RETURN TO THE REALITYROUNDUP INDEX	REALITY ROUNDUP WEEK OF 3.22.04 My thoughts on the last week of reality television…. -Is there a reason I wasn’t informed until actually turning on my TV that we had repeats on both “Real World: San Diego” and “Survivor: All-Stars?” To quote William Shatner, aka Buck Murdock (“Not BUCK Murdock.” “No, Buck MUR-Dock!”) from Airplane II, “Why the hell aren’t I notified about these things?!!!!” So if anyone watched “Survivor: All Stars, you realize why I didn’t do a column this week. There wasn’t anything to write about. We’ve all seen it before outside of the Mogo Mogo tribe flipping out on coffee, and Chapera doing a great re-enactment of the first Tribal Council. Cesternino does a great Jeff Probst, and Big Neck was hilarious with his Rupert impression. Other than that, nothing new. -However, watching fat naked gay Hatch rub up against Sue the Truck Driver, I must say, I’ve definitely changed my opinion of what went down. Before I thought Sue had lost her mind, overreacted, and was just looking for attention. Now I think she just needs to check herself straight into the looney bin. Talk about a meltdown. I just don’t buy it. Calm down, Suzie. Quit threatening to sue Richard, and CBS, and Probst, and whoever else you can make money off. It’s not becoming of such a classy lady like yourself. -Hey guess what? Yoanna is our new “America’s Top Model.” Sweet. I had money ridin’ on her. I knew she’d pull it out in the end. Especially over the geeky girl with giant ears who cheated on her boyfriend. Shandra wasn’t bad looking. She was just a geek. And if I’m not mistaken, there’s a ride at Disneyland named after her. I was never really scared by Dumbo himself, but something about him gave me the creeps. And his ride sucked. In fact, is there any ride at Disneyland that’s remotely scary? Well, except for that death rocket known as “Thunder Mountain.” They just re-opened that thing after it went bonkers a year ago and killed a bunch of people. What psycho was the first one to give that thing test run when it re-opened? -And for the shocker of all shockers, looks like Yoanna’s about 5’5” to 5’7” and weighing in at a firm 78 lbs. Good god. Please, nobody hug that girl, you might crush her to death. Mixing in a hamburger once a year might help a tad, Yoanna. -I caught a few minutes of “Playing it Straight”. The one where the hottie has to use her gay-dar and eliminate from a pool of straight and gay men. If I’m not mistaken, if she chooses a straight guy in the end, they split a million. If she chooses a gay guy, he gets the whole million, and she gets squat. Outstanding. Is there a reason they’re burying this show on a Friday night? This is good stuff. Funny thing is, in the ten minutes I saw, they all looked gay to me. Someone call me when the finale airs, cuz’ I know I’ll never see another episode until then. -Boy, you people need to check out “High School Reunion”. Great freakin’ show. You talk about drama. I mean, they couldn’t create more drama if David E. Kelly was writing for this show. What more can you ask for in a reality show? You’ve got hot women, Hawaii, bikini’s, chicks who despise each other from 10 years ago, married women going out on dates with their first love, and a gay guy prancing around in a woman’s bikini with a mesh skirt over it. Should they collect their Emmy now? -I’m not good with all the names yet since there’s about 47 people on this show, but I know Johnny’s the former stud quarterback of the football team, and he’s still single. Gee, never saw that one coming. All the football meatheads I knew are mostly married with 4 kids, making $150 grand a year, and running some software company up north now. Uhhhh…not quite. Anyway, Johnny’s girlfriend back in high school was Louann. She’s good looking. And he wants back in her pants. Bad. Problem is, she’s been with a guy now for three years and frankly, Johnny blew it back in the day. Too bad Johnny. -They got an alone date, the flame was rekindled for him, she looked at him as a friend, he told her how he still felt about her and wanted to recreate some former date they had in the back of a truck. She wanted no part of it and basically told him I ain’t leaving my fat boyfriend back home to jump back with you just because you’re being nice to me now. Stay tuned for this one. That ol’ quarterback charm of Johnny’s hasn’t completely gone away. She’ll give it up to him at some point. -The other major story so far is that threesome between Gabe and Denise and the SS. That would stand for Sophomore Slut. She was a sophomore when Gabe and Denise were seniors. I forgot her name, but judging by her actions, I feel that nickname is appropriate enough for now. Gabe and Denise were high school sweethearts, got married, had kids, and are now divorced. Denise however, is trying to win Gabe back. So they brought them both to this reunion. See, I told you this was good stuff. -However, the SS was brought on the show because allegedly, she once dated Gabe in high school as well…..while he was dating Denise…..and her other friend at the same time! So what’s the problem here? Didn’t most guys in high school, especially the popular football players, have more than one girlfriend at a time? What’s the SS so bent out of shape for? Basically the SS was brought on the show to plunge one big knife into Denise’s back, try to get back at Denise for ending up with her man, and to successfully prove Gabe is a giant man whore and has never changed. -All the while, Gabe and Denise are on their alone date, he doesn’t even know the SS and two other soph’s were brought onto the show. I know. I was almost as confused as you are. Basically Gabe’s a slut, he dated three women at the same time in high school, ended up marrying one of them, the other two feel pissed, and feel they should confront him 10 years later for God knows what reason. Ladies, turn the page. It was 10 FREAKIN’ YEARS AGO! Oh, and did I tell you the reason Denise ended up with Gabe was because she faked a miscarriage? People, I swear. I’m not lying about this stuff. This truly happened at some redneck high school in Texas back in 1993 and now we all get to watch these goofs 10 years later. I’m in heaven. -The other people really haven’t gotten much airtime on the show other than one homophobic guy refusing to room with the gay guy and completely ignoring him. Oh yeah, the homophobe is being labeled as “The Redneck” on the show. No way! A redneck doesn’t approve of a gay guy? I thought most rednecks were very tolerant of the gay lifestyle. Wow. Learn somethin’ new everyday. -A lot of catfighting, a lot of bikini’s, a lot of muscle bound meatheads for any ladies into that kinda thing, and a Hawaiian location. There really isn’t much other than that. Five words: Can I purchase the DVD? I can only imagine what that uncut version would be like. Johnny and Louann doing it on the beach. Gabe telling his ex how much he loves her one night, then going back to his bungalow and playing “hide the sausage” with the SS. Truly an all-time great reality show. How come I never watched two seconds of the first season? -For the record, if Jasmine Trias doesn’t win “American Idol”, I’m protesting. Enough of John Peter Lewis and his horrible dancing. Enough of Big Red and his Frank Sinatra copying ass. Enough Fantasia being the most obnoxious thing to ever appear on that show. Pound for pound, voice for voice, I think Jasmine has a better voice than anyone who’s ever come on that show in three seasons. She could put out an album today and I would by it. She’s my pick to win. And my dark horse is Diana Digarmo. Shocked that they voted her in the final three on Wednesday. Football meathead had no business in the final twelve either. Nice guy, entertaining personality, didn’t even compare to some of the other singers. I’m guessing the final three will be Jasmie, Diana, and LaToya London. There. That’s my one paragraph on “American Idol” for this week. -After two episodes, I’ve pretty much had enough of “Average Schmo: Geek Boy Returns.” It just doesn’t do anything for me anymore. Sure, I’ll watch every single second of it, but I’m just not looking forward to it nearly as much as Larissa. There seems to be something missing. What could it be? Hmmm….let me think. Could it beeeeeeee…..good looking women? Naaaaaahhhhhh. I think he booted the hottest chick on the show Monday when he got rid of Brittany. Granted, she had a kid, but big deal. He’s that shallow he’d immediately dump her because of that? Guess Adam’s not the charmer they’ve made him out to be. -There really are maybe two girls left who are remotely good looking, but for the life of me, it’s just not the same if you don’t have a few hotties in there. Of course, the big boy crew tried to bring in some swimsuit models, but of course, Adam wanted none of that whatsoever. No, no, no, no, no. I’ll stick with these over here. They have better personalities. Either Adam is gay, or Adam was told to get rid of those girls. “Awwwww…that was so sweet of him to get rid of the good looking ones.” Maybe if you’re a girl. Any guy who watched Monday immediately turned that thing off. Except me of course. I have to see where this train wreck is headed. -I loved how on that one date where they dressed him in that horrendous matador uniform and had all of them in there with pissed off bulls, it made you wonder if these people had ever seen what a matador does. They were all scared as s*** at this charging bull while they held out the red blanket. Well, maybe if you didn’t hold the red blanked RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR BODY, you wouldn’t have to worry about the castrated bull barrelling you over. Was I the only one who noticed them holding it in front of themselves? Hell, even Adam did it. -I think one thing that draws people to shows like the “Bachelor/ette”, “For Love or Money”, and any dating show for that matter, is that most of the contestants are attractive. We like looking at attractive people. Certainly nothing earth shattering there. I just have no interest in watching average looking Adam make out with average looking girls. Doesn’t do it for me. I didn’t think Adam’s charm (or gums, or small teeth, or whatever it is they claim people like about him) would wear off so quick, but by God it did. I’m actually hoping he gets dumped. Bring Jason Peoples back on the show. Melana wanted no part of him, why not? He’s got nothing going on now. I don’t think. -I skimmed through “People” magazine last week with “The Apprentice” on the cover. Of course, this week, they started showing more and more of Nick and Amy’s relationship. Word on the street is that Amy’s dating Bill right now. Hey, whatever. The more the merrier. I have a feeling neither Nick nor Amy win this thing. Seven weeks in a row now a female has been eliminated. Four guys, one girl left. Well, three guys, since Nick is turning into a girl following Amy around everywhere. Katrina thought they were both playing each other, but Nick would prevail in the end. I think the opposite. I think Nick getting involved with her will only lead to his firing. -If Amy and Bill end up in the finals, which I can see happening, then those rumors would seem to make more sense. Plus, another birdie told me that Nick is seeing someone else. I know, you have no reason to believe anything I say, but I’m just telling you what I hear. Ok, a friends’ friends’ friend has gone out with Nick since the show ended. That should be convincing enough for you. -Any secrets about who wins this show I wouldn’t believe for the sole reason that the finale is live, and it’s not like the people who were fired get to vote. I’m assuming the Donald gets to make the final decision. So obviously he’s the only one who knows who’s winning and won’t reveal it until two weeks from yesterday. But maybe the former contestants have a say in who wins. I don’t know. I’m just a little gossip freak who likes to spread rumors. Anyway, until next week when we return live with some good “Real World” smut and a new “Survivor”. Return to the realitysteve.com home page
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