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WEEK OF 5.2.05
Thoughts on the last week of reality television. Shows include “Survivor”, the “Apprentice”, “American Idol”, the “Contender”, “Gastineau Girls”, and the “Simple Life”.
-It’s safe to say that with Stephenie gone now, I think most people’s rooting interest is in either Tom or Ian. What have Caryn, Katie, Greg, or Jen done for any of us to root for them? Maybe we should’ve known Stephenie was headed home when the previews for the show focused on her turning the women against the men. Seemed to be too much to give away. Now with the original four person alliance of Katie, Stephenie, Tom, and Ian gone, who will the new final four be? It’s all a guess at this point since you have no idea who’s winning Immunity. But I’ll go with Tom, Ian, Greg, and Jen. Caryn isn’t part of any alliance, and since Stephenie’s gone, I don’t know what alliance Katie’s in now either.
-I realize Ian was smelling pretty bad, but was there a reason he told Greg to bathe him in the ocean? What was that all about? When did these two become lovers? And how did Jen not get completely frazzled by the sight of this? I sure did. All they showed us was Greg rubbing down Ian’s back. I’m sure it went a hell of a lot further than that.
-Is this the week they bring back the families so everyone at home can bust out the Kleenex boxes? They never showed anything in the previews, but they usually do it with around six left. And since they got letters last week, this seems to be the appropriate time. Hopefully Jen will have a boyfriend back home to visit her and he and Greg can throw down. Fight for the woman they love. Battle to the death. Whoever wins gets first shot at her dumper when they get back home. Greg’s not gonna let his little slam go that easy.
-Every season “Survivor” claims that there’s barely any food out there, that they’re not gonna give em’ anything but a hunting knife and couple pots, and the weather is the worst in the history of the show. Then the season goes along, and the show just gives in. Same thing every season. In the beginning, they have to fend for themselves, but after about fifteen days, here come all the food reward challenges. Always seems to work that way. I don’t blame them though. No way could people survive 39 days like that without a couple slices of pizza and beer every once in a while. You wouldn’t think.
-I read in an article that Probst contemplated quitting the show after the “All Stars” season when the whole Richard vs. Susan incident happened. Imagine if that would’ve happened? How would the series continue? Could they honestly find someone else to say, “Survivors ready? Go!”, and raise their arms the way Probst does? What other game show host out there could say, “Koror wins reward!” eight times in a row like he did? He would’ve been one hell of a host to replace, I tell ya’.
-I have a sneaking suspicion that we’re going to have an all female finals on the “Apprentice”. Not like I’m going out on a limb there, I’m just saying. Kendra’s undefeated as Project Manager, as is Craig, but Trump isn’t going to dump Tana one week after saving her butt. Wouldn’t make much sense. If he was going to fire her, it would’ve been after that giant blunder from last week where she decided to drive half way across the state to buy some “bedazzlers”. Nice move. That worked out well for you. Kendra and Craig sold 70 more shirts than them and got blasted by $1,000. If that doesn’t get her fired, what does?
-I think Alex really thought he wasn’t going home, but five straight losses, and going up against someone who had just lost for the first time, and the way George and Carolyn both leaned towards firing Tana, you had a feeling Trump wouldn’t do it. He’d take too much crap if he picked another male this season. I don’t see any way Craig even gets to the final two other than Kendra throwing up on someone during her interviews. Which, I guess, could happen. Either that, or someone interviewing her finds her hand gesturing and the bobbing of her head when she talks to be so distracting that they kick her out.
-I’m more looking forward to the six people they’re going to bring back to help the finalists with their final task. Here’s my guesses: Stephanie, Erin, Bren, Alex, Chris, and whichever one loses. I wonder if Craig will pick Kendra for his team or vice versa? Yeah, probably not. And hopefully during the finale we can get an update on Bill and Kelly. Can we find out their salaries or something? Can we get a progress update as to what the hell they’re even doing anymore? That would be nice, thanks.
-I think it’s safe to say things were not all right in the Reality Steve apartment last Wednesday night when Constantine got sent home. I almost threw up my dinner. He wasn’t the best performer last week (I had him fifth out of the six performances), but I don’t know what stunned me more: him leaving, or Scott avoiding the bottom three altogether. I’m telling you, whatever Simon says, usually the opposite happens. “Pack your bags”, and Scott doesn’t even make the bottom three? You sure told him, Simon.
-The judges slobbered on Bo yet again. But maybe it was because him mom was a MILF. Did you catch her act? Yikes. And I agree that those sunglasses were completely brutal that he was wearing. I thought he might make the bottom three on those God awful things alone. And I got dizzy just looking at his shirt. Not the greatest outfit in the world. And how come only Bo and Constantine when they perform have one hand half way down the microphone stand, while the other hand is holding the microphone? Is that the universal symbol for “I’m cool because I’m a rocker guy”? I guess I haven’t watched enough “Whitesnake” or “Bon Jovi” videos to know if only cool rock people do that.
-You know what I’ve really started paying attention to on “American Idol”? The signs that people make for the contestants in the audience. Here was the best one from last week: “Vonzell is Swell”. Wow. Pure brilliance. How long do you think it took someone to come up with that one? Not many positive adjectives that rhyme with “Vonzell” are there? “Vonzell is Dandy”? “Vonzell is Bootylicious”? “Vonzell Can Go to Hell”? Not much to choose from there. Congrats to Longfellow who came up with “Vonzell is Swell”. I think it’s the same person who’s writing Seacrest Out’s bad jokes.
-Anthony actually turned in a halfway decent performance last week. He better have, or the first comment I would’ve made regarding “American Idol” this week was that Anthony sounded better on tape as a 1 ½ year old as he does now. And by the way, in case you didn’t notice, Constantine’s mom named is “Constance”. Wow. What else do you say to something like that? Was she on a time crunch to name her child?
-Now, onto our favorite portion of “American Idol”, Ms. Paula Abdul. Well, we talked about expose that’s gonna air tomorrow night, and the story goes that Corey Clark from Season 2, is claiming that Paula slept with not only him, but also Justin Guarini. And? Like half the people watching this show didn’t think that already? Why would that “change the way you watch the show forever’, as they’re claiming? If anything, it’d make me tune in if I didn’t watch the show to try and guess who she was banging this season. And judging by her reaction to Constantine’s exit, I think we all have our answer. Wasn’t that obvious was it? She only told us she loved him earlier this season.
-And isn’t it ironic that Ms. Abdul, after 12 consecutive weeks of jumping up and down, slurring her speech, and acting like a complete baffoon, that last week the woman barely said a word? Yeah, she’s not scared sh**less right now about this expose Wednesday night. The bottom line is, even if Corey Clark is lying and doing this for attention, the accusation is still out there. You think because Kobe settled people don’t look at him different anymore? It’s going to say with him the rest of his life, whether he did it or not. And it’s not like Paula is the most emotionally stable person on this planet. My guess is Paula Abdul will not be a judge on “American Idol” next season. She’ll either quit, be forced to quit, or they won’t ask her back. Really, what does she offer the show anyway? You know before they go to her reaction what she’s going to say. She’s by far the most expendable person on that show. She ain’t coming back.
-I don’t know what ABC is even trying to prove by running this expose anyway? To try and steal viewers since they’re getting their head kicked in every week by “American Idol”? Whatever. I’m glad they’re doing it, I just don’t know why they are. Especially if it makes Paula look bad. I just found it so hilarious how her behavior was a complete 180 last week. It’s like she’s basically admitting she’s been acting like a fool all season, without actually admitting it. I can’t wait to see how she’s going to react next week after the expose airs. They might have to have her strapped into the chair with the bottle of pills within arms reach of her. Forget the contestants, Pauls is gonna become the focal point of the show.
-Regardless of who wins between Jesse Brinkley and Anthony Bonsante next week, I have no idea who’s going to win the “Contender”. The final four matchups are going to be unbelievable. Manfredo is the most experienced of the group. Alfonso has a chin made of granite. Sergio has put together the two most impressive wins, and either Jesse or Anthony will be tough. This is turning out to be one hell of a show. I just still don’t know why people aren’t watching this. You don’t even have to be a boxing fan to like this show. You can hate boxing and probably still like the “Contender”. Besides the bad sound editing they do on Sugar Ray during the challenges, everything else is really well done. But to hear it’s barely drawing better ratings than Oscar De La Hoya’s the “Next Great Champ” is pretty disappointing. And it’s not like they didn’t hype the show enough. Hell, we saw the commercials for months leading up to it. Very bizarre.
-Thanks to those of you who emailed me explaining who the “Gastineau Girls” were. I had an idea that she was the ex-wife of former NY Jets lunatic Mark Gastineau, I just wasn’t sure. And the fact that I hadn’t heard any stories about Mark going off and trying to leech onto this show, made me wonder if it was really his ex-wife doing this show. Mark Gastineau could possibly be the craziest individual to ever walk this planet. But enough about him. His ex is a skank and his daughter is hot. They like to shop and go to ritzy NY clubs, so apparently, that means that they can have their own TV show. Unbelievable.
-Speaking of skanks who like to shop, why are they even still airing the “Simple Life” anymore? Everyone knows these two hate each other now and Nicole Ritchie already got sh**canned for next season. The fact that anyone still give two shi**s about Paris Hilton is beyond me, but now that these two’s feud is out in the open, and Paris is doing next season with Rod Stewart’s daughter in Hawaii, who wants to watch Paris and Nicole fake like they don’t know how to do remedial jobs like answering a phone or somethng? Paris Hilton should only be appearing on my television screen if she’s in hotel room naked, there’s a blacklight on, and she’s completely coked out of her mind. Other than that, I can’t see why anyone has any use for this talentless hack.
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