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WEEK OF 7.19.04
Thoughts on the last week of reality television. Included in this recap are "Who Wants to Inject More CC's into My Dad?", "Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy", "Joe Schmo 2", "UItimate Love Test", "Last Comic Standing", and a couple of early reports from "Survivor 9", the next "Real World/Road Rules Challenge", and "Apprentice 2".
-So as I stated in a previous column, Marty Botox popped out his three children when he was 19, 20, and 22 years of age. Exploring a bit further, I realized that this guy was married for 27 years, and has been divorced for only two. Boy, he sure doesn't wait long does he? Twenty-seven years of love and passion with the same woman, a heartbreaking divorce, and now he's back on the market looking to tie the knot again. Geez. Guy moves fast. Is he that needy that he needs to jump into a marriage just two years removed from 27 years of marital bliss? Hey, who am I to say what this guy can and can't do with his life. I'm not him. I just know I think I'd wait a tad longer. And why haven't we seen the ex at all? I want her to show up to give us bad facts about Marty.
-Sort of things like, "Marty once left his botox needle out on the bathroom counter and Nicole came in and stabbed herself in the temple with it." Or, "When Marty and I used to make whoopee, sometimes his hair plugs would become unglued and clumps of hair would fall on my chest." These poor ladies getting trashed on by things that happened to them in the past, so why can't Marty? Guess it's too late now. Show ends in two weeks. Bastards.
-And why is the finale two weeks from now? Please don't tell me that means FLOM is 2 hours next week. Please don't tell me that. I definitely don't need that. What could possibly take them two weeks to show us? Let's put this dog out of its misery before it's too late. And then a reunion show probably the week after. Oye vey. Is that how you spell that? And which one of these daughters is the one that wants to be the actress/singer/model type? I'm guessing it's Jennifer. She's the best looking one of the group.
-I love how Marty took them to Santa Anita racetrack for their date because he's an addict. Nothing like letting that cat out of the bag. "Yeah, I took you here because I like to bet the mortgage on the ponies. Hope one of you future wives don't mind that at all." Marty's a good guy. Not too slick with the ladies, but a good guy nonetheless. Can I get invited to the wedding? Or the reception?
-And could you believe that the three horses the ladies picked finished 2nd, 3rd, and 4th in the race, thus giving us a chance to hear a dirty secret about their past? How coincidental it happened that way. Especially when the horse that won ended up coming out of nowhere to win. Call me crazy, but there was probably some creative editing done there. Not sure though.
-Suzanne's ex revealed her dirty secret was that she talked too much and told stories just to hear herself talk. That's a dirty little secret? That a woman talks too much? Who had this guy been dating? Deaf women? Buddy, women talk. A lot. Not a bad thing. Not a good thing. It just is what it is. If any guy in the history of the world went into a relationship thinking his woman wasn't going to talk, he should be committed to an institution.
-Marilyn's ex (who was fat, ugly, and had a horrible mustache. C'mon Marilyn. You couldn't pull better than that?) said that she's very high maintenance. Again. That's a secret? A woman is high maintenance? Why don't you just tell me her secret is that she gets PMS? Or that she looks in the mirror at herself and asks, "Do I look fat?" once a week. I thought we were getting some good dirt on these women.
-Now Stacy's ex had some interesting info. Apparently she passes gas and buys $200 bottles of wine out at dinner. A lot. Now that's more like it. There's some good dirt. But what does Marty care. She's the one he's gonna marry anyway. Her ex could've said she once went on a four state killing spree with a butcher knife, and Marty would've looked the other way.
-Speaking of Stacy winning, if you notice in the clips from the finale, the one he proposes to has a spaghetti strap dress on, and it looks like Stacy. Plus, the woman also has very skinny arms, which is also Stacy. Although Stacy is rather emotionless sometimes because the Botox has her face so hardened in one position, Marty seems to like her the best, and I think he'll convince the daughters to choose her. And it'll last about a week like Patrick Stewart's "marriage" did last season. Can we get an update on him please? Is he starring in any of the upcoming "Star Trek: Enterprise" movies or TV shows? That's all I want to know.
-I really loved when Marilyn had to ride the mechanical bull longer than one of the sister’s so that she wouldn’t get another bad fact revealed about her. I mean, it would’ve been fair if her bull wasn’t turned up to warp speed, and the sister’s was set as “turtle speed”. Sucks to be Marilyn. Especially when the secret that was revealed was that she got married and divorced in the same weekend. Great explanation too: “I was 26. I was young. I made a mistake. We all regret things in life, but I can’t look back now. It happened, and it’s over with.” Great. Now tell us exactly what your Blood Alcohol Level was that night. Are we talking Britney and Jason Alexander drunk, or just Ross and Rachel tipsy? We need to know this type of stuff.
-Did I hear them correctly on Suzanne’s challenge? Did the girls have to successfully score only 6 of 60 shots for Suzanne’s bad fact to get revealed? Six of sixty? Patrick Roy couldn’t stop 54 of 60 shots, yet petite Suzanne is supposed to? That made sense. And not only that, you’ll allow all three girls to fire pucks at the exact same time? That was brutal. Funny, but brutal. And only to find out Suzanne owns 50 pairs of shoes? C’mon. Doesn’t every woman?
-When the daughters sat Papa Facial Injections down to find out who he thought was least compatible, I knew this wouldn’t go well. He said Marilyn and Suzanne, yet one of the daughters caused a stink because she thought Marilyn and Stacy. Well, after this, we pretty much knew who was going home that night. But I loved Marty’s reaction when his daughters told him to leave so they could make their decision: “Pssssshhhh….I’ll be in my room.” Oh stop it, dad. Quit pretending to be mad. You ain’t fooling anyone.
-Have you noticed that when Principal Rooney applies the lie detector tests to the ladies, he gets awfully close to feeling them up? Someone might want to check into that. Especially when this guy is up for child pornography charges. Now you’re letting him conduct lie detector tests on national television? Something doesn’t seem right here.
-Where can I purchase the “Who Wants to Marry My Dad?” soundtrack? Are these songs real songs, or were they strictly recorded for the show? Have you ever listened to these lyrics once one of the ladies gets booted? It’s freakin’ depressing. When Marilyn got booted these were the first two verses of the song that played:
“This is the last time, That is why I’m crying….”
I’m positive these songs were made strictly for the show. Nobody would ever think about actually releasing that garbage onto a CD and charging money for it. Would they?
-Did you catch this “Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy” last night? Pretty funny. Especially since Mrs. Nakamura made a complete ass of herself. Has she ever been outside of her own neighborhood block? The woman was completely clueless that there are actually some people in this world whose life is different than hers.
-The twist being each wife that gets swapped will have to decide on her own how she wants the family she stayed with the divide up the $50,000 winnings. It’ll be interesting to see what Mrs. Nakamura decides for the Biggins family, because let’s be honest, they don’t have a lot of money. That could really come in handy. But who cares what Mrs. Biggins chooses for the Nakamura’s. Sure, it’d be great for them to get $50K, but it’s not like they need it. If I were Mrs. Biggins, I’d say the Nakamura’s must take their $50,000 winnings, and sign it over to the Biggins family. There’s no intrigue behind what Mrs. Biggins does, is there? The Nakamura’s already have a sh**load of money. What’s another $50K.
-This is definitely going to be a fun show to watch. Especially if they start making sure one of the families is complete white trash, or one of the families combined household IQ is pushing double digits. Good stuff. And while we’re on the subject of switching wives, do either of the husbands legally get to tag the new mom living in the house for a week? Just asking.
-I think Eleanor’s performance on “Joe Schmo 2” this week was Emmy worthy. That was hilarious. When she told him she didn’t want a pearl necklace and he could take the necklace and shove it up his ass, definitely one of the top three moments of the season. And I thought Austin played it off perfectly, especially when they continued with the ceremony. And we’re about 5 or 6 weeks into the show, and I still laugh my ass off everytime he asks one of the ladies, “Can I give you a pearl necklace?” Yes, I’m 29.
-I didn’t get the joke behind calling the falcon Montecure until I read two days ago that Montecure was the name of the lion that ate the gay magician, Roy. I think I knew that at some point, but it never really registered until I read the article. Another genius little attention to detail the producers covered.
-Someone needs to set their VCR or TiVo tonight for 10:00 on ABC. You will officially see a grown man cry like no other grown man has cried before on national television ever. And I mean EVER. Diego’s complete and utter meltdown tonight could be one for the ages. Which will be complete opposite of Frank who I don’t think cares one way or another if Heather dumps him on his ass.
-I think one of the funnier scenes of the season was Diego watching Amber’s personal video and he had his like 13 year old brother sitting next to him the whole time. The brother, Donovan, had this look on his face of, “And you’re making me watch this because…..” I don’t think he even knew what was going on. “You mean my brodder Diego’s on TV? Wow! Cool!” That kid was completely lost. Completely. Yet there’s Diego trying to explain everything to him and it’s just going in one ear, out the other.
-The previews for tonight's episode shows both Heather and Amber saying all the negative things towards their boyfriends, which in reality television translation means they’ll both stay together. Not that either one of these two ladies should spend one more second with the toolboxes they’re with, but, that’s neither here nor there. You know they’ll stay.
-So our final five in “Last Comic Standing” are Kathleen, Alonzo, Gary, John, and Tammy. I can tell you right off the bat Tammy and Kathleen won’t win. No, I’m not a sexist. I’m a realist. Neither of them are that funny. Not compared to the other three at least. I’d say it’s between John and Gary. Gary has surprised me during the whole show. I thought he was a little green at first, but winning two challenges definitely improved his confidence I think. If you ask me to pick who I think SHOULD win, I’ll go with John. He’s top to bottom the funniest person left. If you ask me to pick who I think WILL win, I’ll go with Gary. Remember, this is a Hollywood crowd, he’s tall, he’s a good looking guy, he has a good demeanor about him, etc. I can see people actually looking past the comedy and voting on looks and appearance. Not saying he’s not funny, because he is. But the added features definitely will help. America is attracted to good looking people. If Ralphie May isn’t 400 lbs, he kills Dat Phan last year. Kills him. Not even close. Ralphie May, whose act I’ve seen at least three times in person, blows Dat Phan out of the water. But his weight played an issue, I guarantee it.
-And so help me God if Ant makes it back in a wild card, I might throw my shoe through the TV. Great. So we’d get to hear more gay jokes from the Ant. How original. Please Ant, tell us one more time where you got that accent. San Francisco!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha….hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo…hee hee hee hee hee hee hee. You are such the card I tell ya’. You have a future in this business my man.
-I read that “Average Jane” has been put on the backburner for a while and two weeks after “Last Comic Standing” ends, they’re starting up another “Last Comic Standing.” I’ve got no problem with that. It’s a funny, funny show. Just don’t shelve “Average Jane” forever. That wouldn’t be good. And in case you were wondering, Adam from “Average Joe: Adam Returns” has broken up with his chick. Like a couple months ago too. Another one bites the dust. But hey, we got 40 year old grandpa’s competing on the “Bachelor” this season, so we’re sure to get a marriage, right?
-Some early reports on Survivor 9 is that they’re going with 18 contestants, like they did in All-Stars, instead of 16. Same for the “Apprentice”. They’re definitely confirmed for 18 contestants. Bill Rancic will also be filling in for George in the boardroom on a couple episodes, and at some point in the game, it will be a girls team vs. the guys team. There are numerous sites out there that have some of the names and bios of people cast for the show, but I’m not about to go over them right now. I think this will be a top-5 show all next season, especially with “Friends” gone now.
-And finally, the next “Real World/Road Rules Challenge” is approaching, and for the 12th consecutive season ladies and gentleman, the Mizz is back. He will forever be a “RW/RR Challenge” lifer. The guy can’t possibly ever try and get a normal job after this because who would hire him when every 3 or 4 months he has to leave to film another reality show. Also, EVERYONE from the “RW: San Diego” cast is in the next Challenge except for Frankie and the new guy that was in about 2 ½ episodes. Shocker. I thought this was something right up Frankie’s alley. She seems very athletic and would blend in well with all the other wannabe actors and actresses. Can’t wait.
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