FINALE 2nd TO LAST EPISODE 3rd TO LAST EPISODE QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? EMAIL ME	JOE MILLIONAIRE SEASON FINALE Ok, so I was wrong in my prediction about what the “twist” would be to “Joe Millionaire”. I was close, but just a tad off. Oh well. It was enjoyable while it lasted. I figured for the 2 hour finale, they had to do something to drag this thing out, and by God they did. Did I really need to find out more info about some of the loser girls who never made it past round 1? Actually, yes I did. More fun for me. So here we go with the final “Joe Millionaire” review….. 1st HOUR -Basically a recap hour from dates past, what the catty girls all thought of each other, and any gossip that went on during the show. My type of hour. -They started by giving us background on 6 girls that didn’t even make the first cut. In order: Dana- she’s the tall blond who everyone thought who go far. Uh, nope. “He’s tall.” That was her quote about Joe. Yes he is Dana. And he’s also about as bright as a box of hammers. Mary- short, Asian chick. You know, originally I was calling her the fat, Asian chick. I take that back. She’s not fat at all. However, we did learn she was a Hula Hooping Champion. Ummmmm….and you’re proud of this? I haven’t seen a Hula Hoop in literally 15 years. Might as well just tell us you’re a pogo stick champion to boot. And oh yeah, Mary’s head is shaped like a box. There is no roundness to her face whatsoever. Katy- blonde girl, talked a lot. She made no impression on me whatsoever. Next. Katie- 2nd Asian girl. She’s a pediatrician. Another one that made no impression other than the fact I think she was the ugliest of the 20 girls on the show. Amanda- this was the girl that was bitter because she said Joe only went after the chicks with big breasts. Your point being? Had a very plain look to her, although she was pretty attractive. She’s a flight attendant. I could throw in a “Mile High Club” joke here, but it’s too easy. “And the airline you work for Amanda is……?” Dayane- the black girl who didn’t like any of the dresses you had to choose from. Um, Dayane. I don’t know how to put this lightly, so I’ll just make this as blunt as possible. No matter what dress you ended up with, you still wouldn’t have looked good. And you had as much a chance of winning that competition as I did. -Then they moved on to the 3 girls who made it to the final five, but not the final two: Allison, Mojo, and Melissa. Allison- I think she hated Joe more when she was on the show than she does now. Not a very warming person. Certainly one of those chicks that absolutely has to have things her way, and would suck the life right out of any fun. Go away, bitch. You’re not wanted in this group. Mojo- Even after getting booted, and even after accusations of being in it for the money, Mojo insisted on telling us, “I was there for love.” Too bad the only things she loved more than Joe were: his money, his looks, the chateau, his money, his body, his money, and the jewelry. And his money. I loved the scene when she was in the car listening to the talk radio shows rip her a new one. Good. If only someone could forward this column on to her. And Mojo, a little dental tip for you: You have a fang. Melissa- “Oh my God!” Could she have been any more annoying with that phrase. I had no idea she said it that much until they informed us last night. And talk about bitter, doesn’t seem like she’s gotten over getting dumped at all. I think she still wants Joe. -Then we come to the lovely Heidi. Everyone’s favorite. She made it to round 2, but was the odds on favorite to win because we all wanted to see her reaction when Joe Blow told her he didn’t have any cake. All the girls hated her, she stole dresses, she wasn’t sorry for it, she put on a scene getting onto the horse, and most importantly, she went on to the show even though she had a boyfriend who we got to meet last night. Well, one thing I learned about Heidi last night is that she cares for the underprivileged because that boyfriend of hers couldn’t have been any more of a tard if he tried. He must have money. No way he’s nailing her on a consistent basis unless he’s loaded. -This butler still hasn’t filled up his wine glass. What’s with this guy? He’s suddenly become the star of this show, yet he’s one of the more annoying characters in television history. How is that possible? Go away, old man. What’s wrong with you? -Now Joe’s going to tell us a little more about himself. He was a skinny nerd growing up. Thanks for that. Now you’re a taller, buff nerd with eyebrows, or should I say eyebrow, that makes Abe Vagoda’s look normal. For those that don’t know who Abe Vagoda is, you wouldn’t find that last sentence funny. Trust me, it was. -Joe tells us he used to model but never really wanted to. “I used to sit in class, and when I got bored, I used to look outside and watch the workers fix the football field or something.” Wow. What a dreamer you are. Don’t set too high of goals there, pal. -Joe says the only reason he stayed in modeling was because “modeling was like having a gambling addiction- you’re just always waiting for that big break.” Joe, let me give you some words of advice about gambling. Having caught that “big break” on numerous occasions, just so you know, you’ll be giving that money right back. And last time I checked, neanderthal underwear models weren’t high on agents list of who will be the next superstar of the walkway. -Sarah says she’s shocked by all the bad publicity stemming from everyone finding out about her foot fetish. Sarah, have you lost it? Most people to pay off student loans usually might pick up a 2nd job at night, maybe work a little overtime, or maybe even defer it until they can pay. But you went a different route. Sticking cloths in your mouth, dressing up like a cheerleader, and tying your wrists to your ankles figured could make you a quick buck. Which it probably did. However, you should’ve gone a step further. Should’ve gone straight to porn. You obviously have the body, and no matter how good it felt to be tied to a chair, I’m guessing it would’ve felt a hell of a lot better being the featured actress in “Schindler’s Fist” or “Forrest Hump”. -I want to take this time to sincerely apologize for any negative comments ever made about Bore-a’s past. The chick’s apparently never had more than 50 cents to her name, she works with the elderly, and she lives in an apartment with no heat. If there was a single person watching that couldn’t see she was the one getting picked after that, you can officially re-enroll yourself in kindergarten starting tomorrow. A true case of Cinderella meeting her princess. Except Joe didn’t turn into a pumpkin. He just had the mentality of one. 2nd HOUR -Here’s where the real good shit started happening. The show officially begins here. Frankly, that first hour was a bunch of crap. Totally unnecessary. -How uncomfortable was it watching these girls just sitting at the dinner table across from each other saying absolutely nothing? I would’ve loved to have seen a catfight, or a food fight, something, ANYTHING to make this rival more heated than it was. You knew Zora thought Sarah was a tramp, and you knew Sarah thought Zora was the most boring person on the planet. How come they couldn’t get those two to admit anything? The last thing these two chicks were was friends. -Sarah thinks she’s going to win by blurting out, “He’s all mine!” If Joe only knew what that meant in Sarah’s own little sick and twisted world. If I was with that chick and she even pulled out something to stick in my mouth while grabbing for some rope, I’d…..well, I’d actually probably enjoy it. Kidding. I think. -How many clips do we have to see of these chicks putting on their makeup. For christ sakes, we know they need to look good for Joey, but is it really necessary to show the makeup? Couldn’t they have shown maybe 5 minutes BEFORE the putting on of the makeup? I would’ve been very interested to see if Sarah has a front snapping, or back snapping bra. I’m guessing that may have been something we would’ve liked to have seen. Speaking of that ladies, how long after all your clothes are on do you start to apply the makeup. Because sometimes I think you put the make up on before ANY of your clothes are on, and sometimes I think you have to be completely dressed before you apply anything. These are things I think about when I’m home alone and the power goes out. -Whew. Take a deep breath, Steve. Joe is now about to tell Zora. I swear to you, even though I knew he was picking her, and even though 6 weeks of engulfing myself into this show had finally come to this point, I was still sweating like a prostitute in church. My heart was beating like I was back in 8th grade about to have my first french kiss with Joanna Luckey behind J. Higby’s Frozen Yogurt place. And for the record, I thought I did pretty well for a first time. Ask her. I’m really babbling and you don’t care. Sorry. -Joe informs Zora she was difficult to read throughout the whole process. You don’t say? What gave you that clue Joey? Ladies, some more words of advice from the Love Doctor here: Quit being difficult to read. One of the more nerve racking and frustrating things for a guy is not being able to read a chick. If it’s a game that you like to play, knock it off. It’s dumb. If it’s something you don’t realize you’re doing…..knock it off. It’s dumb. If you’re into us, give us every clue in the book that you’re into us. You know what I mean. I read Cosmo. Do the hair flip, cross the legs a lot, lick your lips, etc….See. You may think us guys don’t know these things, but we do. Well, at least I do. -Joe tells Bore-a he’s selected her. I think she choked on her own vomit when he told her. If it wasn’t obvious up to this point, it should’ve been doubly obvious when he immediately started in by saying things like, “You’re hard to read”, and “I didn’t know how you felt”. The minute he started talking to her and reeled off all the negative things first, it was a given he was picking her. And for the love of God Zora, would you smile please? He just picked you. You’re the one! You’ve won! You can actually act like you care now. -Then down comes Sarah. Is there a reason she’s dressed like she’s 50 years old and headed for a funeral? Do your hair woman. You had all morning to get ready and the best you could do was pull your hair back and put it in a ball? UGH-LEE. -Joe to Sarah: “Are you nervous?”. Sarah: “I don’t know if it’s nerves or caffeine.” Huh? Whatever. You’re scared shitless. Once again, another chick playing very tough to read. -At least Sarah is responding to what Joe is telling her. Nodding her head, giving her feedback, etc….Bore-a just stared at him without any reaction whatsoever. I couldn’t tell if she was thrilled or about to jump off the top of the chateau. Snore-a, it’s OK to have a personality. They’re fun. -Joe tells Sarah that there wasn’t a time where he and Sarah didn’t enjoy each other’s company. Of course there wasn’t, you idiot. Every time you were with her she either went down on you, had on a bikini, or was trying to maul you with her tongue. Who wouldn’t enjoy that? Other than Greg Louganis. -Joe tells Sarah FIRST that he didn’t inherit the money. To which she responds, “That’s not why you think I like you, is it?” or something to that effect. At this point, one of two things happened: Either it was my favorite moment in the show’s history, or there was some serious editing done. After she asks him that, the next line out of Joe’s mouth was, “I haven’t chosen you….(awkward silence)…..All right. Great. (Hug).” End of scene. If that’s how it truly went down, that tape should go directly into the television Hall of Fame. Awesome. She asks him a deep question, and he’s so chicken shit to answer it, he just blurts out, “I haven’t chosen you. Bye.” AWESOME. However, I may be getting over excited because I’m guessing a little editing was done there. It is fun to dream though. -So as Sarah’s packing up, Melissa comes back for no apparent reason whatsoever. So she can help her pack? If you’re going to bring her back, bring the other 18 losers back as well. We want to see their opinion too. Who cares about Melissa? And why does Melissa seem more bothered that Joe picked Sarah than Sarah is? -Now it’s up to Zora to decide whether she wants to continue with Joe. It’s 9:45. Once again, if any one of you thought Zora wasn’t showing up and wasn’t going to choose him, there is still time to enroll in “Gullible 101” down at the local preschool. -How come when Zora was doing her thinking by walking in the woods, and Joe was getting dressed for the ballroom, they showed him putting on a white shirt and black tie, then in the ballroom waiting for her, he had on a blue shirt and blue tie? Another poor editing job. Damn those guys. -Shocker! Here comes Zora. And the minute she starts talking to him and begins in with all the negative things about him lying, once again, another dead giveaway that she was going to choose him. When she started talking, even my roommate says, “Oh my God! She’s not gonna a choose him!” Simpleton. -Joe and Zora decide to move on together. They dance, they kiss, and the butler gives them a million bucks. They dance and kiss some more. Here’s my question: If you’ve just gone through this whole ordeal, and after all that, they offer you a million bucks, how are these two not up in a room 2 seconds after that check is presented just going at it like rabbits? Hell, there wasn’t even any tongue action going on. Look, those two should feel like the two luckiest people on the face of the earth, and they’re acting like they knew it was coming all along. Right when the show ended, I had a friend call me who hadn’t seen one minute of any of the episodes until tonight’s when he turned it on at 9:55 and saw them together, and you know what his observation was? “She doesn’t even seem like she likes him.” Exactly. That sums it up right there. I give these two 2 months before they are split city. She’ll take her 500 G’s and buys a heater for her apartment, and he’ll take his cake and go buy a personality. Long live Bore-a and Joe. The oddest couple ever. (First televised interview with them together next week. I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to write on it. I’m still getting over this finale. I’ll get back to you when I’ve figured things out. Hope you enjoyed the column. Until Wednesday when Trista chooses her soulmate. Excuse me while I go puke…..)
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