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3.4.04
Wow. My first venture into “Survivor” territory. I feel so young. So innocent. So scared. Kinda like my prom date senior year. She was two years younger, a Mormon, and no idea what she was getting into. But I was a perfect gentleman. No complaints from her. But we broke up a couple weeks later. The Mormon thing just didn’t work for me. Sorry. Anyway, just to let you know, I’ve been an avid “Survivor” fan basically since the end of Season 1 when fat naked gay Hatch won. So I’m not coming into this oblivious at all. In fact, I’d say I’m more into “Survivor” than I am the “Bachelor/ette” series. I didn’t watch the first two “Bachelors” and I’ve basically seen every episode since Season 1 of “Survivor”. Some random thoughts for you to recap 7 seasons of “Survivor”…
-I think the best player to win the game was easily fat naked gay Hatch. That guy announced the day he got off the boat that he was gonna win, and he did. If someone nowadays tried to say that on Day 1, they probably wouldn’t even hold a Tribal Council that night and they send that person home. Hatch is a good one.
-The best player to never win was, and I hate to sound like Probst on this one, was Rob Cesternino. That guy told lies, which backed up lies, which he had told a lie about. Genius. And trust me, I’m completely bothered by the fact he’s not around anymore this season. Shii-Ann? C’mon. Cesternino could “Survivor” circles around her.
-The worst winner was Vecepia. She did win, didn’t she? Has there ever been a more non-descript, boring million dollar winner than her? Maybe we should commend her for not appearing all over our television after winning. Maybe that was her whole plan. But I literally haven’t heard peep from her since she won.
-The best season was “Australia”, and the worst season was “Africa”. “Australia” because it was still a new concept, the characters were really good, and someone fell into a fire. You can’t beat that. “Africa” stunk because both tribes were planted in the middle of barren desert. They weren’t anywhere near any water. The location was ugly. And the final was a landslide.
-And the worst decision in the show’s history is a tie between Colby choosing to take Tina to the finals over that Emeril wannabe Keith, and last season when what’s-her-face took Sandra to the finals over Johnny Fairplay. You reap what you sow, and they got what they deserved.
-Onto last night’s episode, which immediately begins with a disclaimer of “Some material may be inappropriate for young audiences.” Translation: We’re gonna replay naked fat gay Hatch bumping into Trucker Sue. You might want to close your eyes unless you’re looking to be scarred for life. Yucko.
-We start off with Mogo Mogo the next morning discussing their strategy of booting fat naked gay Hatch. Jerri: “I looked at Kathy and said, ‘Who are we voting for?’ And she replied, ‘Hatch’.” So once again, Jerri hasn’t learned from past mistakes. Playing follow the leader and doing what she does will end up getting her booted off the show. Of course, later on in the show, Jerri basically takes us back to “Australia” with her food comments. More to come….
-Now let me preface something right away here. There are enough spoiler out on the Internet about this show that maybe some of you have heard, maybe you haven’t. I’m not gonna spoil anything for anyone in this column other than to say I know who’s in the Final Four, and I know who’s in the Final Two. Hey, maybe these rumors won’t turn out to be true, but I doubt it since this “insider” has predicted everything right up to this point (i.e. Tina going first, Jenna leaving the game to be with Mom, and Sue eliminating herself because of fat naked gay Hatch). But I will not spoil it for those that don’t want to know. I promise. One hint: The four finalists are from four different seasons. That’s it. No more. I swear.
-Shii-Ann: “Kathy’s got us all wrapped around her finger.” Huh? She does? Sounds like Colby does to me, sweetie. He asks to snatch Ethan from Saboga so you can eliminate him immediately, changes his mind and dumps Hatch, you guys follow him like he’s the 2nd coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, and now Hatch is gone who provided you with all your food. Hmmmmm….This is working out well already.
-Back at Chapera, we have to get our weekly “Rob and Amber cuddling/keeping warm/on the verge of intercourse” shot. These two are quite the couple. However, what’s going completely unmentioned here is Boston Rob is not the only pimp out on that island. Mogo Mogo’s got the biggest player of them all in Ethan, who has reportedly dated at one time or another Amber, Jerri, and BOTH Jenna’s. You the man, Ethan.
-So as we get away from the Rob & Amber Sex Show momentarily, we see now with Rupert aboard, the Chapera’s have a food provider. Great. Rupert’s being used again. Does he ever learn? And why was he the only one from “Pearl Islands” on this show? Where’s Johnny Fairplay? I’d be willing to guess that 99% of “Survivor” fans would take Johnny Fairplay over Shii-Ann every day of the week and twice on Sundays. Call me crazy.
-While Rupert and his birthchild, the spear, are out poking at fish, Trucker Sue is collecting snails or something. She thinks she has her own way of adding to the tribe. The only thing Sue adds to Chapera is testosterone.
-Back with the Mogo’s, Shii-Ann grows a pair and confronts Schick Colby, only to be shot down because he didn’t want her on the show either. Four Blades Colby: “This is an easy game to play when you wait for someone else to make a move.” Ouch. Colbes, no need to let out that you’re running the show in this tribe. Shii-Ann might just rat you out during the merge and then find out later there really wasn’t a merge and it’s just both tribes living on the same beach. That Shii-Ann is a slick one. Watch out for her. Did I already ask what she’s even doing on this show? Thought so.
-Back at Rob & Amber’s porno shoot, Sue is pretending to be traumatized about fat naked gay Hatch rubbing up against her so she can sue CBS and get some money out of this…..errr……I mean, Sue is upset. Trucker Sue: “I’ll never forgive him for what he did to me at that challenge. Him throwing his hands in the air, smiling, then rubbing his hips against me.” You know, when it happened last week, I didn’t think much of it. Then when they replayed again this week, I thought, “Yeah? So?” Apparently Truckster Sue thought differently.
-Sue can’t sleep. Fat naked gay Hatch’s are running through her head while she’s trying to get a little shut eye. She lays her feelings out to Alicia. “Every time I woke up, I felt Richard naked. I’ve been with the same man for 20 years, and I’ve never even thought of kissing anyone else…” Well, I wish I could say the same for her husband, but I’m guessing the thought of being with another woman may have crossed his mind once or a thousand times.
-The tribemates are onto her. Boston Rob: “I think Sue is either really traumatized by this. Or she wants out of the game. Or Sue is lookin’ to cash in on something big.” Right with ya’, Robbie. That’s the spirit. Turn against your teammates as soon as you can. We all don’t believe her either.
-Big Neck: “I think Sue could’ve stopped it right then. But she kept goin’ in the challenge.” Big Neck and Sue have about as much in common as the Pope and Bin Laden. Unbelievably enough, Big Neck is on the list of people who despise Trucker Sue. Very hard to understand these two’s disdain for one another. She’s so likable and understanding. Big Neck: “I’d say stick a fork in her, she’s done.” If there’s a more Southern phrase than that one, I haven’t heard it.
-Back with the Mogo’s and Jerri’s at it again. She has a list of all the foods she would like to have in front of her right now. “Chocolate chunky peanut butter….marshmallows….Colby’s tongue….” Exactly what is the point of this torture? Is she purposely trying to piss people off? And when is her and “The Power of Four’s” fling gonna start again? They’ve had enough time apart. Time to start doing it again.
-Lex begins to show us his hidden talent: Fishing. With fat naked gay Hatch gone, someone needs to catch fish. Well, since none of the girls know how to REALLY REALLY play with a spear, they’re out. Since Ethan can swim for hours and hours and hours and normally comes up with one guppie fish, he’s out. And of course there’s Quatro Colby, rehearsing his next lines for an Ivory soap commercial or something. So he's out. This is all part of Lex’s master plan. “I definitely think I can get all the girls on my side because I can provide food.” You devil, you Lex. Pure genius. Wait until fat naked gay Hatch is gone to spring this on everyone. I can catch fish, people! Won’t matter. Five o’clock shadow Colby will still find a way to turn this against you.
-Back at the Rob & Amber orgy island, Jenna says she feels vulnerable by joining Chapera late along with Rupert. “I felt like a sacrificial lamb.” So what does everyone do when they feel vulnerable? Have sex with Ethan? Wait. Done that. Start crying to gain sympathy? Nope. That’s Sue’s job. Jenna just joins an alliance. Her, Rupert, and the two lovebirds are now joined at the hip. Solid alliance. Can never be broken. Buddies til’ the end. Uh huh.
-Commercial. They just ran a local commercial for an update in the Scott Peterson case. You mean they haven’t fried that guy yet? Hmmm….let’s see. He’s lied about his whereabouts when they first found his ex wife missing, he had a mysterious affair going on with a blonde skank, and he was on a golf course with one of the worst dye jobs I’ve ever seen on someone’s head the day the body was found. Sounds innocent to me.
-Did anyone else notice the fact we were a ½ hour into this show, and they hadn’t done a reward challenge yet. For novices of this show, the reward challenge happens in the 1st half of the show, with the immunity challenge happening in the 2nd half. Of course followed by Tribal Council. At 8:35 with no reward challenge having taken place yet, you knew something crazy was going to happen. And once again, the “insider” had it right by predicting Sue would quit the show due to being traumatized by fat naked gay Hatch’s python.
-But before they head to Reward Challenge to watch Trucker Sue give a meltdown of epic proportions, Jerri pulls Lex aside and gives him a BJ. Well, not really. She just tells him some bulls*** about trust. “You can trust me. 150,000%. I would love to go with you.” Hmmm….maybe there was a little oral that they left out of this scene after all. Anyway, the point of showing this was nothing more than to forewarn you that either Jerri will get completely stabbed in the back by Lex, or vice versa. Count on it.
-Time for the Reward Challenge. Probst boy wants to talk about the “incident” first. Probst: “Does anybody have anything they want to say about what happened?” Up steps the Trucker in all her glory. “I was sexually violated!!!!! I was violated, I was humiliated, and I wish to God Richard wasn’t hung like a stallion!!!!” Well, not quite, but you get the picture. So she’s upset and she wants out of the game. Probst somehow didn’t comprehend the “I want out of the game” part. Probst: “So when you say you’re done- you want out?” Yeah, I think that’s what she means Jeffy. Sounded pretty clear to me. Plain and simple. She doesn’t like fat naked gay Hatch grinding on her like a stripper giving a lap dance.
-Everyone acts sorry for Trucker Sue, gives their fake heartfelt goodbyes, and mopes around trying to pretend the departure of the most annoying b***h in the history of the show is somehow a bad thing. Ok. That’s that. So after about a minute of acting sad, or the time it took Trucker Sue to get on the boat and head home, we’re back to the game. What’s with people quitting this season? Jenna’s I could understand, although the “I-just-had-a-gut-feeling” seemed like a pretty nice coincidence if you ask me. I still think producers told her about her mom back home and gave her the option to leave, but that’s a different discussion for a different day. We had that toad Osten quit last season, yet in six previous seasons, we had nobody voluntarily quit. Now two “All Stars” quit in a span of eighteen days. Some All-Stars.
-Probst boy gives the teams an option: They can call off the Reward Challenge and split the food prize between both tribes, or, they can continue on like normal. Tough one. Immediately Jenna blurts out, “Let’s split it amongst everyone!” However, speaking first without consoling anyone usually doesn’t work in this game, as all 11 other players blurted out, “Let’s play!!!” Thank you, Jenna. Your opinion officially doesn’t matter.
-This challenge was basically a relay race where each player from each team, must run over to the teeter-totter, place a piece of food on one end, and jump on the other end to send the food flying into a basket. First team to have each player get one piece of food in the basket, not only gets all the food in the basket, but they get filet mignon kabobs as well. I must mention something here. Because the nature of how this challenge started with the whole Trucker Sue flying off the handle acting much more upset than she actually was, Probst boy didn’t get to offer his favorite line of “Wanna know what you’re playing for?” No Jeffy, we don’t. How about you tell us afterwards? This line is beginning to rival Host Chris’ “This is the final rose of the night” from the “Bachelor/ette”.
-Chapera gets one in first, then Mogo Mogo gets the next four in because Jenna takes four years to kick hers in the basket. At this point, the challenge was essentially over. Hmmmm….Jenna didn’t want to do the challenge, and she ended up costing Chapera the challenge. Chapera cuts it to 4-3, then 5-4, but Lex closes it out for a 6-4 Mogo Mogo win and bunch of food to stuff their anorexic bodies with. I thought Amber put forth a valiant effort towards the end by going with the one-footed stomp. That shot her food up a good three feet in the air. Nice strategy. Rob ain’t gonna let you lick on him tonight with that kind of effort, honey.
-Commercial. Another sponsor wanted to latch on to this show, so they got this running “Survivor: Tylenol – Pushing Through the Pain” thing going on. Every week, losers like me get to go online and vote who pushed through the pain the most to help their team. Then the following week, we get to see the results. Great. Hey, can I vote for Sue this week? I thought she really fought hard this week, never gave up, and deserves this award. Ok, maybe not.
-After the challenge, the players give their opinions on Sue’s overreacting. Shii-Ann is on Sue’s side. Kathy isn’t. Kathy believes Sue could’ve easily stopped the game at the time it happened, but she didn’t. She continued to play on, and only 24 hours later decided that that was the worst thing that’s happened to her in her life. Amen Kathy. I think you and 95% of the people watching this show agree. Hey, call me a pig, call me insensitive, but I don’t buy it one bit. We’ve seen Sue’s act before. I think she either definitely wanted out of the game, or, really wants to sue someone for some cash. And considering that there were strong rumors before this season began that a lot of these “All Stars” were trying to hold out for some money to appear again, it’s not that far fetched.
-Although Chapera lost, their bond is tight. They make a pact to stick together through everything. Someone said, “What that means, I don’t know.” Exactly. It doesn’t mean anything. Why are these people making a pact when they know that at some point they’ll be voting one of their own off?
-After Chapera holds a one second moment of silence for the departed Sue, Boston Rob blows on a jug and sings, “Ding-dong the wicked witch has left!” while Big Neck dances around like he’s having an epileptic seizure. Big Neck is funny. He’s done more dancing in the two seasons he’s been involved with than anyone I can remember. He’s a regular John Travolta that guy. Uh, Big Neck can’t dance. But he sure as hell likes to try.
-Alicia chimes in with her two cents for the week, and she’s not too happy. “Tom’s insensitivity doing the ‘Sue’s gone’ dance was crummy.” Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. That’s for us to decide, Alicia. You go back to doing more crunches and making sure Rob & Amber don’t have sex for the fourth night in a row. Boy, Alicia has improved ten fold since “Australia”. What a little rocket. Still a mouth on her, but she’s smokin’ this season.
-Obviously, there’s no Tribal Council this week, so the show ends rather abruptly with Chapera eating their rice. Pretty weak ending if you ask me. Especially when they don’t even have a going away video with Sue. I wanted to see one last hissy fit before she left the island. I’d be shocked if she showed up for the reunion show. If she does, you know the whole thing was a fake just to get off the island. If she’s that upset, and that bothered, she won’t dare come to the reunion show, especially since she’d have to sit right next to Richard being that she left the show right after him. That’ll be the telling sign. Gay naked fat Hatch is so demented, he’s probably do it again at the reunion show.
-Just to give everyone a head’s up, I probably will only cover “Survivor: All Stars” until the “Bachelor” begins April 7th. I can’t do two shows on back-to-back nights. I’ll die typing. But I’ll definitely come back and do the “Survivor” finale. Until next week…..
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