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WEEK OF 3.7.05
Covering the last few weeks of reality television. Shows include “The Apprentice”, “Survivor”, “American Idol”, the “Ashlee Simpson Show”, the “Real World: Philly” finale, “The Inferno II”, “The Contender”, and “PoweR Girls” (don’t ask me how I stumbled across that mess either. Whoa).
-I’m still taken aback by Trump’s firing of John a couple weeks ago. Yes, he acted like a complete douchebag when meeting with the rock bands, and yes, he stepped all over Stephanie and Erin during their presentations. I still don’t think it warranted firing him over Chris the Volcano. That was the third time that literally blew a gasket in the boardroom, yet, Trump decides to keep him?
-Since when has anyone in this show’s history been allowed to blow up even once in the boardroom and get to stay? Not only that, the guy jumped all over Carolyn and George in the process. Yet John goes home? Very weird. I think it’s safe to assume with John gone, a woman will definitely win this season. And don’t be surprised if the final two are both women.
-I thought back in the beginning of the season, there wouldn’t be a chance of a woman winning this thing. Now, it’s pretty much a forgone conclusion. Alex? Hmmm…too nerdy. Craig? Good performance last week, but I still don’t see him running the show. Bren? There for comedic value only at this point. Let’s not forget his brilliant idea of the soap commercial with two guys walking off together holding a cucumber. Yes, a soap commercial involving homosexuality and the stroking of a cucumber. Brilliant idea. Chris the Loose Cannon? Not a chance. Hell, the fact he’s even in the Final Eight is a miracle in itself. But I think you can make a case that any of the women left could end up winning.
-I guess my question with Chris is: Why is he mad at the world? Is he able to put together any sort of argument without having the facial expressions of a homicidal maniac? He has to be the most uncomfortable person to be around. Imagine this guy with a woman? I’d be frightened if I were unlucky enough to be her. I’m going out on a limb here, but I’m guessing that guy likes it rough. If he’s ever gotten laid, that is.
-I was really surprised that Trump ended his affair with Erin this early too. Especially after Chris the Lunatic blew another aneurysm in the boardroom. So Erin doesn’t like playing with tools and is more concerned about makeup and shopping. What woman isn’t? Did she give up? Hell, who cares at this point? But you gotta keep her around for the flirting and the winking, don’t you? When Erin was going on and on and on about how bad she was with tools, I’m guessing most guys watching the show were waiting for her to say, “The only thing I am good at is screwing.” At least I was.
-With Erin out before the Final Eight, the only question remaining is this: Will her Maxim spread happen before or after the season finale airs? Do they rush that thing to the newsstands while she’s fresh in our heads, or do they wait until summer? Hmmm….tough one.
-So if I had to pick a Final Four now, I’d go with Stephanie, Alex, Tana, and Kendra. As for who’s going to win? Beats the hell out of me. I need a couple more weeks to handicap this thing. But I do predict an all-female final. And Stephanie will be one of them. So I guess I pretty much predicted my final two: Either Stephanie and Tana, or Stephanie and Kendra. Flip a coin.
-Speaking of Tana, was it just me, or how come the “MILF” reference a couple weeks back did not get a mention by George, Carolyn, or Trump in the boardroom? Stroking a cucumber draws their ire, but putting “MILF” on the screen didn’t? Hey, I thought it was funny. I just didn’t think that something that the older crowd would go with. Maybe Trump is more hipper than we thought. And since Carolyn probably considers herself a “MILF” as well, I guess that’s why it didn’t bother her.
-The fact that this week’s episode’s previews have centered around another Chris the Spaz blowing up yet again, it’s safe to assume that he’s probably safe another week. Or they could go reverse psychology on us and this is the episode where he does get booted. Whatever the case, someone needs to slip some downers in his orange juice or something. My blood level raises just watching that guy lose it in the boardroom. If this were the Real World, he’d be Landon approaching Melanie’s friends with the knife in his pocket.
-Is it safe to say that Stephanie from “Survivor” is by far the most physically dominant female they’ve ever had in the series history? She has beaten everyone’s ass in every challenge she’s ever done. Problem is, her dorky ass teammates keep costing themselves Immunity Challenges. Pretty funny how the most dominant female character ever is also on the worst tribe ever. Six straight Immunity losses? Couldn’t they have won one by accident?
-Look, I’ve never been the outdoorsman. And I was never in Boy Scouts or Cub Scouts and was never a Weeblo. So maybe I’m not the foremost expert on this, but, is it possible to actually make a knot where every time you pull on it, it gets tighter, or was that just about the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard? A knot is a knot is a knot. Every single knot in the world can be untied if I’m not mistaken. Some just take longer than others. James was an idiot is what I’m trying to say.
-For about eight seasons, none of the Survivor contestants ever hooked up out on the island. Now in the last 3 seasons we’ve had one engagement, one bona fide couple, and two other relationships develop. Rob and Amber, Jeff Probst and what’s her face (sorry, forgot her name), and now Jeff and Kim, and Jen and Greg from this season. Ethan and Jenna don’t count because they didn’t hook up until after the show. Of course, I guess we could also throw Ted and Ghandia in there since he liked to rub up against her at night, and then claim innocence the next day. Just the thought of those two rubbing against each other at night gives me the willies. Let’s just be thankful the cameras never showed us.
-I understand Probst needs to add drama to the Tribal Council’s, but why is he getting upset at the Ulong tribe for being horses***? What does it matter to him? Last time I checked, he gets paid a ridiculous amount of money no matter who wins or what tribe dominates the other in the Immunity Challenges. Settle down, Jeff. Just know that all you have to do after getting a 39 day vacation in an air conditioned room is to come back to the states and have sex with your girlfriend. Real tough life pal. I think Jeff Probst has surpassed all the other previous game show hosts (i.e. Wink Martindale, Bob Barker, Chuck Woolery, etc.) as being the best ever.
-So why did Mario Vazquez quit the show? Well, there have been numerous rumors, but the obvious one is the correct one. Mario’s background is in music and he’s been involved in helping up and comers in the industry. He even sang back up for Michael Jackson on his “Dangerous” album. Bottom line was, a guy that talented could not get looped in Fox’s contract. He’s basically a Fox slave for the next year if he continued with the show. And within about two weeks, P. Diddy is about to sign him to his “Bad Boy” label. Gee, what’s better? Stay on the show, maybe win, then tour with a bunch of teenagers, or sign a fat deal with “Bad Boy Productions” and start printing money immediately? That’s what I thought.
-If you look at everyone else left in the contest, none of them have the background Mario did and all of them will be better off for the exposure. Mario was too good for this competition. Basically, he wanted the bling bling and the ho’s right now rather than wait a year when his Fox contract was up. And rightfully so.
-But with his departure, I now have to redo my Final Four. This one is tough, because I think there are about six that could make it there. But I’ll go with Anwar, Carrie, Nadia (I’ll just forget about the mohawk “Time after Time” debacle from last week), and Constantine. Am I biased against Bo Bice? Yeah, pretty much. This final four isn’t who I think SHOULD make it, this is who I think America will vote for. Big difference. Constantine has every 13 year old girl running to her phone at 8:59 every Tuesday night. That’s why he gets to the Final Four.
-Never been a fan of Jessica Sierra, and never will be. I don’t hate her, but there’s something about the 94 teeth she packs into that mouth of hers that doesn’t do it for me. And was there anyone in America who wasn’t thinking about the wedding singer from “Old School” when she started in with “Total Eclipse of the Heart”. I was just waiting for her to belt out, “I f***in need you more than ever!!!!” Classic.
-I’m with Simon on this one. I think no matter what happens, Carrie Underwood’s appeal to both men and women will be have her as the highest selling recording artist in “American Idol” history. Now, she’s a shoe-in for the final two, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she’ll win. But I do think only Anwar and her have a chance to win this. By far the strongest final twelve they’ve ever had (minus Mikalah. We’ll get to her in a second), and there are a lot of good singers in this group. But only Anwar and Carrie are great singers. And both will undoubtedly get recording contracts when this is over.
-For the life of me, I cannot understand the personality changes Mikalah went through on this show. She was completely obnoxious during auditions and rehearsals. Then Simon said she would annoy half of America and she shut her trap, only to put up two of the most boring, old-fashioned performances you’ll ever see. Then here was the kicker. On the show this past Wednesday, when your advancement on this show comes down to how many votes you can garner from the viewing public, she wears a tank top that clearly reads “My Job In Life is To Annoy You”. What a brilliant idea. Why not endear myself to the 30 million people who watch this show on a weekly basis by essentially drawing negative attention to myself. Good riddance. That chick is such an actress, I can’t stand it. She’s 16? That makes her even more annoying that she tries to act 35.
-And for those that didn’t happen to notice it, Paula Abdul had to be either drunk or on medication this week. She was absolutely bizarre on Tuesday night. Overreacting to everything. Wouldn’t shutup. Standing up and dancing on half the performances. Leaning over and tonguing Simon at least three times. I mean, I know she’s trying to hide the fact she hit somebody with her car then sped off, but geez. Waaaaaaaay over the top if you ask me. That was embarrassing. Go back and look at the tape. I have. She had to be on something.
-The “Ashlee Simpson Show” finale is Wednesday. I got myself a little caught up this weekend on what I’ve missed over the last couple weeks. Here it was in a nutshell: Ashlee has voice problems, Ashlee struggles with her relationship with Ryan, Ashlee goes overseas. Wow. I know. Riveting stuff. Why do I find myself so drawn to this show? She’s 20 years old for christ sakes, she isn’t the least bit interesting, and the two major stories recently surrounding (the SNL lip synch, and getting booed off the stage at the Orange Bowl) were barely talked about.
-They never once mentioned the 75,000 people booing her performance at the Orange Bowl, nor did they talk about the media backlash afterwards. The only thing they mentioned was how her earpiece didn’t work. But somehow, they magically never let us hear the fans reaction at the end of the performance. How convenient. At least they didn’t ignore the SNL situation completely. Although, to this day, she’s still never given us a clear explanation to what happened that night.
-I was quite disappointed in the “Real World: Philly” finale. Just because they all left friends, everyone was happy, and Landon and Shavonda actually thought they’d be able to continue their relationship. Please. We’ve seen what kind of women he liked to bring home. Shavonda was ten notches ahead of those women. The fact she even thought those two could attempt to last was humorous. But I’m sure they’ll be boinking again at some point during the “Inferno II”.
-And if you thought the “Men/Women Tell All” episodes from the “Bachelor/ette” were edited poorly, you haven’t watched the “Real World: Philly” reunion. Every other sentence was spliced up. At it might be a good thing to have a host conduct the reunion episode who’s actually seen the show. You could tell this girl knew nothing about this season and was only asking what she was told. That was really bizarre.
-Here’s what we learned from the “RW: Philly” finale: Landon and Shavonda met up one time after the show ended, spend one weekend together, and realized they only want to be f*** buddies. And Landon and MJ hadn’t seen each other from the end of the show until the reunion. Some buddies they became. And MJ went back to the blonde hot chick. Melanie dyed her hair white. Karamo still doesn’t like most people. And Karamo and Willie hooked up one night, even though they both deny it. And Sarah’s still a whore and single. They really butchered that reunion show.
-I've only caught a couple of the episodes, but, was Coral ever on this show? Because I don't see her right now. Did she get booted? Isn't it in her contract or something that she must stay on until the end to completely annoy the viewing audience? Aren't her and the "Miz" both part of that deal that neither is allowed to leave the show earlier than the finale? That's just what I've gathered over the last 100 seasons of this or so.
-Robin from San Diego has giant freakin' breasts. Holy Sh**!!! Just thought I'd point that out if you're not the most observant person in the world. Giant. And considering she works in the bartending industry, I'm guessing she's used those to her advantage once or a million times. Just a hunch.
-I'm not really up to date on my "X Games" people, but who in the hell is Dave Mirra? What does he do? Why is he hosting this show? Especially when he's not very good at all at reading from his cue cards.
-You gotta check out the “Contender” when you get a chance. Not too much ripping you can give the show, other than the sound editing of Sugar Ray Leonard trying to cheer the teams on during challenges. I don’t think he says any of that stuff live. Kinda like the boardroom in a way, where they just dub everything in afterwards. But the boxing quality is good, the family aspect of it should draw a lot more females than would normally watch the show, plus it has Sylvester Stallone. Who doesn’t want to see that guy act?
-I don’t know how many episodes of “PowerR Girls” there have been, but I caught a couple over the weekend. It’s basically about Lizzie Grubman, the ritzy ditzy PR woman out of New York and her staff of airheads. And yes, it took me about an hour to figure out why the title of the show is written “PowerR Girls”. With the “P”, and the “R” being capitalized for obvious reasons. I’m kinda slow.
-Didn’t Lizzie Grubman like run over someone and almost kill them a couple years back? And somehow her and Tara Reid were in big trouble for a while? I could be way off on this but I don’t think I am. As for the show, I guess if you’re into that type of stuff, you’d like it. But all it is is her PR firm setting up gigs for some of the big names in music and movies. I saw the one where they had to coordinate the guests for P. Diddy’s All-White party. No, not for all white people. Everyone attending had to wear white to get in. And one of her staffers basically stalked Paris Hilton around the whole party because she idolizes her. Not a bad someone to idolize either. If there’s more of a no-talent hack currently walking around Hollywood, I’d like to know who it is. But I still got a kick out of watching this show. Basically sitting there thinking, “Apparently any sort of activity that more than three people enjoy can now have its own reality show.” Bizarre.
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