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3.11.04
When news broke this week that Colby was soon to be appearing on an episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm”, that definitely threw up a red flag. First off, “Survivor” contestants are protected more than any game show contestant in the history of mankind. Until you get booted off the show, you can’t speak with anyone. And when the boot happens, you only can make the rounds on the “Early Show”, “Letterman”, and “Entertainment Tonight”. They don’t let you do anything since you’re under contract with them. I understand this “Curb Your Enthusiasm episode was probably taped before he left, or maybe it wasn’t, but the bottom line is that pretty much gave it away that Colby wouldn’t end up winning this thing. And considering HBO and CBS are owned by rival companies, it made it even more strange they’d allow Colby to even do it. But I guess guest-appearing on a popular show is better than talking about 4-bladed razors that still leave you with cuts. So what do I make of all this? I don’t know. I just felt I’d babble for a little bit.
-We start off with Jerry bitching cuz’ she couldn’t sleep. Boo hoo. Well, that’s what Kathy and Shi Ann think (For whatever reason, last week I spelled Shi Ann’s name with two “I’s”. I have no idea why I did this to be honest. Guess I thought it just looked better. I apologize “Shi-devil”. Don’t hate me). Shi Ann: “The things she says make me just want to vote her off”. We weren’t more than 1 minute into the show and they were already showing us a clip of tribe members wanting to vote someone off. Inevitably, when it came down to Jerri and Colby in the end, this first minute of the show should’ve been Clue #1 that Jerri wasn’t goin’ anywhere last night. They don’t give the show away in the first minute.
-Kathy: “Jerri doesn’t have good work ethic”. I thought this was rather harsh of Kathy to insinuate. Yes, she whines and bitches. Yes, she doesn’t help out around the camp. And yes, she was a liability at physical challenges. But you know what, I thought she showed tremendous work ethic during her “Playboy” shoot a while back. I’m guessing that took numerous takes and long hours in the sun to pull that off. You gotta applaud an effort like that, don’t you? I know I did. I applauded it quite a few times actually.
-“CYE” Colby: “Jerri has not changed since the first time we played this game.” Once again, completely disagree. I think she has very much. She’s at least a million dollars richer for selling out to “Playboy” and showing us her “A” cup breasts, and probably got paid even a little more coin to do the original “Surreal Life”. So technically, she’s made out like a bandit while Colby Probst has given himself after burn hocking a product that’s no better than the “Mach 3” blade.
-Over at Chapera-orgy, tree mail arrives and by the 300th lame poem they’ve read, the tribe thinks the immunity challenge is up first. It’s something to do with a puzzle. Anyway, they begin bad mouthing the Mogo Mogo tribe. Jenna: “Ethan freaks out during challenges”. I don’t know where in the world Jenna ever came up with this sort of take. Other than already having slept with Ethan, unless he let her in on a few secrets, I really don’t ever remember him flipping out during challenges. Maybe I’m wrong here. I think she’s just bitter Ethan dumped her for the OTHER Jenna, and Jerri. Good for him.
-Time for the reward challenge. Which Jeffy now says not only is for reward, but also is for immunity as well. Uh, oh. Another twist. They’re almost beginning to go overboard with all the twists. Here’s a twist: How about one episode where there isn’t a twist? Anyway, the winning team, gets to take one person off the losing team to join them in their feast and grants them immunity from their team’s Tribal Council. With it being 6-on-6, whichever team loses will only take 5 to Tribal Council.
-The Reward/Immunity Challenge is to all stand on your platform in the water, one-by-one swim down and unhook a piece of puzzle, gather all the pieces, run into the forest, cut a rope, raise your flag, grab two more paddles, take a calculus test, split the atom, develop a foreign policy to aid Third World countries, and paddle back to your platform. First team back wins. Teams are even. No one’s sitting out. Damn. I love it when they choose someone to sit out. Reminds me of when I was a bully in grammar school and used to get a sense of joy making someone sit out on my kickball team.
-Jeffy: “Wanna know what you’re playing for?” There we go, Big Jeffer. Knew you couldn’t go yet another week without changing that line whatsoever. So he tells them they’re playing for a full BBQ feast: burgers, fries, etc. Along with an open bar. No, not a “PEPPER BAR!!!!!!”, an open bar. Whatever genius thought of those new Quizno’s commercials better have been given a giant raise. Whoever thought that gerbils with banjos in their hands screaming about Quizno’s subs would be so damn funny? I certainly didn’t.
-Jeff (right arm down…left arm up): “Go!!!!” (right arm up….left arm down). Very tricky how he does this. I wonder if I went back and looked at the last seven previous “Survivors” how many times he started with the right arm down only to raise when they began vs. starting with the left arm down? If I ever muster up the time, I think I might look into that. And when that time comes, please, anybody, feel free to shoot me. Jeff, enough with the arm raises. We get it. Ready, set, go! 1….2….3. Those will work just as well.
-So as they’re competing, Jeffy’s doing his usual play-by-play. “Chapera out to the lead! Mogo Mogo trying to catch up! We can see Jerri’s nipple!” Same ol’, same ol’ stuff that frankly I could do without, but whatever. Let him do his best Chick Hearn impression and we’ll just have to live with it. Anyway, when it’s Colby’s turn to jump into the water and unhook the puzzle piece, Jeffy blurts out, “Donaldson is unhooked!” Once again, Probst boy going to the last name card, but only on Colby. Do we ever hear him call ANYONE else by their last name? I haven’t heard a “Vavrick-O’Brien takes the lead!” once (that’s Kathy for those unaware of these contestants last names). Or even a “Brkich is a hottie!” Nope. This bias towards his bed buddy Colby is making my stomach a little queezy.
-So it’s basically all even as they head into the woods to raise the flag and grab two paddles. If anything, Ethan had a bit of a lead on Boston Rob. Anyway, Ethan raises his flag first, then Rob does, then all the sudden Rob comes running out of there first with both paddles and Ethan is trailing. Did Ethan stop to take a leak or something? What did we miss hear? Which immediately brought me back to Jenna’s statement, “Ethan always freaks out during challenges”. Which made no sense at the time, but now of course, makes perfect sense. Those editing people know exactly what they’re doing.
-So the Chapera’s end up winning again, and are very happy once they make it back to their platform. Especially Amber. So happy to have won another challenge, so happy to know she’s going to be there at least another three days, she jumps off the boat, onto the platform, and SPLAT!!!! Takes a nice header right on the platform. Hey Amber baby, let me explain something to you here real quick. Jumping + wet platform = crack your head open. Of course, Boston Rob’s there immediately in full paramedic gear giving CPR and pushing down on her chest. Well, not really, but you know what I mean.
-Chapera chooses Kathy from the Mogo Mogo tribe to join them in getting drunk and eating tons of food, thus granting her immunity and voting during Mogo Mogo’s Tribal Council. I don’t know the explanation for them choosing Kathy, it was never really given, but here’s my opinion as to why. See if you agree with my deductive reasoning here: Kathy was on “Marquesas”. Boston Rob was on “Marqueses”. Boston Rob has proved himself this season to be the most dominant player ever in this game. Boston Rob wants to pick Kathy. Everyone on Chapera bows down and kisses Boston Rob’s feet. Therefore, we can deduct that Chapera takes Kathy. Seems simple to me.
-Commercial. Julia Stiles is in a movie coming up where she falls in love with a dude, and the dude is a Prince, making her a Princess or something. And “Princess” is in the title. Didn’t quite catch the full title though. Sorry. Anyway, my point is this: I think Julia has now gone about five consecutive movies without boinking some black guy, and its really beginning to bother me. She’s selling out to good ol’ Whitey now. That’s never good. Go back to your roots Julia. Mekhi Phifer and Sean Patrick Thomas miss that Jungle fever you provided them.
-Chapera is fired up for their win. They get picked up in a yacht, they immediately start drinking, and Boston Rob proposes a toast, “To teamwork and immunity!” Then someone in the group bellows out, “AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” Never guess who that was. I really wonder if the rumors are true and Rupert is a complete prick that no one likes. Apparently this guy’s act was all for the camera, and when he wasn’t on camera he was an a**hole to everyone else. Who knows? But it’s fun to speculate.
-I have another formula for you. Alcohol + Big Neck = some sort of ridiculous dance or song. In this case, it was a song. Big Neck and Boston Rob make up some God awful song welcoming Kathy to the team for a day. I couldn’t even begin to repeat the words. One, because I don’t remember them. And two, because whatever they were, they were terrible. Will CBS pay for Big Neck’s AA meetings, or does he have to cover that on his own?
-Back at Loser Loser camp, Ethan apologizes to everyone for screwing up the challenge. He says he takes full responsibility for them losing, thus making him feel vulnerable come Tribal Council. Ethan, I agree. You screwed up, big time. You had the lead heading into the trees, you raised your flag first, yet Boston Rob came out there before you. I just want to know what the hell you were doing, and why we didn’t get to see how he fell behind. Isn’t that kind of important? They usually show everyone in immunity challenges as to why they fell behind. They didn’t show us s**t with Ethan. Something tells me this might be addressed in future episodes. Maybe it was his and Lex’s plan all along to boot Colby Probst.
-Chapera has docked their yacht, they’re basically all toasted, then decide to jump off rocks into the bottom of a waterfall. Very smart thing to do. I’m sure Rob and Amber just wanted some alone time to dry hump each other but no one was going for it. Hey, if one person jumps, we’re all jumping. You two not excluded, you horndogs.
-Back at the Colby Colby tribe, Colby shows us he hates women. “There’s no difference between Jerri and Shi Ann to me. In fact, Shi Ann bugs me just as much as Jerri does, if not more.” Uh huh. Wow. Pretty powerful stuff. This might have been Colby’s demise. He might’ve read too many of his own press clippings. The sparkly white teeth, the twang in the voice, and the Southern charm just don’t seem to work so well the second time around, do they Donaldprobst?
-Back on the yacht, everyone on Chapera is at least .19 by now. Big Neck might be about .45. For a guy as big as him, it sure doesn’t take a lot to get him bombed out. Anyway, the funniest scene of the night happens when the yacht crew gives them golf clubs and golf balls to whack off of a mat they’ve placed at the end of the boat. Good stuff. Boston Rob tells us he was a state champion golfer on his high school golf team. He then proceeds to take the first swing and almost paralyzed himself after falling down. Impressive. A few swings later, the club went flying out of his hands into the ocean. Gee, I’m sure that wasn’t planned. Tiger Woods he is not.
-Meanwhile, Kathy’s giving away all of Mogo Mogo’s voting strategies to Jenna, Alicia, and Rob’s girlfriend. To which Big Neck approves of since it was all a master plan: Get Kathy hammered and see what info they can get out of her. Isn’t that unethical? Taking advantage of a drunken woman is usually a federal offense in most places. I didn’t like this strategy at all. Ok, so maybe I did. But I guarantee that Kathy just told them whatever they wanted to hear. She’s too smart and Rob’s girlfriend is too ditzy to know the difference.
-Back at Donaldson Donaldson camp, the voting strategy has officially begun. Colbyprobst has recruited Ethan to vote off Jerri. Of course Ethan’s down because it doesn’t involve him getting voted off. Then C-probst recruits Lex as well to make it four votes to one against Jerri since Lex will recruit Shi Ann. However, the game changes when Lex realizes this is his one big chance to knock off the guy controlling the game. So he tells Jerri that Colbster is gone tonight. Of course Jerri’s down because it doesn’t involve her getting voted off. Jerri and Ethan are in the same boat right now in case you couldn’t tell. So, believe it or not, the swing vote comes down to Shi Ann. Does she vote out the strongest physical player on the team, or the chick she hates. Geeeeee, I wonder. Considering Donaldprobst told her to her face last week he doesn’t respect her because she doesn’t have to make any tough decisions in the game, I think it was quite obvious at this point who was going to get a bit of a head start on his next Schick Quattro commercial.
-Back on the Chapera boat, nothing new is happening. Tom’s got blood in his alcohol stream, everyone is full from stuffing their face, and they’re still all celebrating by toasting some champagne. Hey, wait a minute. Where’s Rupert and Jenna? They’re not….you don’t think…..could they be…..naaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh. No way. Jenna’s not over Ethan yet. She couldn’t possibly want any piece of Rupert.
-Tribal Council is all set up for who Shi Ann will vote for. But first, the Probster must probe into the minds of these contestants to see what kind of dirt he can drag out of them.
Colby: “I hated losing to Rob.” What does he have against Amber’s boyfriend? I don’t think we’ve seen these two even interact before.
Jerri: “I’m going to vote as to who I feel is my biggest threat.” Then no need to vote for Shi Ann. She’s not nearly “Playboy” material yet. Oh, you mean threat as in the game. My bad.
Colby (knowing that Jerri was talking about him): “I don’t think it makes sense to cut the legs off of a valuable member.” Translation: If you don’t vote me off tonight Jerri, I might have sex with you.
Shi Ann (after Jeffby asked who she thought was the best physical player in the tribe and who they could least afford to lose): “We can’t afford to lose Colby.” Clue #2 that Colby was gone.
-So they show who everyone voted for but Shi Ann. They just show Shi Ann holding up her vote to the camera and saying, “You’ve underestimated my powers. You should’ve analyzed your own.” Uhhhhh….considering Jerri has no power in this game, that couldn’t have been a more blatant Clue #3 to Colby being voted out. Call me crazy.
-I didn’t tape the show, and I know for a fact I didn’t overanalyze this, but I noticed that when Probstson picks up the final paper, he immediately starts in with, “The 7th person voted out of ‘Survivor: All Stars’……” Didn’t hesitate one second after he saw his lover was getting booted for no other reason than he’s a threat. Usually after Jeff reads the name himself, there’s a couple seconds before he says, “And the __ person voted out……” This time, right when he saw the name, he started in with that because he was so pissed. And did you notice it took him about 10 seconds longer to flip over the card. That’s right, he didn’t want to see Colby leave! He was gonna milk it for as long as he could. No, I didn’t overanalyze this at all. I think Jeff was actually crying when he snuffed out Colby’s torch. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jeff quit the show after this week.
-All right everybody, set your VCR’s for next Wednesday. Yes, it’s a historical moment in “Survivor” history. Next week we get to see our first hookup ever while out on the island. By the looks of things, Boston Rob and Amber gives us a nice glimpse of them conceiving their first child together. Congratulations. It’s going to be a truly heart warming moment for all of us fans. I can’t wait. I never thought it would be physically possible for two disgusting dirty people to hook up out on the island, but ever since they won that soap and toothpaste and shampoo (don’t think that wasn’t intentionally done. The producers wanted some ass slapping on this show just as much as we did), you just knew they were gonna do it. Hey, my boy Cesternines even said so. That’s why he’s the greatest player to never win. Until next week when we’ll all be given cigars before the show airs.
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