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8.9.04
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8.9.04
Wow. I’m starting to shed a tear. No, not for overwhelming outpouring of love I saw between Rachel and Caleb last night. Not quite. But for the fact that I I just realized this is my last column until the beginning of September when the “Bachelor” starts. What am I going to do with myself? I mean, “Joe Schmo 2” ends tonight, “Last Comic Standing” ends Thursday night, and “Outback Jack” ends, well, when does that end? Considering I told you I’d make every effort to check it out, frankly, I haven’t watched even three seconds of that show. I guess I have “Amish in the City” to hold me over for a while, but I’m certainly not going to write about it. So to get this straight, this will obviously be the last FLOM column, and there will be NO MORE “Reality Roundups” after this week. This week’s “Reality Roundup” will be posted tomorrow. And that’s it. For a whole month. I can finally have back some semblance of a social life. That is, until the “Bachelor” starts and I’m back writing about two 40 year old dudes, including a pro bass fisherman, looking for love. Oh goodie. Let’s begin….
-So it finally happened. I was smart enough to tape the show, and when it was over, go back and write down the greatest show lyrics in reality dating tv show history. You ready? Here they come. Amazing someone got paid for this…..
Truuuuuuuuuuuee love is all I need But if I can’t find love will money ever be enough To make me happy For love or moneyyyyyyyyy
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Stunning lyrics I tell you. Yes, there is someone out there that probably made some pretty good coin putting those words together in a sentence, put a music bed behind it, and recorded it to air on a show watched by 10 million people weekly. I’m in the wrong profession.
-The show really begins when the three remaining guys are commenting about making the final three. I think Caleb made the best point when he said, “I never expected to be a part of the final three.” That makes 10 million of us, dude. I’m wow’ed by the fact that you’ve wow’ed Rachel on every date you’ve had. She’s wow’ed, I’m wow’ed, we’re all wow’ed. I guess my only question now is, “How did you do it?” You’re the biggest worry wart on the planet. More on that later.
-Jordan makes his first appearance of the night (one of many I might add), and his attire isn’t half bad. Brown suit, not a real ugly shirt or tie to speak of. But I did notice one thing: Jordan’s not feeling too well. He was definitely under the weather. You could tell by the tone of his voice he was sick. Can we pause for a second? Was I just able to recognize that the host of a reality dating show, who maybe appears for a total of one minute an episode, has a different pitch in his voice thus concluding he must be sick? Thank God I’m not writing for another month. I definitely need to get out more. Holy sh**. I’m scaring myself.
-Sick Jordan presents four mystery checks to the guys, two of them worth $1 million, two of them are worth $1. Each guy has the opportunity to swap out his check for a mystery one, just like last season. And holding true to form, all three guys do it. Mike and Caleb are surprised David swapped his out since they both thought he had at least 250K. Nope. David only had a $1 this whole time. He even had the guys fooled. They were totally baffled by this. David’s playing a very, very smart game. Including in this is not only how he’s tricked Rachel thus far, but also, how he’s tricked us too. What’s David even doing here? Is his dad one of the cameramen? Who does David have naked pictures of? Baffling.
-Commercial (one of about 3,000 it seemed last night). Opening ceremonies are this Friday. Can you feel the anticipation and excitement. Especially with the reminders coming every seventeen seconds on NBC with their “Moments we never forget” promos. They show a lot previous moments that were supposed make us remember how much we all care about the Olympics. Well, they left two out for me. First one being Greg Louganis bouncing his head off the diving board and doing a face plant into the pool. That’s one of my all-time moments. Funny stuff. Especially when he gets out of the pool, wailing away, and someone gives him a washcloth to dry off with. Can we get these people normal sized towels please? Anyway, the other moment I’ll never forget is that pipe bomb going off in Centennial Park at the Summer Games in Atlanta. Two very, very key things to note about that moment: We still aren’t any closer today to finding out who set that bomb off in front of thousands of people than we were 8 years ago, and secondly, well, the fact that the Summer Olympics were held in Atlanta, Georgia. Just think of all the historic cities we’ve held the Summer Games at and just know that somehow, someway, Atlanta pulled them for a year. How the f*** did that happen? Atlanta?
-Rachel’s first 24 hour date is with David. And her miniskirt is almost, not quite, up past her ass. Apparently she thinks like, wearing short, short, short mini skirts will grab a man’s attention or something. I don’t know. I didn’t notice it at all until she sat down in the limo and I could basically see her whole backyard. Thanks.
-On their date, both people are trying to impress. Rachel needs to give the impression she actually likes the guy, so he’ll think she likes him, which would make him more likely to pick her if she picks him. And David must impress Rachel for the same reason. The only way he can even think about a 50/50 shot at a million dollars is if she picks him. Got it? So David’s already laying it on thick. David: “You have all the qualities I look for in a person.” Translation: I love the fact your skirt is riding up so high on you, that I’ve been able to see the color of your thong about twenty different times already on this date.
-So they change for the nighttime portion of the date, and Rachel apparently felt skirt #1 wasn’t short enough, so she went shorter with this green mini. A darker green, so you really can’t see through as much, but nonetheless, just as short as revealing as skirt #1. I swear, at this pace, by date #3 she’ll just be walking around bottomless. And none of the guys will care.
-During their dinner, when I was looking down writing down in my notes “The bottom of Rachel’s 2nd skirt is practically even with her hoo-ha”, I only hear this exchange between David and Rachel. Rachel: “Can I get a kiss?” David: “Where?” Rachel: “Right here.” By the time I looked up, the kiss was already over, so, you could imagine what I thought happened there. Guess I’ll never know. Just answer me this: Did she have him kiss her right or left buttock?
-After dinner, they sat by the fireplace, much like her last night with Preston, and made out. They talked too, but mostly made out. Rachel: “He definitely showed interest when he said he didn’t like thinking of me with the other men.” Ummm, honey. Let me fill you in on something. No guy does. And for that matter, no girl does either. I don’t know if “interest” is the word to describe his feelings of thinking of you with other guys. Try “jealousy” or “hatred”. That might do it. If he actually didn’t care and didn’t give any emotion to the thought of you with other guys, then you’d have a problem. Because then either he’s gay, or he’s into voyeurism. One of the two.
-So after David and Rachel’s make out fest in front of the fire, David gives us the 2nd best Quote of the Night. David: “She’s not the greatest kisser in the world to me.” Ouch. That can’t be good for one’s ego. Maybe they told Rachel he said that and that’s why she dumped him. Then again, maybe not. Maybe she just dumped him because he’s David S. and no one really cares about him. Nice guy, but, you know where they say nice guys always finish. Ain’t it the truth.
-Caleb’s date begins right after she’s through having David mount her in the limo on the way back, and Caleb is acting like a horses ass. She tries to kiss him immediately and he responds with, “Nope.” Rachel: “He had an attitude right off the bat.” That’s Caleb. Mr. Negative. Mr. Worry Wart. Mr. “I’m-not-gonna-kiss-you-if-you’ve-been-kissing-other-guys-ewwww-gross”. Lighten up, Caleb. Why is this guy always angry or bothered by something. Granted, it’s probably been tough enough his parents stuck him with the name “Caleb” since birth, but no reason to take it out on Rachel. And has this guy ever seen a reality dating show before. That’s what people do. They make out and get fondled by every one of their suitors, and whoever’s the best, they choose. This guy’s a dope.
-So this blatant ignoring of Rachel’s advances happen throughout the whole first portion of their date. Her trying to have sex with him through her clothes and him pushing her away like she’s a dog who won’t leave you alone. On and on this goes, and frankly it got a little annoying. I mean Caleb, if you don’t want the girl, just eliminate yourself from the game and we can all move on with this. His blatant ignoring, constant doubting, and numerous references to “I don’t know if I want this” should’ve been clue #1 that this guy was going to pick her over the money. It was way too over-the-top of him to act like that, or for NBC to show that side of him, and not have him pick her in the end.
-Back at the house, David reveals to Mike he didn’t think Rachel was a good kisser. To which Mike says, “If a girl’s a bad kisser, I can’t date her.” Amen, brother. True dat’. I would never name names in this column of any past experiences I’ve had, even though come to think of it, I think have before. But it wasn’t in a negative way. Anytime I bring up a name from my past, it’s usually either neutral or positive. I would never embarrass anyone like that. However, the story I have of the worst kisser ever really has me thinking whether or not I should reveal her name. Nahhhhhh. Can’t do it. I’m not that cold. Just know that it was about four years ago, it was girl I met through work meaning we sort of worked together so therefore it was doomed from the start, and basically she kissed like she was gasping for air. I think her whole goal when trying to kiss me was to see if she could literally stick my whole head in her mouth. By far, the worst experience of my life. I don’t think I ever even looked at her at work after that date. I still have nightmares to this day. How can someone be 23, 24 years old and not have a clue on how to kiss? Mind boggling. Ok, enough about her. I’m getting sick.
-Back to The Whiner’s date. Caleb: “I just don’t trust people that easily.” Will someone put a muzzle on this guy? So if you have a problem with her being with other guys, if you don’t necessarily believe you can meet someone on a dating show, and if you have trust issues, exactly what prompted you to try out for this show? I don’t get it. Some people’s idiocy makes me break out in hives.
-Even Rachel’s had enough of this sh**. Rachel: “What I feel for you is real. You can believe me or not believe me, and I’ll leave you with that.” Damn right woman. You tell him. Translation: Look pal, either you get your act together and quit acting like you’re on your period all the time, or God forbid, I’m still gonna choose you over the guy who the producers are making everyone think I’m gonna pick. This show is crazy.
-And what’s up with these so-called “fantasy dates”? These first two dates weren’t anything out of the ordinary. It seems like the dates were getting less creative as the show went on. Did the producers just blow their wad on all the beginning dates, then halfway through the show realize, “Uh oh. We spent ¾ of our budget in the first three weeks. Let’s scale back on the dates. Only limo rides and picnic tables from here on out.” Bizarro. And how come they didn’t bust out the “If you’d wish to forgo your separate rooms, here’s the key to the suite where you can go back and boink as much as you want on our dime”? That was disappointing.
-Mike’s date about to begin, and he came out of left field with this quote. Mike: “Rachel’s had a taste of all us….she’s gotta know who she wants to pick by now.” Uhhhhhhhh…..ok. Did I really need to know that? Can you say that on NBC without some 90 year old man who works for the FCC throwing out fines like it’s nobody’s business? Pretty strong words there, Mikey. Sure you don’t want to rethink that one? Hey, I’m not questioning the validity of it at all. I’m just questioning whether or not it should’ve been said. Hell, we all know what he said is true. That’s a given.
-Commerical. I haven’t seen “Collateral” yet, but I’m looking forward to it. Highest grossing movie last weekend, and I’m sure it’ll do good again. Why? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because Tom Cruise is in it and people seem to like him. Good actor, about 5’3” on stilts, and most chicks in the free world want his baby. Too bad he seems to be batting for the wrong team. Eleven years of marriage to Nicole Kidman and they couldn’t conceive a child? Hmmmm…..tough one to comprehend. Maybe it was because they weren’t ready for a family after eleven years. Maybe neither of them liked kids. Maybe it was too much of a burden for both of them at that particular point of their careers. Or maybe it’s just sex is the furthest thing from Tom’s mind when he’s hanging out with someone of the opposite sex. Just maybe.
-Now Rachel and Mike’s date was a little more interesting than what the other two schlubs got. These two got a suite at the Argyle Hotel on Sunset Blvd. Cool place. Been there once. You don’t need to know why. Ok well, we were picking up a group of friends there so technically I spent a whole 5 minutes at the Argyle. But hey, it counts doesn’t it? This date was just more or less Rachel telling Mike everything he wanted to hear because she needed to have him believe she actually liked him. Now, did I miss something, or how come they didn’t make reference to the fact that she knew he had a $250,000 check. She knew this, right? How come she never said, “Mike’s the only one who’s check it is that I know?” She just kept saying on all these dates, “What if these guys choose money over me?” Whatever. I’m almost done with this show. I’m through trying to figure out strategies.
-Back at the house, Caleb the chick is still going at it. Caleb: “Maybe if she gets one of us chumps, she gets something herself.” See, here’s where the show kind of lost it for me. The guys know they’re on “For Love or Money”, and I’m guessing all of them know the concept of the show. Now, whether or not Rachel acts like she’s not supposed to know she’s on it, shouldn’t have to much too much bearing on these guys’ thought process. If they know they’re on it, and they know what happened last season, wouldn’t anyone with a half a brain put two and two together and think that there is definitely an outside chance that Rachel is playing for money? And didn’t I just say I was through analyzing this game? Gee, that lasted a hell of a long time.
-Back on their date, Rachel is at it again, but this time with Mike. Rachel: “Can I have a kiss? Do you like me? Where can we go do it?” Boy, she sure asks for a lot of kisses. Makes me wonder what else she asks for. Or begs for. On their dinner date, Rachel and Mike start speaking in code or something. Mike asked her something to the effect of, “Can you see us together for a long time?” He told her to give one wink for yes, and two winks for no. And of course, playing the game, she gave him one wink. Not that it took a lot of brains to make that move, but c’mon. This late in the game, is she really gonna tell the guy she doesn’t see them lasting very long? Please.
-Their makeout session by the fireplace was very hot and steamy. She was straddling him like a horse and he couldn’t contain himself. He almost let it slip out. No, not his unit, but his secret. Mike: “I could never give up on you forever.” He almost said, “I could never give up on you for money.” Whew. That was a close one. I think if Rachel would’ve gone with the “skirt-half-way-up-her-stomach” look, she might’ve gotten that out of him. Does she just wear those for easy access, or am I missing something? If Rachel went to Catholic school, she would’ve been kicked out by the 3rd grade for wearing her skirts two feet above her knees.
-So as Mike and Rachel are coming back in the limo, she’s laying down on her back contemplating her upcoming decision, while the back of Mike’s hand lays gently across her left breast. Rachel had no problems with it, Mike had no problems with it, and the producers didn’t have any problem with it. So what makes me think that either that frame was taken before he actually turned his hand over to cop a feel? This show just loves to tease us with subtle sexual hints. We know what really goes on. Once they quit trying to pretend it doesn’t and shows like “For Love or Money” move to Friday nights at 11:00pm on “Showtime”, this will be a much more entertaining show.
-Commercial. Another woman’s hair product I’ve never heard of. Maybeline has “Dream Matte Mousse”, or as I like to call it, “a jar of mud”. That stuff cleanses your face? It looks like a lightly colored chocolate frosting. Of course, there are worse things you can be rubbing all over your face than chocolate frosting, but that thing just didn’t look right in the jar. I’m not a woman, I don’t know how it works, I’m sure it does miracles for some people out there, but I wouldn’t be caught dead putting that crap on my face. And the funny thing about it is, I’m sure 10 other women’s cosmetic companies have the same exact product, just under a different name. Yet because Maybeline purchased ad time during “For Love or Money”, they’re hoping to get more sales. Advertising is stupid.
-Under-the-weather Jordan comes in to tell the boys they have one final chance to chat with Rachel before she makes her decision on who the final two will be. And boy, did flu-ridden Jordan save his worst for last. This putrid hot pink shirt he had on with the hideous yellow tie was an all-timer. Feel free to turn the lights on when you’re dressing, pal. You’re color coordination rivals that of Alexis Winston from “Ice Castles” after her accident (I could’ve gone with Helen Keller, or Stevie Wonder, or Ray Charles, but I figured, “Why pick an easy one when I can go with a more obscure blind person in cinematic history, and make myself look even more feminine by admitting not only have I seen ‘Ice Castles’, but I know the character’s names?”).
-So we’re brought back to the days of Rob Campos when each guy gets a fireside chat with Rachel before going out. They haven’t done this in a while. Or did they last season? I’ve already forgot. Whatever the case was, none of the guys said anything of importance, only that Mike didn’t help his cause when he said, “Hey, if you’re looking to have fun, I’m your guy” or something to that effect. Gee, don’t put too much thought into that, Mikey. Did you get that off a bathroom wall or something? One last chance to make an impression and you hit her with that? I don’t blame her for dumping your ass.
-1st Elimination Night tonight. Oh boy. We’re 45 minutes into the show, and I have a page and a half of notes written. Not good. I think I’m going to condense the 2nd hour. We’ll see. Onto the elimination….
Mike: “There’s definitely something there from the beginning…so much good in you…you’re open and real with me….you better change your “wanna-have-a-good-time-act” before next ceremony or else I’ll be forced to pick Caleb….I’d like you to stay.”
David: “I had fun with you…I expect nothing less every time I’m with you…nice to be in a romantic setting with you….there’s a definite attraction….definitely see us becoming close friends…..but I wouldn’t nail you if I was the horniest woman on the planet and the only people left to satisfy me on this earth were you, Richard Simmons, and Roger Ebert….I have to ask for the ring back.
Caleb: “Is your day any better?…we got off to a rocky start…but it ended up awesome….our connection grew even more….but if you even think about pulling that B.S. attitude and don’t immediately start groping me next time I see you, I’ll be forced to pick Mike….I’d like you to stay.”
-Commercial. I see that “Passions” and “Days of Our Lives” are having their Summer finales this week. Whoopee. I thought soap operas never went on hiatus? I thought they just keep running new episodes day after day after day after day so stay-at-home moms have something to keep them sane from their screaming children running around the house? I guess I shouldn’t rip people for watching daytime soaps to escape from their normal life. We’re all doing the same thing watching these nighttime soaps. Every once in a while you just need to escape from your normal daily routine, and just immerse yourself in stupidity and ignorance. That’s where “For Love or Money” comes in. Thanks FLOM. These last twelve weeks have been outstanding.
-So the reason this column got posted so late today was for two reasons. First, it took me 2 ½ hours to write about the first hour of the show, so I stopped and picked it up in the morning. And secondly, I had to go to the DMV this morning, so I purposely stopped writing last night to get some sleep, then finished it when I got back. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I will again today. I hate the DMV. And my hating the DMV is for different reasons than you probably think. I don’t hate the people that work at the DMV. I feel sorry for them. I’d be miserable too if I had to deal with absolute complete dregs of society for eight hours a day. Prime example: I’m in line and the DMV guy asks, “Raise your hand if you are here for a printout of your driving record.” Word for word, that’s what he said. Simple. Straightforward. No trickery involved in the question whatsoever. I raised my hand (because that’s what I was there for. My insurance company is trying to hose me for an accident I was never in. Another story for another day). Anyway, not two milliseconds after this is done coming out of his mouth, another lady raises her hand along with me. He asks, “You’re here for a printout of your driving record?” To which she responds, “I need to get a change of address.” What part of “Do you need a printout of your driving record” says “Hey, anyone looking to fill out paperwork for change of address?” Stupid, stupid, stupid. I can’t deal with stupid people. I felt like dropkicking her.
-So with still an hour left in the show, I really eased back on my notes because this could take years. But honestly, not a lot happened in the last hour of the show. I mean, you had the final elimination which took the last half hour, plus 6,000 commercials mixed in, and Caleb and Mike both expressing in 583 different ways how they feel about the decision they have to make, there really wasn’t much going on. So don’t worry. This isn’t too much longer.
-Fever Jordan sits both guys down to tell them about what’s left in the show. Basically just tells them the final night is tomorrow, she will pick one of them, and then they will decide will they choose her or money. Mike is at a loss. He still has no idea what to do. Then he delivers the Quote of the Night: “I’m relationship retarded. I’ve never had a meaningful relationship. What makes me think this’ll work? Am I willing to risk that for a chance at $1 million?” Mike, did you just admit you’re “relationship retarded?” Mike, every guy is, we just don’t admit it. I am. I’d just never admit it on national television. Wait. I guess I just did. Just not on T.V. Just to a bunch of people I don’t know. Whatever. That’s just not something you admit to. Let them figure it out on their own. Probably isn’t too difficult.
-Puking Jordan sits Rachel down (in her 3rd different mini skirt of the night) to present her with her million dollar check and tells her that both guys switched out their previous check for a 50/50 shot at $1 million check. Rachel’s in shock. Not over the choice they made, she could care less, but the fact that a grown gay man is sitting across from her with the top two buttons of his suit shirt undone and she’s having a hard time holding back the laughter. The hot pink shirt still ranks as the worst outfit in and of itself, but the unbuttoning of the shirt definitely qualifies as the worst look. I’m going to miss Jordans fashion faux pas (Is that right?).
-Rachel is really taking this decision hard. She’s starting cry. “I don’t want to be in this position. I don’t want to decide between love or money. This whole thing sucks right now.” Huh? Then why’d you come on the show? Wasn’t that the whole point of returning for a 2nd go round, to find out if you were after love or money? This made no sense to me. She’s hysterically crying about the decision she has to make, yet she’s the one who decided to come back for a chance to make this decision. Lame.
-So to make things worse, all three of them convene for the most awkward lunch you’ll ever encounter. Rachel doesn’t talk to either of them, Caleb’s breaking into a rash because he’s so distraught about what to do, and easy going Mike is taking the Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup bottle and chugging it like a beer bong. Even I was uncomfortable having to watch that lunch date. I should’ve excused myself once Rachel did. Caleb reacted well though. He doubled his amount of “I’m-completely-perplexed-by-anything-and-everything-going-on-around-me” facial expressions, and just decided to put his head on the table and take a nap. Nice manners. I think I did that when I was five and didn’t want to eat my brussel sprouts. Then again, I’d probably do that now if someone put brussel sprouts in front of me.
-Mike and Rachel go on one final walk. I don’t really remember what was said. I’m sure Rachel threw more bogus compliments his way to see if he’d buy it hook, line, and sinker. I’m sure he did. But I did notice one thing about Mike. His face burns very easily. Can we get the guy some sunscreen please? The guy looks like jolly ol’ St. Nick with those bright red nose and cheeks after 10 minutes in the sun. Geez. SPF 30 or something please. It’s rather annoying.
-Caleb the worry wart gets his final date and he spends it like you expect him to….worrying. “What if everything you’re saying to me, you’re saying to Mike? How do I know I can believe you? Is this even real? What is happening to me right now? Am I of this earth? Why do I ask so many f***ing stupid questions?” Just settle down, Caleb. Rachel: “Mike’s totally convinced I’m going to pick him.” Caleb: “I am too.” Mr. Negativity is at it again. And probably Clue #2 as to why we should’ve known she was going to pick Caleb. Too over-the-top obvious.
-Commercial. Since “For Love or Money” began twelve weeks ago, how many times do you think we’ve seen the ad for “LAX”, the new show with Blair Underwood and Heather Locklear. 600? 700 times? You just know that show is going to flop considering all the hype it’s getting. Heather Locklear might be a hot little 50 year old blond piece, but unless she’s playing Amanda Woodward and screwing guys on her office desk, I ain’t watching. I don’t need to see working as freaking airport security or whatever the hell she’s doing. I need her sleep with every member of that Melrose apartment complex. I need to see cheating on Dr. Peter Burns, I need to see her breaking up Michael Mancini’s marriage, I need to see her lead Billy around by a leash around the officer, and I need her and Jake having sex on a motorcycle. But those days are over. How come “Melrose Place” never went into syndication on FX or released any sort of DVD? That needs to happen like, yesterday.
-And in his final appearance in “For Love or Money” history, Jordan finally got it right. A decent colored suit with the right color shirt on and everything. It’s all come full circle for our sexually confused host. Congrats to him. He tells the guys to say their goodbyes to each other, as they will be split up from here on out. That was a hell of a hug Mike and Caleb gave each other. Not your normal guy shake one hand, hug with the other that we’ve come to expect from these macho dolts. They actually wrapped both arms around each squeezed like it was going out of style. Yikes. Get a room. Maybe NBC did make a love connection here.
-Time for Rachel to give her parting speech to each guy. Even though they stopped halfway through each one, to go over to what she said to the other one, I’ll just keep it as one long speech for the sake of keeping my sanity.
Mike: “Remember our first night (oh geez, here we go. Recapping from day one. Zzzzzzzz)…you were beautiful (only about the 900th time she’s told him that)…I loved your inensity…then we had our lawn bowling date….I wanted more…I felt you weren’t interested (maybe he wasn’t, ever think of that?)….and I left a little disappointed….then on our fantasy date, I realized how much fun you were to joke and be with….I’ve been intrigued by you from the beginning (especially you’re ever-changing sunburned face. Get some lotion before you start to peel)….but at our fireside chat, you scared me….(Mike butts in) “I’m sorry if confused or hurt you”…(sorry, too late pal. Not gonna happen. It’s over)….I know you care about me, and I care about you….however, I don’t think we’re for each other….I need the ring back because you f’ed up and now I’m stuck pretending I wanted Caleb all along…”
-Mike did not seem too distraught by these turn of events. He gave her a long hug then pretty much left to continue his search for finding someone he can get in another retarded relationship with. Good luck, Mike. You were a real trooper. There’s some parting gifts for you as you leave the house. A couple of Jordan bad yellow ties, one of Rachel’s mini skirts you can use as a pillow cover, and year supply of Coppertone. Thanks for the memories.
Caleb: “I remember our first time together, you were real nervous (so they did do it)…..I couldn’t get you to open up (oh, I bet you couldn’t you little devil you)…then we had our archery date, and you made me laugh (why? Because he couldn’t paddle a boat four feet in one direction?)….at that point, I thought to myself, ‘This is the one’ (the one to eliminate?)…but I don’t think you were convinced of that…fantasy date…you were very stand off-ish…you were doubting me and didn’t trust me…I was disappointed (so were we. That you hadn’t sh**canned him yet)….but, I was wow’ed again (oh god, there’s that word. “smitten” and “wow’ed” have become FLOM staples. Tell your grandchildren someday)…..I see so much of myself in you (and I’m guessing he sees himself in you too. Like in about five minutes)….you’re still the one for me….I choose you….”
-So Caleb has to now tell Rachel his “secret”: “Thank you….I’m amazed…that’s incredible…I’ve got something to tell you (you love the way Mike hugs?)….I have a 50/50 chance at a million dollars….(and here comes the over-the-top reasoning on why we knew he was gonna pick her. All he talked about was the money)….I’m terrified of relationships…I’m so scared…when am I ever gonna get a 50/50 chance a $1 million dollars?….buy you know what, I don’t want it. I want you…I choose you…” (Boo hoo…Give me another box of Kleenex)
-It was at this point that even if Rachel decided going into the final elimination that she was going after the money, I don’t think she had a choice but to pick Caleb. I mean seriously. Can anyone in the history of television possibly be that cold and decide to take $1 million after a guy has basically just laid himself out there for you to be taken and is a nervous wreck standing right in front of you? I don’t think so. Even Rachel. She would’ve been the biggest bitch ever if she would’ve chosen the money.
-Erin and Rob’s situation was a bit different. Everybody knew going into the elmination that Paige would’ve picked him over the money, and Erin wasn’t attracted to him. Hell, even Rob knew that and admitted as much to the camera that she was the wildcard. But he wanted to live by his motto of “You only live once, so you might as well grope as many people in the military as you can before getting kicked out”. Woops. That wasn’t his motto. Anyway, he basically said, “Screw it. No guts, no glory” and chose the wildcard Erin who chose the money over him. Different situation than Rachel I think. Rob took a chance. I don’t think Caleb thought he was taking a chance, based on everything Rachel told him about them together. He figured it was a done deal.
-So Rachel hems and haws about her decision, basically just milking this for as much as she can to make it more dramatic. “I have a chance at a million dollars…I was one of two girls left last time, and lost my chance at money….My mom has been working forever…I don’t have a lot of money….Opportunities like this don’t happen all the time…blah blah blah blah…but I don’t care about the money, I want you.” You know what’s funny? If this show were never televised, but the whole show took place without cameras and without anyone knowing except the people involved, she would’ve taken the money. I think the idea of rejecting a guy in front of $10 million who clearly likes you, and who you clearly have stated you are very, very close with, played into her mind. She would’ve come across horrible in the whole situation if after he dropped a 50/50 chance to win a $1 million, she says, “Too bad. You lose. I win. I’m walking with my money.” Now, I’m not saying she doesn’t like the guy, hell, she just gave up a guaranteed million for the guy so there must be some feelings there, but looking like the biggest golddigger on the planet probably isn’t a label she wanted either.
-One final quote from Caleb: “I gave up a 50/50 chance at a million, and she gave up a guaranteed $1 million, maybe that says something.” Yeah, it says you’re both nut jobs. Head down to any nightclub this weekend and you’ll find about fifteen to twenty “Rachel’s” in attendance. When you’re relationship is over in six months or less, come back to me and tell me what it says then. I wish you guys all the best. Hey, Erin and Chad are engaged. Preston and PJ have lasted two months so far, maybe there is hope. Now go have crazy sex with your new girlfriend.
-“Reality Roundup” will be up tomorrow, then I’m off until the “Bachelor” starts. If you don’t read “Reality Roundup”, that’s your loss and you probably should be. If you do, you get one more day of my ramblings before going a month without it. I hope you can survive. I know I will. Take care. See you soon….
-QUICK UPDATE: This just in. Since I’m typing this later than normal, I’m privy to some updated information. Rachel was on a morning radio show here in L.A. and they asked her why she picked Caleb over the money. Her response: “Did you hear all the stuff he said to me at the end? I would’ve been a total a-hole if I picked the money.” My point exactly. And oh yeah, apparently Mike came on the same show before her and said Rachel and Caleb are not even together anymore. Truuuuue Loooooooovvvvvve.
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