REALITY ROUNDUP WEEK OF 3.29.04 My thoughts on the past week of reality television….. -Boy Fox must really like this “Forever Eden” show. First it starts off on Mondays, then some nights its Tuesdays, then for three weeks it goes to Thursdays, opposite of “The Apprentice” mind you, now this week its on Friday. Huh? What’s going on here? And is “Paradise Hotel” even coming on this summer? I’ve officially given up on this show. What’s been happening? Someone fill me in on this nonsense. -“Playing it Straight” has been taken off the air, and apparently, they’re going to bring it back sometime in the summer. Dammit. Man, Fox sure has a lot of reality shows that they don’t know what the hell to do with. They’ll dump “Playing it Straight”, which was a pretty original concept buried on Friday nights, yet, they’ll stuff “The Swan” down our throats beginning next week, which is basically “Extreme Makeover” meets “Miss USA Pageant”. Not gonna work. “The Swan” is up against “The Bachelor” starting next week. It’s going to get murdered. -Are 13 year old girls the only ones doing the voting on “American Idol”? How in the world are John Peter Lewis and John Stevens still around? Do not try and convince me that John Peter Lewis can sing. He can’t. He can’t dance either. But girls seem to like the way he has a 2 inch gap between his front teeth so they fill up the phone lines every week. As for John Stevens, when every single song you sing sound the same, that’s a problem. Talk about no rhythm either. Yikes. John Stevens should be making tapes and CD’s only for people suffering from insomnia. Once again, I thought Jasmine had the best performance of the week, followed by Fantasia and Diana. Jasmine could lose this competition and she’s still getting a record deal guaranteed. I like George’s voice, I just can’t stand the facial expressions and the bouncing. Get rid of the bouncing. Do you know any other performer in the history of music who bounces up and down when they sing? Any of them? Sure, they might do it for one particular song, but not every single song they sing. But he’ll go far just because the voters are dolts. -Nice to see “Average Joe: Adam’s Still a Dweeb” already has its finale this Monday. Four episodes? Seems rather short doesn’t it? Good. I’m so over Adam’s gums and teeth, one episode is all I can take. I have no idea who the final two will be, although if I have to guess it’ll be that one girl, and that other one. Did you notice that four of the five girls remaining are the ones he’s kissed? What a male whore. -NBC is going to do an “Average Jane” in the summer. One average girl going after 15 hot slabs of meat. Once again, won’t work because America is not interested in average looking people. We want more Larissa’s, Melana’s, Kendal’s, and Cameran’s on these shows. We can do without the great personality chicks. -Finally, we came back to some normalcy on our two MTV shows, “RW/RR Challenge”, and “Real World: San Diego”. It’s so much more pleasant not having Trishelle around to cry about something. The Miz seems a hell of a lot more calm without his former slam around too. And speaking of the Miz, should he be considered the Ethan of the “Real World/Road Rules” series considering he’s banged about four of the girls involved with both shows. Does this guy ever stop? Coral, Kendal, Trishelle, etc….The Miz is a piece of work. Gee, I wonder when they bring him back next season if he’ll latch on to Cameran. Naaaaaaaahhhhhhh, she totally wouldn’t fit the profile of someone he’d taken advantage of. -There are rumors that Coral and CT do the deed as well. I didn’t watch “RW: Paris” so I don’t know a damn thing about CT. I do know Coral is a b**** at times though. Hope it works out for them. Really pulling for her. Hey, what about that guy who she hooked up with in Palm Springs before she made it to “RW: New York”? Remember? She got with some guy in the pool, then they went in the shower, then she ended up making “RW: New York” and he got cut? I wonder if she ever spoke to him after that. I’m guessing no. Also, considering everyone hates that Katie chick on the Road Rules team, and considering how much time they spend talking about what a liability she is, you can guarantee that she’ll be around until the end when it’s all said and done. -As for “Real World: San Diego”, I waited a week for this show to come back on and they frankly delivered one of the more boring episodes we’ve ever seen. The snake vs. mouse/Frankie vs. Robin thing was completely ridiculous. What a shocker to hear that Frankie was into snakes. In fact, to quote her, “I love way snakes move. I love the way snakes feel…..” Yeah, we know Frankie. You used to work in a porn shop. Of course you did. You’ve probably felt more snakes than the “Crocodile Hunter”. Execpt yours require two “D” cells and make loud noises. -However, one funny part was Brad being 2,000 miles away from his parents and them basically kicking him out of the house. Nice folks. The kid is away filming a show, let’s send him an email telling him he’s got no place to live when he gets back and he needs to find a job or get out. I never would’ve thought in a million years that Brad didn’t have his sh** together and was on track for a wonderful 9-to-5 career job. He seems so on top of things. -Robin drives Frankie nuts. Frankie basically calls Robin a slut to her face. So Robin befriends the mouse that Frankie was going to feed to her new pet snake. This little tift apparently is going to come to blows at some point according to all the roommates. Which would make sense considering I’ve heard a rumor that Frankie leaves the house and another cast member is brought in at some point during the season. I think Frankie needs to get off this show and get back to her Tommy Lee boyfriend at home. I think he needs another tattoo. And piercing. -Outside of having that enormous rack, Robin’s freakin’ weird. You realize since the season has started, we’ve heard her speak with three different accents? Oh yeah. Her normal regular voice, Southern, and Hip Hop. She speaks English before she hits the bottle and starts trying to pick fights with everyone. She speaks with a Southern drawl when handling her new pet mouse. And she speaks Hip Hop at the clubs to anyone that’s not white. Very impressive. -Next week’s episode shows Frankie with a knife. Jamie calls Frankie a “cutter”. What’s a “cutter”? Am I not hip enough yet to know what that means? Is that a new phrase? Or is a “cutter” just a complete lunatic with tattoos and piercings everywhere who likes porn, plays with snakes, has cystic fibrosis yet chokes down heaters every day, and can’t stand the sight of boats. Ah. I get it now. Thanks for the clarification. -I was right about Troy not winning “Apprentice” strictly based on the fact there was no way the Donald was going to hire some ‘billie from Idaho to run one of his companies. No way. -I was wrong however about how many shows are left. Two people get cut next week, with the finale being in two weeks. I think we’ll see Bill and Amy in the finals. Which makes sense. I still think Bill wins, but I haven’t heard anything on that yet. -Did you catch Katrina’s interview with TV Guide? Damn. She laid into Amy saying she used her sexuality more than she did. How, you ask? Katrina let the cat out of the bag saying, “Well, she slept with one guy during the show, and now she’s sleeping with another one after it.” Hmmmm….wonder who that could be? I knew I was right. She uses Nick during the show, and once Bill ends up winning it all, she hops onto him. Hey, whatever it takes. -Exactly whose idea was it anyway to bring back Omarosa next week? Is that really necessary? Haven’t we had enough of her? I guess she’s good drama since we don’t know what asinine thing is coming out of her mouth next. -Well, because “Real World” sucked this week, just this once, I’m gonna spend a tad more time on “High School Reunion” than normal. What a great show this is turning into. -Does the gay guy really need to be doing splits for us in the dolphin shorts? I thought only Richard Simmons did things like that? -By the way, SS girl’s name is Heather. She gets a “Hall Pass” and decides to take Gabe so that maybe she can fake a pregnancy and land him as her husband just like Denise did. Heather: “Old feelings might come back tonight. You never know.” You’re damn right they will. That’s the whole point of the show. Re-hook up with a guy that treated you like dirt 10 years ago. -Gabe: “It wasn’t Heather’s looks that initially attracted me to her. It was her personality.” No doubt, Gabe. No doubt. And she’s done a wonderful job of sharing that personality around the house to everyone else too. They all love her. Such a heart warming girl. Just lights up a room the minute she walks in. -These two parasailing was quite comical considering she was basically sitting in his lap. Then when she went to tighten the strap, it looked like she was trying to remove his johnson from his pants. She probably was but they made us believe it was a harness or something to keep them from dying. I know she was grabbing the magic stick. -If Heather is supposedly such a good looking girl and a fitness instructor, why does she dress herself in in camouflage capri pants? Is that the new look, or is she just trying to be ugly? -Gabe: “Feelings definitely started to resurface on my date with Heather.” Naaaaaaawwwwww, really? You seem like such a one-woman man, I’m shocked to hear this. I can’t imagine that when Heather and her giant cans start to make a move on you, you’ll play the perfect gentleman’s role and back away to say, “No. I can’t. I’m working on getting back together with Denise. But thanks for the offer.” Let’s just hope he brought a whole deluxe box of condoms out there. -Gabe: “I hope I didn’t hurt you. It was definitely my fault as to why we broke. It was me, not you.” Oh boy. He’s thrown out the line. It’s me, not you. Translation: I needed to stop having my cake and eating it too, so I chose Denise over you. -Gay guy’s birthday was a real hoot. Everyone dressed up for him except redneck TJ who sat by idly as everyone else had fun. TJ hates gays. That’s what we’ve come to know about him. And of course, he was none too thrilled when the stripper cop showed up. If anyone didn’t see that cop being a stripper from a mile away, you’ve got problems. Very obvious. Even funnier watching TJ practically vomiting at the site of a guy-on-guy lap dance. But instead of vomiting, he just hit the bottle of tequila straight. -While Heather and Gabe are restarting their sex drive, Denise is a mess at the house thinking of them out together. “I know he had feelings for her. I just don’t think he ever loved her.” Of course he didn’t. She was his rebound chick. After he broke up with you, he did what all seniors in high school do – go after the younger cheerleaders to make the senior girls jealous. -The boxing match between TJ and the gay guy was horrible. Just horrible. We could’ve done without this. Someone needed to take out some aggression so they created a boxing ring and had them swinging their arms around like girls. Great fight. -Johnny and Louann go on their second alone date and things you can tell are heating up. He wants to jump her, she wants him to jump her, but she’s just gotta get over that little hurdle known as “the boyfriend back home who can’t defend himself while she’s in Hawaii getting her freak on”. The sexual tension with these two in unbearable. Just hit it already. -Trevor gets a hall pass and asks Amanda, one of the other sophomores, out on an alone date. Not bad. Full nude massages, and they get to jump in a tub filled with rose petals where he tells her, “I would like to massage you”. Translation: I want to feel you up. Do you mind? No? Ok. Then although I haven’t seen you in 10 years, take off all your clothes, jump in this tub with me, put your back against my chest, and let me rub away. Yeah, all my first dates go like that. Amanda is definitely trying to steal the SS nickname away from Heather. -Then these two horndogs move over to the pool where Amanda and her fake rack attack him even more. Wow. For a guy who was such a loser 10 years ago, “The Pipsqueak” is the actual word they use to describe him on the show, she sure has fallen for him. Either that, or she hasn’t been felt up in a while. I think what he’s doing is illegal in most states. -Next week they show us yet another one-on-one date that Johnny and Louann go on. How many do these two get to have? Twelve? I mean, if she continues to go out on these one-on-one’s with him, only to tell him in the end she can’t take it any further, I’d sue the show if I were him. That’s cruel and unusual punishment. Make up your mind already. Either lay down the law and say it’s not going any further, or just jump in the sack and get it over with. Geez. You can cut this tension with a knife. Return to the realitysteve.com home page
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