RETURN TO THE REALITYROUNDUP INDEX	REALITY ROUNDUP WEEK OF 1.19.04 Being the huge reality fan I am, but also trying to mix in some sort of social life, it’s very hard to watch all the reality shows in their entirety. However, I do catch glimpses here and there of most reality shows and have a few opinions of what I’ve seen so far. Here are some random thoughts in the reality world that I feel need to be mentioned. Check back every week for an update.... -If “America’s Next Top Model” is coming from that bunch of anorexics, we have a major shortage in this world of good looking women. Those were the best they could come up with? One girl can't wake up to her own alarm clock and another one won’t pose nude. Considering I haven’t seen the winner from the first season anywhere, I’m guessing this show is doomed. -Tyra, please stick to modeling your lace bra and thong. Can you believe she was actually on “Felicity” going after Noel? How random was that? Think he was excited reading that script? “Hey Scott, Felicity’s moved back to Ben, so we need to add a love interest in your life. Mindy Cohn, the Griswold daughter from “European Vacation”, and “Vicki” from “Small Wonder” are all booked, so we decided to just go with Tyra Banks. You ok with that?” -The one show premiere I barely caught on the replay was “The Surreal Life.” Holy smokes. I mean, the casting directors need to be given an Emmy for this. Vanilla Ice, Ron Jeremy, Tammy Faye Baker, and Trishelle are all living under the same roof? Is there a better combination in the history of television than that? Ever? -Trishelle nudes up to no one’s surprise at some point during the season. Vanilla Ice Van Winkle doesn’t want to revisit his past and refuses to have pictures of his shaved eyebrows and high top fades up on the walls. Tracy Bingham is a spoiled bitch. And Ron Jeremy and Tammy Faye Baker become friends. This might go down as the greatest show ever. Now they throw in Gary Coleman. Are they trying to lock up the Emmy this early? -“Celebrity Mole: Yucatan” follows the “Bachelorette”. I don’t need to watch this to form an opinion. It sucks. Stephen Baldwin and Corbin Bernsen are the ultimate retreads. I mean, these guys will whore themselves out for anything. -Keisha Knight Pulliam? I’m sorry. Rudy Huxtable shouldn’t have breasts. Rudy Huxtable will always be four years old to me. Dennis Rodman? Please. His act is tired. Mark Curry and Ananda from “MTV”? How about just calling this, “Once and Never Again Celebrity Mole: Yucatan”. Ananda’s talk show rivaled Chevy Chase’s in longevity. -And any show with Ahmad Rashad as the host isn’t going to be any good. He’s not even a good sports broadcaster and now they want him peddling some game show with washed up actors and actresses? Where’s the logic in that? -I was literally this close to starting a new column on the “Real World”. The gaggle of misfits they’ve assembled this season could be the best ever. You’ve got a guy who’s in love with his 8 inch penis he constantly has to remind us about. A chick with cystic fibrosis who chains smokes and has a fear of boats (Her not being able to walk between two boats without shaking and crying could be an all-time low for that show). Token black guy. Token Asian girl. Blonde hottie. Male model dude. Then the crazy whack ass chick with the enormous rack. By far the biggest cans of any girl to ever appear on the “Real World”. -So Jacqueseseseseseseses gets upset at Robin cuz’ she used the N-word. She’s balling, on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and he’s laying into her. So what does she do? As a last resort, reaches to the bottom of the deck and pulls out the ol’ “I’ve-been-raped-by-a-black-guy” card. Never fails. Jacqueseseseseseseses now forgives her. I’m absolutely stunned to hear that someone with a troubled past was cast on the “Real World”. -Now that I think about it, Robin’s rack might not compare to Amaya’s. There needs to be a whole show dedicated to this. Is Amaya still a complete basket case? -So already by this last week’s episode, she’s over her fear of boats? Why do I have a feeling there will be a major boating accident this year and she’ll be the cause of it? -If Cans doesn’t stop waving her hands around like she’s washing a chalkboard when she talks, I’m going to off myself. -Only three episodes in, and Penis Boy has already dug into his pants and shown everyone his big surprise. Not good enough. We had hot lesbian action by Episode two in Las Vegas. Trishelle and the 80 pound chick wasted in the hot tub with bubbles. You lose. -I love how proud hot blondie and Penis Boy were of their passing the boat test, even though they had failed it the day before and got the same exact questions the second time around. You better have passed that, dumbasses. Blondie’s name is Cameran, or Camran, or some ridiculous spelling. That’s why she’s blondie. -I’ve never really checked out any of those “Real World/Road Rules” Challenges. The Gauntlet? What is that? Every time I turn it on, seems like one of the best players is always going home. And everyone fails the challenges and starts blaming other people. And how come the same people get to keep coming back on these shows? How many times do I need to see annoying Mike “the Miz” get drunk and transform himself into a raving lunatic that isn’t funny? (He’s no longer dating Trishelle by the way. They broke up. I think he’s banging Coral now). -And how does that whole point system work on these challenges? How much money are they playing for? Do they split it with the whole original team, or just the members that are left? -The big craze over the past few months has been “The Simple Life”. I can’t think of a more boring, predictable, unfunny show than this one. Ok, we get it. City girls don’t know how to relate to a small town lifestyle. Ha ha. I caught maybe five minutes of two different shows and changed the channel. There was nothing funny about that show. Nothing. -I caught the reunion show the other night which basically recapped all I needed to see to prove I was right. The clips weren’t funny, they were predictable. And I love how the host asked slut #1 and slut #2 if this experience has changed their life and makes them appreciate what they’ve got blah blah blah. Puh-leeze. These coke snorting bimbos didn’t learn a damn thing and I guarantee will never go back there to visit that family. Speaking of the family, they were more interesting than skank #1 and skank #2. -Exactly who decided that Nicole Richie was remotely attractive? She’s got a constant look on her face like something smells bad. Was Paris Hilton’s sex tape released so this show could draw viewers? Of course it was. Let me ask you: If you never heard about any sex scandal involving Paris Hilton, would you have even known she had a show coming on? Of course not. -The whole point of this show was to see how these city girls could function in a small redneck town, right? Well, if they knew they were eventually going back to Beverly Hills, and the audience knew they were going back to Beverly Hills, and the family they lived with knew they were going back to Beverly Hills, of course they could do all that lame stuff they did at their jobs and get fired. Who cares? They’re coming back home anyway. I just don’t understand how that concept could be considered funny. -“Average Joe” turned out like we all expected. The ugly guy has a penthouse in New York City, is a millionaire, trades millions and millions of dollars a day, and actually has a personality, yet Melana picked the model guy who lives at home, still goes to school, and works as a waiter. Gee, didn’t see that one coming. I hate to say it, but if you’re not attractive, your chances of landing a hot former Kansas City Chief cheerleader are slim and none. -If Melana and Jason last longer than Bob and Estella, I’d be shocked. There are actually rumors that Zach and Melana have hooked up since the show ended. The fact she’d even think about crawling back to that meathead surprises the hell out of me. Zach had zero redeeming qualities about him. UPDATE: “US Weekly” is now informing me that Melana and Jason have officially broken up. No way! And Adam will be on a new show, where he has to choose between 15 average looking women. This begins in March. -As for “Average Joe: Hawaii”, I think Larissa is just as shallow as Melana and there isn’t a chance on God’s green earth she’ll end up with one of the dorks. What’s up with sweat gland boy? So, he never sweats? He can run 500 miles and he’ll never sweat? So that means he’ll never smell either? How cool would that be. Play basketball all day, come home 5 minutes before your date gets there and be ready to go with four minutes to spare. -My boy Phuc Le is gone. Damn, I thought the Phucker was gonna last longer. And can you actually believe of all the guys she’s gotten rid of, that spaz “DAVID DASKAL!” isn’t one of them? Huh? What institution let him out to do the show? -How funny was it watching “DAVID DASKAL!” taking 31 minutes to swim out and back, while everyone else had completed swimming, biking, AND running within 15 minutes? No, it wasn’t sad. It was funny. -When Big Boy Shawn got in the hot tub with Larissa, I seriously thought he was going to eat her. Not that she would think twice about engaging in intercourse with him, but could you imagine? This isn’t a joke. He would kill her. Complete suffocation. Dead. -Understatement of the Year by Larissa: “I don’t usually go out with guys who aren’t in shape.” I never would’ve thought that about you, sweetie. You seem so down to earth and so real. -And why’s the guy spilling his guts out over his previous drug addiction while he’s parasailing? Who does that? For a guy who’s allegedly found God, he might want to wipe off those tattoos of fire up and down his arm. Whack job. -So they s***canned Kathy Griffin after only one season of “Average Joe”? Awwwww. Why’d they do that? She was so good in the first one. Did she even appear more than twice? -The eight meatheads have arrived with their ripped abs, fake tans, and body oil glistening in the sun. As their boat was approaching the mainland, only one thought was running through my head, “Which is higher: The combined IQ on that boat, or the number of guys Nicole Richie has slept with in the last week?” Tough one to call. -29 million people watched the “American Idol” premiere on Monday. 29 million! Of course, I was there front and center. Someone needs to tell Scooter girl that if you’re going to do back handsprings in the lobby, make sure you’re in shorts or some sweats. -Since Randy Jackson lost 300 lbs., does this mean he gained a personality? Let me guess Randy. “Dawg, you did your thing. I’m proud of ya.” We know. -When Donald Trump’s hairpiece falls out, and you know it will, do you think it will be able to walk on its own? His hair flat out frightens me. -I keep forgetting her name, but the blonde chick for those that don’t know, did soft porn for a little while. The one that started the idea of tonguing every guy during the lemonade contest. That one. She did soft porn. She’s getting far (unless she was eliminated last night. Haven’t watched it yet. Don’t tell me). Return to the realitysteve.com home page
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