan wasn’t getting the last date. When people start predicting what they think will happen, that’s where things go south. Then announcer boy comes in with, “Who does Rachel send home? It’s not who you think.” Huh? When Morgan gets stoned for his last date and she picks Mike, I’m guessing the majority of the people would be thinking that Morgan is the one getting the boot. So how is Morgan getting booted “not who we think”? Didn’t make sense to me.
-Rachel: “On my first date with Mike, I didn’t get anything I was looking for.” Translation: He didn’t spend nearly enough time relaying to me how much he wanted to throw me down and attack me like a wild animal. I need that. I need Mike to show me how much he wants me because I can’t stand it if men don’t want me. I think basically that was the gist of what she was getting at.
-Morgan is upstairs being a bitter pill at the world. Morgan: “Sweet…I’m glad someone got to leave this f***in house today.” Easy there, Morgan. Remember last week, you were the top dog. Head honcho. Big cheese. You were the man. Now all the sudden your ego’s taken a little beating, hasn’t it? Awwwwww…poor baby. I’m sure everyone watching feels deeply sorry for you. We really do.
-Rachel to Mike: “I don’t know if you like me.” Well, at least she’s not beating around the bush anymore. Now she just decides to tell him to his face he needs to want her or else he’s going home. That’s a good strategy. Hey, it worked. Mike said some stuff back that apparently convinced her he liked her. So they decided to hop in the jacuzzi. But first, Mike needs to go upstairs to get in his bathing suit. Now all the other guys see what he’s up to and they get more jealous at him. Like Mike cares. He’s about to hop in the jacuzzi with Rachel and her two friends.
-Mike’s reaction when seeing Rachel and the cans come walking into the jacuzzi: “Her body’s bangin’.” Who is he, William Hung? Who says this stuff? “Talk to me….tell me your name….” I haven’t used the word “bangin” to describe anyone’s body since, well…ever. So she was “rockin’” that dress she had on earlier, and now her body’s “bangin”? Maybe these two are meant for each other.
-The chicks upstairs were analyzing the reason for Mike’s second date, and Morgan not getting one. Was she unsure about Mike and secure enough with Morgan that she needed more time to decide what she wanted with Mike? Or, did she take Mike out a second time because she likes him the most, and wants to spend more time with him? Well, I guess we got our answer during Elimination Night. And good thing Morgan was wrong. Anything that makes him look bad, I’m all for. See, I’d play this game completely different. If I knew who I wanted to pick, that person would get all four dates. Why mess around with the others? That’s such a Firestone-Guiney-Palmer trick. Who needs that? Another reason why I’d never go on one of these shows. I’m too honest.
-Commercial. After a week of sleepless nights, we finally get to see the “Who Wants to be Be Our New Mommy?” finale. I don’t think the biggest question will necessarily be “Will he pick Stacy or Suzanne?”, I much more interested in finding out if Marty’s hair can stay in one place for a whole six week show. It hasn’t moved once. Surgery will do that to you, I guess. But if you want all my thoughts on how that finale ended up, “Reality Roundup” will be up tomorrow. I definitely have a few thoughts on Kleenex ridden finale.
-Elimination night. “Someone’s going home, and it’s not who you think it is.” Uhhhh, yes it is. Whatever. Quit trying to fool us.
David: “I had a blast with you….very comfortable….needed alone time….you’re a lot of fun…and you’re so someone that I need to keep here in case I don’t like Mike and want to grab that $1 million….I’d like you to stay.”
Caleb: “It gets better and better with you….you wow’ed me even more on our last date (ok, moratorium on the word “wow’ed”. I’m sick of it)…..I loved it when you let me sit on your lap….we almost created a baby you were so excited…..I’d like you to stay.”
Morgan: “You have this confidence about you….your presence….I find that attractive in a man….I had a great time with you….BUT….our attraction wasn’t as strong as I initially thought it was…..plus, I don’t like guys who use “Aqua Net”….I’m gonna have to ask for the ring back.”
Mike: “You held back a bit in the beginning….next date, you came through…the other two have no chance of ever ending up with me, so, I’d like you stay one more week so I can decide if you’ll take your $250 grand over me or not.”
-Morgan walked away quite bitter at the whole situation since he thought he was the cat’s meow. Morgan: “If she was looking for a “relationship”, then she should’ve looked for someone like myself.” Really? Even though you were clearly playing for the money, and basically told all of us that you were? I don’t think most people were disappointed to see Morgan go, if I had to guess. What will happen next week? Hmmmm…tough one. I think she wants to pick Mike, and have him pick her, then she’ll turn down the $1 million to be with him. I’ll go with that. As money grubbing as she comes across, I think she’ll end up going against being the cold hearted bitch, and turn the cash down. And Mike will no doubt pick her over his $250,000. As for Caleb and David, they can start dating each other for all I care. Hey, they have $2 to throw into a joint checking account to start if they want. Until next week…
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