FINALE 2nd TO LAST EPISODE 3rd TO LAST EPISODE QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? EMAIL ME	JOE MILLIONAIRE 3rd TO LAST EPISODE All I can say about last night’s episode is this: predictable. The minute Joe Schmo’s date was over with Melissa, you knew she was gone. In light of the recent story surrounding Sarah and her fetishes, it was hard to watch her function without thinking of some sock being shoved down her throat, or her hands tied behind her back with a $1.99 roll of duct tape. Those images are still haunting me to this day. But, I will try to continue on….. -I actually noticed for the first time what these women do for a living, and Sarah is an assistant to a mortgage broker. Hey, wait a minute. I’m a mortgage broker. I could use an assistant. Don’t know if she’s qualified though. If I do get an assistant, I don’t know how comfortable I’d feel tying her ankles together and making her dress up in cheerleader outfits. Forget it. She’s too freaky for me. -Melissa has “perma grin” on her date, which I’m assuming means she can’t stop smiling. I wonder if that has anything to do with her being a giant golddigger and her thinking that Joe actually has 50 million bucks to his name. Naaaaahhhhhhh. Couldn’t be. -Melissa thinks Joe looks at her like his little sister. What gave you that idea Chandra? Was it his romantic date where he talked about putting super glue on his cuts? Or was it when he was talking about foot fungus? You don’t know how many times I’ve laid out blankets on the beach, poured a little wine, and whispered sweet nothings to my girlfriend about how I handle my feet problems. I get chills just thinking about it. -Joe says he likes curvy girls. Congratulations on actually growing a pair Joey. Uh, who doesn’t? Dude, you’re weird. -“Ladies and gentlemen!!! Step right up, step right up!! You be the judge. Who’s got the better cleavage! In this corner, we have the lovely Melissa on her date with Joe, trying to impress him with half her top coming out of her blouse. And in the other corner, it’s Zora. The lovely brunette who hates her body and wouldn’t show any skin if they paid her for it.” -Could Melissa possibly have tried any harder to come on to Joe? And could he have tried any harder to show that he wasn’t interested in her? Is there a reason he didn’t pounce on her when she practically threw herself at him? Look Joe, maybe you already had it in your mind that Melissa was a goner, but don’t you know the old saying, “What happens in France, stays in France.” Should have taken her up on her offer. -And Melissa, I don’t know any other way to tell you this, so I’m just gonna come right out and say it. You might want to cross your legs when you’re wearing a mini skirt and a camera is at couch level filming you. If getting eliminated at the end of the show wasn’t bad enough, well, about 19 million people saw up your skirt last night in case you didn’t know. Your parents must be proud. -Zora said before her date that there will be no kissing. That’s a rule of hers. Well, either the producers told her, “You’ll kiss him and like it”, or she just realized that no kissing = elimination. Sure they’ll be no kissing, Zora. You ain’t fooling anyone. -Once again, Zora enters a pool with Joe and proceeds to cover up as much of her body as possible. What’s with this girl? Does she have some sort of rash she doesn’t want us to see? Do her breasts swell up when in water? No. That’s just her normal size. Ok. Forget it. The point being is that Zora has got to be an idiot to not see that Joey has a giant interest in her, yet she does everything in her power to scare him away like a virgin on prom night. Let loose honey. This sexual confidence of a 4th grader routine is getting old. -Zora had a dream that Evan had two names. I don’t really know what to make of that, other than in college, I took a class that on dream analyzation, and it specifically said that women who fantasize about men having two different names, usually end up winning reality TV shows and become laughed at by 20 million people across the nation. -Did you hear Melissa and Sarah when Zora got back from her date? “So did you kiss him?” God. Women are so catty. You think us men go running back to our friends telling them exactly what we did on our dates with you? You think we tell them exactly how many minutes it took us to get your clothes off? And do you think we run and tell our buddies how good the sex was? Uh…… -Melissa thinks Zora has a side to her that she doesn’t show and we don’t know about. No, Melissa. That would be Sarah. See, in case you didn’t know, Sarah likes being hogtied for fun. And oh yeah, she likes watching fully clothed men with their wrists tied to their ankles. -Sarah informs us that she comes from a town of 340 people, and that she thinks it would be “nice” if she could end up with a “bizillion dollars.” Nice? Yeah, I’m guessing that would be nice too Sarah. Sarah, nice is someone giving you flowers on your birthday. Having a “bizillion” dollars would be fucking unbelievable. Especially for you. You wouldn’t have to make that extra 10 bucks a day having your toes taped together while being videotaped and embarrassed in front of a national audience. Sick freak. -Sarah is much more sophisticated than Joe. That’s not really saying much considering Joe wouldn’t know sophistication if it came and bit him in the ass, but still, Sarah seems to be light years ahead of him mentally and emotionally. And she likes being strapped to chairs. -After a goodnight kiss, apparently Sarah didn’t get enough. So in her pajamas, she goes to Joe’s room and knocks on the door because she says she wants to look at stars. Uh huh. Not only did all of America see what you were up to, even dumbshit Joe figured you out. Of course you weren’t done for the night. Sarah’s dates are not officially over until the guy she’s with forces her to dress up like a cheerleader, tape her hands behind her back, and makes her lay on the floor on her stomach while barking like a dog (I’m sorry, but those pictures I saw last week are embedded in my brain forever). -So what happened with Sarah in the bed Joe? “Guys don’t kiss and tell” says the fake millionaire. C’mon Joe. We’re all family here. You can tell us. Just answer me this: Did it involve rope, some handcuffs, chains, whips, leather belts, and spiked collars? Because frankly if it did, that would bore me. We’ve seen Sarah in that position already. Been there, done that. -So why all the sudden is Evan growing a conscience? The guy can’t sleep now because he’s lying to these women? And how fake was that when he woke the producer up at 4am to talk to him about how bad he felt lying to those girls. That producer just wanted his name to appear sometime during the show, that’s all that was. Probably wasn’t even the producer anyway. Probably just some poor camera guy forced to follow this dolt around for 6 weeks. The camera guy just wants some sleep and here comes idiot Joe asking for advice at 4 in the morning. Go to bed, Joe. Like you really gave a rat’s ass about Melissa. Hell, she was drunk, half naked, and had her hand on your inner thigh and you didn’t jump on her. Yeah, you must really be upset to let her go. -Here comes the hostess Alex McLeod again. So do they hold the cue cards right next to the camera for her, or does she read off the teleprompter? Which one is it? Because for the life of me, how that woman pulled this gig is the currently the 9th Wonder of the World. -Before the dumping of one of the girls, Sarah informs us she’s pretty confident she’ll be one of the final two. Of course you are, Sarah. You boned Evan on your only night with him. Sleeping your way to the top is the way to go in Hollywood, so apparently someone told you how to advance in the show. -Zora and Sarah are on to the Finals. Evan says he had no feelings for Melissa. You don’t say? Never saw that one coming. Was it the fact she couldn’t tell an onion from garlic? Or was it the fact that she informed you her cooking skills consisted of being able to make a salad? Can’t let those get away, Evan. -After the final two are chosen, here are the two quotes of the night: “The more time I spent with her, the more I realized how similar Zora and I are.” – Sarah. “I don’t think Evan could’ve chosen two more opposite people.” - Zora. I think I gotta go with Zora on that one. The similarities with these two ends with their racks. Zora has lead a sheltered life, doesn’t like to show off her hot body, doesn’t talk much, has never flown first class, and has basically come from poverty. Sarah wants to be tied up and gagged. End of story. -The more I watch the show, the more I think they’re going to pull a fast one on all of America at the end here. Whether it be Joe really is a millionaire, or maybe all these girls are millionaires, whatever the case, there’s going to be a surprise at the end of the show that’s different from what they led us to believe. Mark it down.
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