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WEEK OF 6.21.04
Thoughts on the last couple weeks of reality television. Sorry about last week's roundup not making it up. My dog ate it. No, actually the computer ate my disk. Sort of. Ok, I lied. I never wrote it. I was going to, but there were only a couple of shows that had started, so I decided to postpone it a week. My apologies. Here we go.....
-Well, well, well. So Jesse squared has finally called it quits? Wow. That must've been a rough break up. All the heartache and torment those two have gone through in their month together is equivalent to a couple who's been married 25 years. Gotta feel for them. Uhhhhh....not quite. Is anyone surprised by this? I predicted they wouldn't last until the next "Bachelor" started in September. Gee, they sure blew that one out of the water. A month? I mean, a month????? Kids, I've had flings that lasted longer than that. Scratch that. No, I haven't. But you get the point. What happened to Jessica "searching for apartments on the East Coast and applying to East Coast law schools?" Guess that's down the drain too. Like Jesse cares. He was probably at "Scores" the next night in lap dance heaven.
-So what happens to the one way ticket he gave to Jessica? Can he at least front for the return ticket? Now she's stuck in god awful Hoboken, NJ? I don't think I'd be caught dead there. Let's see: Huntington Beach, Ca.? Or Hoboken, NJ? Toughie. That smell of urine and sewage is really tough to stay away from. But if she's forced to choose.......
-I mean, this is getting hilarious. The "Bachelor" isn't even trying to pretend these are going to work. These relationships are getting shorter and shorter. And you know what? We'll keep watching. This show will continue to produce failed relationships, it'll continue to be ABC's 2nd highest rated show, and we'll continue to watch and laugh our asses off. Ever since a 10 car collison on the freeway? Same thing. You have to look.
-*******This next paragraph is for those of you over the age of 18. You've been forewarned.********* In case you haven't heard, our little innocent, mother-of-two, "Survivor" Final Four member, Jenna Lewis, decided to make a little sex tape on her wedding night. As she informed us on the reunion show, she eloped with some wannabe model/actor guy who, as we've now come to find out, likes videotaping he and wife mauling each other on their wedding night. And from what I've gathered in the snippets I've been lucky enough to have seen, Jenna is very aware of what is going on around her, and is aware the camera is running at all times. How do I know this? Well, she's talking right into the damn thing before devouring her husband's.....you get the point. This video is far more explicit than anything Paris has put out, and I'm in utter shock and disbelief she'd do this. But to each her own. Whatever floats her boat. Never in my life did I think someone could enjoy a bowl of man chowder as much as Jenna, but she's proved us all wrong. For those interested, "http://realitytail.com/home.html" is the site. Right away, you will see a once single mom in the most compromising positions. On her wedding night, nonetheless. Very classy, Jenna. And should we be surprised her name is "Jenna"? *********Kids, be sure to get your parents permission before logging on and getting off (literally and figuratively)***********
-Has anyone caught the "Ultimate Love Test" on ABC? Or, as I like to call it, "Temptation Island Light". Basically the same exact concept except for 25 hookers and male strippers vying for one person, it's just one. The problem is, some of the couples are just flat out boring. Let's start with Jayre, who through the miracle of science, is the product of MC Hammer and Urkel having a baby. Probably one of the most unattractive black men ever on these shows. And his girlfriend what's-her-face is nothing to write home about either. If what's-her-face thinks this playa' has even contemplated settling down with her, she's got another thing coming. Horndog. They're breaking up.
-Then we have our love triangle between Amber, Diego, and Amber's suitor, Roy. Amber and Diego live in Vermont. Amber wants to experience the world. Diego wants to powerlift and do squats all day. Roy is the stereotypical "Mr. Nice Guy" who has a PhD, good looks (I guess), and zero flaws about him. And guess what? He possesses every single quality possible that Diego doesn't. Imagine that? Where'd they find such a guy for Amber? These producers are amazing! Roy wants to kiss Amber, Amber doesn't feel right yet, and Diego's back at home fuming and practicing his kickboxing. Bizarro. I think they're leading us to believe that Diego fly down to Cabo, meet Roy one-on-one, and shatter his face in. Maybe. "Kick his ass, Seabass!"
-Then we have band members and lovers, Heather and the lead singer from "The Cars", Rick Ocasik. Well, he looks like him at least. This has to be one of the more uninteresting couples ever put on a reality show. Nice apartment that they share. What's the rent there? About $300 a month? Clean the place up, would ya? I can't believe two living, breathing human beings would actually choose to live in that outhouse. Then again, they are living in Downey, California. Downey = Sh**hole. Heather's been paired with her ex, C.R. Has anyone ever known anyone named C.R.? I've heard C.J., C.B., and J.R. before, but never a C.R. Anyway, Ocasik back home is very jealous of C.R. and he's about to lose it. One question: Why exactly did Heather leave C.R. for that dolt anyway? These two are breaking up.
-Then finally there's my favorite couple of Kenesha and Brandon. Brandon likes women. Especially ones not named Kenesha. Oh, he loves his girlfriend, he just has an odd way of showing it. For one, he's cheated on Kenesha in the past, and she's said if he does it again, they're done. So what does Brandon do on his first night away from Kenesha in Cabo? Gets piss drunk and slobbers all over Brooke, the Tina Fabulous look-a-like. Of course Brooke, being the upstanding, honest woman that she is, says she's rooting for Brandon and Kenesha to stay together and she only went to Cabo to help them with their relationship. Awwwww, how nice of her. Just an attractive single, woman going on a show to reunite with a guy she met once and had an immediate connection with. But not to get with him. No, no, no. To help him in his soul searching to find out where he is in his relationship, and what he wants out of it. I'm throwing up on my keyboard right now.
-Brooke, sorry honey, don't try to play yourself off as the virgin mary. You agreed to go on the show for whatever reason you may have, it's still not good enough for us viewers. Now apparently tonight she is going to confront Kenesha herself and tell her what a lying, cheating dog Brandon is. Ooooooohhhhhhh...how big of you Brooke. You're our hero. I really hope they replace Brooke with some chick that Brandon will try and bone. That makes everything much more interesting. I mean, please. How fun of a show would this be if everyone stayed loyal, and everyone stayed together. Sure, it'd be great for them. But for the viewing audience? Ahhh, no. Don't need that. Let's see some love triangles, let's see some catfights, let's see Hammer/Urkel tied up by three women trying to force themselves on him, and let's see Diego go Bruce Lee on Roy and beat the holy piss out of him. Now that's a show.
-I haven't watched "Real World" ever since they voted to bring the new boring guy from Idaho aboard. So I couldn't tell you a damn thing that's happened. Since Frankie's left, as neurotic, psycho, and completely out-of-touch with reality that she is, she still was the best part of the show. Well, her and Robin's twins that she carries in the front of her shirt. We miss you Frankie.
-And how bizarre is it that those seven people were in San Diego for 4 months total, and every episode until Frankie left was dedicated to the two months she was there. This toolbox from Idaho comes and lives there for I'm guessing the remaining two months, and he gets four episodes. Gee, he must feel important. I read a story where once Frankie got home, she found out her freak show boyfriend was seeing someone else. Needless to say, she almost lost it again. But she says they're fine now. Well that's good to hear. I'm happy for Frankie, as should all of you be. I just hope we all get invited to the wedding.
-There's another reason why I haven't given a rat's ass about "Real World": "Joe Schmo 2" debuted last week. For those who are unaware, now that WB's "Superstar USA" is done, this is the funniest reality show on television. Why? Because it makes fun of all the reality dating shows. If you haven't heard of the show, or don't know the concept, have someone else fill you in before you tune in on Tuesday nights 10:00pm on Spike TV. Great f***in show. Watch it. Dammit. I'm serious.
-People have asked for me to do a column on "Joe Schmo 2", but there really is no need to. I do a column on "Bachelor" and "FLOM" because those shows aren't intended to be funny, and it's my job to make fun of it. They're actually trying to convince us these people are trying to find love on TV. And it comes out to be a freakin' riot because these people start making asses of themselves, which in turn makes it east to make fun of. "Joe Schmo 2" doesn't take itself seriously and is INTENDED to be funny. There's nothing I can say or write funny because the show already is. So just watch the damn thing so I don't need to explain myself anymore.
-Speaking of funny, that WB "Superstar USA" was hilarious. And wherever this guy "Briggs" came from, we need to see more of him. He stole the whole show. How many times did he try and pick up on Jamie by telling her he loved her breasts and ass and her not understand they were playing around? I can't believe those kids had no idea this whole thing was staged considering they never got to meet any of the other contestants. I think Jamie won for the sole reason that if Rosa or the other dork would've "won", and found out it was a big hoax, they might have just off'ed themselves right there on stage. Crazy.
-One last thing on "Superstar USA": I've been in karaoke bars. And I've seen the worst of the worst, especially here in L.A. where everyone thinks they can do karaoke no matter how bombed out they are, or how of a singer they are. In fact, it kind of goes hand in hand, the worse of a singer these people are, the more and more they drink to justify them making a complete and utter mess of themselves in front of everyone. So anyway, I've seen it all. Or, at least I thought I did. Rosa's final performance to "Bootylicious" might have been the worst performance in the history of mankind. History. And she thought she was the bomb. I have it on tape and I'm never erasing it. Ever.
-Speaking of performances, have I ever told you about my 1st place Lip Sync in 7th grade, which I brought back to life 5 years later in high school by popular demand? I didn't? Oh, ok. I'm sure somewhere, somebody still has that thing on tape. Let's just say the song I did was one of songs on the final episode of "Superstar USA". That's all you get.
-I love how they made a big deal out of the "Last Comic Standing" so-called "controversy" last week. The three judges were upset and apologized to the comedians saying that three of the people who made it in the house were not ones that they agreed on. Then when the producer told them that their votes weren't the only ones that counted, and the other producers had a say in it, it was like, "Oh. Ok. Sorry for blowing up. We didn't know." However, there were definitely some comedians that made it who didn't deserve it. You could tell there were definitely a couple people "cast" because they'd "fit" better in the house. But I've seen Todd Glass in person before, and he's the funniest out of all of them. I'd be shocked if he didn't win.
-Well, at least one of the comics who had no business being there got the boot last night. The only reason Bonnie McFarlane was in the house was because she was a semi attractive female. And if you know anything about the stand up comedy circuit, there aren’t many females, and there certainly are fewer attractive females. Getting beat 94% to 6% can’t feel too good.
-This season of “Who Wants to Marry my Dad?” might be a tad too much. Can we get some more males on the show? Please. Christ, we only have one. Well, two if you count the lie detector guy, but he says the same thing every week. If Kleenex didn’t take out at least three minutes worth of advertising during this show, someone’s not doing their job. Next week, I’m watching this show with a stopwatch to see how long we can last in between someone crying. Whether its one of the daughters, the contestants, or the father. I still don’t remember anyone’s name yet. I’ll get there.
-How would you like to be one of the two old broads that got sent home without even getting a chance to meet the old codger? That sucks. Probably stings a little bit. Basically what they’re saying is, “In the ten seconds we’ve known you, you’re not good enough for our daddy.” Translation: Try wrinkle free cream next time before you try out.
-And at what point do we find out the status of Marty’s former wife? Ex con? Drug addict? Slept around? C’mon people. Gimmie the dirt. And this is one of the few shows where I actually care about seeing who DIDN’T make it as the head bachelor. Who did Marty beat out? I mean, did some 70 year old guy in cane and dentures walk in to try and get the gig? Can I go to NBC.com and find out? Please. Help me out here. I need to be entertained. Six or eight weeks of absolute blubbering by all these women is going to make me sick to my stomach. For God’s sakes, tell me this guy has an illegitimate son somewhere.
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