4.28.03 4.21.03 QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? EMAIL ME	MR. PERSONALITY 4.28.03 On the heels of hearing that executives will begin a 24 hour reality TV channel beginning in 2004, I write this review with a tear in my eye. All reality television, all day long, all the time. I have reason to live. I finally have a channel designed just for me. Kind of. There are other channels which show my kind of programming all day long, but those usually cost a little extra per month. And they have no plots. Well, unless you call the pizza delivery guy getting “Lewinskied” for dropping off a large pepperoni pizza a great cinematic production. Let’s continue…… -Hayley says that unmasking these guys will be a traumatic experience. Really? Why? Because they’re a giant collection of misfits who couldn’t get nailed in a woodshop? Last week, I narrowed it down to two dorks I wanted her to pick, just so I could see the look on her face when they unmasked. I must not have been paying attention. I don’t care who she picks now. This should be a blast. -I like how at the beginning of the show, after the beginning piece airs, it always ends with a voice over of Hayley saying, “What have I gotten myself into?” Yeah. Like the Fox producers twisted your arm to join the show. I’m sure you had no clue as to what you were getting into. Of course you did, honey. This is just so you can gain some notoriety, appear in a couple commercials that appear on Sunday afternoons when no one is watching, and maybe get yourself a little extra cash to cover the 20 units of Botox you shoot into your face every morning. The only thing that moves above her neck is her mouth, and even that seems like work. -Although I feel the life being sucked out of me as I watch this show, it’s still hilarious. Ten guys running around in Jim Carrey masks wearing normal clothes is just funny to me. At least with the other reality shows, it’s still somewhat “real”. The situations of going out on dates and trying to impress a girl or guy, without the cameras, is something we’ve all done. Here, guys are walking around with colored masks on in public picking up on a girl. Doesn’t anyone else find this completely and utterly hilarious? -Well, it only took “Mr. Personality” two shows to throw in the proverbial hot tub/swimming pool scene. Sweet. Hayley’s got a pretty good body on her. No implants, good stomach, very firm, I like it a lot…… -…..However (you knew I’d find something wrong), there’s something missing. Hayley needs to be informed of something, so I think it’s my duty to tell her. Hayley, I want you to do me a favor. When you get a chance, take a step outside your house or apartment, and look up in the sky. You see that large, fiery ball at the center of our solar system? It’s called the sun. Doesn’t hurt to wander outside once in a while and get some. -Chris the crazy motivational speaker guy, pulled Hayley away from everyone so he could do some more Jedi mind shit on her. What’s with this guy? He’s waaaaay too serious for this show. Chris, just look at your competition, if you somehow have to trick her into liking you over these knobs, what does that say about your game. -Will (I don’t know what lame color he had on) was upset that Chris took “The Arp” away from everyone. Easy there, Russ. Can’t have her all to yourself. -Our next masked lame ass to make a complete idiot of himself was Joseph. He on a light blue mask. And he drank a little too much. He tells Hayley, “I’ve been waiting for you my entire life…..You make my breath fall away every time I see you” What? He didn’t just say that, did he? “My breath fall away?” If I’m her, I tell him to shutup immediately. The guy has known her for I think at this point was 2 days. 2 freakin’ days!!!! Is he serious? -Chris has officially become creepy the way he watches everyone interact with Hayley. And, um, well, she feels the same way. “Chris creeped me out. I don’t know what I’m gonna do about him.” I have a great idea, Hayley. Get the hell out of that house, and let these guys take turns hopping on Monica. She wouldn’t mind. -The next day’s date is out on a boat. I’m sorry. This is killing me. 10 guys in colored masks walking out to the boat, and one of these nerds is actually wearing a hat over his. A HAT!!!! Are you blocking the sun there, genius? I’m literally sticking my finger down my throat right now this is so bad. -Joseph, the drunk loser who professed his dying love to woman he met two days ago, gets Hayley alone, and still doesn’t try and take back what he said. In fact, he’s piling it on. “I’m trying to find my soulmate. And so far, you’re the closest thing.” Throw his ass overboard. Please. I’m truly convinced these guys were told to say stupid shit. Soulmate? You look like the fucking Blue Man Group and you tell a woman she’s your soulmate. What’s wrong with that picture? -Now he digs himself even deeper, if that’s even possible. “I think people can have all different kinds of soul mates. A guy, a girl, a group of people. I truly believe that.” Yeah, and I truly believe that you are beyond a shadow of a doubt, the stupidest fucking person I’ve ever seen on television. I’d go the rest of my life wearing that mask if I were him. No reason to take it off. Your life’s over. Have fun never seeing, touching, smelling, feeling, or hearing a woman close to you ever again as long as you live, you pud. -#1 is Brian, by far the ugliest of the bunch. Kind of reminds me of Cripin Glover. I was half expecting him to bust out at some point when Stan had his hand on Hayley’s leg with, “Hey you, get your damn hands off her!” Outside of the David and Goliath story in the Bible, was there a bigger “underdog takes down the favorite” tale than George McFly sucker punching Biff to win over Lorraine? Didn’t think so. -Speaking of Stan, he pulled Hayley aside to embarrass himself, act like an ass, and cop a feel by putting his hand on her leg. Uh, this didn’t work either. Here’s what Hayley said to sum up the whole day on the boat, “I would’ve liked to have seen more from the guys and I never really got it from any of them.” Good. End the damn show then. Call it a draw. All 20 guys lose. You lose too, Hayley. Go join Kristen from “Survivor: Africa”, Matt from “The Real World: Hawaii”, and Poem Guy from the “Bachelorette” as the most uninteresting people to ever appear on reality television. -Stan’s had enough. He eliminates himself at the big luau party because, well, I think even he realizes this show is terrible. “I want out now. Hayley’s a great girl, I just need to take this mask off to be fair.” Stan, the tribe has spoken. You are a loser. Goodbye. And don’t forget to leave your mask on that stupid mantle where everyone else does. Supposed to be some sort of shrine to remember the ‘tards by. The last thing I need to be doing is matching up names with colors as I look at those masks. I have no fucking clue who wore what mask. I’d let the guys keep it to show their children someday. Oh wait. These men will never have children unless they adopt, find a surrogate mother, or artificially produce one. -Commercial break. “Wanda at Large” season finale is Wednesday. Holy smokes. Season finale? Didn’t that show start last week? I didn’t know a network could sign a show to a 60 minute season. Way to go, Wanda. It’s been a hell of a ride. See you on the cutting room floor. -I apologize. Stan actually took off the mask AFTER the commercial break. Kind of to keep us in suspense I guess. Very tricky. The guy stands up in the middle of the party, says he’s got a big announcement, and they make us wait until the commercial break is over. Note to the producers: If you never would’ve shown this scene, I guarantee 99% of the viewing audience would’ve had no fucking clue someone was missing. Just a guess. -This luau is ridiculous. They’re trying really hard to turn this into “Temptation Island”, but without attractive women, appealing guys, sex, lust, cheating, sex, crying, cheating, sex on the sand, implants, sex in bathrooms, video messages of the couples making out with other people, and sex for all 60 minutes, they’re not really succeeding. -Whoa. Spoke to soon. Mike in the red mask gets Hayley in the Dark room. That means he gets to take off his mask, but she has to put a blindfold on. Hayley: “I can’t see. I’m gonna have to feel it out.” You can only imagine the thoughts going through my mind if I were in his position. “Ok. Now come this way. I’m leading you down the steps. I can’t see either so I’m gonna have to feel the walls on the way down. Grab onto this so I don’t lose you.” And I’d give her my t-shirt. -Mike has in the Dark room ready to pounce and completely whimps out. “I….I…I…don’t know what to say. This is all very weird.” Mike. Let me ask you something. Do you have a pair? I mean, please. You have a woman in a bikini blindfolded in a dark room, she’s running her hands all over you to get an idea of what you’re like, and you’re unsure of what to do? At that point, he might as well have just excused himself so he could put more makeup and lipstick on. I’m embarrassed to call myself a member of the male sex after this guy’s act last night. -Pre-Dark room interview with Mike shows him telling the camera, “I will be the aggressor. I’ll definitely make a move in there.” Whatever Michelle. Go back out there and giggle and gossip with the rest of the pansies. This show is getting worse by the millisecond. -Once again, spoke too soon. Now Brian, the Crispin Glover guy, is taking one of the luau chicks upstairs to “show her around. He takes her in the bathroom where there are no cameras, but plenty of microphones. Here’s the exchange we heard: Skank luau chick: (Mike takes mask off) “Oh look at you! You’re precious” Mike: “I came here to meet Hayley. But I’m having more fun with you.” Skank luau chick: “I don’t think she’s that great. I’m better. I can show you why. (unzip) “Mmmmmm…..” AWESOME. Now this is more like it. This is what this show needs. The guy comes on the show to meet Hayley and is hooking up with an extra stripper slut. Is that legal? Wouldn’t they sign some sort of contract which stated,, “Thou will not get involved with any members of the writing team, production crew, camera people, or $20 Luau whores we hired to make the show more interesting.” -Back to the Dark Room where Mike accomplished as much as I did with my girlfriend in 4th grade after giving her a note asking her if she wanted to “go around.” Oh, she said “yes” all right. We went around for a couple days, but we just couldn’t make it work. We were on totally different levels. She was into playing teatherball at recess, and I wanted to trade “Garbage Pail Kids” with my buddies. No counseling, no orientation sessions, no intervention programs could’ve saved us. We were doomed from the start. -So what happened in the bathroom Mike? “Nothing happened.” Luau skank stripper prostitute chick: “We fooled around a little bit. I think every woman has a fantasy about having sex with a man without seeing his face and knowing who he is.” WHAT??!!!! Since when, and how come I’ve never run into these women? That’s it. Note to self: Buy Elmo mask and go bar hopping this weekend at Pier St. in Hermosa Beach. You won’t be able to miss me. -The Quote of the Night, actually, maybe the Quote of the Year in reality TV was uttered by the stripper slut extra, “Did I blow him? That’s between he and I.” I love when they play that “kiss and no tell” game. Of course you did, or else you would’ve told us that you didn’t. It’s like the inevitable sex question that every guy asks his buddy after he’s been seeing a girl for a while. “Hey, have you guys had sex yet?” If he doesn’t answer, that means “yes.” Sorry ladies, but it’s true. Your current boyfriend has told all his friends already if he’s sleeping with you. It’s just guys don’t go into detail with friends. Women do. Forget it. Don’t get me started. -34 minutes in, and we finally get to see Monica. She takes Hayley into what they call the “deliberation room”. Needless to say, not the first time Monica’s been in that room before. However this time, she’s not wearing a blue dress or a beret, and she isn’t under a table while the President is on the phone. Look, I’m going to find a way to incorporate that into this article every week if it’s the last thing I do. There’s nothing funnier, yet sadder, than the President of the United States getting serviced by an intern 20 years younger than him while in office. Nothing. -Monica and Hayley get to watch video of everything the guys did at the Luau with the ladies. More good stuff. You just know Monica was sitting thinking to herself, “If only Linda Tripp was sitting next to me right now.” Speaking of Linda Tripp, have you seen that lady nowadays? I did not think it was possible for a human to lose 350 pounds, but she did. She’s had every surgery imaginable done to her within the last 3 years. She’s currently battling Melissa Rivers for most face lifts in a 3 year span. -Hayley sees video of Mike with luau whore in the bathroom and can’t take it, “Stop. Stop this right now.” No, don’t stop. I wanna hear it again dammit. Seeing the words, “unzip” followed by “Mmmmmm…” on the screen make my sides ache. I missed the next 30 seconds because I blacked out. -Pete, the Asian guy getting lap dances from the blond chick, is confronted by Hayley. Pete being as bright as a box of hammers, doesn’t realize Hayley has actually seen video of him, and denies anything sexual between he and stripper lady. “Lap dance? Oh yeah, yeah…the blond. Well, it’s not like we exchanged bodily fluids or anything. There was nothing sexual.” Pete, go hang your mask up. You’re done. Hayley will keep Monica on the show before she keeps you. Actually, that wouldn’t be such a…… -Hayley now confronts Mike about his rendevous with his oral sex chick. “I was just giving her a tour of the house.” More like a tour of your pants, dude. “Nothing happened….nothing happened….nothing happened….nothing happened.” Ladies, some more advice. If a guy feels the need to tell you 4 times that “nothing happened” with another girl….something happened. We don’t get that defensive if we didn’t do anything. See, this article not only recaps the show in maybe a different light than what you saw it in, I also try and help people with their relationships as well. Hey, just doing my best to contribute to society in any way I can. -Time to eliminate 3 guys, since one already offed himself. Before we get started, Mike the"receiver of oral”, decides he’s had enough and is eliminating himself. Thank you, Mike for saving us the time and energy considering Hayley was about five seconds away from doing it herself. You’re a hero in my eyes, buddy. -And by the way, I don’t like this rash of reality contestants that seem to feel the need to eliminate themselves. What fun is that? That one chick on the “Bachelor” did it, now TWO guys on this show do it. Stop this trend. I hate it. Getting dumped on by the person doing the eliminating for you is much, much, more entertaining. This has to stop. -In addition, I really wonder how attractive and wanted Hayley’s feeling right now. She’s got 10 guys left, 2 of them basically said, “Uh, I don’t like you. I’m gone.” One of them is hitting on a stripper. And yet another one had her blindfolded in a room and didn’t touch her. Boy, she must feel sexy. Put on some lingerie and watch the rest of them run screaming for cover. -Commercial break. May 11th, Fox is having a “Beverly Hills 90210” Reunion show with all the former cast members. I can tell you right now, I will be writing a review on that one, no doubt about it. Another one of the finest television programs of our generation (And for those that don’t know, Tori Spelling has already said that she will be the only one not appearing, because “she’s moved on from that period of her life”. You’re a joke, Tori. “Maxim” and “Stuff” magazine photo shoots will only last so long. And considering the only things I’ve seen you in since the show ended are “Scary Movie 2”, and crappy made-for-TV-movies about someone’s child getting abducted, alcoholic mothers, or abusive boyfriends. There’s never been a made-for-TV movie that has centered around something other than those 3 topics. Ever. -Mike leaves the show with the understatement of the year, “I had a better time with the luau chick in one night, than I did in two days with Hayley.” Of course you did, Mike. The woman freakin’ blew you. -The two guys eliminated were Joe the annoying drunk who professed his love minutes after meeting her and getting a few cocktails in him, and Pete, the Asian guy who enjoys lap dances more than he leads on. Shocker. How uneventful was this “rose ceremony.” What was she handing those guys anyway when she picked them? Letters saying, “For God’s sakes, someone please touch me!” -This is like a game show the way Monica is letting these guys go. “He’s a 25 year old commercial real estate agent. This is Joe.” Joe says the alcohol got the best of him. Sure whatever, Joe. Blame it on the booze. That’s a chick thing to do. You know, when they go on the Greek ski trip and get with another guy, then come back and not tell you about it until you confront them after hearing about it through other people. Uh, woops. Yes, it still hurts people. I do have feelings. -If she’s with any of these six guys for more than 12 seconds after the show ends, I’m jumping off my balcony naked. Period. End of story. -Next week’s scenes show Houdini Chris apparently trying to hypnotize Hayley into his pants, and the announcer saying, “Who will Hayley go face-to-mask with first?” If that line alone doesn’t prevent me from watching another 2 minutes of this show, nothing will. Ummmm….until next week……
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