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3.17.04
I hope we all get invited to Boston Rob and Amber’s wedding. I really do. I’ll bring a great gift. I mean, it would only be fair. We’ve watched their silly little relationship develop right before our eyes, week after week. It’s only fitting that we all get at least an invitation to attend. Hell, we almost got to witness the conception of their first child last night. What’s the big deal about going to their wedding. Are they creeping you out yet? I’m almost to that point. The producers will tease us with the “Are they really in love or actually teasing us?” quotes, but I think it’s real. When I want someone, and I sense they want me, there’s no doubt I would love to make that first move wearing the same thing I’ve worn for 20 days. So romantic. What an unforgettable first kiss. Must’ve tasted great. Anyway, let’s begin…
-First off, I must re-correct myself. Two weeks ago, I spelled “Shii Ann” with two “I’s”. Last week, I corrected myself saying it only had one “I”. Well, I was right the first time. “Shii Ann” has two “I’s”. And this matters why? Because I hate being wrong. I’m never wrong. Ever. Just remember that.
-Show starts with the night vision shot of Kathy arriving back at the Mogo Mogo camp after her day long lovefest hanging out with Rob & Amber’s tribe. Mogo Mogo is still at Tribal Council stupidly voting America’s favorite Schick Quattro spokesperson off. So Kathy wonders aloud who will be voting off while bending down to pick up some wood to build more shelter since the rain is coming. And she showed us her breast in the process. Thanks Kath.
-Mogo Mogo comes back pretending to be sad about Colby’s departure when every one of them voted for him but Ethan. They still his favorite hat still left at camp which symbolizes two things: 1) He really had no clue he was leaving, and 2) Jerri now has a reason to try and get with Colby again. The whole “I-want-you-to-lick-peanut-butter-off-me” thing didn’t work in Australia. Probst Jr. hated her even more this time around even though she was nicer, lazier, and had done a season of “The Surreal Life”. But here’s her chance to deliver Colby his hat, say she’s sorry for ever voting him off, and offer him her body. Or her magazine spread in “Playboy”, which I’m sure he hasn’t seen yet.
-Ethan isn’t too thrilled he wasn’t let in on the voting plan that night. Ethan: “Don’t I feel silly.” Yes, you should. Not about not knowing Donaldprobst was leaving, but for the fact that not only have you dated three girls (that we know of) from the “Survivor” series, but all three of their names started with a “J”: Jenna, Jerri, and….Jenna. Is that some sort of fetish? Does this kind of stuff turn him on?
-So will Jerri try one last time to get in Probsts’ illegitimate son’s pants? Uhhhh….nope. Jerri: “Boy does this feel good. I’ve now officially lived out one of my goals in this game. I can definitely sleep better now.” The funny thing is, you know she wasn’t kidding about this. How can I tell? Gee, she’s only been talking about it all season. “Get rid of Colby. I gotta last longer than him. He got me good in Australia.” Did that give it away. Three words Jerri: Turn the page. Who cares if he booted you from “Australia”? He ended up making that dumb ass decision to take Tina to the finals which cost him $900,000, which is probably exactly right around what you got paid to nude up in that skin rag. I don’t understand Jerri at all. The things that are important to her I don’t necessarily think would be important to anyone else. Maybe that’s just me.
-Tree mail comes and it basically says each tribe must select one member to go over to the other tribe with a bottle that has a note in it, and a pen. They can’t open the bottle until they get there. Both tribes think the person they’re sending over will now be part of that tribe. Wrong again my little simpletons. Chapera draws straws and Jenna loses, so she’s headed to Mogo Mogo. Mogo Mogo just sends Kathy on her way since she just a day earlier had a group orgy with Chapera and had songs sung to her by Big Neck and Boston Rob.
-When they get to the respective tribes, the note just says write down three items from this tribe’s belonging that you would want if your team wins the Reward Challenge. Whew. Jenna and Kathy are safe. The two people sweating this out the most were Rob & Amber. What if Kathy’s list includes Rob condoms? What will he do then?
-Chapera’s decision was to take the grill, a bag of rice, and the hawaiian spear should they win. Mogo Mogo would take a blanket, the tarp, and something else I couldn’t remember. Doesn’t matter. They lost the challenge just like we all expected they would. They lose every challenge. They suck. They don’t have fat, naked, gay Hatch anymore. And the man with the brightest teeth in America is gone as well. Gee, let’s keep the three weakest women here, but dump a former winner, and arguably the most dominant immunity challenge player ever until this season. Makes sense to me.
-The Reward Challenge consisted of one-on-one matches on a log. First one to fall in the water loses. First team to five wins. Guys vs. Guys. Girls vs. Girls. How sexist. Why couldn’t the girls go up against the boys? Are girls not better than boys in the eyes of the producers? Is Mark Burnett anti-women? Better yet, is Jeff DonaldColbysonProbst anti-women? And not just when it comes to physical challenges either.
-Mogo Mogo took a 2-0 lead when Shii Ann beat Alicia, and Ethan beat Rupert. Of course, that was short lived when Chapera decided to blow doors and win five of the next six matches, including Boston Rob getting two wins over Lex and Ethan, and Amber getting two wins over Jerri and Kathy. I mean, can we just marry these two now? I guarantee the finale will involve some sort of wedding. Boston Rob is clearly becoming the greatest physical player in the history of this game. He’s done absolutely nothing wrong in any challenge since this game started. Nothing. He can run, he can swim, he can row, he can log, and he can bang Amber. A true champion in my eyes.
-You know what’s funny? Boston Rob is so dominant this season, but during “Marqueses” how did he do so crappy? I’m trying to remember that season but I can’t remember how he fell out of favor with everyone. I do remember a scene of him and Sean laying on the beach while everyone else did work. I also remember a scene where he was checking out Sarah’s rack. Actually, there were quite a few of those scenes. But guys like gay John, and Robert, and Tammy, and Neleh, and Paschal, and Vecepia all kicked his ass. How did that happen again?
-Oh yeah, and after Chapera won their 49th consecutive challenge, Rupert yelled real loud. Thank you, Rupert. You are our hero. Yeah, even I’m getting sick of him. The whole “Braveheart-I’m-a-warrior-thing” doesn’t work for me anymore. It was funny on “Pearl Islands”. It’s not anymore on “All Stars”.
-Commercial. This weeks winner of the “Tylenol: Push Through the Pain” Contest is Ethan. I have no idea what Ethan did last week to earn this award. Nor do I care. Having to put up with Jerri might just be enough for me.
-Jenna arrives at Mogo Mogo’s camp to collect their three items: the grill, bag of rice, and the Hawaiian sling (aka Rupert’s sex toy). Jenna also gives us a nice butt shot as she’s walking along the beach. Normally I usually wouldn’t notice something like this, but tonight I did. Must be something in the air.
-Because Jenna and Chapera feel sorry for constantly beating Mogo Mogo like a redheaded stepchild, while taking their three most important things, she says she’s brought along some gifts for them to have, considering they haven’t won s*** all game. She gives them a bar of soap, a scrub brush, and a toothbrush? Awwwwwww. How nice of them. Awwwwwwwww. I think I’m gonna cry. What????? What game is this? This is “Survivor” people. May the strong survive. Quit trying to help out the poor tribe in need. Let them take their ass kickings like adults. And, in addition, before walking away with the bag of rice, Mogo Mogo asks if they could just take two more scoops out so they’re not left with completely nothing. What is this, Raisin Bran? Of course Jenna the Sap agrees. I really hope this backfires on her/them/Rob & Amber’s child.
-The next thing we see is Rupert and his Hawaiian sling heading down to the courthouse to get their marriage license. For those unfamiliar with what a Hawaiian sling is, it’s the spear he uses to catch all the fish. Somewhere in the first eight episodes it’s gone from being called a spear to a Hawaiian sling. We were never told of this change until last night.
-Rupert’s new toy allows him to catch himself a lot of fish. Then Boston Rob gives a wicked Rupert impression, shows off his fishing skills, and goes out and catches eleven himself. So as Rob put it: “The spee-ah doesn’t eat rice, which makes the spee-ah more valuable than Roo-paht”. The English translation of that is, “I am king of this here tribe and I declare Rupert will leave this island when I want him to leave this island.”
-Here’s the part of the show where it become NC-17. Even Rupert of all people suggests that, “If Rob and Amber haven’t kissy faced by now, it will happen soon. I know something’s going on.” That Rupert is a smart one. Rob to Amber: “Later on we’ll talk.” Uh oh. Being a guy myself, that always means one of two things: 1) Later on we’ll have sex, or 2) Later on we’ll argue about something completely meaningless. I’ll choose #1 on this one.
-Boston Rob with the quote of the night: “Ambaahhh’s sweet, she’s beautiful, funny, great personality….and her ass is smokin’ too.” What a guy. Such the romantic that Rob is. Like Amber cares. She’s been wanting to have his child since “Marquesas” ended. It is now on like Donkey Kong. Her leaning back and resting against him has turned into a nice little backrub. Which then turns into them hugging each other. Which then turns into heavy petting, and is now full blown intercourse. Ok. So I exaggerated. They’re just kissing like what they showed in the commercial. But only because this is CBS. If this were HBO, I’m sure we’d get a completely different version of this encounter. Probably more along the lines of Samantha and Smith Jared in bed. You get the point.
-Amber: “Rob’s definitely given me a comfort level out here I’d never thought I’d have. You’re never supposed to feel secure out here, but with Rob, I feel 99.9% secure.” It would be great if they’re setting us up for one of these two to completely be playing the other one. Problem is, I don’t think they are. Amber’s talking marriage, and behind all the “smokin’ ass” comments, I think Rob truly, genuinely, and without a doubt has a hard on for Amber. This is love people. Oh yes. This is love.
-Immunity is up grabs. Each team will have two rounds to earn arrows to fire at a bullseye. The closest to the bullseye wins. The first round will consist of everyone using a blowgun. Winning team gets two arrows, loser gets one. 2nd round consists of throwing a spear. Same reward. 3rd round will be the firing of the bow and arrow at a bullseye by one person the tribe chooses.
-Blowgun round is up first. Your favorites in this are Amber and Jerri for obvious reasons. They’ve had the most practice. With Amber having just blown the night before. Of all 10 people competing, only Jerri is able to blow hard enough to even hit anywhere on the bullseye. This is a mild upset considering Amber couldn’t even blow her dart halfway to the target. However, you have to give her credit for trying after such a valiant effort less than 24 hours ago. Mogo Mogo gets two arrows, Chapera one. Yes, this was the first Reward or Immunity Challenge where Boston Rob failed to do something he was asked to do. What do you expect? He’s p****whipped now.
-Throwing the spear is up next. Now, either they didn’t explain how heavy these spears were, or the cameras made it seem like they were farther away from the target than they were. Looked pretty easy to me. But watching these tards attempting their throws, you’d think they were throwing it fifty yards at moving target. Only 5 of the 10 players even hit the target, with Amber chucking hers very similar to how Lamar attempted his javelin thrown in “Revenge of the Nerds”. Rupert came the closest, giving Chapera a two arrows, and Mogo Mogo one.
-So each tribe has three arrows to come the closest using the bow and arrow. Mogo Mogo chooses Jerri for God knows what reason. And Chapera chooses (surprise!) Boston Rob. Jerri goes first. Misses the target to the right. Rob’s turn. Misses. Jerri’s turn. Misses the target to the right. Rob’s turn. He barely hits the target but he’s just on the outer edge. With one arrow left, Jerri must get inside of Rob’s arrow, which is basically anywhere on the bullseye because he literally is almost hanging off the board. Jerri lines up, takes aim, fires…..and misses the target to the right. As you can see, she made some major adjustments after each miss. Three straight in the same spot. You suck. If only she could’ve blowgunned her way to Immunity. Oh well. Rob wins again, Chapera wins again, and Mogo Mogo chose to let Jerri fire the bow and arrow. You make your own bed, now you must lie in it.
-Commercial. The Rock’s movie is now on video. No, not “Walking Tall”. That opens this weekend. That’ll be on video in three weeks. No, the other one. The one with Stifler in it. “The Rundown”. For as popular as the Rock is now, and as much as they’re trying to make him the next great action hero figure, he sure does make some duds. “The Scorpion King”, “The Rundown”, and “Walking Tall”. I think “The Scorpion King” made a little money, but it wasn’t very good. Force feeding us into believing he’s the Arnold of our generation isn’t working. Maybe I’m just pissed cuz’ Hollywood stole him away from wrestling. Please Rock. Come back. I’m tired of watching the Undertaker vs. Kane Part 50.
-Jerri’s upset she blew it for her tribe. Immunity, that is. Lexy pulls her aside and tells her not to worry. He’s gotta get rid of Ethan tonight so he can be the only guy left with three others in his tribe. Lex: “It’s Ethan tonight.” Then he kisses her on the cheek as he walks away. What? Where did that come from? Maybe they heard about Rob & Amber on the other side of the island so they figured they’d start their own little affair. I sure hope so. The more smut and dirtier this gets, the happier I become.
-Lex is having his morale attack him. He tells us he’s not just an acquaintance of Ethan’s outside this game, they’re really good friends. So he feels obligated to tell Ethan he will be packing his s**t tonight and going home. He wants to explain the game vs. friendship to him and feels he owes it to Ethan so he’s not blindsided at Tribal Council. Ethan wants none of this. He’s pissed he’s leaving before Jerri is and thinks Lex’s friendship speech is a bunch of B.S. repeating over and over and over again, “She does not deserve to be here. Rrrrrrrrrr!!!!!” Calm down, Young Rupert. Calm down.
-So Ethan recruits Kathy to vote for Jerri, and hopes she can recruit Shii Ann. He explains to Kathy in the only way he can. “She does not deserve to be here. Rrrrrrr!!!!!!” So if Kathy can get Shii Ann to vote Jerri, Kathy once again becomes the swing vote with Lex and Jerri already voting for Ethan. Kathy is the most important, yet unimportant player in this game. She’s always the swing vote, yet she’s on a tribe that sucks and continuously is getting their heads handed to them. She’s the captain of the Titanic basically.
-Tribal Council. Probst boy asks Jerri did she volunteer for the bow and arrow, or was she chosen. She said she stepped up to the plate because she’s had archery experience, but she failed. Really? What archery experience would that be? You were terrible Jerri and should’ve been sh**canned for your performance.
-Lex tried to kiss Ethan’s ass on the way out the door when Jeff asked him, “With Ethan being the only remaining winner left, would you think he’d have no chance if he ever got to the final two because he’s already won?” Lex: “Oh, no, no, no. I think the opposite. If somehow, someway, he could get to the finals, with the biggest bullseyes on his back, and he could convince me of how difficult it was to play when everyone’s gunning for you. Sure. I’d definitely consider voting him the winner.” Way to make Ethan feel all warm and fuzzy inside, Lex. Now go write his name down and get him off the island.
-Ethan’s last ditch attempt to pull Kathy and Shii Ann did worked about as well as you would’ve imagined. She gave it zero thought and Ethan was voted out 4-1. There are now no former winners left already and we’re only 8 weeks into the show. This shouldn’t surprise anyone. No way could someone win this game twice. Unless of course Vecepia came back a second time. She was such a shrewd player, I’m sure she could’ve pulled it off. Anyway, after Ethan’s vote’s were read he gave everyone a kiss on the way out. A lot of smoochin’ goin on this season, I tell ya’. A lot.
-Next week, there’s another big twist that turns the game upside down, inside out, and all around. It’ll make your head spin apparently. The only thing we see is Jeff telling everyone, “Drop your buffs”, which immediately gets Amber and Jerri turned on. And Boston Rob. Who knows what’s happening. Probably more former players coming back into the game to somehow ruin these players chances of advancing. Or something like that. Just a guess. Until next week…..
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